I am not a sloppy writer. Every English teacher I've ever had has expressed as much. Perhaps this comes from having an English teacher as a father, perhaps I just inherited his genes for English, probably a mix of all of it to be honest. Point being: I have not given any clues to Jacques that I haven't wanted to give.

Bluegreen118 is my biggest hint. I remember crafting the email. I considered several different email usernames to share with him. Some were carefully crafted to send him in any direction but mine, but none of them were lies. They included references to football (my meaning of course being non-American football, but I wouldn't expect Jacques to guess that), references to books studied in other English classes (rosebyanothername, sonofaetreus, and jimcaseyrevivaltour were my favorites- all from books or plays that I've read and loved, but none of them from books that I've read in school). And yet I picked Bluegreen118- Bram Louis Greenfeld, my birthday

So why be so obvious? I'll be honest and say that there are days when I do regret how obvious I was. What if he finds out who I am and doesn't like me? What if he finds out who I am and I don't like him? I'm an amiable guy, but this is high school. No one is completely without frenemies or outright rivals. Somehow, the more I talk with Jacques the less I am worried about us not liking each other in real life and, consequently, the happier I am that I gave him a big clue as to my identity. I probably do want him to figure out who I am eventually, but my hints are rare and subtle.

I recently tried to send him a clue that Green refers to my actual last name when I created the fake name: Blue Grennington Esq. III. Honestly, while I was typing that email, I wrote Greenfeld for a while, sat with it, and looked at it for a solid half-hour before changing it to Greenington, before changing it yet again to Grennington.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much of a coward for my own good. If I were to have the will power to force myself to be more outgoing… what would people think of me? But then there's still so much to lose. I have a good group of friends and I have so much to be thankful for in my day to day life. Would coming out change all of that? In my heart of hearts, I want to think that Garrett and Nick would be cool with it, but I can't know for sure. Jocks are not famous for being LGBT+ friendly and I can't stand the thought of losing them.

And then there's my mom. She's Episcopalian, and fairly devout- not to the extent of never missing a Sunday- rain or shine or sickness or health kind of devout, but close. Our church is far from waving a rainbow flag next to the door of the sanctuary, but they're liberal enough. I think they might have had a gay funeral back in the 90's, but that's about the extent of this church's acceptance of gay people. We'll send you off to God when you die, but maybe don't feel like you need to stop by more than at Easter or Christmas. At least that's the impression I get, and I'm not eager to be proven right or wrong.

That's why I'm so grateful to have Jacques and why I'm so afraid to lose him. I have taken mental notes as to the traits of a Jacques email for a later date. I desperately want to know who he is and yet, I can't seem to bring myself to find out. I think I have enough information to do it though when I want to. Not today.

Lunch today is the annual attempt by Simon to convince Nick to audition for the school musical. It goes predictably poorly for Simon:

"No, I'm not going to do it Simon, don't even ask" Nick says, sitting down at the table. Simon had only just looked up eagerly when Nick shot him down.

"Oh, come on. You have one of the best voices in the school- you'll get a lead roll for sure"

"I don't want any part in the musical, how would being a bigger roll help the situation at all?"

"But the musical is always so much fun. Give it a try."

All Nick can manage as a reply is an eye roll, but it seems that Simon might have an ace up his sleeve.

"Oh, the musical? That's going to be so much fun. I hope I get in" Abby says sitting down in the vacant seat between me and Simon.

"Tell Nick that he has to audition. He's so talented, right Abby" Simon says, practically begging for an ally.

At the same time, Leah and Abby have an answer for Simon.

Leah: "He's not going to be convinced, stop trying"

Abby: "Oh, you have to. it would be so much fun to know a few more people in the cast"

Leah casts her signature death glare at a blissfully unaware Abby.

"The answer is still no, sorry Abby. Simon- after this many years, I'm no longer sorry to tell you no" Nick says with a smirk at his own joke.

Undaunted by this information, Abby and Simon launch into a conversation about what song they plan to bring and which characters they want to be considered for. It's a little over my head. I'm convinced that each and every hobby has a vernacular- a common language shared among everyone who participates in it. I just don't have enough knowledge of the theater to particularly care what stage left is and why it's different from house left. Except, ok, that one's pretty obvious. The most I know about the theater is from reading plays.

I leave the lunch table early and head to my locker where I'm approached by Nick, who has run ahead to catch up with me.

"Hey, Bram, could I ask a favor?"

"Sure" I may not be as shy around Nick as I am around most other people, but I'm still a little cautious around him.

"Could we switch spots at the lunch table. I know they're hardly assigned, but you usually sit where you sit and by the time I come…"

"Ok, that's fine. I'll sit in your spot tomorrow, or rather my new spot"

It's clear that Nick was nervous about something, and it doesn't take much thought to figure it out: Abby. Much like the rest of the straight male population of Creekwood High School, Nick clearly has an interest in Abby. It's actually kind of cute how nervous he is, and what a shame it is when cute guys are straight. I wonder why he didn't ask Simon. Maybe because Simon is the person who introduced Abby to the group? Who knows what's going on in that mind of his. The only down side is that I already hardly talk, but there's something about Simon in particular that makes me especially tongue tied. I don't know if I've said 20 words to him all year. Awkwardness is almost guaranteed.