A/N: This is a tag to "Life Before His Eyes" (9x14). I know there are already probably a thousand Jibbs related tags to this episode, but it is a monumental episode for Gibbs and includes a quick Jenny moment, so how could I just ignore it in this series? Like many other Jibbs fans, the complete lack of a conversation with Jenny really frustrated me with that episode. It made no sense that Jethro talks to McCallister of all people for so long, but doesn't even have a heart to heart with Jenny. Here is my attempt to fix that, even though a ton of other people have already done so. *shrugs*
Jethro Gibbs watched as Pedro Hernandez walked out of the diner, his mind spinning from all the things he had been shown so far.
"I shot the son of a bitch, Mike," he admitted, feeling his emotions weigh down on him as he chose his next words. He took a breath.
"But when I got home, my house was empty, and my girls were still gone," he said hoarsely.
Mike was silent for a second.
"Didn't have to be," Mike said quietly.
"What?" Jethro questioned.
"Yer house. Didn't have to be empty, least, not forever," Mike stated, looking at him.
Jethro snorted.
"What, you gonna to tell me I should have stayed with Diane, or Rebecca, or Stephanie? Kept one of 'em around just so my house wouldn't be empty?" Jethro said sarcastically, laughing at the thought.
Mike snorted next, and chuckled to himself.
"Nah, you an' I both know those were mistakes to begin with, probie. Never should have gotten together with any of 'em in the first place. Would have saved yourself a whole lotta trouble."
"Not gonna argue with you there," Jethro replied, shaking his head and smiling. "What are you sayin' then, Mike?"
Mike gave him a mysterious half smile, an almost mischievous glint flickering through his eyes.
"Come on, got another place to show ya," Mike said, getting up from the stool and heading to the diner door.
Jethro sighed, not sure if he wanted to follow Mike out the diner again. Last time, Mike had basically told him that if he had spotted Ari and Kate had lived, she and Tony would have gotten together and had a family. And apparently that somehow would have caused Abby and McGee to end up together as well. He couldn't wrap his head around it all.
"Come on, you gotta get back to reality sooner or later, we don't got all day," Mike called from the door.
Jethro gave in and got up, heading out the door behind Mike.
Rather than suddenly appearing in the bullpen again, he and Mike were standing on a porch by a street, in front of a large wooden door.
Jethro took in his surroundings, and his eyes widened as realization hit him.
"Jenny," he muttered, feeling his breath catch.
"Didn't think you'd ever see this house again, did ya?" Mike said, laughing a little. "You an' me saw to that four years ago."
Jethro stood there, unsure of his emotions, trying to understand.
"Aren't ya gonna go in, probie?" Mike asked, gesturing towards the door.
Jethro took a breath and reached for the handle, opening the door slowly. He glanced behind him to look at Mike, but Mike was suddenly nowhere to be found. He swallowed and opened the door wider, peering in hesitantly.
Everything looked the same as it had last time he had visited, before he and Mike burned it all down. This time it was daylight, though. The sunshine and warmth streaming into the house reminded him of the happy spring days he and Jenny had spent here 13 years ago.
The study door was mostly closed, just slightly ajar, and he instinctively walked forward to it. He placed his fingertips on the door and nudged it open, feeling an almost suffocating suspense.
As the door swung open his eyes met the woman leaning against the desk, and his breath caught again.
"Hello, Jethro," she greeted, smiling at him.
"Jen," he said hoarsely, emotions welling up in him.
She looked like she did the last time they had been at her house together. The night when she had asked him to stay and he had said no...a night he'd been regretting since the minute he had gone out that door.
"You haven't changed a bit," he commented, taking in all the features he had missed so much the last four years.
"We're supposed to skip that bit of bull, remember?" She said, a smirk dancing across her face.
"You haven't, though" he insisted, trying to keep his voice steady.
"Well, I am dead," she said with a shrug, smiling sadly at him. "After all, no point in lying to each other now, Jethro."
The way she said his name, her eyes, her hair, her facial expressions...damn, it had been so long.
"At this point you've had plenty of time to reflect about us, about me, ever since I died," she said, breaking the silence. "I'm sure you can draw some conclusions about why Mike took you here." She wandered over to where her alcohol was.
He thought hard for a minute, thinking about everything else he had been shown and why, thinking about what Mike had said.
"He said my house didn't have to empty forever...then he took me here, to you. Seems like he's sayin' I could've been with you," he acknowledged, all the thoughts and regrets he had felt over the last four years surfacing in his mind.
She turned and faced him, lifting up a semi-full crystal glass to him as if she was toasting him.
"More or less," she confirmed. She came over to him, a glass in each hand, and held one out to him.
He reached out and took it, a tingling sensation shooting through him as his fingers brushed hers briefly.
She sat down in the armchair beside the chess table and motioned for him to sit in the other one by the fireplace.
He walked over to it and did so, placing his glass of bourbon on the little coffee table beside it. He rubbed his hands together nervously and leaned forward, staring at her intently.
"What's on your mind?" She asked, swirling the liquid around in her glass. "Much as I'd like to sit here all day with you, unfortunately we don't have that kind of time," she said regretfully.
"Why not? Why couldn't I just choose to stay here, with you?" He asked. "My mom told me I get to decide how things will play out."
Jenny looked at him thoughtfully for a moment.
"Not in this realm," she answered. "You get to decide how things will play out when you go back...the decisions you make. This place, the things you've seen, the people you've talked to...it's all about showing you how your choices can affect everything else. It's a temporary stop, it isn't a place where you can just stay."
"So what are you supposed to show me?" He asked.
"There are many things I could show you. There were so many choices you made with our relationship that affected it one way or another, it's up to you which aspect of it you want to examine," she replied.
"What if you hadn't left me?" He questioned.
"You seem to be forgetting that this isn't about what other peoples choices did to affect you, it's about what your own choices did to affect you and the others around you," she said, putting her glass down and examining him.
He smiled, finally realizing what she meant. He thought about all the questions he had asked himself over the years, trying to decide which ones he was more curious about.
"So, you mean things like; what if I had told you I loved you back, when we were in Paris. What if I'd been more honest with you about my family. What if I'd gone after you. What if I'd insisted on pursuin' you instead of Hollis. What if I hadn't said 'no' the night you asked me to stay. What if I'd gone to Decker's funeral with you." He stated, rattling off the list of questions that he hadn't stopped thinking about since she died.
"Now you're getting the hang of it," she said, smiling. "There really are so many moments where things could have been different, where one choice just keeps leading to other choices. It's up to us what we decide, which door we open. If we keep closing the door to every opportunity, sooner or later we'll find ourselves with only one door that we no longer have any choice on."
He thought about what she said, rubbing a hand across his chin.
"You're sayin' I kept closin' all the doors on you until I no longer had a choice," he concluded.
"We both did, it was a game we played well with each other," she replied. "When I realized time was running out in the end, I finally realized how stupid and stubborn we both had been...how many illogical choices I had made concerning you. Then, after I was gone, you realized it too. We always had bad timing with each other," she said, gazing at him. "We played that damn game for so long that we both ended up leaving ourselves with only one door, and all we could do was accept it."
"I've been regretting all those decisions a lot the past several years, Jen. I'm sorry, I should have done things differently," he admitted.
"I know you have. I'm sorry too," she responded quietly.
They both sat in heavy silence for a minute.
"What if I'd gone after you?" He finally asked.
"We would have ended up together," she simply said, smiling at him. "I was hurting after I left you, a lot. Had you come after me, I would have taken you back in a heartbeat, because I missed you. My decision to leave was something I never stopped regretting."
"Ended up together?" He asked, wanting further clarification.
She nodded her head, and suddenly he found himself being pulled into a memory like scene—just like when he was shown what would have happened if Kate had lived, or when Mike had shown him what he would have become if he hadn't shot Hernandez.
The scene showed him and a very alive, rosy cheeked Jenny, sitting in his backyard on a porch swing together. It shifted over to the direction they were looking. There was a fun looking swing set in the yard, as well as a small sandbox. There were two little boys sitting in the sandbox. One was bigger than the other, and had a head of brown hair, cut and styled similarly to Jethro's. The younger one had slightly shaggier hair, and it was the same vibrant red as Jenny's.
The older one lifted up a little pail of sand and dumped it on the younger ones head before he laughed and ran away, apparently deciding to go on the swing set and go down the slide. The younger one shook his head, laughing madly while his chubby little hand patted through his sand ridden hair.
"This one is going to have a hard time keeping up with those two," he heard Jenny say.
It shifted back over to him and Jenny, and he realized there was a small little bundle in Jenny's arms. She was holding a small baby wrapped in a light, soft green blanket, and Jethro had his hand resting lightly on the baby, stroking it's head with his finger.
"I'll protect her," Jethro responded, leaning down and kissing the baby on the head.
"She's only a week old and you're already playing favorites," Jenny replied, smirking at him.
"If anyone around here is my favorite, it's you," he responded, wrapping an arm around Jenny and kissing her on the temple.
She smiled and shifted a little, visibly wincing as she did so.
"I would hope so, because my body has gone through a lot to provide you with these children that you so desperately wanted," she retorted, a small groan of pain escaping her as she got more comfortable.
He snorted.
"Hey now, I was good with the two, you're the one who was 'desperate' to have a third," he replied.
"It's a curse of being female. You forget how much work they are, even if the other ones are driving you to near insanity. All your hormone ridden brain can think of is how cute babies are and for some reason you feel the strange need to have one...even though you know they don't stay that way for long," she explained defensively. "Besides, I don't recall you exactly objecting at all when it came to your part in conceiving her."
"Yeah, well," he said with a chuckle, shrugging his shoulders. "I guess she is pretty darn cute. Guess that makes up for the fact she won't let us get any sleep at night," he said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"I used to think the all day and night stakeouts we used to do in Europe were bad," she commented, yawning. "I was completely naive back then, I had no idea..."
"From what I remember, we took all the moments we could have slept back then and spent it doing other things," he pointed out.
"Yeah, well," she mimicked, quirking an eyebrow at him. She looked back down at the baby and yawned again.
"You know, not that I didn't fully enjoy those moments back then...but if I could somehow take them back and cash them in for some sleep now I would definitely do it," she said seriously.
"Uh huh, sure," he replied, not sounding convinced.
The baby stirred in her sleep, her face scrunching up, looking like she was about to cry. Jenny rocked her in her arms and let the baby grab her finger, while Jethro soothingly rubbed her little stomach. The baby stopped stirring and peacefully continued to sleep again, both parents admiring her.
"It's all worth it," Jenny said softly. "The lack of sleep, the never ending chaos that comes with having two little boys running around the house. The fact that you and I have spent five grueling years constantly trying to juggle our work schedules so that we can still be decent parents...I wouldn't have it any other way," she mused.
He looked at her and smiled.
"Me neither," he said, tilting her head towards him, giving her a lingering kiss on the lips.
"I love you," she mumbled against his lips.
"I love you more, Jen" he said, kissing her again.
"Ewww," a childish voice protested. "That's gross."
They broke apart from their kiss and looked down at the little boy that was now standing in front of them—the older brown haired one.
"You won't think it's gross someday, Josh," Jethro told the boy.
"Uh-uh," the boy replied, shaking his head solemnly and giving Jethro a very Jenny looking glare. "It's gross."
"You wouldn't be here if it weren't for kissin'," Jethro informed him.
Jenny kicked Jethro in the shin.
"He's five, Jethro," she admonished.
"Yeah, so he won't understand," he replied defensively.
"Joshua, are you and Jackson ready to go inside?" Jenny asked, changing the subject.
"Nooo," Joshua whined, protesting and shaking his head.
"Okay, sweetheart, go finish playing then," Jenny requested.
Joshua tugged on the leg of Jethro's pants.
"Daddy, come play with us," he pleaded.
"I'll be in there in a couple of minutes," Jethro responded, ruffling Joshua's hair.
"Yay!" Joshua said happily before running off towards Jackson. "Daddy's gonna play with us, Jack!" He yelled excitedly.
Jenny laughed and shook her head, yawning again.
"I'm glad you got some really decent paternity leave, I wouldn't be able to cope otherwise," Jenny said, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Why don't you go inside and get some rest? I can play with the boys, and you could put little Jane Anne in her crib," he offered, sounding concerned.
"She probably won't wake up to be fed for another hour..." she contemplated. "I think I'll take you up on that."
"Good, you need some rest, Jen. You've been through a lot this week," he said, squeezing her hand gently before he stood up.
She shifted the baby in her arms and winced as she moved. He helped her get up, making sure she was steady before he took away his support.
"Thank you," she said gratefully. "Really, for everything."
He stepped up close to her and gently ran his finger across Jane's head, smiling at the baby. He looked up at Jenny and cupped her cheek with his hand and kissed her, before pulling back and smiling at her.
"No, thank you," he whispered to her. "Have a good nap," he said, turning around to head over to the boys.
Jenny smiled at him as he walked away.
"He's a great guy, I think we should keep him around forever," Jenny said softly to the sleeping baby as she headed into the house.
"You better watch out, Josh and Jack, the tickle monster is comin' for ya," Jethro growled playfully, making both the boys scream with delight and run away from him.
As Jethro scooped up giggling little Jackson in his arms, the scene disappeared, and Jethro found himself sitting with dead Jenny in her study again.
It took him a moment to adjust to his surroundings again, shocked to realize his face was wet. He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, looking over to Jenny. He felt like he'd just woken up from a really good dream, one that he wished wasn't over, one that he wished was reality.
"That's what would have...if I'd gone after..." he stammered hoarsely, feeling shell shocked.
"Perhaps, or at least, something similar to that. It's just a glimpse of one moment of what could have been. We won't really know what exactly would have happened, because it never actually happened. We both made different choices," she explained, a sad look on her face.
"If I'd known what...I should have..." he trailed off, feeling frustrated at himself, desperately wishing he could turn back the clock and do things differently. Like he had said to his mom earlier, "Wish I'd known all this before...learned from it."
"It's okay, Jethro, don—"
"No, it's not," he interjected, trying to calm himself. "I could have had you, and those kids. I could be happier, things would have been perfect."
"No, not perfect. That was just one happy and perfect seeming moment. There still would have been a lot of hard things," she said.
"Yeah? Like what? 'Cause it all seems like it would have been pretty damn worth it," he snapped, feeling like he had made all the wrong choices.
"I would have still died," she said softly.
He was about to question why when he suddenly remembered.
"Your illness..." he muttered, his agitation melting away as his eyes met hers.
She nodded, smiling sadly again.
"No matter what choices you or I made about us, the one definite outcome was that I would die," she said straightforwardly, shrugging her shoulders.
He just looked at her, suddenly wondering what would have happened with all of that, giving her a questioning look. As if she could read his mind she answered him.
"Just like your dad, you would have found yourself in the position of caring for a sick, slowly dying wife. It would have been hell for both of us. You would have had to bury your wife for the second time in your life, while also being a single parent to three grieving children while you juggled with your own grief and a full time job. It would have been a brutal road, and it would have taken you ages to pick up the pieces. The kids and the team would have been your saving grace from all the pain."
The thought of all that made him feel almost sick. It seemed unjust to him that no matter what, Jenny was doomed to die. He violently wished he could have ended up with her, wished that flash of what could have been had actually happened. At the same time, he felt a conflicting, almost selfish feeling of relief that it hadn't—because it involved so much more pain and grief. Then again, it also involved so much happiness.
He rubbed his head, the conflicted thoughts making his head hurt. She laughed and he looked up, letting the image of her laughing again sink in, trying to appreciate the sight and sound.
"You're overthinking it all," she said. "This isn't some case you can find an answer or solution to, it is what it is, there is no changing anything." She shook her her head at him, smiling. "I should've known you would over analyze it all, I should've given you less to chew."
He snorted.
"I remember you doing your fair share of over analyzing," he pointed out.
"I had to over analyze everything when it came to you. You were a difficult, stubborn, pain in my ass," she shot back.
He chuckled, not denying it, and looked into her green eyes.
"It's time to drink your bourbon and say goodnight, Gracie," she said, a soft smile on her face.
"You're not gonna ask me to stay again? 'Cause this time I've learned my lesson, I'd say yes," he responded.
"I would if I could," she responded earnestly, "but as I already told you, this is just a temporary stop."
She got up from her chair and he followed her lead. She walked out of the study and into the hall, and he followed her to her front door.
"I believe you have one more pit stop before you go back, and trust me, you'll have a harder time wanting to leave then," she said, turning to him as they reached the door.
He walked closer to her and rested his hand on the side of her face, brushing his thumb across her cheek.
"I missed you, Jen," he said, feeling his emotions rise, not wanting to say goodbye.
She put her hand over his on her cheek and closed her eyes for a moment.
"I missed you too," she said, opening her eyes again, tears forming in the corners.
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, breathing her in again for a moment, enjoying her smell and the warmth of her skin, brushing his hand through her hair. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed comfortingly.
When they pulled apart, he took in how radiant and peaceful she looked.
"Goodbye, Jethro," she said, opening the door for him.
"Goodbye, Jen," he replied, letting his stare linger at her hair, eyes, and lips one last time before he turned and walked out the door.
"We'll always have Paris," he heard her say distantly as his surroundings turned into the diner again.