The morning came quickly after Nikolai left. As soon as the sun's rays filtered through the curtains, I left Baghra's hut. I felt uneasy while being there. She was another person I let down. Another person that died for my wellbeing.
I walked along the path that led to the lake, expecting to see damages that had been done from the nichevo'ya attacks on Nikolai's birthday. But there wasn't much to scrutinize. The docks were intact. The Little Palace had been rebuilt, though it was obviously by Fabrikator hands. From what I could see of the Grand Palace, its structure remained sound. The only obvious destruction that remained was of the trees.
Scorched treetops littered the tiny forest that stood around the lake. Fallen trees sat in a huge pile off in the shadows. They couldn't heal the trees. Aside from the forest, someone had managed to clean up the mess that had been made.
I strolled toward the West Stables, where the training rooms remained. A few of the high beams were cracked or chipped, but everything was roughly the same. But no Botkin. I expected to feel sadness at the thought of him, but I only felt anger. The image of him and Ana Kuya strung up by their necks, dangling from the oak tree at Keramzin, made my body shake. Heat rose up my spine and spread along my body. I let out a stifled howl of frustration and swung my balled fist against the nearest beam.
I hit the beam again. And again. I hit it until my hand was numb, dripping with blood. I leaned against the bloodied pillar and slid to the ground. Warm tears spilled over my eyes as I thought of everyone I had let down. All the people that died for nothing. I didn't destroy the Darkling. I didn't even destroy the Fold. I had failed.
If I still felt as you do, if I ached as you do, I could not have borne this eternity. The Darkling's words seeped into my thoughts as I sat there, bloodied and crying. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loudly that his words couldn't penetrate my thoughts. I needed to purge myself from him entirely. But a part of me knew that he was right. I couldn't survive immortality as a sniveling little girl who cried over every loss. And I knew that out on the Fold.
I wasn't strong enough for this life as a false saint, as the Sun Summoner. That's why I wanted the volcra to take me, to rip me apart and let me seek comfort in a distant light, far from Ravka, far from this world. But they took him instead.
I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of footsteps. I turned my head and saw Tamar and Genya approaching from around the corner. Their faces looked alarmed as they rushed forward and crouched beside me.
"Oh, Alina…" Genya said as she reached for my face. She cradled my wet cheek in her long slender hands.
Tamar extended her hand to me and I grabbed it with my good hand, pulling myself off the ground. I swayed a little and leaned against the pillar, closing my eyes as the world spun around me.
"I'm fine," I said before they could say anything. "Just a little weak."
"I think that pillar would say otherwise," Genya joked as she wiped the tears from my eyes.
"Nikolai told us to tend to you before breakfast. He said you're going to meet with him today," Tamar said. There was a subtle questioning tone in her voice, as if she didn't believe I was ready.
I nodded then looked between them. They exchanged a shared look of concern.
"I'm only meeting with Nikolai, not fighting nichevo'ya," I said.
"We know, Alina. We just don't want you rushing into things," Genya said as she reached for my bloodied hand and kneaded it like a cat does to its bed. The numbness disappeared, replaced with pain, then nothing at all.
Tamar ran her hand along the splintered pillar and said, "We need to have this all cleaned before the Grisha arrive tomorrow."
"The Grisha are coming back here so soon? Is the Little Palace even ready?" I asked.
"Nikolai's been very proactive as the new ruler of Ravka. He's even made Genya here one of the three leaders of the Second Army," Tamar said with a smirk.
"What? Genya, that's wonderful!" I exclaimed. I ignored the dull ache in my body as I threw my arms around her neck, hugging her tightly. I pulled back and Genya flashed her signature smile. Scars, eyepatch and all, and she still maintained her radiance.
"I still don't believe I'm fit to lead as Corporalki but I'm just glad I was pardoned," she said with a grin. I nodded and turned to Tamar.
"Nadia's staying and Tolya is staying, which means I'm staying."
"Is Tolya okay?" I asked. I realized there were so many things I still didn't know about. A week had gone by since the battle at the Fold and everything was changing, shifting into something new.
Tamar rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, just worried about his precious Sun Summoner."
"Weren't we all…" Genya said absentmindedly as she tugged at my knotted hair. "I need to get you cleaned up, Alina."
My cheeks reddened as she looked over my appearance. Baghra didn't have a mirror in her hut so I had no idea what shape I was in.
I nodded and said, "Let's get going then."
Genya linked her arm with my own and gave me a little squeeze. Tamar led us out of the open training rooms, in the direction of the Little Palace.
I went through the motions of the day. Genya cleaned me up as best she could but I didn't look pristine. I met with Tolya, who nearly cried when he saw me. Then David, Zoya, Nadia, the list of people went on and on. The reactions were mostly the same. Grateful I was alive, but concerned. I met with a few familiar Grisha faces who wanted to discuss what happened on the Fold but Genya swatted them away. A few soldiers I came across were jumpy, fearful even. Of what, I wasn't sure. But I assumed the threat of the Darkling loomed above everyone's head. Even mine.
That afternoon, I met with Nikolai in the war room. All the maps of the Fold had been taken off the wall. They sat in a neat pile in the center of the table. My eyes were drawn to a kefta draped over the chair nearest Nikolai. It was Summoner blue.
Nikolai was seated in the chair at the head of the table, looking over a large book. He motioned for me to come forward without looking away from the pages. I walked towards the chair with the kefta and admired the details. Its golden embroidery was impressive. A Lantsov eagle was pinned to the chest, next to the pin of the Sun Summoner.
"It's yours," he said, eyes still glued to the book.
I glided my hand over the smooth material and didn't hesitate to put it on. I was happy to be back in my kefta, in my colors. Once it was on, Nikolai closed the book and turned his attention to me.
"Interesting read?" I asked. I couldn't see the title but I knew the book was ancient and probably equally as boring.
"Not at all. I just wanted to read the words, to process the language in my head," he said quietly. His voice was solemn, contemplative. "I couldn't read as…I couldn't understand writing. I knew that the words had meaning but they didn't make sense to me, very little made sense to me then. Only hunger… and you."
I was able to clearly see Nikolai now in the well lit room. The candlelight from the previous night didn't do his scars justice. Mars and cuts poked out from beneath his neatly pressed clothes. Black lines ran along his fingers where there was once claws. But nothing compared to his hazel eyes. They retained their color but their vibrance was gone. Something darker sat beneath them. Darkness that invaded his body and his mind. The same darkness that tugged and writhed within me.
"I still feel it inside of me, Alina," he said as if he read my mind. "How can I rule Ravka as a monstrosity? Korol Rezni is what they're calling me. The King of Scars. I preferred the 'Bastard King'." He stood from the chair and walked toward the map that sat behind him. He ran his fingers along the mostly flat land of Ravka. It was an old map, so old that the Unsea was not on it.
"It gets better," I said as I slowly approached him. "Though it will never completely go away." I stood by his side, staring up at the map.
"What will you do?" he asked. His hands slid to Keramzin. Then to the True Sea.
"I'm not going to leave, if that's what you're implying."
He stood quietly, hand still hovering over the True Sea. Then he smiled.
"We could fake our own deaths and flee to the open ocean. Become privateers. Sail the rest of our days away." Nikolai's smile faltered. "Though your days are not numbered like mine."
I tapped on the raised words of Os Alta with my finger and said, "No more running, no more hiding, no more living in fear. We will stay here and rebuild Ravka. Together."
"You're much stronger than I am, Alina. Fit for a queen. Fit for a ruler."
I knew what Nikolai wanted to ask. He needed someone to rule by his side. As a queen. That was the arrangement we made before the Darkling attacked us at the Spinning Wheel. But things had changed.
I let out a drawn out sigh and said, "I am the Sun Summoner before I am anything else, Nikolai. I will stay by your side for as long as you need me, for as long as Ravka needs me. But—"
"But not as a queen," he finished. "I understand. It's too much to ask of you right now. I will not push it any further. Just know the option will always be available."
"Even when you're married and greying with four kids?" I asked with a smirk.
A smile spread across his somber face. He nodded. "Yes, even then."
I laughed lightly and nudged him with my shoulder.
"Well, Sun Summoner," he began as he turned away from me. "You can help with the incoming Grisha tomorrow morning. Help them acclimate to the new way things will be done around here."
"I need help getting acclimated first," I said as I followed him towards the large double doors.
"All with time," he said as he reached for the door handle. "We can discuss the details with everyone at dinner and—"
"Nikolai, wait," I interrupted. He paused and turned to me. "No one has asked me about… him. Is that your doing?" The thought had been plaguing me all day. Not even Genya dared to mention his name, which surprised me.
He sighed and nodded, "You don't want to talk about it. I made sure that everyone respects that. You'll talk about him when you're ready. Until then, mouths shut."
"Thank you," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
"You don't have to thank me. It's what friends are for. Now let's go, I'm sure dinner is almost ready. I've had such a ravenous appetite as Korol Rezni." He laughed a humorless laugh and opened the war room doors. I followed him out, blinking away tears that had formed in my eyes.
Author's Note: First of all, thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed and followed/favorited the story! I really appreciate it. I know I promised Darkling/Alina interaction and it will come. Very soon! I just wanted to lay the ground work for the story before he makes his appearance. Thanks again and happy reading!