A/N Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to review this story. You have no idea how much it is appreciated.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
from now on
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yule-tide gay
from now on
our troubles will be miles away

Here were are as in olden days
happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more

Through the years we all will be together
If the Fates allow
hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Snuggled down deep under the down comforter with the furnace that was Andy spooning her from behind, Sharon woke to sound of little feet in the hall, excited whispers and sleepy voices urging quiet. She smiled and stretched a little. Normally she would have cuddled back in against her man and fought for another hour of sleep, but it was Christmas morning and though it had dawned dark and cold, she felt a frisson of excitement run down her spine. When she lifted the blind on the window next their bed, the sun was beginning to rise over the Sound and she saw that they had received another few inches of snow overnight, the evergreens heavy with it. Winter Wonderland, indeed. Rolling back over she pressed her lips to Andy's shoulder. He stopped snoring but didn't awaken.

"Annn…dy" she drew out his name softly, continuing to press little kisses along his neck up to his jaw. "Andy," she said again, this time drawing her fingertip down from his forehead over his nose. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled when he saw her leaning over him. "Merry Christmas," she said, just before she kissed him.

He lifted a hand, brushing the tangle of her hair back off her face. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart," he mumbled, his voice raspy with sleep.

"I heard the boys, I think they'll be in here soon to get us up so they can unwrap their presents."

"You're the only present I want to unwrap."

"Yes, well…" She shivered as he slid a hand up under her pajama top, tickling the skin on her belly. "I think you might have to wait until tonight for that particular present."

"I don't like to wait."

She laughed and kissed the tip of his nose. He sounded just like an impatient little boy. "No kidding."

A soft knock on their door drew them apart. "Dad, Sharon, are you awake?"

"Barely. Come on in, Nic."

Nicole opened the door slightly, saw that they were indeed awake and allowed Ty and Scottie to run in and jump up on the bed.

"Santa came! Santa came!" the boys cried out while bouncing up and down.

"You were right," Tyler said to Sharon. "Santa did find us in Connecticut. Just like he used to find Ricky and Emily."

Scottie hopped off the bed. "Come on Papa Andy. " He grabbed Andy's hand attempting to pull him out of bed. Before Andy could move, Guinness came running into the room and jumped up on the bed, stomping all over them to get to their faces so he could cover them with wet, smelly dog kisses. Sharon squealed and pulled the covers up over her head.

"All right, all right, you little hooligans. We're getting up. Guinness down." The big Golden Retriever responded to the authority in Andy's voice and jumped off the bed. Andy then rose and lifted Tyler down before pulling the covers back off a giggling Sharon. "Coast is clear."

"My hero." She took the hand he offered and swung out of bed. "Who else is up?" She asked an amused Nicole.

"Everyone but your kids."

Andy looked at the boys with a mischievous smile. "You know what you gotta do."

They nodded and took off down the hall shouting Ricky, Rusty and Emily's names.

"You're as bad as they are," Nicole said.

"Hey, if I have to get up at the crack of dawn, so do they." Andy grabbed his robe and handed Sharon hers. Nicole left to follow the boys down the hall.

"Did you say you wanted a house full of those?" Andy raised a questioning brow. Sharon's grin broadened and she nodded.

"I did. You don't?"

Andy chuckled as he heard the groans and protests coming from the other bedrooms. "You know I do."

Sharon took his hand and squeezed it. She did know. The joy he took he took in spending time with family was one of the many things she loved about him.

"Mom, this one's for you. It's from Andy." Looking rather sweet and goofy, with a Santa's hat on his head, Ricky was seated on the floor among the pile of presents under the Christmas tree. Sharon took the large gift and smiled affectionately at him. When asked who wanted to play Santa, naturally Ricky had jumped at the chance. Like Andy, Ricky would always be a big kid at heart. There was a reason they got along so well.

Sharon tore methodically at the paper rather than just digging in. Inside was a large wicker picnic basket filled with all kinds of her favorite things. A bottle of her favorite Napa Valley Cabernet, a box of Harry and David Riviera pears, boxes of spiced and herbal teas, Godiva dark chocolates, her favorite daywear perfume, Jo Malone's pear and freesia and the sexy, seductive, Black Opium, her new favorite scent for romantic nights out on the town. For the bathroom he'd purchased the elegant little bars of imported French milled soaps she liked to put out in a fancy vintage bowl by the sink as well as hand cream, body lotion, bath salts, sugar scrub and soy candles all in her favorite ylang ylang, jasmine and vanilla scent from her friend Summer's essential oil boutique. Hidden in the bottom was a small box labeled "Victoria's Secret". Knowing Andy and his penchant for sexy nighties, she wasn't going to pull that one out to show the family. Nope, she would open that box tonight in the privacy of their bedroom. "Andy, this is too much," she protested.

"Says the woman who got me front row tickets to the Lakers/Warriors game next month."

"But you already gave us all this trip and my beautiful ring."

"That wasn't a Christmas gift, "he scoffed. "That's your engagement ring. Anyway, you did say when we were packing that you were getting a little low on perfume. And Summer helped me with all the body lotions and stuff."

"Well, I thank you. You did very well, with both this and my ring." She kissed his cheek and rested her head on his shoulder to watch Ricky continue handing out gifts, the boys squealing with delight each time they tore at the paper. "But you know, nothing could top this trip, all of us being here together."

Andy turned his face so he could rub his cheek against her hair. He did know how much this trip meant to her. She worried about her parents now that they were getting older and there was nothing she loved more than being surrounded by her family. One of the first things he'd noticed about Sharon, back when he still hadn't liked her very much, was how her whole being seemed to light up when she talked about her kids. Back then, she had been planning to join them and her parents in Park City for Christmas and skiing. In some ways that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Now that he'd been through the family photo albums, he understood that on a deeper level. Intellectually he knew that Jack hadn't been a part of Sharon's life for a very long time. While they were non-dating and then dating they'd had many conversations about the problems in their first marriages, but it had still been surprising to see how little of Jack he'd found in those albums. When Colleen had first brought out the pictures he had been prepared to see a lot of Sharon with Jack and their children. Yes, there had been some of those, but not nearly has many as he'd thought. Ricky was barely out of diapers when Jack just seemed to disappear. He figured there was probably a wedding album somewhere that Colleen had tactfully not brought out for him to look through, but it had been eye opening for him to see how quickly Jack had no longer been a part of the family and just how young Sharon and his kids had been when he left.

Both he and Sharon had been without partners for a very long time and both had felt something missing in their lives, so being together like this, with their entire family coming together was something that brought them both a sense of joy and contentment. And it was something he wanted to make sure they were never without again.

"You know," he said speaking softly, though with the Christmas music playing and the raucous excitement of the boys he doubted anyone could hear him. "By this time next year we should be married."

"God willing," Sharon interjected.

"Yes, God willing. And hopefully by then we'll have a new house with a lot more room. If we do, maybe we can have everyone over to our new house for Christmas. Fly your parents out, Christine and Ed and your nieces. Maybe put on a whole "Feast of Seven Fishes" for Christmas Eve. What do you think?"

Sharon's heart constricted at the eager look in his eyes. She ached to think about all the lonely years he'd spent longing to have a family to share his life with again. "Andy, I think that's a lovely idea. Provided we find a house of course. There is no way we could have everyone in the condo."

"I have a good feeling, Sharon. Everything is falling into place for us. We'll find our dream house."

"Whew, finally got the boys settled. We let them open one of their lego boxes. Is there anything I can do help?"

"It's all good." Sharon gave a quick glance up when Nicole entered the kitchen. She was bent over with her head in the oven checking on the turkey. Her mother was next to her rearranging things in the refrigerator. "The turkey is cooking and we have a lot of leftovers from last night that we can just heat up. We'll add a couple more vegetables and some stuffing, but we won't need to do any of that until we're almost ready to eat."

"We're an enlightened bunch of feminists, aren't we?" Nicole's lips twisted wryly. "All the women in the kitchen."

Sharon arranged the tinfoil back over the turkey and shut the oven door. "By choice," she reminded her, then poured herself another cup of coffee and joined the young woman at the table.

"Yes. And let's remember, your father cooked breakfast." Colleen said. "And it was delicious."

"It was, "Nicole agreed. "Dad is a really good cook. Much better than my mother-though I can't say that too loud around her."

"You don't have to worry about that with me," Sharon assured her. "I freely admit that Andy is a far better cook than I am."

That was one of the things that Nicole found so refreshing about Sharon. The woman was so confident in who she was that she didn't have any problem admitting that she might not be good at something. Her mother was the polar opposite. Sandra was insecure and defensive and did not handle criticism well.

"After my parents divorced, I didn't get to see dad as much as I would have liked, my mother did not like sharing. But when I did go over to his place for the weekend, instead of bringing me out for pizza or burgers like my other friends who spent the weekends with their dads, he'd make me these big elaborate suppers and huge breakfasts." She could still remember the eager look on his face when he placed a meal before her and his big smile when she'd tell him something was delicious. He'd always been so anxious to please her.

"It's the Italian in him," Sharon said. "Your father equates food with love. The more he loves you, the more he wants to feed you." Her face flushed at the memory of Andy wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms riding low on his hips while he cooked her a delectable big breakfast the morning after they'd first made love. Ravenous after their night of lovemaking, she had devoured not only his Sicilian French toast and bacon but also the croissants he'd heated that were dripping with black raspberry jam. Ahh, those good old days before the heart healthy diet.

"Sharon? You're a million miles away. What are you thinking?" Nicole was intrigued by the flush on Sharon's cheeks.

"Nothing," Sharon demurred.

"Sharon…"

"It's nothing really. I was just thinking that your father likes to cook for me too."

"Because he loves you." Nicole nodded and took Sharon's hand to examine the diamond ring on her finger. "It's a really pretty ring."

"It is," Sharon agreed. It was simple and elegant and she loved all the tiny sparkling diamonds. "Why don't you grab yourself another cup of coffee and put your feet up. I just brewed a fresh pot."

"Oh, that sounds like heaven." Nicole quickly moved to pour herself cup. "Nothing like having little kids to wake you up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning."

"No, there isn't. I've missed that." Sharon ignored Nicole's sarcasm and instead took her words at face value. "It's nice having the excitement of young children around at Christmas. I look forward to the day when Andy and I are surrounded by lots of grandkids."

"Well, there may be more sooner than you think."

"Nicole! " Sharon nearly choked on her coffee. "Are you-?"

"No, no, no…Not yet. Dean and I have just started talking about the possibility of expanding our family. We've been married two and a half years now, the boys are doing well, things are good at work and, well, I think I'm ready."

"That's so exciting. Oh my God, your dad will be over the moon." Sharon glanced through the archway into the living room where Andy was stretched out on the floor building lego towers with the boys. William, Emily and Rusty were playing Chinese checkers and Ricky and Dean were watching "Christmas Vacation".

"Look at mine." She heard Andy say when the boys started fighting over who had the better tower. "It looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa."

"What's the Leaning Tower of Pizza?" Tyler asked.

Andy chuckled. "Not Pizza kiddo, Pisa. Hey, never mind these towers, look at this. "He showed them a page from the instruction book. "We can build a police cruiser, that's pretty cool. What do you think?"

"Way cooler than a tower, "both boys agreed. All three quickly began ripping apart their towers to start from scratch.

Sharon smiled into her coffee mug. Andy was a big kid himself. Nicole's eyes followed Sharon's and her face went soft with affection.

"He really does love the boys-and they love him."

"We both do."

There was a look in Nicole's eyes that had Sharon concerned. "Is something worrying you? "

Nicole set her mug down and turned back toward the woman who would soon be her stepmother. From the first moment they'd met at the wedding, when Sharon's warmth and graciousness had put everyone at ease in what could have been a very tense situation, she'd felt comfortable with her. There was something genuine about her that made her very easy to talk with. "I don't know. Maybe, a little. Like I said, I think I'm ready, but how do you really know when you're ready?"

"Oh honey, I don't know if anyone ever really knows. I know I wasn't ready for either of my babies. "

That gave Nicole a pause. Her father's girlfriend was the most put together woman she knew. She seemed to be able to handle anything with grace and dignity. It was hard to believe that the unflappable Sharon hadn't been completely prepared to have a child, but it made her feel better to know that. "Really? But you're such a good mom."

"Well, thank you for that, but it's all trial and error, I assure you. No woman is born knowing everything there is to be a mom. Isn't that what you told me when I was pregnant with Em?" Sharon turned to Colleen as the older woman joined them at the kitchen table.

"It is exactly what I said."

"I'm afraid the boys might be jealous."

"Oh, they will be jealous. They are always jealous. When I was pregnant with Ricky and found out I was carrying a boy, Emily told me she did not want a brother. And right after he was born, I was nursing him and she climbed up on the arm of the chair, looked down at him with disgust, and asked me when we were sending him back."

Nicole laughed. "I'm assuming she came around. They seem to get along well now."

"She did, although they had their moments, as all siblings do."

"But they were okay with you adopting Rusty?"

"Not completely. They had some reservations, especially Ricky." Sharon's eyes clouded over when she remembered the fight she'd had with her son over his condescension and lack of compassion when discussing Rusty's adoption.

"He didn't want you to adopt Rusty? That's surprising; they seem so buddy- buddy."

"They are…now. Ricky had some, let's just call them misconceptions, about Rusty and the reason I was adopting him. Most of it was exacerbated by my ex-husband who also didn't want me adopting Rusty, but that's another story altogether. I think it really came down to jealously, as it usually does with siblings. Ricky was my baby, my only son and I think he felt that because I was adopting another boy he was somehow failing me as a son. This of course couldn't have been further from the truth."

"Siblings are siblings no matter what their age, "Colleen said. "He was afraid Rusty was taking his place and that he was going to steal your love."

"That's it exactly." And despite how annoyed she'd been by Ricky's attitude, she did know that in his own misguided way, he'd been trying to protect her. With Jack having been absent for almost all of his life, he had grown up as the only male in a house of women and he'd sometimes taken his 'man of the house' role a little too far. "But underneath the things he said I knew that it wasn't Ricky talking. That it wasn't the boy I raised. It was his father manipulating him and playing on his fears, which is the one thing Jack is really, really good at. By the end of his visit I'd set him straight and now the three of them get along great. Once they started teasing Rusty and including him in their sibling rivalry, I knew it would all be okay.

"It's nice that they were able to come around. Seeing them all now, you'd never know there were any issues. I don't know. I guess I just want to make sure it's the perfect time."

"If you wait for the perfect time to have a child it will never come. It's a huge commitment, a life changing responsibility. But you know that. You're wonderful with the boys and that can't have been easy."

"It wasn't. It isn't. I mean Scottie's easy, he doesn't even remember his mother, but Ty has some vague memories. He was only three when she died."

"Three years old." Colleen shook her head sadly.

"Scottie was barely a year old."

"Such a shame. It's hard enough to hear about someone dying of breast cancer, but for a woman to die in her twenties with two little babies at home. It just breaks your heart."

"I know. It does. They were such a sad little family. When I first starting dating Dean it felt like I was competing with a ghost and that I could never live up to Stacy's memory. It took me some time to understand that it isn't a competition. Dean loved Stacy and now he loves me."

"I think there is always a natural feeling of competition or at least curiosity when a partner has been married before, regardless of how the marriage ended," Sharon said.

"Oh, Sharon, if you've ever worried about competing with my mother-don't. I can tell you, my father never looked at my mother or any woman the way he looks at you. And I've never seen him this happy. It's as if he has a whole new lease on life. You've made such a difference for him…and for all of us. The Sharon effect, you know."

Sharon grinned. The last time she'd heard that term she was trying to convince Nicole that she and Andy were only very good friends. "He's made a big difference for me too. Did you know that it was your wedding that got the whole ball rolling between us?"

"Dad did mention something about that. And to think, he almost didn't come." Nicole gave her a smirk very reminiscent of her father.

"Yes, well, I'm certainly glad that he did. "

"Me too. It was partially my fault, you know. I hadn't planned on Larry walking me down the aisle along with dad. It never crossed my mind. My mother was the one who brought that up. It kind of made sense, dad was dad of course, but I was only 11 when mom married Larry. He helped raise me and he doesn't have any children of his own. He was good to me. It felt right to honor him too. But I knew dad was going to flip about it, so I didn't tell him until the last minute. It wasn't fair to spring it on him like that. Dad tends to over react, he has a temper and he can carry a grudge. Thank you for helping to get him past all that.

"It's all water under the bridge now. Your dad had come to terms with your decision and he was going to your wedding whether I went or not. I just helped to smooth out the edges."

"You sure did that." Her mother and her mother's family were all hard on her father and she knew the wedding was not going to be easy for him. They still thought of him as the man he was 25 years earlier, not the man he had become once he'd gotten sober. Not the man who was sorry for his past behavior. Not the man who was doing everything he could to rectify the mistakes he'd made, including going to family therapy with her to fix the wounds they each had from her childhood.

Her father might be a hot head, as Sandra liked to remind everyone, but while she loved her mother, Nicole was not blind to the fact that she was not an easy person to live with. In fact, if her father hadn't been such a mess for the few years after the divorce she would have much rather lived with him than her mother. And, even though her dad was pretty much paying for the entire wedding, her mother was simply unwilling to give him the benefit of any doubt. Everyone was convinced that he would show up at the wedding with one of the latest in his parade of Candi's, Tammi's Bambi's and Cindi's. Curvy blonds with big boobs in dresses that would be too tight and too short. None of them had been prepared for him to walk into the church with the leggy, elegant, auburn haired beauty who turned out to be Sharon Raydor. Sharon had been warm, friendly, and utterly unflappable, easily deflecting the barbs flung by her mother and the rest of the family while playing up her father's attributes. She had thoroughly charmed every member of the Estevez family and Andy's estimation in their eyes had gone up tremendously thanks to the new kind of company he was keeping.

"I liked you, right from the start. You were so different from the other women my dad dated. Not that I ever really met any of them. They were in and out of his life much too fast."

"So I've heard." Sharon had seen a few members of what Brenda Leigh Johnson once referred to as Andy Flynn's "Bimbo brigade".

"And now you're going to be my stepmother. I couldn't be happier about that."

"Me too." Sharon covered Nicole's hand with her own. It was funny, but even though they'd only spent a little bit of time together at the wedding, she'd felt a bond with the young woman that had only grown the more she got to know her. "Now my family will be even again, two boys, two girls."

"You did always say you wanted four kids," Colleen reminded her. "I guess God just had a different way of giving them to you."

"Hmmm." Sharon hummed. She hadn't thought about it that way, in fact she'd put that disappointment away a long time ago. It was true. She would love to have had more children, but ultimately not with Jack Raydor and there had just not been anyone else who'd found their way into her heart…until Andy.

Early on, as a young woman, when she still viewed the world through rose-colored glasses, when Jack was the man she'd thought she would spend the rest of her life with, she'd prayed for the big happy family of her girlish dreams. She'd had it all planned out. Four children, ideally two girls and two boys, but she wouldn't quibble on those details.

Later, when Jack was long gone and she was a lonely, harried, young single mother trying to raise two children and build a career in a high-pressured male dominated profession, those prayers had changed. Instead of more children, what she'd really wanted was to find a man with whom she could share her life. A man who would truly love her. A man she could laugh with and depend on. A man with whom she could share her burdens and build a life. Because the truth was, going through the hard times without the love and support of a partner had sometimes felt overwhelming, especially when it involved her children. Ricky's surgery to remove pressure on his brain after he'd fallen out of a tree and Emily's life threatening burst appendix had been terrifying events that she'd had to get through without their father because Jack had been nowhere to be found. Thank God, she had wonderful friends and hadn't been completely alone, but it wasn't quite the same as having someone by your side each day to support you and help you through the hard times. Someone to share both the joy and the sorrows of life's journey.

And then she'd stopped that prayer as well. Not because she didn't want a partner anymore, but because she no longer needed one. She didn't need a man to depend on; she could stand on her own two feet thank you very much. Yes, there were times when she was lonely but she had been able to build a full rich life. But, as so often happened, just as she'd gotten to a place in her life where she'd come to accept that maybe she was just one of those people not meant to find their soul mate, God had brought her up close and personal with a strong, sexy, sweet man with a cocky attitude, silver tipped hair, chocolate brown eyes and a wickedly cheeky smile. Andy Flynn.

In the beginning, she'd questioned why it had taken so long for her prayers to be answered. She didn't wear her Catholicism on her sleeve, had always felt that her religious beliefs were her own, personal and private, but her faith was strong and her relationship with her God valued very deeply. She had been taught to believe that He did things for a reason even if you didn't understand that that reason at the time, so she had finally concluded that maybe He had wanted to show her all that she was capable of on her own. To allow her to become the strong, confident, independent woman she was before giving her a man who loved her in a way that took her breath away. A man she could laugh with and depend on, a man with whom she could share her burdens and build a life. And along with that man, He grabbed that other prayer young Sharon had prayed so many years ago and brought Rusty and Nicole into her life. Four children and her soul mate. It wasn't exactly the way she had once envisioned her life, but she couldn't imagine being any happier than she was right now.

Picking up the potholders sitting on the table in front of her, Sharon rose. Nicole watched her open the oven door and lift the tinfoil over the large pan. The room immediately filled with the scent of roasting turkey as she began basting the browning bird.

With Sharon's back to her, Nicole cleared her throat her nervously and asked the question she felt only Sharon would be able to answer. "You have an adopted child and biological children. Do you think…If I have my own child…Will I feel differently about that child than I do for Ty and Scottie? I mean I love them so much I can't imagine I would love my biological child more, but I don't know. Will it be different? "

Sharon shut the oven door and set the potholders down. "I can only speak from my own experience. When I was pregnant with Emily I was so scared to be completely responsible for that little human life, so afraid I wasn't going to know how to be her mother." She turned to her own mother taking her hand. "Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you how I was ever going to know what she needed?"

"Of course. A mother knows."

Sharon nodded. "A mother knows. I thought it was just a cliché, something she was saying to make me feel better. I probably even rolled my eyes. But she was right. It took no time at all for me to be able to differentiate between the cries of 'I'm hungry, I'm wet, I'm tired, I'm overtired, my tummy hurts and I want to be held'. Right after Emily's birth, they placed that brand new baby on my belly and she looked up at me and…Oh my God. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. My heart filled with a love so strong, so powerful, I felt like my chest would explode. Later when I got pregnant with Ricky, I wondered how on earth I could feel that much love for another child. But when he was born, it was the same experience all over again. I was just as besotted over him as I had been for his sister. Now Rusty…Let's just say I was not besotted by him in the beginning."

Colleen and Nicole laughed. They both knew what a difficult transition it had been for Rusty and of course for Sharon.

"But my heart did go out to him and I wanted very badly to help him. The thing is, I had years and years to get to know Emily and Ricky. I nursed them at my breast, I changed their diapers, and I taught them how to eat, how to use the potty and how to get dressed. I knew their favorite colors, their favorite books, their favorite foods. I knew how to push and how to avoid their buttons because I'd sewed them on."

Colleen nodded. "It was the same with Sharon and Christine. I'm far more emotional than my husband is and when I would yell at Sharon it barely registered while Christine would burst into tears. But when William sat Sharon down and calmly told her he was disappointed in something she'd done, she'd come out of that study with big tears rolling down her cheeks, while Christine would skip out thinking she hadn't gotten in trouble at all."

Sharon could still remember being summoned to the study and the awful sense of guilt she'd felt at disappointing her father. "Well, that personality trait has served me pretty well in my profession," she said. "If I burst into tears every time someone yelled at me, I wouldn't last very long interviewing suspects." She shuddered to think of her mother hearing some of the names she'd been called in the interview room. One guy had called her a fucking cunt and had nearly gotten Andy's fist down his throat, but she had barely blinked. It wasn't the first time someone had called her that ugly name. Thankfully, Andy had not been present the time a muscled, tattooed gang banger had grabbed his crotch with a big grin telling her "suck my cock bitch and I'll tell you what you want to know". Andy definitely would have ended up in PSB for excessive force over that one. "Anyway, I had to learn all that with Rusty on a far different level and in a much shorter time than I had with Emily and Ricky. That created some tension between us. Someone else had sewed his buttons on and I had to be careful trying not to press them. He was so different from what I knew with my other two kids."

"How so?"

"Oh my goodness, in so many ways. All my children had ever known was love and physical affection and except for a father who came in and out of their lives, stability and boundaries. They'd always had a roof over their heads and a warm bed to sleep in. They never had to worry about where their next meal might come from, or if they'd even get a meal that day. They never had to worry about whether I was going to come home at the end of the day or if each time I shot a needle into my arm, it might be the last. They never knew the terror of having a mother so doped up she didn't even recognize them. They never had to worry about me bringing strange men home, men who would bring anger, violence, and abuse into their lives. They never had to take care of me; I always took care of them. They never had to worry about changing schools over and over again, if they even got to go to school. They attended St. Joseph's since kindergarten and have lifelong friends because of that. Rusty did have to deal with all of that and more. He built walls because there was no point in getting close to people when you were just going to move on. And there was no point in making friends when you were trying to hide the horror of your home life. My kids never had to try to survive on their own when they were just children. They were innocent and sheltered and I thank God for that. Rusty was not and that is pain I feel every single day of my life.

"Oh, God, Sharon. I had no idea it was that bad. That had to be so hard for you. For him. I guess I was lucky that Ty and Scottie were so little when they came into my life and they didn't have those kinds of scars."

"Mmm…It was definitely a learning curve for me. Children are unique and you have to mother them in different ways, but I had to learn to mother Rusty in ways that were so different from what I knew. "

"How so?"

"Well, to start with, I was used to hugging and touching my kids, but I had to be careful of that with Rusty. In the beginning, I can't tell you how many times I would reach out to touch him and have to pull my hand back. Now we don't think anything of it, but it took time. I also had to be careful how I spoke to him. So many times, it felt like I was walking on eggshells. My own kids would have known that no matter how angry I got with them, I always loved them. Rusty had to learn that. I wanted so much for him to have the same kinds of experiences that Emily and Ricky had. Back when they were younger, I always had a houseful of kids, sleepovers and slumber parties and pizza parties to celebrate winning games or dance recitals. Giggling girls trying on make up, leaving nail polish and cotton balls all over the bathroom. Roughhousing boys shooting hoops in the driveway and taking over the TV to play video games, leaving their sweaty sneakers on the floor to stink up my living room. But as annoyed as I would get at times with their messes I loved having them around. My kids constantly asked me to have friends over or begged me to allow them to have a party, but Rusty never asked. He doesn't make friends easily and he always seemed so alone. It broke my heart."

"That's so sad." Nicole knew Rusty had had it rough. Her dad often talked about the boy and what a saint Sharon was for dealing with him. She just hadn't realized quite how bad it had been.

"It was sad. I told him time and time again that I was okay with him bringing friends home. I wanted to make sure he knew that the condo was his home too. But he didn't have any friends and I think my asking him about it sometimes rubbed salt in that wound. It made him defensive. It was hard to know what to say to him, when to push him and when to step back." Oh, thinking back, those early years with Rusty had been so difficult. He'd been so guarded, so prickly, so defensive, and, yes, so fucking obnoxious, but now two years after his adoption it felt as if he'd always been her son. "I think the only time I really pushed it with him was for his graduation. I'd thrown huge parties for Emily and Ricky's graduations, both high school and college, but Rusty wanted none of that. He said he didn't know or care about any of the kids he went to school with. But I couldn't let such an important day go by without acknowledging it in some way."

"You had the squad come over didn't you?"

"Yes. I had to show him that he DID have friends. They might not be traditional friends for a teenager, but he does have many people who care about him. Anyway, through all that, I have come to know Rusty now as surely as if I had given birth to him. I know all his buttons and I know what makes him tick and the day that I adopted him I felt the same swelling in my heart that I did the first time I held my babies. He is my child and I love him with the same depth of love that I have for Emily and for Ricky. I would die for all three of them and I hope they all know that. "

Blinking back tears, Rusty entered the kitchen to put his plate in the sink, his eyes glued to the floor. But as he turned to head back to the living room he paused by Sharon's chair bending down to press a quick kiss to the top of her head. "They do, Mom," he said before quickly leaving the room.

"You see," Sharon smiled tenderly at his retreating form. "There was a time he never would have done that. If you and Dean choose to have a child there will be a period of adjustment for the boys but I feel like I can tell you with certainty that it won't change the love that you have for them. Adopted or biological, your child is your child. The only thing that love has to do with blood is that it is pumped out through the heart."

TBC