"Herschel, Herschel, nu! Get up! Dudley and Uncle Velvel are already by Shacharis! What's wrong with you? Get up, Herschel! Nu!"
Herschel stretched his arms wide, yawning. He was having a geshmaka dream involving a motorbike or something. Aunt Petunia had ruined it.
"Wash neigel vaser and get out of bed! Don't be such an ois vorf! I need you to help me in the kitchen after shacharis! Nu!"
Herschel Pinter had been an oirech by the Dursleys for b'erech ten yurrin. That's mamesh a long time to intrude on their hospitality, but that was the matziv. Nebach, his parents were dead and he had no one else to take care of him. Lemysah though, his parents were modernisha shkotzim who went off the derech, so the Durselys weren't so mesamei'ach to take care of him. Ubber, they did it anyway because he was mishpacha. Grada, they didn't treat him with so much kavod. They didn't have a big house. They were a Lakewood family, so they put him in a cupboard under the stairs. Nu, nu, it was big enough and the bochurim in Volozhin and Slabodka had it worse. They were trying to show him the derech hatoirah.
Now b'etzem, the Dursleys mistama did have more space for him. Nebach, after ten years, they still had only one kid, Dudley. They were one of four families in Lakewood to have only one kid. Aunt Petunia's name was on every tefillah list in Lakewood that she should b'ezras hashem yisborach have more children. The Dursleys were waiting for the day when they'd have more kinderlach so they kept a bedroom empty. They wouldn't allow Harry there though because his parents were off the derech and he might, chas veshalom, have a bad hashpa'ah on their future unborn children.
Mrs. Dursley was knocking on the cupboard door again.
"Nu! You're gonna miss shacharis! It's Dudley's birthday today. You want to miss shacharis on his birthday?"
Herschel gave a krechtz. Oy. He had forgotten about Dudley's birthday. Not geshmak. Last birthday, grada, Dudley mamesh acted like a vilda chaya. He was always a shtickle vild, ubber on his birthday he mamesh let it out. Every day, Dudley and his friends would go to Herschel in yeshiva and shtuch him out and be mevayesh him berabim. When he tried to stick up for himself they would hit him. Dudley made sure that no one liked Herschel and told everyone about his modernisha parents. Everyone would call Herschel a "harry" which left Herschel confused because he wasn't sure how they knew his goyisha name.
Herschel woke up slowly, said moideh ani, and made his way to the living room. On the floor, he could see all Dudley's presents. Dudley was given a set of Mishnah berura and a small shas. Wow! Herschel didn't know anyone else who got a shas for their eleventh birthday. Herschel wished to himself that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Velvel would buy Dudley some mussar seforim though. Dudley pashtus needed a shtickel mussar so he should stop bullying Herschel.
Dudley and his father walked downstairs, both headed to shacharis.
"Nu, nu," Uncle Velvel grunted. "Get your tuchis to shul already."
Harry stopped staring wistfully at the pile of seforim Dudley got for his birthday, and followed Uncle Velvel and Dudley to shul.
Dudley was like his father. He had a shtickel boich. Maybe more than a shtickel. Mei'idach gisa, Herschel was mamesh like a stick. He was like Moisha Rabbeinu's staff. Except, he couldn't turn into a snake. But, I'm pashtus getting ahead of myself here. So, Herschel followed them to shul. He went, he davened with a lot of kavana. It was very good. He was a shtarka yingel. Nothing like his modernisha parents. It's a nebach he had such yichus, but nu even Avraham Avinu had a father who did avoidah zara.
After shul, Herschel went back home and wished he could hide away in his cupboard under the stairs. There were all kinds of spiders and not geshmaka zachin in the cupboard, but he's rather that than have to deal with Dudley's birthday.
"C'mon! Nu!" Aunt Petunia shouted. "Help me make the eggs and waffles for Dudley's birthday!"
Herschel hopped to it. He went into the kitchen and helped serve and make the food. Meanwhile, Dudley wasn't so excited about the matanos his parents bought him for his birthday.
"I wanted an oiz vehadar Mishnah berurah!" he complained loudly. "This isn't oiz vehadar!"
Aunt Petunia rushed over to him and put her arm around him.
"Shhhhhh," she said. "Hush, my darling. Totty will return it to the store, and get you an oiz vehadar."
She looked over at Uncle Velvel.
"Won't you, dear?"
I don't chap these modernisha mehalchim. It's not the yiddisha derech for a husband and wife to call each other such names like "dear". No wonder their son was a bully at school. He pashtus was mushpah in bad ways from his parents when he saw them call each other by goyisha love names.
"Avada," Uncle Velvel said. "Poshit. Only oiz vehadar for our young bochur."
Dudley was crying now.
"The shas is so small! I want a bigger shas!"
His father was beaming when he saw the cheishek hatoirah that Dudley had.
"You'll get an oiz vehadar shas for your bar mitzvah!" Uncle Velvel announced.
Dudley didn't stop crying and his parents both huddled over him to try to comfort him. Harry grabbed a waffle while their backs were turned, said a quick bracha under his breath, and fressed it down. Otherwise, he would have to eat cold oatmeal for breakfast. The Dursleys couldn't afford fancy foods on him.
There was a knock on the door, and suddenly Dudley stopped crying. He pashtus was only crying to be mechanif his parents into getting him presents. Harry went to get the door and standing there was Pinny Pilkes, Dudley's best friend.
"Oh, Herschel. You're coming with us?"
Dudley's parents were taking him and his friend Pinny to the zoo for his birthday.
"No! Of course not!" Dudley said over Herschel's shoulder. He pushed his cousin out of the way to greet his best friend.
"What do I need to go to a zoo for?" Harry said under his breath. "If I wanted to watch a bunch of beheimos, I can just observe you two."
"Herschel is gonna be watched by Mrs. Goldberger." Dudley said, looking menacingly at Herschel. "No, Herschel?"
The Dursleys would never, chas veshalom, bring Herschel on a birthday trip. Every year, they would leave him with the neighbor, Mrs. Goldberger. He hated being watched by her because all she would do is read him Yossi and Leibel books over and over again, and call him "shaifaleh" and "mamaleh".
"Actually," said Aunt Petunia coming up from behind them. "Mrs. Goldberger isn't here today. She went to her cousins in Monsey for shabbos, and still hasn't come back."
"What?!" Dudley said, his mouth agape.
Herschel mamesh couldn't believe it. He was going to join them on their trip.
"I don't chap," Uncle Velvel said.
"He's going to have to join us," Aunt Petunia said.
Herschel kept himself from shouting in excitement. He was going to the zoo! He mamesh couldn't wait to get there.
Dudley and Uncle Velvel made a fuss about it, but there was nothing they could do, and Harry found himself squished in the back of the car in between Dudley and Pinny.
"When are we going to get there, Uncle Velvel?" Harry asked.
Velvel turned around, his face beet red.
"Look here, you little mechutzef. I would poshit leave you in the car if I could, but that's not safe. I want no funny stuff! If I even get a shtickel ruach of funny stuff, I'll drive you right back home!"
Herschel didn't respond.
"Herschel! What do you say?"
"Yes, Feter Velvel," Herschel said.
"Good."
Herschel wasn't sure what his uncle was making such a fuss about, but sometimes mudiner zachin would happen to Herschel. One time, Dudley and his friends was chasing him around in middle of a galachim game trying to beat him up. Harry ran up the stairs with Dudley closely behind him. Suddenly, like ksihuf, Herschel was on the roof. He had no idea how he got there. They had to get the goyisha janitor to get him down.
Other strange things would happen too. One time, Dudley, as a joke, cut off Herschel's peyos while he was sleeping. Herschel was so upset. He loved his peyos and he thought everyone would laugh at him because he'd be one of the only boys without peyos. He went to sleep crying. Suddenly, they were back the next day. He had long peyos behind his ears again, and he had no idea how it happened. Dudley and Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were mystified. They sent him to his room in the cupboard under the stairs for a week after that even though he had no idea what he did.
Herschel was excited about going to the zoo. The whole way there, Dudley complained loudly, but there was nothing he could do except elbow Herschel in the ribs as they got out the door. The zoo was like nothing Herschel had ever seen before. His yeshiva went to a zoo once, but his uncle and aunt didn't let him go on trips. They said they didn't want any bad hashpah on his neshama. Herschel followed the Dursley family, looking at the animals with more fascination than yeshivish kids watching a construction site. He saw more animals than he'd even chapped existed. Nothing mudiner happened until they reached the reptile house.
Now, the reptile house had a lot of geshmaka animals. There were tons of snakes, scorpions, spiders, and even a Komodo dragon. It should really be called "the house of chayois ra'ois." They were walking through it when Herschel saw a groisa snake. It was gevaldik how big this thing was. Herschel walked up to the glass in awe, and put his hand on the glass.
"Whoaaahhh," he said. "You're massive."
I takka am, the snake hissed back.
Herschel almost jumped in surprise. He had heard mysahs in yeshiva about Shloima Hamelech being able to talk to animals, but he didn't chap how suddenly he, Herschel, also had this power. It was like overnight Hashem gave him this gift.
"I don't chap," he whispered softly to the snake. "You understand me?"
Yeesssss, the snake responded.
Herschel racked his brains as to what he can ask this snake with his newfound powers.
"Why did your ancestor trick Chava into eating from the Eitz Hadaas?"
Harry had never understood that part of chumash. What shychas did the snake have to anything? Why did he want to butt in and make Adam and Chava lose gan eden? But before the snake could respond, there was suddenly a major ba'al hagan.
"Dudley, look! Look! The snake is hissing!"
Pinny had seen the snake, and was calling Dudley over.
Dudley ran, pushed Herschel over and onto the floor, and started banging on the glass, trying to scare the snake.
The next thing that happened was such an einfal that it mistama was kishuf somehow. Herschel didn't even chap how it happened. Ein minute, Dudley was leaning on the glass banging and making faces at the snake, then punkt that second, BAM, the glass mamesh disappeared into thin air, and Dudley fell through into the snake exhibit screaming.
Mistama, this is one thing I'm not gonna blame Herschel for. Lemysah, it d'efsher was kishuf, but oines rachmana patri, and Herschel didn't even chap what he was doing. He was a tyhara bochur, at this point in the story at least, and I'm not gonna blame him for what happened. Dudley's parents, however, had a different idea.
Everyone screamed and screamed as Dudley sat stunned in the snake's cage. The snake, boruch hashem, didn't hurt Dudley, and instead slithered out of his exhibit and onto the floor near Herschel.
Shkoyach, Reb Yid, he hissed to Herschel and he slithered out the door.
Dudley finally got up to get out of the cage, but nisim ve'niflaois, the glass had reappeared. The Dursleys were mamesh going meshuga, while Herschel was poshit cracking up to himself seeing his beheima cousin finally in a cage like a beheima. They ended up having to call one of the goyim to break the glass and get Dudley out. No one had any musag of how this happened.
On the way home, Pinny said:
"I think I saw, maybe, Herschel was talking to the snake before before."
Fetter Velvel turned to Herschel, his face beet red.
"Takka azoi, Herschel?"
When Herschel and the Dursleys got home, Velvel spared no time. He gave Herschel a massive fresk in the face, and screamed:
"GET TO YOUR ROOM! NOW!"
Harry walked to the cupboard under the stairs, his face red with embarrassment. He had no idea how this had happened. He sat on his bed all fahtumled. No one had ever told him that his parents were Modern Orthodox and did kishuf, nor that they were killed by yemach-shemoi-vezichroi. All he knew was what his uncle and aunt told him, that they died in a car accident. This was total sheker though. They also told him that this was where he got the scar on his forehead shaped like a lightning bolt. Dudley's friends, as a joke, would make the bracha "oiseh myseh bereishis" while pointing to his forehead and laughing.
Altz that, Dudley's gang was mamesh not geshmak to Herschel, and the rest of the yeshiva weren't so nice to him either. There was mamesh a chisaron in v'ahavta lerei'acha kamoicha at this school. People were more afraid of Dudley than of Hashem, and no one would be friends with Herschel. Herschel didn't mind so much, but he hated living at the Dursleys.
The only people who acted b'noiach towards him were strangers in the street. Mudiner strangers. Wearing intersanta begadim. They would come up to Herschel wearing long robes like a girl, (begged isha grada), and would smile at him, or wave. One time, one of these strange people even knew his goyisha name. "Ah, Harry," he had said. "Mamesh a kavod to see you." Herschel looked at him quizzically, and he quickly quieted and disappeared. Whenever Herschel tried to see these people or talk to them, they'd always vanish.
Herschel didn't understand his newfound powers to talk to snakes, but he didn't care so much. Herschel was lonely and his life was full of tzoris. He didn't like living at the Dursleys, being bullied by Dudley yoimam velylah. He davened to Hashem that someone would take him away from all of this, and he said shema and went to sleep. Little did he know, that when you call out to Hashem, Hashem is always listening. With every makah, comes a refu'ah, and Hashem was preparing the refu'ah right now, and sending it to him. No, it wasn't moshiach. Halevai, it was. But for Herschel, it would be his own personal ge'ulah.