The Darkling's word buzzed through my head, keeping me from sleep. His presence cast a hazy shadow over me. It made me feel unclean. I rubbed my arms, trying to scrape the darkness away but it wouldn't budge.
I didn't understand what I was feeling. It was a painful, confusing mixture of sadness, anger, regret, and something else I couldn't quite identify. My heart ached in my chest. Why had his words disturbed me so? I felt uneasy. I needed to move, to act, to do something other than reflect on his words.
The sun had barely risen over the horizon when I charged through the guarded doors of the Lantsov quarters in the Grand Palace. Nikolai stood before a gold rimmed floor length mirror, adjusting the white collar of his shirt. He turned, giving an assuring nod to the guards. They cautiously stepped away and closed the ornate doors.
"I saw the Darkling last night," I said before Nikolai had a chance to speak.
Nikolai's eyes widened and the color drained from his face. He let the fear wash over him for a moment then he blinked it away, seemingly collected.
"Did he hurt you?" he asked, his hazel eyes scanning over me.
I shook my head. "Has there been any sign of him since the battle on the Fold? Any sight of gruesome maiming or murder?"
"No, nothing at all. He's been in hiding, obviously planning what to do next. What did he want from you?"
I looked away from him, unsure how to answer his question. "I don't know."
Nikolai opened his mouth to speak then sighed and stepped forward.
"Alina, back at the Spinning Wheel, I remember you telling me that you and him were… connected. That you could see each other through visions. I suggested that you use that to gain information and—"
"You aren't suggesting that again, are you?"
Nikolai grimaced. "No, I'm apologizing for suggesting it at all. I didn't fully understand it then, to be bound to such darkness. Now I do, even if only a little."
"At the time, it was necessary to have the advantage over him. Besides, it wouldn't work even if I tried," I said as I rubbed the side of my arm. "He's always aware of my presence, like I am of is."
"What did he say to you, Alina?" Nikolai asked as he stepped closer.
Your guiding light is gone.
"The firebird wasn't the last amplifier," I blurted as I brought my eyes back up to meet Nikolai's gaze. "Mal was." I paused to let the words sink in but his expression didn't falter.
"He wanted me to kill him, to use his power for my own. To destroy the Darkling and the Shadow Fold for good. But I couldn't do it, Nikolai. I couldn't take his life myself so I let him die out there, slaughtered by those monsters." I could feel the tears coming but I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of Nikolai. I shut my eyes, forcing them back.
Nikolai's boots tapped against the granite floor, hesitating to bridge the distance between us. I willed my eyes to open and rubbed the moisture away.
"Despite these hideous reminders of my strength," I said, gesturing to my neck and wrist. "I am no match for the Darkling and his ever-growing army of darkness. No matter how much I train, no matter how powerful I will become, I will never be strong enough to kill him."
A confused expression crossed Nikolai's face. "With time you could become—"
"He did all those horrible things because of me, you know. He killed those people, tortured Genya…tortured you… all because of me." My voice was low, shaking in my throat.
Nikolai shook his head, his expression changed from confused to angry. "That isn't true. He did it because he enjoyed it. You couldn't have stopped him."
I laughed a high, bitter laugh. "He isn't ever going to stop. As long as I am alive, he'll continue to hurt those closest to me until he's all that's left." I stepped backwards, away from Nikolai. I turned and walked to the large, stately window that covered the farthest wall.
Pushing back the curtain, staring beyond the palace walls, past the buildings of Os Alta, I took in the view of Ravka. The world was waking up slowly, rising to the sun. It was beautiful but it felt so distant from me, as if I wasn't really seeing it.
Nikolai's boots tapped along the floor, stopping closely behind me.
"I don't know what he said to you, Alina, but it's clear he wanted to shake your confidence. To make you feel helpless. You must see that? Just yesterday you said we would rebuild Ravka together. And now you're… I'm not sure what you're doing…" There was desperation in his words, as if he was hoping I had not been broken.
"And just yesterday you said that my days are not numbered like yours, Nikolai. Do you truly understand what that means?" I turned back to him, ignoring his sudden proximity. "I will cower for eternity, shrink away from every shadow, every dark corner, in fear that he waits for me there. I don't want that life, that's why I tried to... I knew that if I couldn't kill Mal, death would be kinder than a life in Ravka, living in fear until the darkness swallows me whole."
Nikolai reached out, resting his hands gently on my shoulders. The faded nichevo'ya bite throbbed beneath his touch, causing the familiar clash of light and darkness to stir. He leveled his gaze with mine, his expression mournful.
"Alina, listen to me. You have an entire Grisha army at your disposal. Among them, you have people who have sworn their lives to you, Soldat Sol who regard you as their divine Saint. With time, you will regain your strength. Utilizing your devoted people and your brilliant ability, you will kill the Darkling and he won't be able to hurt you again."
I looked into his pained eyes as I processed his words, turning them over in my head. In that moment, it all seemed so pointless. I choked back a sob as the absurdity dawned on me. Nikolai couldn't understand what I was saying. I was staring into an eternal abyss with no one by my side.
"But if the Darkling dies…" I began. "I will be entirely… alone…" The words pooled from my mouth like molasses but they hit Nikolai quickly. He released his grip on my shoulders, anger flashing across his face.
He turned his back to me and said coldly, "You have Grisha to train, Alina. Go."
I stared at his back, hesitating to move. I wanted to explain myself, to make him understand a semblance of the pain I felt, but I knew it was pointless.
"Nikolai, I'm—"
"That's an order from your king. Now. Go."
I stormed past him, pushing back angry tears as I slammed the Lantsov doors.
It felt like something inside of me had snapped. Like a small string had finally been stretched too thin.
Author's Note: I apologize for taking so long to update! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. It encourages me to continue writing the story. Please review and happy reading!