Hawke's POV

That Sunday at the Rivaini residence was… actually kind of normal. Isabela cock-blocked Aveline. Some embarrassed giggling ensued. Varric introduced himself. Amazon jokes were made and laughed at. And he had already made sandwiches and no one wanted to see them go to waste, so we all settled in and watched Doctor Who (the fourth Doctor). That's when the pecking order was established. You see, there are only three seats in Isabela's living room, but there were five of us. Our token male was given the armchair, mostly because he made the food. So there we were, Aveline and I sitting on the floor against our girlfriends' legs, throwing kernels of popcorn at each other.

And that's how it was for a few weeks. Just… normal. The school week was busy (except my outstanding lunch date on Thursday). Debate was… damn near negligible. Our team wasn't big enough to take part in certain competitions and most of the topics up for debate were boring as sin. I showed up and wrote my pieces, but there wasn't much passion there. Rugby practice was intense, and we were winning each match we participated in. But I was just happy that Jess was avoiding me like the plague.

But the weekends were reserved for the five of us. We usually just ate, watched movies and played cards. Every once in a while the Rivaini and the redhead would jab each other with insults and my roommate and I would have to defend our lovers. Though, as far as I could tell, Merrill and Aveline weren't doing much loving. They'd peck one another on the cheek or the forehead, or even the hand, but never on the lips. Not that I saw. Not that it was any of my business, anyway. I was too busy with my own sex life to wonder about theirs.

It was just like any other Tuesday afternoon. My Social and Political Philosophy class had let out, so I made my way back up the hill toward my dormitory. As I shuffled the papers on my desk, I found myself with two options. Start a five-page paper on The United States Prison system now and cut that short to go to dinner and rugby practice, or kill some time doing something else. I decided on the latter. So I cleaned up my room and went to check the mail.

The building that contained the post office boxes for our dorms (along with a second dining hall and a mini-mart) wasn't too busy. Midterms were coming up in two weeks, so most people were squirreled away in their rooms or making a point not to miss lectures. I pulled out my key and eyed my box. It might be nice to sort out my junk mail in peace. I looked around. There were some comfortable armchairs situated in front of a collection of screens. Hey, the History channel is on. Win-win. So I grabbed my fistful of correspondence and plopped myself down.

Credit card offer. Junk. FFA donation request. Keep. Student Loan documents… Ugh, keep… As I separated the mass into piles, I noticed something fall to the floor. I picked it up and discovered that it was a package slip. Who would be sending me a package? I read over the cardstock. It wouldn't be the first time that someone else's mail accidentally ended up in my slot. But no, the card was clearly marked with my name. How odd. I stuffed anything worth saving into the back pocket of my jeans and recycled the rest, keeping the slip in my hand. I walked up to the service desk, waiting in line behind a woman who was asking all sorts of questions about shipping to and from China. I sighed, but was patient. Then, a familiar voice called to me. "Hawke!"

I turned to find Anders, scruffy as ever and wearing his signature trench coat. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when I caught the way his face lit up when I acknowledged his presence. "Hello Anders," I replied pleasantly.

"How have you been? It feels like ages since we've talked." He remarked as he walked up to me and stood by my side. I really did roll my eyes then.

"It's been less than a week, Blondie. But I'm fine. How are you?" I asked politely, avoiding my usual sarcasm. For all the crap people give him, he's not a bad dude. He's just…

"Single. A bit lonely. But that's nothing new." … a bit dramatic. He rubbed at the back of his neck. His eyes perked up when he saw the piece of paper in my hand. "Waiting on a parcel?"

No, I just have a fetish for waiting in lines. "Yep." I blurted nonchalantly.

Anders scratched at his stubbled cheek, his body suddenly tense. "Is it your birthday? Did I miss your birthday? I thought it was in-" He asked frantically.

I waved him off before he could give himself a heart attack. "July. Yeah." I chuckled at his worried state. Merrill and Aveline are the only ones from Kirkwall who track my birthday and they just hand me a card when I show up for the fall semester. Oh, and Tallis. She got me a coupon for five free hugs… You know, that should have been my first clue… Do I still have that? I zoned out for a minute until my male companion tilted his head and stared at me, his brown eyes searching for some sort of response, but I hadn't heard his question. "Huh?"

"I asked if it's a care package?" The blonde looked curiously at me, probably wondering where my mind had gone.

"Um, I really don't know. I can't think of any special occasions coming up. And my family usually calls before they send me anything." I flattened back my hair.

"Weird." He shrugged his shoulders. The movement shook his trench coat and it made… a noise. A squeak? Or…

I stepped forward and turned to face the man. He looked surprised, either by the noise, or by how close I was standing now. "Is that-? Anders, do you have something alive in your pocket?" I demanded between clenched teeth, glancing around suspiciously. We were the only people actually around, other than the young woman still yakking the service representative's ears off.

"I… don't know what you're talking about." Blondie gulped, pinning his arms to his sides. There was another small sound, muffled slightly by his palm. I raised an eyebrow and put my hands on my hips. My countenance was a deadly kind of serious.

"Either there is a kitten in your coat, or your crotch has begun to mew." Oh, how I wanted to laugh.

He grabbed me by the shoulders, flipping me about. "Shhh." He begged. A lovely dark chocolate-toned woman with tight brown shoulder-length curls looked up at me from her chair.

"How can I help you today?" She asked politely, glancing uncomfortably up at Anders. A lot of people have that reaction; mostly because he dresses like a classic 'Stranger Danger' poster.

"Yes, I believe I have a package?" I handed her the slip from my mailbox and dug my ID out of my wallet to show her, smirking a little more than necessary. I couldn't help myself. She was pretty.

She nodded her head as she confirmed my identity. "Alright. One moment, please." She smiled as she stood and scurried into a back room.

I turned back to my friend. "Anders, you know you can't bring your pets onto campus." I scolded him, my arms crossed over my chest. I hadn't meant to look or sound like Aveline, but I probably did. Proximity breeds similarity more than contempt.

Blondie slumped, his brown eyes apologetic. "Yes, I know. But I couldn't just leave him at home! He got pushed out of the litter." He whined, his hand protectively cradling his pocket. He looked so sad, I almost wanted to hug him, except… Wait a second-

"Litter? How many cats do you have?" I asked incredulously, trying to keep my voice low.

"Shhh." He pleaded and twisted me back around again.

The young postal assistant had returned with a package the size of a shoebox. "Here you are, Miss Hawke." She handed me the item. It didn't weigh much, whatever it was. I glanced at her nametag (which just so happened to be on her chest).

"Thank you… Emily." I said with a grin. Our eyes made contact for all of about a second. She wasn't interested. Then again, it could have been due to my fading love-bites, or my current company. Not that it mattered. I was off the market and for all I knew, she was too. I bid her 'good day' anyway and returned to the comfy chair I had occupied earlier, Anders in tow. I set the box in my lap and waited for him to sit down.

"Pretty small box for a care package. And unmarked." He observed as he carefully removed his coat and draped it over his legs. There was a little unhappy noise coming from his pocket. Clearly the pet didn't want to be jostled.

I looked over at the bulging compartment, then up at him. He was wearing a long-sleeved grey shirt with a peppering of multi-colored hairs on it. "I'd rather discuss the small, furry elephant in the room, if you don't mind." I noted calmly, glancing around to make sure we were in relative privacy.

The fair-skinned master-debater opened his mouth, aghast. "Don't call Sir Pounce-a-lot an elephant! He's sensitive enough as it is, having been abandoned and all." He remarked as he stroked his jacket, causing the kitten to audibly purr.

"Sir Pounce-a-lot? You're joking, right?" That has got to be the worst name I've ever heard. For any animal, really.

Blondie turned his body toward me and slowly pulled an orange ball of fluff out of his clothes. "Aw, just look at him and his little paws. He only wants to play yarn with the big kitties. Don't you, Sir Pounce-a-lot? Yes you do." He cooed at the cat in his hand, rubbing gently under its chin with his pinky.

"He's so tiny…" He was maybe two weeks old, with bright orange fur and barely visible blue-green eyes. He fit comfortably in my friend's open palm.

"I've been hand-feeding him for two days now in hopes that he'll put on weight. He likes to curl up in my jacket because its warm, like his mother's fur would be." He continued to stroke the kitten with the tips of his fingers, causing it to purr and paw at the air. I'd never seen Anders care about anything, ever. But he cared about this little ball of fluff. He cradled Sir Pounce-a-lot in his hand as if he was the most precious thing in the world. And he had to be, because hand-feeding is every few hours, like clockwork. You could tell by the bags under his eyes that he took it seriously.

His focus was so intense that he hadn't noticed his sleeves slipping down. There were scars there. Old ones. Anders had always hid them well, but I'd seen them before. His gaze wandered once the kitten fell asleep. He looked up at me, his brown eyes oddly happy. "Just, please don't tell anyone. People think I'm weird enough already." He whispered, passing me the kitten long enough for him to put his coat on. He slowly placed the animal back in his pocket and tucked a washcloth around him.

"I won't tell anyone, so long as you don't tell anyone that I don't have allergies. I have a friend who's obsessed with cats and I told him I was allergic so he'd stop flirting with me." I chuckled awkwardly as he carefully sat back down. "Nice guy and all, but I've got a girlfriend."

Blondie put a hand on my shoulder and smiled. "At least you know he's got good taste." I couldn't help but snicker. He was getting turned down, but he was totally ok with it. His hand fell away and he cleared his throat. "But, anyway, who do you think the package is from?"

I shrugged. "It's probably from my family. Most of my friends I keep in contact with are here at school. Why would they pay postage when they could just hand me whatever it is?"

"That's logical." He concurred, reaching up to adjust his ponytail. A short silence began, which Anders broke by standing and adjusting his coat. "Well, thanks for the chat. And be sure to call me if your little surprise turns out to be suspicious. I can… 'gain access' to postal records and figure out what zip code it came from." He added with a whisper.

"Will do." I nodded my head politely.

He turned to leave, but stopped mid-stride. My companion twisted back around at the last second, shaking his finger at me. "We should do this more often. You know, talk and play with kittens. How do your Mondays look?" He pulled his phone out and brought up his calendar.

I rolled my eyes. I should have known he wouldn't give up. "You're pussy is great and all, but don't push your luck." I grinned playfully.

"Ooo, good one." Anders tucked his phone back in his unoccupied pocket, trying not to smile too hard at how awesome I was, even when politely telling him to shove off. "See you tomorrow, Hawke."

"See you later, Blondie and company."

Two History Channel specials on Colonial America later, I finally returned to my room with my unopened package. I figured I had just enough time to drop my mail off, figure out who sent me a gift, then grab Aveline and Merrill for dinner. So I sat down at my desk, tucked my letters away in a drawer and grabbed out a small knife. There was a generic printed label with my address on the box, but no return address. Hopefully whatever is inside gives me a clue. I shook it first. There was something sliding around in there. Obviously nothing fragile or explosive. With a shrug, I brought the knife-edge to the tape.

"Did your sister send me another batch of salted caramel pecan brittle?"

I looked up at my open door to find Aveline, peering over my shoulder and mouth practically watering. My sister Bethany had a habit of slipping homemade candy into my boxes. Candy that contained nuts. Which I don't like (insert punch-line here). But my redheaded prop didn't have any problem relieving me of the confections, for my own good, of course.

"I'm not sure yet. Wanna take a seat and find out?"

Man-Hands sat up on my bed and waiting for me to open the box. With a simple swipe of the knife, the gift was unveiled. And I had a panic attack. It was a strap-on dildo, big and red and staring right at me. I tried to shut the box quickly and throw it behind my desk before my dorm-mate could see, but I must have been too late. "Jesus Christ, Hawke! Why would you show me that?" She yelled, smacking me on the shoulder and contorting her face in disgust. I blushed like mad as she continued to beat on me.

"I swear to God, I didn't know that was in there!" I covered my mouth with my hands, embarrassed beyond belief. So, of course Merrill had to show up.

"Red, are you ready for din- Oh, you're both in here already! How convenient!" Myself and my best friend slowly turned around to face her girlfriend. Our cheeks were beet red and my heart was pounding out of my chest. "Are you two feeling alright? You look ill."

I swallowed some air, my pride, and my sense of honesty. "W-We're fine. I was just telling Ave one of Isabela's dirty jokes." Yes, I lied through my teeth to my roommate. And the woman-shaped battering ram just nodded and went with it.

"Did you figure out the difference between oooooh and aaaaah? She told me it had nothing to do with vowels, but I'm not sure I believe her. Has she told you, Hawke?" Merrill rambled as she sat next to her girlfriend, wrapping an arm around her waist.

I attempted to clear my throat and glanced behind me. The box had fallen to the side of my desk, out of sight. "No, I don't think I've heard that one. I can ask her later, if you want." I'll also be sure to ask her why in the hell she sent me a strap-on. Because, honestly, who else would?

She smiled brightly. "Oh, that would be lovely. Now would you two like to get some food before practice? I'm sure you'll need the calories with all the extra exercise you've been doing…" Daisy just kept going on and on as the three of us walked toward the dining hall. And then yammered some more during dinner. And then talked until she was blue in the face all the way back to the dorm. I love my roommate to death, but this, of all nights, would have been a good time for some silence. Aveline and I had nothing to add to any conversations. We slipped one or two word responses in at some point, but mostly we just exchanged guilty glances and picked at our food.

I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I think I had every right to. First, surprises are bad. Second, accidentally showing my prude of a best friend anything sexual is bad. Third, introducing… implements into the bedroom without discussing it is bad. But, foremost, my pride was hurt. After a month of sleeping together, I thought I was doing quite well! I never once heard a complaint, nor a whisper of inadequacy. I had come to terms with Isabela's bisexuality, really, I had. But she knew I was a woman when she signed up for this girlfriend thing. She knew she would be without… some extra parts. So why would she spring this on me all of a sudden? Was I doing a bad job and didn't realize it? Or was she missing men so much that I had to be manlier to get her rocks off? The whole situation was confusing. I didn't know whether to scream, laugh, or cry.

But I did know that I had rugby. And I was still good at that, last I checked.

"Alright, Hawke. What's the deal?" I turned to find four sets of eyes on me; Mad-Dog's, Tallis', Kalli's and Greenie's. Practice had come and gone with minimal enthusiasm. I was still reeling from my 'gift' earlier, so I'll admit, my focus was elsewhere. This clearly became an issue for my teammates. These four in particular. Madison and Shivs, I understood. They were the people I was closest to on the team (Man-Hands not included, since she couldn't even look at me today without almost vomiting). But the other two had their own agendas.

Kallian Tabris, who is the reason the team found out I was a lesbian, was obviously here for the scoop. Her ears weren't perky for nothing. If it was a juicy story, her 5'4" green-eyed, platinum-blonde ass needed to hear it. And, like all scrum-halves, she's really good at passing things along; thus her nickname 'Gossip Girl'. But she couldn't come alone. Her small size would mean murder if one of us larger females took offense to having our business strewn about. So, in case she couldn't out-run us (which, she probably could), she always brought backup in the form of her best friend Greenie.

Oh, Greenie... If Aveline were an ugly step-sister, this would be her Cinderella. She was easily my height, with beautiful fair skin, piercing blue eyes, and golden blonde hair. And like a fairy tale, every inch of her was veiled in pure mystery. No one was sure exactly where she was from, or even what her real name was. Rumor was that her nickname had something to do with a tattoo. A tattoo that no one on the team had ever seen. But I, for one, could care less about her secrets. She had a British accent that would make even the most prudish men and women swoon… Even if she was threatening to knock your balls into your throat.

Oh yes, our dear Greenie was a beauty to behold, but that didn't mean she wasn't a scary motherfucker. Which was exactly what a full-back should be. She had a kick that could launch a shuttle into orbit and a set of arms that could easily catch it on re-entry. I was certainly happy to have her on the team. I suppose I could thank Kalli for that. She was the one who recruited her. And since then, those two have been inseparable. Like peanut butter and jelly, milk and Oreo's, tea and scones…

"Come on, Cassandra. Who do I have to kill to get your head back in the game?" Mad-Dog scolded me, placing her hands on her hips. Tallis waited patiently on the bench in front of me while Greenie stood behind Kalli. I groaned as I leaned back against my locker, watching the rest of the team leave from the corner of my eye.

"I know you guys mean well, but I really don't want to talk about it." I held my hands up in protest, praying that they would allow me a night of reflection before hounding me.

"Nothing personal, but whatever is going on is obviously bothering you." Greenie asserted, placing one hand on her hip and the other on her friend's shoulder.

Her smaller companion also made a small contribution to the conversation. "Yeah. We just want to help."

Being cornered by four rugby players was not necessarily my idea of helpful. But it was a good way to get my attention. I couldn't simply walk out. No, I was under the impression they would not only prevent my escape, but find crafty ways of getting the information they wanted. I rubbed at my temples, breathing deeply. "My issue- It's… intimate, ok? It's not something I can just say in front of the four of you." I admitted. My favorite badass didn't seem to approve.

"We're all adults here, Hawke. You may be a lesbian, but your problems are no different than anyone else's. And if you keep it bottled up, you'll explode. I don't know about these guys, but I prefer you not broken into hundreds of little fleshy bits." Madison joked, gesturing as if I was going to be a fireworks display.

"Isn't that the beginning of the Peacekeeper Wars?" Greenie grumbled, her eyebrows lifted curiously.

"No, John and Aeryn were both crystallized. Their baby, too." I politely corrected her. She nodded in understanding while the other women stared awkwardly. Another sci-fi reference lost to the cosmos.

The brunette groaned, punching my shoulder with more than playful force. "I was making a point."

Ow. I rubbed at the spot that would surely become a bruise. "Alright, alright. We're coming up on some important games and you need me on my toes. I appreciate the gravity of the situation. But this is between Isabela and I."

"Did your girlfriend do something? Just tell me where she is and I'll-" Tallis started wagging her finger, her pupils beginning to dilate viciously. I cut her off before she could start a lynch mob.

"Don't, Shivs. She didn't- I mean, she did… Ugh. I don't even know how to say this." I buried my face behind one hand, starting to feel myself blush. I didn't want to come out and say that my girlfriend wants me to be a man, but if I stayed silent, I could look forward to four angry chicks. I held up my palms, turning my head to avoid direct eye contact. "Let's just say… She bought me something and I don't know how I feel about it."

So, of course, my friends felt the need to guess. And I learned that there are three types of women: the self-conscious, the romantic, and the perverted.

"A make-up kit?" Mad-Dog started.

"An engagement ring?" Kalli added with a smile.

"A sex toy." Tallis and Greenie exclaimed simultaneously and began to chuckle.

My body went rigid and all of my blood pumped to my cheeks. "How in the hell did you-?"

Tallis looked me dead in the eye, shaking her finger and looking smug. "I know that look. She bought you something that she's into, but you aren't quite comfortable with." Damn. She could shoot the wings off a fly with aim like that.

"Ooh, like what? Restraints? Nipple clamps? A whip?" Greenie continued to investigate, her eyebrows wiggling humorously.

Kalli turned to stare at her best friend, her face contorted with shock. "What the hell are you into, Greenie?" The woman only shrugged and the whole group began grumbling and discussing fetishes amongst themselves. Honestly, it was giving me a headache. My pulse was throbbing in my head and neck. I threw my hands up in surrender.

"It's a strap-on, alright! My bisexual girlfriend bought me a fucking strap-on, because I'm just not enough for her! Are you happy now?" I shouted. I began panting as the locker room fell silent and all eyes turned back to me. It was a good thing we were the last ones left at practice.

Madison was the first one to speak. "Whoa."

"Have you talked to her?" Tallis asked earnestly, patting a spot on the bench beside her. With a huff, I plopped down. I felt defeated and I'm sure I looked it. I buried my face in my hands while the other women joined me in sitting down, the blondes on my left and the other two on my right.

"What do I say? Thanks for the fake penis, Isabela, but if you want a dude you should look elsewhere?" I asked skeptically.

"I could see why that would have you gutted." Greenie admitted, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

Our resident gossip leaned forward to attempt eye contact. "What's your plan, Hawke? Avoid her for the rest of time?"

I shrugged, uncovering my face. "I don't know, Kalli. One second everything was perfect, the next second… this thing showed up in the mail. No text. No note. No warning of any kind."

"I know I'm no expert on relationships, or women, or any of that kinky shit… But you should call your girlfriend, like, right now, and ask her about it. At worst, you'll break up. At best, she'll apologize and make it up to you." Madison argued, quite logically, I might add.

"You have a point…" I groaned, rubbing at the back of my neck.

Greenie stood, placing her hands on her hips. "Then we ladies will leave you in peace while you get things sorted. We'll be out front if you need us." She nodded affirmatively and waited for the others to stand.

"Do I have to go? I really want to hear this." Kalli whined, resisting the resolute stare of her companion.

Tallis slid closer, speaking to the blonde from behind me. "Go on, Gossip. I'll stay here and keep both eyes on our other winger." Knowing my teammate, there was a wink and a gesture in there somewhere. Whatever she did, the others quickly left. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, nervously fiddling with it.

My crimson-haired comrade must of seen that sign of stress and decided I needed some assistance. In a motion I didn't even catch, she moved behind me on the bench. She sat on her knees and began to massage the muscles of my neck. She wastes no time. I snorted and shook my head, amused by the whole thing. "You don't have to babysit me, you know."

She applied some extra pressure to my upper spine and leaned forward, bring her face alongside mine. "And miss you talking dirty? I'm single, not dead." She jested. We watched each other for a moment, her grinning and me waiting for her to give up. My defiance didn't last.

"Fine, you little pervert. But not a word out of you." I commanded, tapping her nose with my finger. The woman only laughed and ruffled my hair, then continued kneading my neck and shoulders. It felt pretty nice and it made for a nice distraction from my current predicament. So I finally called my girlfriend.

It barely rang twice before a familiar sultry voice answered. "Hello, lover." I could feel Tallis choke on a laugh.

"H-hey Isabela…"

"Are you cancelling our lunch date? You know, I do enjoy a good afternoon's snack and tumble, but if you're busy-" She started nonchalantly.

I cut her off by clearing my throat. "It's not that. It's- Jesus, why is this so hard to say?" I pushed my hair back with one hand.

"Is everything alright, Hawke?" She sounded genuinely concerned. But I didn't know what to say. That's when my roguish little friend jabbed two fingers into my kidney. I turned to yell at her, but she just glared at me, gesturing for me to speak up. I stuck out my tongue and rubbed at the damaged area.

"I received your package today." I deadpanned. Happy, Shivs? The woman shrugged, obviously pleased with herself.

"Ah, yes, that. The company was supposed to call me when they sent it out. Fucking trained monkeys… Did you like it? Was it too small? I could have gone an inch or two longer, but I didn't want to get pretentious. The man over the phone seemed shocked enough when I asked for your name etched at the base." Isabela rambled enthusiastically. I was busy exchanging crude gestures with my winger and it took me a few seconds to process what she was saying.

I sat up straight, holding my phone closer to my ear. "I.. Wha… Huh? You had a strap-on custom made? For me?" I asked perplexingly. Tallis tilted her head, suddenly very interested in my conversation.

The reply was a sarcastic snort. "Of course. Didn't you get a look at it?"

"Um… No. I thought it was from my family, so I-"

"Did you open it in front of anyone?" She asked bluntly.

I sighed, simply saying "Aveline." My fellow rugby player covered her mouth, silencing her laughter.

"Balls. I wanted it to be a surprise, not a landmine." Isabela admitted cynically.

I cradled my face in my palms. "You knowingly surprised me with a sex toy? Why would you do that?" Haven't you figured out that I hate surprises?

I didn't really need an answer, but my girlfriend felt the need to supply one anyway. "You see, I had this dream two weeks ago; during that time of the month. You remember, don't you? Horrible dry spell we had. Ugh. Anyway, I had this dream-" She began, but I already knew where the story was going.

"You had a dream that I had a penis. So you bought me one." I guessed, my tone damn near robotic. Tallis returned to my backside, massaging the returning tension in my muscles.

"Well… Yes. Technically speaking. But I didn't just buy you one. That is a custom piece. I picked out the harness, material, color, length, venation, the whole package." She explained convincingly. It's not a car. Why does it come with so many options?

"And you expect me to… to use it." I assumed. I wasn't sure if I was more surprised or anxious at this point.

Of course, no one has ever gotten a straight answer out of the not-so-straight Rivaini. "It'd make a lousy mantle-piece." She grumbled jokingly.

My red-haired companion had to bite her lip to keep her laughter quiet. I, for one, was not in the mood. "Isabela," I insisted sternly.

"Yes, I thought you would use it. I think it'd be fun for the both of us." My girlfriend illuminated me, her tone sweet and thoughtful.

I buried my fingers in my hair. "Am I not fun anymore? In bed, I mean. Are you bored? Am I that bad?" I begged for clarification. I simply didn't understand why such a thing was warranted.

"What? No, you goose." She sounded shocked at my interpretation.

"Then why go out of your way to buy extra equipment? You knew I was a woman when we started sleeping together." I reminded her, feeling I deserved some resolution.

"Well, I certainly didn't expect you to take it as an insult, if that's what you're insinuating. I like you as you are, Hawke. I just- I'm just used to sex being a little more… intense. Don't get me wrong, you're good. You're damned good. But you've never… How do I say this? You're so polite. You've never been forceful with me. Not even when I provoke you. And the thought of you bending me over a table and taking me like an animal… Mmm. That's one of my favorite fantasies."

My girlfriend's tone regained its usual seductive nature and I began to sweat, my pulse quickening. "That's what this is about? You want me to be rough with you?"

"Dear God, yes." Tallis moaned into my other ear, her body suddenly pressed against my back. Apparently I wasn't the only one for whom the siren called. I waved my hand in front of her face, reminding her that I was on the phone. It was no use, her eyes were glazed over and her breath was hot against my neck. No power in the 'verse was going to get her to back down.

"It's not just that. Think of it as a… hands-free device. You can keep me occupied below the waist while I keep the rest of you occupied above the waist. I know how much you enjoy kissing my neck and playing with my hair." Isabela continued to elaborate.

She had me dead to rights. Worse, someone else was about half an inch from my jugular, making me shiver. "I… hadn't thought of it that way. I thought you-"

"Pined for a real phallus?" She interrupted. "What most people think is a great guy is only an average woman, Hawke. You not only come with your own erotic roadmap, but you're smart enough to ask for directions if you get lost." Can't fight her logic.

"I suppose that's true." I mumbled under my breath.

"So, you'll think about it?"

I ground my teeth in contemplation. My elfish friend waited about ten seconds before running her fingers through my short hair, obviously encouraging me to make a decision. "I… Yeah. I mean, it was a gift, after all." I replied halfheartedly.

"Good. I'm glad you're keeping an open mind. Well, since that's out of the way, do you want to know a little secret?" My girlfriend tempted me.

I'm exhausted. "Sure, baby. Nothing should be able to shock me now." I gave a weak chuckle.

"It came as a matching set."

I choked on my own tongue and my brain skidded to a stop. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart and a flabbergasted, "Ho. Ly. Shit." Tallis bit her lip almost to the point of blood and her grip on my shoulders grew painfully tight. An indescribable silence fell over the locker room and as I looked down, my hands were shaking.

"I-I'm gonna l-let you g-go." I mumbled unintelligibly.

Isabela only chortled and spoke alluringly over the line, "Sweet dreams, Cassandra."

"G-Goodnight."I replied automatically. I hung up, slowly lowering my arm until my phone was lying on the bench. Medically speaking, I was in shock. My eyes twitched, my body shook, my jaw hung open, and my gut felt like it'd been hit by a double-decker bus. "I think I need to p-puke." I admitted as I made a move to stand.

Tallis just stretched out on the bench, smoothing back her ponytail. Her cheeks were as red as her hair and her breathing was rapid. "Fuck that. I think I need a cigarette."

Author's Note:

This chapter just kind of fell from the sky and landed on my computer. I once found myself in a situation quite similar to this once. It was majorly awkward. But I can now look back and laugh. That's what I was aiming for here. Awkward and embarrassed laughter. Everything is funnier when it's not happening to you.

And yes, I brought Anders back in for some fluffy pussy moments. And yes, I can say that with a straight face. And no, I'm not sorry this chapter got so long.

As mentioned before, most of my bit characters are based off of the Origin stories from the first Dragon Age game: Kallian Tabris is the female city elf, Elissa Cousland is the female human noble, Natia Brosca is the female dwarf commoner, etc. But, after last chapter, I was given a request for an OC. Greenie is the brain-child of myself and FeniFiction.

So, yes, you can make requests. But only if you review and ask nicely. I can't promise a lot of cameos, but I do have a hard time saying no to a pretty face.

... Next chapter... Yeah. I already started working on it. Back to Isabela's POV for a while. I love F!Hawke, but when I hit the wine, it's hard not to be in a Rivaini state of mind... If you know what I mean. And if you're wondering about where the gift will come into play, yes and double yes. Why? Because It's about to be two dozen chapters and I only have one direct sex scene! What is the world coming to?!