(So I'm back again to carry this onward… my god it gets hard to do this sometimes. I'd like to briefly thank everyone who's sticking with me beyond this point because, honestly I wouldn't. I feel like sanding my eyeballs.)
ALRITE JUST IN TIME FOR HAPPY CHRISTMAS (My Christmas was ruined by the mere fact this is still going.) AN TH OSE OTHERS THAT ARE HARD TO SPELL (For all those that this is referring to, I apologize.) HEERS THE NOO CHAPPYTER.
THE LAST CAHPTER WAS HARD TO RITE CAUSE OF ALL THE ROMANSE (ALL the romance? I'd say like 10% of that was romance, if you can even CALL it that.) OF JEENY AN HARRY SINS HARY IS WHEATLY AN WHEATLHY BELONGS TO MARRISSA ONLEE!111! DONT WORRY THO JENNY ILL GET WHATS COMMON TO HER. (Oh wow, that's sadistic even on Marissa's levels. She's going to punish Harry's girlfriend simply because he belongs to Marissa, even though they've not even MET yet?!)
HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!
CHAPTER 3: RIDE TO PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL (Joy…)
I waked up in the Lettuce (Tu est une fuckwit? Oui, une TRES fuckwit.) doctors room all gruggy an a sleep Jenny was there lookin nervos an saw me awake so she said "OMG (To make this sound dumber, I imagine she's just saying the letters O M and G out loud.) Harry u gotta see yur new fase!"
Bobert Lettuce took a mirro form some were (No doubt from the void in his head where his brian should've been.) an heiled it up to me an I saw my tranfarm. I o-mouthed (NEINPOINTFIVERICKTERSCALE) it was a compleet change I was nowo tall with blond hare (Eh? Well this is an honest surprise, I thought they'd just turn him straight into the metal Wheatley…) an glasses an like nerd (Glasses = Nerd. They are one in the same, according to the book of 90s cliché's Marissa's knowledge is derived from.) but no scar of litening an also a more diffrant voice.
"Woah this is bloody unmazing yur a geinus of sod gits oh god save the queen!" (Ye gods, apparently they're such good surgeons they can just change his character too.) I britished (You are pondscum.) in a amaze at there work.
"Thats why weer the best in the biss." Prouded Rosalalonde (You really just don't try, do you?) Lettuce with proud.
The sergery was done Jenny already paid (Good thing the headmaster had lots of expendable muggle currency to give them or something.) wile I was bein in recovery. "Common Harry its almost time for are flite." I nodded a thanks to Drs. Lettuce and leaved with Jenny to the plane terminal. (Oh my god, every word in that sentence was spelled correctly except Drs. It was used incorrectly but that's still a rare thing. Did the planets align for a few seconds?)
Gobo Fraggle had wents all out an we had onest class seets (Because that won't make them stand out.) with extra leg roam an features. Sexcurity (That better not have been a goddamn pun.) wasant hard to by pass sins 911 didant happen yet (No, pretty sure airport security has always been tight.) so they didant have any. We interned the plane an went to are seets.
There were 3 seets in a row an Jenny had the window seet an I had the middel an somone else had the edge row set. (So, First class seats but only 3 seats and someone they don't know is sitting next to them? Rip off.) I seated down an Jenny kissed my new cheek becos it was shiny an smoothe (So it's covered in grease?) like baby fat becos I was bran new. (Nope, doesn't work like that.)
A other guy came to sit next to me. "Hi I'm a hobbit." (What an odd thing to say.) The guy said he was... a hotttib!12 (Thank you for repeating literally what he just said you redundant rat.) "Well Im Jenny Weesley" I said then after hjer I went to say my name but then I realized I coodant sins I was under cover. (Well there's SOME sense in that…)
I thinked for a min an rembered how the Robert Lettuce called me "Wheatly" so I said "My name is Wheatly" (So Wheatley learned his name, because Lutece knew his name from in the future… except that his name needs to come from somewhere OTHER than the loop, so this doesn't make sense.)
"Nice to met you" He tolkiened (You are not clever. Never.) then the intercokmm happened.
"Hey passingers its yur captain Wittaker (Oh for fucks sake, he didn't even fly commercial airlines in your own canon.) I just wanted to let u now my ldittle son Wip Wittaker (Oh ok I guess it all makes sense now… or not.) wants to be a pilots when he grows up so Im lettin him fly the plain. (Welp, they're all dead.) Dont worry Im being the co pilot to make sure its all gopod plus dont worry he learned from the best!" (They're AAAALLLLL gonna die.)
The plone floated up in to the sky (So apparently it's flying via magic.) with take off so I went asleep.
Ours later I waked up with sumthin fooly round in my pants. (Oh boy…) I looked over an smiled at Jenny but she was eatin lemonade (Frozen lemonade?) wif her headfones on so who wads in my pants? (Well gee there's only 3 people established here so I wonder.)
I looked down to there an saw... THE HOBBIT HAD HIS HAND DOWN MAH PANTS 121! !111 (Shocking…) "GET OF ME YOU PEDOFILE PERVERT!121!" (Uhhh you're very much of legal age if you're Year 7 Harry so he's not a pedophile, just a creep.) tHE hOBBIT o-mouthed (TSUNAMIS) wen he realized I new I was awake so I taclked him to floor.
Ever one started cheerin an hootin cause they thot it was a in fligh wressling match (And apparently everyone has ADD.) sins u never no wat to expect in first class. (Yeah they just always do random stuff in first class. Like this one guy who had a bunch of snakes stowed away once.) We were rollin all round the isle nockin some pepole out (Must include everyone in your little tiff after all.) of there seets an a baby started cryin (Well that would've happened regardless.) .Jenny went to up to standin.
"Stop him!2" Jenny creamed so the Hobbit went up an ripped her shirt off. (Because he's just on a roll here.) "OH WEMS" The stewards got distract by seein Jennys full milking teats exposaed becos they were lesbians (Every single one of them. Good thing there are no male stewards. Or she's just become as much a sue as Marissa.) an so they didant help me fight the hobbit lie they opposed to. (Actually they'd be trying to break you up.)
It was no more Mr. Nice time (Oh boy, more killing violence, right?) so I jump kicked the Hobbit into the exite door. Then I probed the door open so he was sucked out into the sky (And YOU would be sucked out too you idiot.) but then the suckshun from the jet engine pulled him in an he was sucked in an lots of blood squirted out an went all over the windows. (And then everyone in the plane got sucked out and they caused a plane crash because they lost one of the engines and one hobbit acted like a creep. Good job author.)
Becos of all the blood no none on that side off the plane could see the landin so they had to get a refund. (Uhhhh… I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen.) Jenny got a new shirt to so pepole woodant stare an the stewardses got a pay deducshun for not helpin me fite the pedofile (Not a pedophile.) pervert hobbit. We excited the plane an leaved to the front of the areport. (So I guess opening a door in an airtight plane and destroying an engine doesn't effect a plane in this world.)
"Hey u there its yur ride!" Jenny grapbed my arm an turnsed me to see a limo (Only the best for our murderous heroes.) with two guys one a guy a girl (Two guys, but one is a girl. Good job.) standin outside wif pick up sines sayin "Jenny Weesly an Wheatly." (Because they'd know that Harry changed his name, he could've picked something else.) It was... ROBOT AN SORILAND LETTUCE!11!~!~!~! (Yep, you're not even trying.)
"Rob bert an Rosalond Lettuce?" Jenny gaped. "Wot are u donin here wasnt yur drs back in British England. (As opposed to New England.)
The two lolled (Internet scum.) an said "No you most me are cousins they look alot like us." That made sins (Completley genre blind, aren't you?) so we went into inside the limo wile Robert gotted are bags.
"Sorry brother the trunk is brakened so yull have to follow." (And obviously there's no space in a goddamn limo.) Rosiliand sayd from the driver seet. Robot got a UHH WTF? look (Never use adverbs just to assert how fucking stupid you are.) onto his face but we speeded off with him still holdin the baggy luggage so he had to run afters us. (Good job, now not only will he probably get lost, you just lost all your luggage too.)
Me an Jenny lolled at the funny prank (That's not a prank, that's just called being a massive dick.) an Rosalad lolled too but didant REMBER THE FIRST RULE OF RODE and took of her eyes off the rode (Oh come on, if a plane doesn't crash from an engine then taking your eyes off the road can't be too bad.) so the limo a old lady an fliped an flied into the air a spiralded an crashexd into a zoo. Ropbert o-mouthed (FIRESOFPOMPEI) an draped the luggage to run at the crash car. (Guess he got off a bit easier then…)
Me an Jennuy used are magic sheeld powers (Which they now have because actually looking up the spells is too hard.) to be un hurt but Rosilind was uncosious in the front seet. (JUST unconscious? God she got off easy.) Robert Lettuce teared the door off (AN: WHEN PEPELS LOVED ONES ARE IN HURT THEY CAN GET SUPER STRENGHT SOME TIMES ITS TRUE I SAW IT ON DISCOVERY CHANNELS).(Did Marvel happen to be the sponsors for this documentary?) He pulled Roslined Lettuce form the reckage an she was blooding from the four head (So she wasn't just unconscious. You're a liar, author.) so he did RCP an she was okie dokie. (And that massive bleeding head wound just fixed itself.)
"She will be alls rite an learned an importrant lesson about the rules of rode" Robert Lettuece instructed to us. (Your attempt to teach us something is lost under the monolith of your stupidy, author.) "But we must still get medikal attenshun an the limo is totalyed so you must go a lone." (All because you didn't let Robert come into the car. Good job indeed.)
Sudcdenly "HEY U BRAKED MY KOLA EXHIBIT WITH YUR CAR CRASH NOW THE KOLA HAS ESKAPED!1!1" A zookeeper screemed so we ran away fast. (Guess getting an ambulance is too much… and that they don't care about human life at all.)
After runnin an doggin obstacles (Obstacles? What?) we came to APortal High School. A old laddy with wite hair an dress said in a robot voice "Ah you most be the new exchange studants from British England! (Why is British England still a thing with you?) I am Prinsipal GLaDOS an YUR LATE!2" She was very meen. (Can never let anything go, can you?)
TO BE CONTINUED!
WILL HARRY NOW WHEATLY AN JENNY MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESS WITH PRINCPAL GLaDOS? (Well you just showed that she didn't so no surprises there.) WERES SNAPE HIDIN? (In the school? Like you said at the start?) WHAT IS THE LETTUCE CONSPIRACY? HOW IS SKEPNESS MAN? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!
(Guuuh, this one just dragged out, practically nothing happened in this chapter and it was just thickening dumb. Well, I guess it's what I come to expect with this author. So join me for next chapter when we get into the… no doubt interesting high school stuff. Guh…)