(Christ alive Marissa, do you have no mercy? I'm in the middle of recovering from losing everything on my hard drive and you spit out MORE trite for me to have to go over? Well, welcome back to my MST, if you want to call it that, as we will now cover the much unneeded prequel to the Hollywood level masterpiece that was, It's My Life!)
PS I NEVER RAED THE BOOKS (Heretic.) AN ONLY SAW MOVIES OF 3 (THE TIME MASHNE 1 (You could at least look up the goddamn name… nah, I'm asking too much of our poor little Sue.) AN DEPTHLY HOLLOS 1 AND 2) SO I MIGTH GET SOME STUFF WRONG OKAY? (Oh that's ok, you've gotten about 99% of everything else wrong, why would we start to dislike you for it now when I spat out all my hatred when you killed off Rue?)
HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE! (Well gee, spoiler alert.)
Chapter 1: DEPTHLY HOLLOWS (You know it's pretty bad but, this title actual made me laugh first time I saw it.)
Hi my name is Hatty Potter (It's pretty awful to get the protagonist's name wrong when his name is LITERALLY IN THE TITLE.) an I live in Hogwurts in British England (As opposed to American England? Yeah I know, that's a thing.) a school of magical magic (As opposed to fake magic… man I've not done this in a while, I've made the same joke twice). I haf a litening bolt scare on my fourhead (Four heads? Is our protagonist Mount Rushmore?) from wen I was a babby (How is babby formed? How girl get pregnant? Not by robots, I'll tell you that.) an bad guys killed me mum an dad (AN: That's more brit talk). (…yep, I can't argue with that. Not that it needs to be pointed out.) I was the choosen one to stop a evil dude named VLODMORT (I read that as Vladmort… Russian Voldemort sounds too cool for this story.) he was the baddest ever. (If you don't count GLaDOS.)
Rite now my BBFs fourever (I already did this joke.) Jenny, Hemoany (…no comment.) an Ron ranned up to me with battal anger from the fiting. "Harry you soddin bollock!" (Ron britished (Marissa's usual penchant for stupid verbs is running strong I see.) into my face. "Lots a DETH DEALERS (This misspelling is creepily similar to the misspelling in My Immortal.) an monsters is comin we are all most overruned!" He derp faced (Oh good, the successor to the O facing has surfaced.) at how we wood beet the big odds.
I miled with the happy. "Its okie dokies blokes, (All British people talk the same way. Obviously. Just look at me you sodding bunch of yobbos.) I alsready fownd the last horcox an killed Voldermrtr (…wait a second, so this takes place THAT far into the battle? So that means, Snape is already dead, so why the hell is this about him at all?!) so its all bloody good!"
"NUH UH!" Screemed Herman with yells. "THERES STILL THE BACKUP COMIN RITE NOW!" (…why? Once Voldemort died the Death Eaters pretty much lost their bottle and fled, there's no reason for them to keep on attacking like this with their leader dead. I'm not even a Potter nerd and I know this.)
I o-mouthed (FFGGJKGHHK) as I saw a ton a Death Dealas comin up at us to revenge Voldernts kill. (Again, Voldemort was the best of them, if he's gone they had little chance, not to mention even Bellatrix was dead so who's leading them?) Jenny said with gingerine sweet to me "U has to stopped them Harry Ive got a speshal reward for you Harry after words winkwink." (Yes Ginny Weasley is totally the king of character to be saying such slutty things.) I o-mouthed (ADDSJFIDFJFD) again but this time it was happy so I gut my wand to say
"EXPECTO PETROLEUM!" But no thing happened an the dealers lolled (And probably got themselves jinxed for that, idiots.) at us becos I was soo tired form the fite I cudant magic at them. (Yeah, pretty sure that doesn't happen.) Then I saw a pointy stick at the ground and piked it up. "I can use it as a speer1" (Yeah and I guess that all the other Hogwarts wizards are just hanging around doing nothing during all this.) I troughed the speer an it went into the 1st Death Dealsers face an out his brain (I was always thinking I needed Marissa's trademark misanthropic violence was needed in Harry Potter.) an it got brain and blood on the others an the brains had prions in tehem so they got reel sick an died to. (Yeah because just skin contact with brain fluid will just burn your skin like acid I guess.)
"GOOD BLODDY JOB HARRY POTTER U BLOOD WANKED EM LIKE A PRO!2111" (Hitting 1 is bad enough when you miss the exclamation mark but hitting 2 is just inexcusable.) Ever One screemed loud at me with cheers. Ront Jenngy and Hermoyn lifted me up with shoulders I was waved at all the cheerin people cuse the day was saved! (Really? Did we really need an add on scene of Harry just killing random death eaters to just move on? It just adds nothing.) Or soo I thotts… (Oh this fic has a plot? Shocking.)
TWO MOUTHS LATER (You are literally human scum.)
Hogtwarts was rebuilted an things was back to proper normal. (Only 2 months huh? After giant sections of the castle were destroyed and many people dead, just 2 months is it, huh?) I was in teh cummon room (Also, pretty sure Harry left school by this point, he has no reason to stick around.) wile Ron was off buggerin a wank. (…I don't really want to read into what that's implying.) Thats wen the intercalm (What intercom? This isn't a highschool.) came on an said "HARRY POTTAR REPORT TO THE HEADMISTERS OFFACE RITE NOW!1`32" (How do you even…) So I wet strate there.
Befour the fnial battle a creepy teacher named Snape killed principle Dumbldeore (Yeah, just a year before the final battle, and anyone who knows Harry Potter at all already knows this.) an got away but Velderent killed him good becos nobody licks a dobble crosser (Except that Snape was really one of the best characters in the entire film for his actions.) so we had a new headmasters. The new headmonster (Ugh. This has got to be a concentrated effort.) was a nice beard man named was Gobo Fraggle (Just a bearded man huh? No need for further description I guess.) (AN: Hes not the Fraggle Rocks one hes parents just really licked the show wen they was kiddies). (What cruel parents.)
CRUCHN said the door to Headmiser Fraggles orifice (Ew.) there was still lots of bones from dead death dealers an blood an guts becos that stuffs hard to cleen eve with magic. (Yeah, a whole two months and the school is open with blood and bones around, I'm so sure. And at the very worst it'd be corpses, magic doesn't make you explode into guts.) Gobo was smoking a pipe of cannibals (Yeah I'm sure that's all kinds of legal.) so I scrutched my face at the bollucking drugs.
"Ah Harry mah Golden Boy" (That better not have been a CDi reference.) Gobo spuffed drug smoke all over me (I guess this is how he got the position when he acts in such a good manner to the students.) so I got MAD. But he did a magic so I woodant be angry. (Bullshit, doesn't happen.) "Theres no time for that Harry Potato (YOU'RE a potato, author.) I hane some noos."
"Wot (AN BRITASH FOR WAT) (Your readers are not dumb sheep you moron.) are u talkin a bout Dumbledore I thot we killed alls the bad guys?" (Yep because they kill them in the wizarding world, that sounds good for the heroes.) I said confusion.
He got reel quite. Then loud. "SNAPE IS A LIFE!1222111112111"`111" (Nope, no he is not. Snape was very much killed by Nagini, Harry even had a touching scene with him and his death ultimately gave him understanding that ended In the death of Voldemort.)
TO BE CONITUED! (I wait with baited breath…)
WELL THAT WASANT TO MUCH A SHOKIN REVEEL SINS U ALSREDY NO THAT FROM THE TEEN TORTES 2 (I'm glad I didn't read that.) BU IT SETS TEH MOOD. NECKS TIME THERE ILL BE A SCARY INCOUNTER (Scary for you is like, getting your spelling correct.) WIF SOME NEW CHARS!32 (Because clearly the world of Harry Potter doesn't have enough to work with.)
(Oh boy, it's gonna be one of THOSE fics, isn't it? Well I'll keep up with it and say my bits, but you already know what's going to happen. Dumb. Shit.)