His heart races as he looks into the older man's eyes, his uncertainty melting away as their lips meet for the first time. The electricity they both felt in that first kiss, their first night together.
All the nights he spent alone, silently sobbing himself to sleep, his mind plagued with want, need, and doubt. Not knowing what was right, what was wrong. Hating himself for feeling the way he did, yet hating himself for not being able to be true to who he really was. For not being able to admit, even to himself, what - and who - it was that he really wanted.
Walking down a busy street together, hot chocolate in hand, sharing details of his life with the older man and revelling in his company. His heart skipping a beat as the older man teases him, before he finally comes to the realisation that the older man was right all along: he is in love with him. His heart beating loudly in his chest as he finally says those three words out loud.
I love you.
Syed woke with a start, gasping for breath as the images and feelings which flooded his subconscious try to break through. It was him. That older man who had come to see him yesterday. Christian? Yes, that was his name. The man who said he was from Syed's past. No, he'd said he was part of Syed's life now, but Syed had no memory of him. He closed his eyes, breathing hard, as the images started to fade away. They had felt so real, but at the same time, they felt so alien to him. Like he was looking upon another's life.
He thought back to what the doctors had told him yesterday. He'd had a knock to the head. He gingerly touched the part of his temple which was still bandaged and found that easy to accept. But the fact that he was living in Birmingham? It was 2017? He was finding that hard to come to terms with. Syed tried hard to think of the last thing he could remember before waking up in the hospital yesterday, but everything was a blur. He didn't know what was real anymore. He definitely remembered moving to the East End of London and getting back in touch with his mother in 2009. Yes, that had definitely happened. He had been living in Walford with his mum and dad and Tamwar. He'd been trying to get back into his dad's good graces, working with the family in the catering business. Doing as he was told and being a good, respectable, Muslim boy.
But the images that had danced in his mind while he was sleeping, the images of him and Christian, together, those - memories? - they also seemed real. And if they were real, what did that mean had happened to the relationships he was trying so hard to build back up again?
He knew that, prior to moving to Walford, he had been attracted to other men. That he had wrestled with his thoughts and feelings as he struggled to reconcile the two parts of himself; the Muslim he had been brought up as, and the fact that he was attracted to men. If he had, indeed, managed to get back to his family after spending so long alone, would he really have risked everything for one man? For Christian?
He looked around as the door opened, and an attractive woman with flowing dark hair walked in, smiling at him. He had a vague memory, a recollection, of her, and he wracked his brain for information as she walked over and sat down in the chair next to his bed.
"Syed, it's good to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm - "
"Amira?" The name had hit Syed like a bolt of lightning, and suddenly his mind was filed with images of the two of them together. He could see them both working together in the kitchen of his parents' catering business. And he could see her living with him, at his parents' house, laughing and joking. And kissing.
"You remember me?" She looked shocked, so Syed reached out and took her hand. "The doctors, they told me you didn't remember anything?"
"It comes in flashes, really, that's the only way I can describe it. I remember moving to Walford, getting back in touch with my parents, but after that, everything's mostly a blur." Syed shrugged, looking down at his hand, joined with Amira's, and noticing her wedding ring for the first time. He had taken off a ring from his own finger yesterday, because it had felt alien to him, but he reached over to the bedside table and held it up to her. "Amira, are we married?"
"We were." Amira looked him straight in the eyes and held his gaze. "What I'm about to tell you will be difficult for you to hear, but please know that I'm telling you the truth. Despite everything." As she spoke, she took some photographs out of her bag. "We were married, once upon a time. This is us, here." She showed him a picture of the two of them, dressed in traditional Islamic wedding attire, smiling at the camera. And then another, more candid one of the two of them with the man from yesterday, Christian. Syed and Amira were looking lovingly into each other's eyes while Christian - No, wait. Syed and Christian were the ones who were looking longingly into one another's eyes.
Syed ripped the photo from Amira's grasp and stared at it in disbelief. The way that he was looking at Christian.. The way Christian was looking back at him, such passion shining in his eyes.. He turned the picture face down on the bed and looked at Amira.
"I don't understand. We were married?"
"It was a lie, Syed. It never should have happened. I finally admitted that to myself many years ago. The whole time we were married, before that, even, you were in love with someone else. It took me a long time to come to terms with that fact."
"Tell me."