(Cripes it's been a bit of a while. Blame video games and University. But I'm here now, it's time to dive headlong back into the deranged ranting that apparently counts as fanfiction.)
HEY GUYS ITS TIME TO CELEBRATE THE NOO YEAR WITH A NEW CHAPPIE (That's not cause for celebration, that's cause for dying in screaming agony of terrible spelling.) (WHICH IS ALSO A MOVIE COMMIN OUT THIS YEER SO ITS TOPICAL) (Congrats, you want a fucking biscuit?) OF
HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE!
CAHPTER FOURD (Sometimes I wonder if this author has massive fingers and that's why she keeps making so many misspellings.)
FIRST DAY OF CRASS (…I'm above a joke I can make about this one.)
"Welcome to Poretal High School Im yur Principal GLaDOS you your seinors right?" (GLaDOS is the master of run on sentences.) Princital GLaDOS asked she had a hole in her neck from where the smoking (Oop, guess Marissa ran out of steam on this one and just went on anyway.)
"Yes Im Jenny Weesly" it said an I also said "My names Wheatly." (New line for a new speaker you fuckwit.)
Pirancial GLaDOS scrootched (Not even close.) up her noses at that all disgust like. "Wheatly? That sownds like a MORON name!" (Correct.)
That made me REAL MAD (Which I thought in block capitals.) becos I assed (Not touching that one either.) my SATs an ever thing so I was NOT. (You are in this fic. You tried using Expecto Patrinum on Death Eaters, you think Snape is evil and you went for plastic surgery over your invisibility cloak. You sir are a fucking idiot.) "I AM NOT A MORMON!11!3" (And we've sunk to a new low with the author hitting 3 instead of ! which is an amazing feat.) I yelled soo loud.
"Whatev er I dont care." A girl lick was come up (Author ran out of steam again, being so thick must get tiring.) from inside the Portal High School to us. "Caroline my dotter (Well at least her misspelling from the previous fic is consistent.) u will show them round the school an have all same classes (Because classes never differ between people based on subject choice.) becos Caroline is a advanace student evvven tho shes a junor." (Favouritism much?)
"Hi" the gurl whoi was Carrotline waved with hand open. (Because shaking her hand whilst it's closed would be weird.) We waved two an it w2s happy meetin. (Because the audience couldn't detect that through context clues.)
Principal GLaDOS frond at me an leaved to do administration. (Holy fucking shit she spelled that word correctly… is it a full moon?) "Common guys class alsready started so iLL give you a tore of the buildin first before we have histry!" (Just be truant on your first class, it's all good.)
Porta. High School was prettay cool with lots of cool studes (None of whom are important enough to focus on.) in there classes we also saw the jim (Nobody likes Jim.) an cafetera an lots a halls with locks. (Locks? Just locks on the halls huh? Weird architecture… wonder if it's Kingdom Hearts related?) A bell came (Disgusting.) that made the classes done so pepole started comin out an I got scarred theyd try to groopy me again but ever one just wented past me an Jenny an Clementine (…wat. How do you even… that's like way too much of an intentional thing.) an then I rembered I was Wheatly now so I breathed a si of relive. (Relive what, past lives?)
But one gurl came an didant ignore us. "HEEEEY WATCH WERE YUR MOVIN LOWA CLASS! !" (Yeah, how dare you stand completely still in the halls!) She snobbed (It's hard to let these verbs go.) rite thru us pushin Jenny so hard she fell an bumped her blump. (…I'm no biologist but I'm pretty sure a blump is not a body part.) "owch!" She cried but the girl just huffed her head an kept walkin so me an Carline helped Jenny op. (How truly sad. Being pushed once. Truly a harrowing moment.)
"How as that JERK?!" She umped. I was more mad to. (I look forward to her being involved with Snape.)
"Thats Bertha the Portal High Schools "Alfa B****" (You're censoring that after all the worse shit you've had In this fic? That's like trying to fix the Titanic with a plaster.) (AN: LOOK IT UP ON TV WORDS) (I'm going to assume TV Tropes… this makes me sad.) Carlikne explained with a sneer (Wrong use of verb here.) from her facer. "ANway its time for Histry class." We wente to class making meen looks at Bertha an her huge butt (Nothing else to note about her appearance, huh. Just a big butt.) (it was like a Kim Kandishian or Nicky Manajy burtt but (LOL) (Unnecessary additional brackets, looks cluttered.) they wasant invented yet so she was a trend setter but I didant care). (So then why mention it at all?)
The Histry class was most full with others guys lick a solder guy, a doctor guy, a reel fat guy (I guess context wise this at least kinda works, but she's describing them like men instead of teens, which you'd think they'd be if they're in school.) an also the teecher that said "Mr. Pusel" on his decks next to a apple.
"So u most be the new studes Wheatly an Jenny Wesley! I'm Mr. Purcell an I teech the histry also but I am a artsit (What an odd thng to say.) so heers a speshal picture for you to" (People LOVE their run on sentences in this world.) He gived of us a pic of me an Jenny with a dog an rabbit on the mmoon. (Ah I see, the Deviantart school of artistry.) "U can sits next to Gabe Jonson an Medic." (You know the TF2 cast have actual names, right? Oh yeah I forgot, research doesn't exist to Marissa.) I sat down an sayd hi to both.
"Hi Im Gabe Jonson (Yep, it's still as stupid as it was in the first fic.) that is my GF Carloine also watch out for my twin brothor CAVE Jonson hes evil and dose bad science I only do good science thuo." (I'd like to know what constitutes bad science in this universe.)
Mr. Purcell heered Gabe talk an said, "Speaking a twins today weer going to learn bout the famous scintinists Ropert AND Rosaind Lettuce twins!" He put a slide show project an on this screen was... THE LETTUCE TWINS FORM THE AREPORT AN LIMO!11121223!~! (…how do you even mix a tilde in that?)
Jenny was curios and wanted the down-lo (Stop trying to be black. Please.) so she rassed her hand. "How are they?" She q'ed to MrPursel. (Oh they're doing just fine thanks.)
"They were famos scientise (Were? Oh dear, what happened to them?) like George Washing Caver but with lettuce instead of peenuts (Shut the bloody hell up.) but they also did insects so it wasant all good." (Yeah I'm not a fan of bugs either.) We all notted at the wise words. "They also did research on portals an things like that an made a portal mashine but it explode (Because reasons.) and fatally killed them (They were so redundantly redundant.) a long time ago." Somethin fishy was goin on I new then. I wood keep a close eye out for more info. (Yeah, more info like seeing goddamn dead people.)
Then Gabe Jonson standed up an prided "I like portals to an when I am a graduated I will invent portals an be FAMOUS!" (But they already invented portals…) Every one lolled at him becos that was silly. (This whole fic is silly.)
"just look wat happen to the Lettuce Mr Jonson you dont want nothin to do with Portals" teachered Mr. Purcells. (Then why are you TEACHING them about it?)
"They went rong tryin a make a portal mashine. I will make a more better invenshun like... A PORTAL GUN!22!" (Yes, by localizing the portal technology to a portal device, it will obviously work far better than a standing machine.) He stand up on desk like a big triumf moment in a movie an Caroline was swoonin with hartfeflt becos she also loved sience an Medik too. (Could the idiocy in this fic get any worse?)
Nothin else interestin hapened in Histry Class until lunch. "OH MY BLOODY SOD!111" Jenny screemed. (Sometimes I think this author deliberately gets the British insults wrong.) "MY TUMMY HJURTS!111211!" She creamed (Disgusting.) clutchin her tummy.
"Whats rong with her?" Caroline shreeked with scare. (Stomach ache, did you not detect that?)
"OH DEER GOD SAVE THE QUEEN I NEEDS SUM FISH AN CHIPS OR TEA AN BISCUTS NO!W!121" (…well, I was right, it CAN get worse.) Jenny ssceamed again. I understood.
"She hasant eaten any British food for too long an must replinish. (That's stupid. That's really stupid. A, good job at keeping your cover guys, B, you're in America, British food isn't going to be readily available, C, you don't get intense stomach pains from not eating British food. That's fucking dumb.) I will go get some!" I proclaminated so Mr. Purcell nodded okay (I'd think she'd want to be taken to the nurse.) so I went. "Ill hury my love!" I said an the solder made a angry face. (…why? Does he have a problem with that?)
I went lookin for the cafeteria but I didant find it (Despite having been given a tour only moments ago.) instate I endld up at the bike turntable outside. (What so, there's just a bunch of motorbikes on turntables in the school? …why?) The bike area was real big sins lots of pepole codant afford cars becos of the Grate Depression (AN: It was like the Ressheson from 2008 but even more worse an in the past). (I refuse to comment on this section because there's just so much historical inaccuracy that I think trying to explain it away would cause a time paradox.) There was a weird smell in the are so I got curios an looked behin the bikes.
Behind them was... A BUNCH OF DRUGGY JERKS!11 (Good to see another staple of Marissa's work rears it's ugly head.) They was smokin pot an weed an one even had a BUNG11! ! (Shock horror.) But even worst one guy said "I love drugs an beer so much!" (To no-one in particular, guess he just figured a main character was nearby.) an standed up an I saw he was a brony! (…I don't like where this is going.) He had a minature horse chained up to the bykes an it was spray painted to look like rainbow dahs an he raped it a lot (…I uh… really don't want to have to deal with this…) an the pony was cryin an the others guiys were so hi they didant care and lolled it was too much. (Well Marissa, you've sunk to a new low. I'm hardly a fan of bronies but this is pretty ridiculous.)
"YOU BUGGERS OF DRUGS ILL LEARN YOU!" I killed them good (Our hero everybody, if you dare take drugs, your ass is grass. It's like Harry turned into Max Force from NARC.) with an exploshun magic an the pony ran away cryin some more but this time in happy from been free. (And apparently his pained girlfriend is also no longer a worry. Priorities!) I went to leave but saw somethin stickin from the daed bronys body corpse it was a note with a add dress!1
TO BE CONTINUED! (What a cliffhanger… except not. It's more like hanging off of a pavement kerb.)
Next chappie will deel with some SERIOS ISSUES I lerned bout of sex traffiking (I'm going to give you a big red traffic light on writing about that.) an bronys is there a connection I think maybe I saw sum RELAY GROSS STUFF on Top Robot bout them. (This is just going to get more painful, isn't it?)
(Well, just when I thought we'd hit the bottom, the author is tunnelling straight to hell. Bring your thermals people, I doubt the heat's going to relent any time soon.)