This chapter is for FrenChi, I hope I got that right, you were my very first reviewer and therefore the very first person in the world other than my closest friends to give me an opinion on my work and that to me is very special. so this one is for you.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing and as soon as I learn how to and what to say, i'll reply to your reviews. promise.

I don't own lost girl.

When you took her age into consideration, or even if you didn't; Tamsin Sarksten had been through a whole lot.

Her mom had married a useless son of a bitch who thought Tamsin and her mother were punching bags. The very same mother thought insulting Tamsin was some sort of sport and once, and this isn't an exaggeration, she had battled a bear. Maybe not an actual bear but the boy she´d fought with had been so huge he might as well have been one. Point is, Tamsin was a survivor. She had survived a whole lot of shit and she was definitely going to survive a whole lot more.

Just as long as none of what she had to survive included Lauren Lewis shutting her out.

"I can't."

That was all the content of the text she'd sent to Lauren on Saturday night.

Had it been a cowardly move? Yes.

Did it completely kill her to send it? Definitely.

Had she drowned her blood in all the alcohol she had in the house while ignoring Lauren's calls and texts? Yes. Yes. Yes.

But it had been necessary. Bo considered her her best friend and in her own terribly annoying way, the brunette had made herself a tiny home in Tamsin's heart. She couldn't hurt her, not any more than she already had. The brunette might be annoying but she was still Tamsin's friend and Tamsin might not have liked it, but the girl had made a tiny home for herself in Tamsin's heart. She didn't want to hurt her, not any more than she already had. Those were the facts.

Facts that she desperately wished she could curse to hell as she sat in Lauren's kitchen pretending to be doing some stupid sum while stealing glances at Lauren.

Lauren who had looked at her with mild surprise and incredible amounts of hurt when she'd opened the door.

Lauren who hadn't smiled at her, not once since she'd walked into this house.

Lauren who was clearly shutting her out.

…...

''I um…I have something to show you.'' She said nervously, reaching into her bag.

It was Wednesday and Lauren was still acting like Tamsin was just someone she was tutoring. Like they didn't share inside jokes and Sunday movie nights and it was scaring the shit out of Tamsin.

She had seen what being shut out by Lauren Lewis was like. She had listened to Bo whine, bitch and cry over Lauren and she would be damned before she just sat and watched that happen to her.

"You do?" She said politely nit even sounding remotely excited.

Tamsin's hopes shot down like a dying radio.

''Yeah,'' she forged on, ''here.'' She stretched out the paper, feeling an odd mixture of nervousness and excitement. A paper that she'd worked harder on than she'd ever worked on a paper in her life. She had spent time that she was supposed to be sleepin studying instead. She had taken her time while doing it, trying to recall what Lauren and the teacher had taught her. She had gotten a freaking A! That had to count for something, right?

Apparently, something was a twitch of the lips.

''This is great Tamsin, I'm really proud of you.'' Said in a polite voice that you just didn't use with friends.

Tamsin sighed inwardly. She'd just have to try harder.

…...

The idea came to her as she was shopping with Bo Saturday afternoon.

The brunette was confusing Tamsin's head in a way that wasn't appreciated. She had just walked in to Tamsin's apartment in that never knocking way of hers and sat on Tamsin's neatly spread bed.

"I don't wanna talk about it. I know I over reacted and it was just dinner but, I love her Tamsin. And the thought of her being with anyone else, especially now that I'm trying so hard to get my shit together so there can be an us, it scares me. But you're my best friend and…I trust you so…yeah.''

Then she had shrugged and that was it. She was back to being annoying and never knocking and making Tamsin leave the house when all she wanted to do was drown herself in alcohol and think of ways to get back on Lauren's good side.

''Remind me why we're here again?" She asked glaring at the green haired boy who had been looking at her rather oddly since they walked in to the movie store.

"To get an action film for Dyson. He needs it for a boy's night in. What do you think about Bruce Willis?''

"I don't." She said bluntly.

Bo rolled her eyes, "find, stay there and be unhelpful, I'm going to go loo around." Then she had swung her hips and walked away.

Tamsin was still glaring at the boy when her eyes landed on a poster and she had a light bulb moment.

Lauren will love that.

…

She hadn't been sure what to do. Things were so tense between them and Lauren was acting like she was just starting to see Tamsin now. She thought of not going at all. But then she thought of what was in the overnight bag that she had packed. And how Lauren's eyes will light up when she saw it. She thought of a bed full of snacks that they weren't going to finish and a peaceful breakfast full of shy smiles and science speak that she couldn't understand a word of but was happy to listen to all the same.

She thought of all of this and she couldn't not go, no matter how nervous she was feeling.

"I got you something." She after they'd settled into bed.

Lauren just looked at her, her brown eyes soft and eternally curious, her hair glowing and her skin looking so babyishly soft.

"Here."

She watched for a reaction. A smile, maybe a hug. Hope, she lived on it.

"Where did you get it?" her voice sounded happy. Tamsin smiled.

"The movie store." She felt proud.

That brilliant smile on Lauren's face, she had put it there.

"Thank you so much Tamsin. Do you mind if we watch this tonight?"

"Nope. I like Star Trek."

"Okay and its Star Trek Original." Lauren said in that adorably excited way of hers.

Tamsin couldn't stop smiling. Things were looking up for her.

…..

Dyson, Tamsin had come to a conclusion, had a complex. She didn't what it was yet, but he had one and she hated it.

"But don't you miss it?" He was trying her patience. He really was.

She had been in a good mood all day. Lauren had made her pancakes in the morning like she did every Sunday morning and for some reason she had put smiley faces on them today.

Smiley faces.

God, no one had ever done that for her. Not even her mother, between drinking herself to oblivion and taking beatings from her stupid husband or watching as her daughter took them in her stead, Danielle Sarksten really didn't have time to make something as silly as pancakes let alone put smiley faces on them.

It surprised Tamsin how happy that tiny little thing made her. And how much she actually wanted someone to care enough for her to do something like that.

That happiness was the only thing preventing her from beating the fuck out of Dyson.

Honestly, who asks people about their sex life while they were eating? Really. They weren't even friends. He was just the guy who hanged around Bo acting like some half boy half way too loyal dog and Tamsin was forced to hang out with him by extension.

"That's really none of your business." She was trying to be polite.

"Come on ,we're all friends here. Right baby?" he put his arms around Bo.

"Yeah, Tam. We're all friends."

That's when it dawned on Tamsin that maybe, just maybe, Bo wasn't as okay with everything as she'd want Tamsin to believe.

And honestly, she didn't know how to feel about that.

…...

"So since we always solve the brackets first, regardless of…"

"Are we okay?"

She had to ask. It had been two days since her lunch with Bo and she just, she was asking herself questions.

Bo had said that things were okay between them, she had acted like they were, but now that Tamsin looked closely, they really weren't. Bo was still harboring some hurt and Tamsin felt some sort of guilt at that and also something else. Like she was being lied to, being tested.

She didn't like it. And she was sure she would like it a lot less if Lauren wa doing that too.

She needed to know.

"Sorry?"

"I know you're acting okay and all but I-"

"Acting? I'm acting?"

Maybe that wasn't the right word to use.

"No. That's not what I mean I just…are we okay? I know I was a jerk and all but I need to know that we're really okay."

Lauren sighed, Tamsin tensed.

" Yes, we are admit that I was hurt when you canceled on me and didn't even explain why. You still haven't told me why by the way."

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?"

Tamsin could practically see Lauren's walls building back up. Had she been thinking straight, it would have worried her just how panicked that made her.

"Lauren," she could tell her, it would lift a huge weight off her shoulders if she just said "I like you."

"You-" had she said that out loud? "You like me?" oh fuck.

It was out there. She hadn't admitted it even to herself but now it was out there, Lauren knew.

"Yeah. " She wasn't good at this, she wasn't good at this at all.

Also, the silence was driving her nuts.

"Say something," please please say something.

Lauren didn't say anything, she did do something though, she kissed her.

…

She was kissing Lauren Lewis.

No,no; Lauren Lewis was kissing her.

And it was amazing. So so amazing.

It felt like floating, floating in everything Lauren. Her scent, her softness her lips the way she placed her soft hands on Tamsin's cheeks. It was floating and trusting that –lauren wouldn't let her sink.

Trust.

You're my best friend…and I trust you."

She couldn't do this. She wasn't supposed to be doing this.

She pulled back, too a breath and looked into Lauren's confused and aroused eyes. Taking a moment to just look into them incase she never got another chance.

"Tamsin what-"

"I can't do this."