(Welcome back folks. I'm writing this at 5AM in the morning. I had a nightmare where Marissa broke into my flat and started saying I was retarded and therefore had to be killed. I'm not even kidding, it was horrible. So on that note, I'm ever so glad she's not in this fic.)
WELCOMED BACK TO HARRY POTTRE AN THE KILL OF SNAP (Is it that hard to get the damn title of your own damn fanfic right?) WERE MORRE WILL BE REVEELED ASLO YULL MEET SOME NEW CARS (Oh god, please don't add Cars into this on top of every other series you poach from.) IN THIS ONE U CAN LEARN MOER BOUT THEM IN BUSSINESS MANS STORY INFINITEY: A SPACE ODDITY (Great, more stuff I might have to end up reading…) ITS GOOD AN HAS KERBALS WICH I GUESS ARE LIKE THOSE FURBAL TOYS FORM THE TIME THEY CAME OWT (That sentence could refer from any time from BC to AD.) THAT HAD SPY RECORDERS IN THEM. (…you're not well.)
SO ANYAY (No yay.)
Chapter Text (You're not even trying, are you?)
HATTY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!
CHAPTER 2: PLAINS TRAINS AN SEXXXY (I rest my case.)
I o-muthed (FURRRRRG) into disbleef it was unposable I had seed Snapes kill with my own eye's!112~! (Hey, Harry's pointing out the plot holes…) "Im surry Harry said Gobo Fraggle" he did a trick evven Voldernt was fooled I think. (That has happened precisely once thanks to Harry's mother. It's not that easy.) I pumped my fists on the table like crasy becos I was soo bloody wankin made. (Wow! It's made!)
"NSAPE MUST BE BROT TO JUDMENT!141!" (Even though Snape is arguably one of the strongest driving forces for good…) I pronunciated with most bullocky. (I need a fucking translator for half these goddamn misspellings.) Then door went open an Jenny Came In.
"Harry Potter wat are u doin here?" Jenny confused to me. (Spelled correctly and used incorrectly. One of these days you'll get it, author.)
"Lol I cold ask you th esame thing." I lolled back. (Lolling means you just slacked your neck and let your head hang a bit. Just a quick google search could tell you these things author.)
"I half called both of u here for a import misshun." gOBO putted way his drug smoke pipe becos ust it was serios time. (Even drug addicts will stop smoking when important plot dialog comes up.) "Yur right Harry Snape m be brot to judgemens (Why? There's no specific reason being given for this,) an it will be up to u 2 to do" (Because obviously the Aurors can't do it, just leave it up to the high school student, it's all good.) he stop to lol a teeny bit at the good pun (That's a text joke, he shouldn't find that funny.) so we did too "it."
Jenny looked to me with a frite in her lyes. (I'd be frightened too if my headmaster was asking me to kill someone.) "Ife hes that powerful ho cold we ever findate him?" She ased with smartly. (Smartly? You stated the bleeding obvious.)
"Thats a good Q (Q's in this fic? God forbid I'd like James Bond to blow the camera up right about now.) but we already trakked him down with onna are drones." (Oh ok, Hogwarts uses muggle technology, of course.) Gobo constituted. (Not even close.)
I frond at his dum mistake. "Headmister Fraggler why dont we just kill with a drone strike then?" (Has Hogwarts been taken over by CoD players?) His drugging musta clooded his bran up (Actually I think that's the thick wall of stupidity blocked off most of your brain.) like a druggy JERK. But he was das headmanager (WICH IS BRITISH FOR PINCIAL IF YUR CONFUSE) (Even if you had spelled it right, way to show contempt for your audience.) so I coodant call him out.
Gobo Fraggle just lolled an leened back innis chair an smoked more cannibals. (I guess I have nothing against cannibals being burned… seems a bit barbaric for this day and age.) "LOL Harry Potter or shod I say Harry Dumpster (Learn to humour.) we alsready tried that his magic is too strength (I'm just astounded that they actually used filthy muggle technology to try and kill a wizard. Idiots.) we a need a seekrit attack."
I looked a Jenny in her face eyes an she looked at mines an we did a nod with are heads. (There is a far easier and shorter way to say that.) "Allrite then he is traveled alls the way to from British England to American USA (There's no need to add in the nationality before a country's name, it's just padding your damn fic.) an is under cocer as a teacher at PORTAL High School (Joy, she couldn't even keep this in the Harry Potter universe…) so yull go in under cover (Undercover how? He knows their faces.) an beet him at his own game (AN: GEDDIT BECOS PORTAL IS GAME BUT HARRY PS NOT). (You're insipid.)
"U will both need to use yur strongth but Jenny will you make the final blow." (Why? Is there a reason?) He taked of a nife an handed gave it to Jenny (Giving out deadly weapons, another great practice for a headmaster.) "This nife is made of silver so it can kill werewolfs." (…is Snape a werewolf now? If not, this line makes no sense.)
Jenny notted an put the nife in her chests becos laddies store stuffs there all the time so it woodant be suspishous for the to serch her bra. (Ok, author, I really don't think you understand boob sized. Marissa's tits are so ridiculously huge they could hold Wheatley in them and Ginny's boobs are so big that she can safely hide a fucking KNIFE in them?! That's a feat if ever there was one.) "So we get to Portal High Chool?" (See it's people like you that cause so much security around American schools.)
Gobo taked more stuff from his pockts an gave me four tikts. (Good thing they agreed, or he bought all this shit for nothing.) "Theese are ticekts for the Hogwarts trane to the British Areport (Nope, nope, no no nope. Trains don't go to the airport.) an tickets for there to a flite to Portal High School we most be low tech an magic so we dont alter Snape." (Yeah that makes a whole load of sense. You can track Snape with drones and attacked him with them so he'd never suspect you using technology to get to the country he's in.) It lall made sins so I agreed an put the tickets in my pockt cus Im a male guy so I dont ware a bra to put stuff in my chests with. (Thank you for reminding me of your gender, I would've been lost had you not.)
We sade by to Ron an Hermoiny but they was snoggin a make out (Because they're both characters who are never serious in any situation and just want to bone.) (AN IN BRITISH THEY SNOGG FOR KISSIN FOR SOMERISIN ITS WEERD) (Again, show that contempt for your audience.) those bloody wonks coodant wate for a few mins so we leeved anyway. (Yeah just write out both of Harry's best friends, why not, they're not important.) But we wen we got the egg sit we saw somethin bad. It was… SNAPES 2 GOONS IGGY AND HUEY!1112211 (…you've got to be goddamn kidding me. Ok, I don't know if this Is a detail I've missed from the other instalments of Marissa's work but, really? Snape has minions? How much do you wanna bet it's just the Tweedles in disguise again?)
"Oh bloody tea an crumpts its are 'old frendl' Harry Potpie an Jenny Worsely!" Trolled them (Yes, misspelling last names. If trolling is an art then, that was finger painting.) with lollin. "Were u guys headund to anyway?"
"No off your biesness" I spitted like a cobra (Don't spit Harry, you were raised to be better than that.) into theirs. "Now leeve the way you soddin gits or ill wank you up good21!" (That sounds so terrible thanks to her misuse of British swears. But yes, Harry, the usually calm character around assholes like Dudley, Malfoy and so on, snaps over two people for not saying their surnames correctly. Seems legit.) I said showin my wand that was all scarred from fightan Vloderernt an it went sparks to scare them. (Yeah, sparks. The scariest of spells.)
Huey pooped a little (Good to see your toilet fetish is as strong as ever, author.) but Iggy was more mean an brave so he taked a snow ball form his poket (Which he had for no reason.) an crushed it on Jennys head with mean so I got REEL MAD (Oh no, not brief cold. Again, finger painting.) now an shotted him with a magic bolt called crooshio that made him have a period (…I regret everything.) an sins guys dont get those the bood cudant come out any were so it was fillin him all up with cramps. They ran a way but Iggy exploded into blood (Yes, Harry Potter used an unforgiveable curse on some random asshat who misspelled his last name and had a snowball for no reason. Sounds totally justified to me. Thanks for turning Harry into as much a psychopath as Marissa, author.) that got on Loopa an Ron an Hermanie but they was soo buys mackin out they didant notice (That's their sole, defining character trait huh? Insipid.) and keept snugging.
"Servers them rite," (Yeah, that'll teach them to call me Jenny.) Jenny grumped Iggys period had gotten blood on her fav robe but it was okie dokie becos we wood sivillian close outside any way. (…I still can't figure out this sentence.) The snowall was still meltin on my head so I did a warm spell on Jenny to make it go way (A warm spell. The Potter fanbase would eat you alive. And screaming.) as we excited the front door.
Outside was more bad… Mr. Norris the jantor was glarin at us with his MoP ready for a combat fite! (This is actually making me lose brain cells.)
"Wats all this then?" I britished (I can fell them draining out of my goddamn ears.) at him.
"YOU CANNOT PASS ME TO FIGHT SNAPE I WONT LET U UN LESS YUR WORTAHY!12141" He said yellin with super lowd. (This author's as accurate with characters as Michael Bay's Pearl Harbour was with historical events.)
"Ut why?"
"I DNOT TRUST GOBO FRAGGLE HES A DRUGGY JERK (Well there's SOME sense in that.) SO IF HE THINSK YUR THE RITE OENS FOR THE JOB THAN YOU MUST BE UN WORTHY!1!" (Except for how Harry defeated Voldemort and kicked evil's tail so many times that it outranks Mrs Norris' lives.) He yelled so much lots of foamy fome spit went all from his mounth and onto places. (Delightful details like this make this fic worth slamming into the dirt.)
"We are worthy your just trollin stupid" (Yes, anyone who opposes you must be a troll, they can't have legitimate reasons for it.) Genny said back more angry. I nodded with a glare to make him fear me. (He shouldn't even be acting this ooc.) Also wen Im angry my litening bolt scare gets brite an glowy ever sins I killed Voldernmourn. (Nope. No it doesn't. And it'd look dumb anyway.)
"THEN U MUST PROOVE URSELVES BY FITING ME IN KARATY1131!" (20 more brain cells, lost to the winds.) He got into the pose of the marshal's arts (Which Marshal? The guy from Pacific Rim? He did art?) but I dident have time the train wood leave soon.
I didant want to kill Mr. Norris because hes a good dude just misgutted (Eh you might as well kill him, spare him from being a part of this fic.) so instead I used a spell that makes u have amneesha so he woodant no ho I am or Jenny. (Well that's drastic for just getting out of the castle, geeze.)
"OH NO WERE AM I" He amneeshaed (These just get worse every time I see them.) to us so Jenny lolled and went.
AN: IM SKIPPING THE WALK TO THE TRANE PART BECOS NOTHIN EXITING HAPPENED AN SOMETIEMS U HAVE TO SKIP THAT SSTUFF FOR THE GOOD STORY. (In that case we should just be skipping this entire story. And again, showing lots of lovely contempt for your audience.)
The train was mostly first yeers so made em cleen are shoes with there tunges becos were upper clansmen an its the Frist Yeers tradishun to do that. (No it's not, you're abusing the ooc nature of the story and turning yourself into a bigger bully than Draco Malfoy.) Sins Im the Boy Whos A Life we got first class with in train movie "Beevis an Butt Hole" (SINS ITS PAST TIMES SO IT WOOD STIL BE ON TV). (Clearly the author only has the highest taste in comedy.) We were lollin at the funny fun antacks of those but got boreded an turned it off later.
"Jenny Im boooored" I pouty voiced (Fucking spoilt child, this is not what you were raised to be.) with hands on arms. Jenny smiled an stated up. "I no somethin we can do for time pass." Her rob fell of reveelin her gingry sweetness an I gropped her with love. (Ugh… and you were mocking Ron and Hermione for making them into horny simpletons.)
We musta been a little to loudly (You're fucking on a train, what did you expect?) sins I looked up from the sexin an saw a bunch a first yeers watchin us thru the door open! (It's your own dumbass fault.) Jenny saw dos an o-mouthed (NYUREMBERGGGG) in horrer! I cudant let those first yeers see us humpin an pumpin like that (It's your own fault for fucking on a train.) so I taked out my time travail watch and went back into time. (Which he has for no reason at all.)
Time went all slo mo to reversing an the first yeers leaved so it was all good. (And you also reversed all the sex you just had so, good job.)I was a bout to to turn it of wen I saw two creepy guys in the time streem a man an a women in suites with redful hare getting reel mad lookin at me. (I would be mad too if I saw your character defiled so ridiculously.) Then the cloak stoped an Jenny and I (THAT IS THE PROPER GRAMMER) (Congrats, now just do the same thing for the whole film and maybe I'll have a smidgen of respect for you.) were back to befour so we woodant get caught.
MEENWHILE IN THE TIME STREEM:
"This will be a good ttest for yur abilities Skepness Man are aprentise," Britished the creepy mans (Great, sub plots…) an woman at the same time at onse. "Follows them an mak sure time goes the righter way." Skepness Man notted an put on his time mashine jet pack." (I tell you this is all really suiting for the Harry Potter universe.)
BACK INTO THE TRAIN STOP
CHEW CHEW (Your onomatopoeia sucks.) said the train abs it landed at British Areport in the city of Longdon Englind. (Well seeing as Heathrow is the airport in London, trains do not go to the airport.) Jenny an I got owt while kissin all lovely an I was touchin her bom for goose. (Veru appropriate for a public place.) The airplane port was full a other peole goin to around the world be we blended with the crowd good.
Ut then… A Gir yelled "HAI THAT'S HARPY POTTER!' Everyone o-mouthed (HHHHHINDENBERGGGG) "OMG HARRY PORTER!1122" (So how do muggles know about Harry? Who knows, it'll never be explained because the author would rather you just go with it.) A big crowd went round us an all the girls were flashin me to show off there gozongos an the gay guys were flashin me there man balls (As usual, your maturity is a shining example to us all.) but I didant care for neither since my only had a eyes for Jenny. "We gotta gets you outta here Harry!" Jenny said grapin my arm. (Invisibility cloak? Nah that'd make sense.)
The groopies an fan gurls kept comin so Jenny kicked a roundhouse at them (Yeah that's appropriate.) to make thems fall over an die. (Yeah that's even MORE appropriate.) "HES MINE YA PERVY SLOOTS!11!" She said lettin her gingery blood of Irish out. (Insipid prat.)
"This is bad Harry if ever one keeps reocgnizing you then Snape will never be fool" (Even though you're still not in the same country.) She was worryin with scare. "We must change yur appear!"
"But how if use magic Snape will just un spell me?" (From across the country, author do you actually read through these things in your head?) I was worred and thinkin bout wat Mr. Norris said before I killed him (Wasn't it explicitly said that you DIDN'T kill him?) that I wasant rite for the job. Jenny grabed my head to twist it (And snapped his neck, end of fic.) so I cold see a store in the airport that said "Dr. Lettuce Plaster Sergery." (You know, wild lettuce supposedly makes you horny? Just mentioning.)
"That's IT! We can change my looks an name wither plaster surgery!" (Polyjuice potion is still a thing, you know.) I said to me. Jenny said YEAH becos it solved all are probs easy. (By changing your face completely and permanently.)
I goed into inside the store inside the areport an Jenny was from behind we saw a counter with a mans a lady of redful hair an doctors close. (Because actually describing a doctor's outfit is too hard.) "Cheerio" They britished at the same time together.
Somethin was weerd here an I scratched my scratch chin in thot. They looked just lick the ones I sawed in the time streem (Ugh… I'm already starting to hate this story.) but they wasnt wearin Dr. Close so I guess was just a coinside. (Yeah it wasn't foreshadowing or anything.)
The lady came first. "I am Drs. Rosalad Lettuce an this is my brother Robert." Robot Lettuce did a wave from the conters behind. (…ohhhh it's the Lutece's… well, it's good to know this fic is getting batshit stupid by the second chapter.)
Jenny was all bissness for this so took the rains. "Im Jenny Weesly and this is my fancy boy (What does that even mean?) Harry Potter he needs sum plaster surgery to look more different so no none can recognize. (How are they even going to PAY for the surgery?)
Rosilin thinked on it for a second. Robart was eatin a sandwich that didant have any manayse wich I thot was pretty creepy becos ever one likes manayse. (Two things. One, I don't like mayonnaise so by your logic, I'm creepy. Two, he was able to tell a sandwhich didn't have mayonnaise just by looking at it.) "That's a easy do, common brother." (Good to see the Lutece's dual dialog has been dropped entirely so they have no personality.) Roslalond ordered. He had eated ¾ of the sandwich but had to stop. (What is the deal with this stupid sandwich?)
"Dont wrry Jenny ill be rite back," I said an went thru the door with Rosalond. (Yeah I'd trust these guys as well.) Robot took the q-sand (Q-sand? What the hell is Q-sand?) an went after closin the door.
"All Right Wheatly thisll not hurt" Lettuced (You're not clever.) Robert.
"Huh?" I went who was Wheatly? Rosilian slipped her four head an growled. (Yeah I guess he's just an idiot despite being such an intelligent scientist… and this is just making me dread where else she'll go with this.)
"U idot that is to soon!" (In another story, this might've worked.)
"Sorry I forgot it was not then" He bushed an handed Roisland a cutter nife. (Scalpel. Look it up. SCAL. PEL.) Frnech music started playin. "It will calm the nervers." She say wile Rothbart anatheseaed me an I went uncosious.
TO BE CONTINUED! (Unfortunately.)
WELL THAT SMORE EXITE DON'T YOU ALL THINK? (It's about as exciting as watching a man throw paint on a wall.) NEXT TIME THEY GET TO AMERICAN USA (Contempt drips from your words.) OF AMERCA AN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL ALSO THERE WILL BE A SHOKIN ORIGIN REVEEL OF A FAN FAV CHAR!2111! (Christ alive, I dread to think…) FIND OUT NECKS TIME
(Contempt. That's all I got. This fic is probably going to snowball from here so, let's all be prepared.)