This is the longest and hardest chapter I've ever done for this story. I rewrote it about a million times because I was looking for a specific feeling. I don't know if I got it. Guess you'll let me know.
I loved reading the reviews for the last chapter. I Love it that you guys tell me exactly what you think. Also you made my head really big so, thanks.
P.s, I will get to Bo's dad, no he isn't a rolling stone. And for the doccubus shippers, Bo still needs to hear and say and do a lot of things before doccubus can happen.
Happy new year although it's almost end of Jan and still, I don't own lost girl
The first time Danielle Sarksten slapped her daughter, Tamsin had been six. She can't really remember why she'd been slapped, that part of her memory had become hazy with time. What she can remember, with blinding clarity is how the slap had felt. Not even the pain which must have been a lot because the slap sent the six year old sprawling on the floor, no, Tamsin could recall, for days and years to come, the feeling the slap invoked in her.
It was a feeling of utter and complete confusion. She couldn't understand ¬not when she was still on that floor and not when she obsessively thought about it later¬ why the hell her mother had slapped her like that.
Why the woman stood there, looking her with pure hatred and vague satisfaction.
She couldn't understand, no matter how hard she tried, why her mother hated her so much.
That feeling of confusion stayed with her for days and days until one day she came to the conclusion that Danielle was not her mother.
That her mother was somewhere out there looking for her and she would find her and they'd go live together in a house of chocolates eating pancakes and laughing all day long.
It made her feel warm and less confused, this new reality she had created for herself. And even later, when she had undeniable proof that Danielle was her mother, she still desperately clung to her conclusion. She needed it. It was her escape and she wasn't going to give it up.
Until it wasn't enough anymore.
...
The first time Danielle's husband had hit Tamsin, she had been nine.
He had been hitting her mother, it wasn't the first time he had done it, but it was the first time her mother just let him hit her. It was like she had given up, like she was ready to take anything, and he just kept hitting her and hitting her and Tamsin got pissed off and slapped him.
That was a mistake.
He hit her so bad she bled. But that wasn't what hurt Tamsin. What hurt her was that Danielle just sat there. she just fucking watched as he hit her and later, when he left, she followed him.
Tamsin was on the floor, bleeding and scared and numb all at the same time and she left.
And that. the action of her leaving, broke something in Tamsin that she hadn't even know she still had.
Hope.
Some pat of her had still hoped that Danielle would come around. But in that moment, she realized that it was never going to happen. Danielle was her mother.
She was her mother and she hated her. And no amount of dreaming was going to change that.
It had been childish of Tamsin to escape into dreams, she knew that. She also knew that she needed some new form of escape.
A better one.
...
It happened by mistake, really.
She had been cleaning her wounds with alcohol, because she had read somewhere that it helped.
A bit of it touched her lip when she was cleaning her cheek, she liked it, it was the most disgusting thing she had ever tasted and it took her a whole minute to get over the taste.
Then after, she realized that while she was getting over the taste, she had thought of nothing else.
If only a drop can make her forget for a whole minute, what could a whole bottle do?
Tamsin Sarksten had found a new form of escape.
...
Running.
Literally running.
That had been her third form of escape when she realized that just drinking wasn't going to solve anything.
Yes, it numbed the pain, yes it made her forget for a while, but later her head would ache something fierce and she would still be in the exact same place she was before.
Nothing had changed.
And she needed something to change, just one bloody thing.
That's how the emancipation deal had coming along, because she realized if anything in her life was to change, she needed to change it herself.
And not by drinking, or withdrawing into her head, but by doing something.
Getting the fuck out of dodge seemed like a bloody good idea, and the moment it was legal, that's exactly what she had done.
She didn't tell her mother goodbye, in fact, she didn't tell her anything.
She just ran all the way to the bus station and left.
...
So it did not come as a surprise, especially not to Tamsin, when her first instinct, after confessing her love for Lauren in some twisted way, was to run.
Lauren was already comprehending the words, she was trying to piece them together and figure out exactly what they meant and Tamsin wanted to not be here when it happened.
She didn't know why she was so scared or what she was so scared of but she fucking was.
She just was.
"Tamsin I¬"
"I have to go." She turned around, cutting Lauren off.
Before she got anywhere, she felt fingers gripping her, "Stop."
It was a soft command.
"I need to go Lauren."
"You need to go," Lauren's voice again sounded tired, "you just tell me what you told me then the next second you need to go."
"La¬"
"Do you even for a second stop to think what I need, Tamsin." She looked like she was holding back tears and if everything tonight hadn't already made Tamsin feel like shit.
Then that did it.
"Of course I do," she said sincerely because honestly, Lauren was all she thought of these days.
"Do you really? Because all you do is decide what you want to deal with and what you don't want to deal with and just expect me to be okay with it."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is and you know it!" Lauren ran her finger through her hair as if to keep herself calm, "And I¬ I don't know how much more of these games I can take before I've had enough, Tamsin."
Tamsin knew from her voice and the look in her eyes that Lauren wasn't being dramatic.
She was being honest.
And the panic it set in the blond's heart was like nothing she had ever felt before.
"Don't say that."
She heard herself croak out, "please don't say that."
Lauren just stood there, looking small and defeated and tired. She looked so fucking tired.
Tamsin took her hand, making sure to hold it softly because she was so afraid that Lauren was on the verge of breaking, "I know I've already asked too much of you. I know that. But I, I'm going to ask you to give me some time, I just need to get my shit together Lauren, because right now I just feel wrong."
Lauren seemed to think about it for a moment then she sighed, "Don't take too long, okay?"
And for the first time in what felt like forever, Tamsin felt like she could breathe, "okay."
She could do this.
She had thought about it all night.
She had even thought about it all morning while she was packing and at some point, she had contemplated writing a note.
But she knew that was a cowardly move, and she needed to not be a coward.
The new Bo was strong and brave and she fucking believed in herself goddammit.
She was going to do this.
She had to.
The door opened slowly when she pushed it without knocking, she took a huge breath and shut her brain off when it immediately lurched onto a memory of her doing the same thing when she was nine.
It had been storming and she'd been scared, she had slowly left her room, and walked around the house till she found her mom, reading a book.
Aife hadn't even asked what the matter was, she just opened her arms and let her daughter climb onto her lap.
And just like that, Bo hadn't been scared anymore.
But that was then, Bo knew that, the Aife who calmed her fears was gone. Bo had to face her fears on her own now.
"Ysabeu," She said like a huge part of her, or maybe even all of her couldn't believe that her daughter was in front of her.
And maybe she couldn't. After last night, she had expected Bo to not talk to her for at least a month.
Maybe she had come to her senses.
"I'm moving out." Bo said. Quick and to the point like ripping out a band aid.
Aife frowned, "What do you mean¬"
"Exactly what I said, mother. I cannot be here anymore."
"I will not allow you to,"
"You cannot not allow me to do anything, mother, not anymore. And this isn't me asking you for permission, this is me telling you the decision I've made."
"Ys¬"
"Mother!" Bo yelled, shutting her mother up, "stop trying to control my life for just one second and listen to me."
"What do you want me to listen to, Ysabeu? Do you want me to listen to how your planning on shaming me in front of everyone. My God, what will people say when¬"
"What¬" Bo's eyes widen with surprise and fury. A laugh that has absolutely no humor in her bubbled from the very core of her being, "what will people say? Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
"I will not tolerate that..."
"I'm done." Bo said with a note of finality that startled Aife to silence. "I'm so fucking done with you. Do you know that after all this time some stupid, pathetic part of me still hoped for just one second, for one bloody second you'll just be my mother."
Aife looked like she was going to say something but it seemed like Bo was honest, she was done.
"Don't talk to me. Don't call me, don't even send a fucking owl, mother. From now on, don't even think of me."
"Bo..."
Aife never called her daughter that unless she was trying to get on her good side.
Bo shook her head, she wasn't doing this,not anymore.
"Don't."
Was all she said before leaving.
...
She was waiting for it.
That feeling like something heavy was lifted from her shoulders.
That feeling that would tell her that she was going to be okay now. She had been waiting for it for two days.
She had thought it would come after she was done talking to her mother, but it never came. Only tears did.
She thought it would come when she stepped out of the door, nothing did.
She had herself convinced that it was going to come as soon as she settled into her new home, still nothing.
Maybe she should wait a day or two, for it to become real.
Well, two days had passed and still nothing.
All she felt was trapped and lost and rejected ans she missed Lauren violently now.
The blond had been there through every major change in Bo's life. She had been the course of many major changes in Bo's life, and although she wanted to be able to say that she was being stronger and braver for herself, she knew it was a lie.
She was doing this mostly for Lauren.
She would have continued living a lie if it didn't mean that she would lose Lauren completely in the process.
Fucked up as it was, that was the truth.
And right now if only she could talk to the blond, remind herself why she was doing this in the first place, remind herself of the reason she would go through this a hundred million times, over and over again.
But she had put the ball in Lauren's court.
She was going to wait for the blond to come to her.
And while she was waiting, she was going to go shop a little.
It wouldn't do her any good to starve to death.
...
It was either destiny, or fate or just really great luck that made Bo bump into Lauren in the supermarket.
She wasn't going to question it.
At first she had thought of turning back and leaving. But apparently her brain and feet had no connection whatsoever and if they did they were having some kind of war because instead of walking away, she walked to Lauren.
The blond was looking at detergents.
Bo found herself smiling for the first time in days because that was such a Lauren thing to do.
Even back then, when they went shopping together, Lauren would always take a lot of time looking at detergents although they both knew she would always pick the exact same thing every time.
"Hi." Bo said nervously when she got closer to her.
The blond looked up, startled at first, then confused, then horribly uncomfortable.
In that moment, Bo felt her heart break and she wanted to turn back and leave. If not for anything, to get that look off Lauren's face.
Lauren seemed to notice and she pasted a look of neutrality on her face, "hi," she put the detergent she'd been holding back on the shelf, "hello." she said again.
Bo felt her lips twitch with a smile in spite of herself.
"You're shopping?"
Immediately the question left her mouth she wanted to throw herself in front of a train.
Of course she was shopping! It was a supermarket for fuck's sake.
Lauren's face relaxed, "yes, you?"
"Uh, yeah, yeah. Although I know where nothing is."
This was true.
Bo had never been shopping alone anywhere other than the mall in her entire life.
Lauren looked lost for words for a moment then said, "you could ask the attendants. It's their job to help you."
Bo visibly deflated. Some part of her, a stupidly optimistic part, had hopped Lauren would show her around. Even she knew she had been expecting too much, but she had still hoped.
"That's a good idea, I think I'll do that." She said lamely.
Lauren looked around like she didn't know what else to say then it came to her, "why are you the one shopping?" she sounded genuinely curious.
"I uh, I have to. I live alone now, moved out of home."
"You moved out?"
"Yeah, I did."
And there it was, that feeling that Bo had desperately been waiting for, it was finally here.
Lauren was standing there, looking at her in a way that told Bo she understood just what it meant for her to move out of home.
She understood in a way only they could. And she knew Bo had entirely meant everything she had said that night in the blond's house. She knew that Bo was ready to stop just talking and start doing.
She knew Bo was fighting for her.
Tamsin stared at her phone.
She had texted Lauren and got a reply saying the blond was at the supermarket but would come right over.
That had been fifteen minutes ago and her nerves were starting to get the best of her.
She had a speech all planned up in her head, in fact she had a speech all planned up since two days ago, but it had disappeared as soon as she got to Lauren's.
God she was so fucking nervous she thought she would be sick.
Maybe she should have had a drink before coming here. It would have helped with the nerves.
But alcohol always made her blurt shit out and that was the last fucking thing she needed.
She almost sent another text, when she heard Lauren clearing her throat.
She looked up, her breath hitched.
For fucks sake, it had only been days and seeing her made her breath hitch.
Seriously?
This falling in love business was complicated as fuck.
Lauren looked like she wanted to something but she thought of it and wordlessly opened the door, leaving it open for Tamsin to follow.
...
Tamsin was even more nervous, if that was at all possible.
Seriously, if she didn't get this done soon, or have a fucking drink, she was going to be sick.
"Would you like some water," Lauren ask, probably noticing Tamsin's state.
The taller blond shakes her head, Lauren nods.
She places her shopping on the table and sits down, "have a seat." she offers.
Tamsin shakes her head again.
"I'm going to stand. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just sit there and listen, please." she says while trying to keep herself from bouncing from one foot to another.
Lauren nods.
Tamsin takes in a huge breath, Okay, here goes.
...
"You're pretty much the most amazing person I've ever met."
She said because that feeling is what got her here.
This morning, she had woken up and found that Lauren had texted her; are you okay?
That's all the text had said.
After everything that had happened between them, the first thing Lauren asked, was whether or not Tamsin was okay.
And that's what got Tamsin out of whatever the hell she had been in since that night at Lauren's.
Because for the very first time in her whole god damned life someone cared enough for her to ask whether she was okay.
And she knew if she didn't get off her ass and do something she was going to lose her and she was not going to let that happen.
She couldn't.
Not even when she was confused and extremely guilty where Bo was concerned.
And she was.
She really, really was.
But the thing was, what she felt for Lauren. How safe she felt just knowing that Lauren cared for her, how warm she felt just remembering thing about her, it overpowered the guilt she felt towards Bo.
And yes, that probably made her a really shitty person but for the first time in her life she was going to put herself in front of other people.
"And what I said the other night," she went on, "It's not that I can't love you because I don't want to, it's because I don't know how. I'm shit with feelings Lauren, even my own. And you deserve more than that."
"Tamsin¬"
"Please let me finish."
Lauren closed her mouth although she clearly looked like she wanted to say something.
"But I want to know how to. I want to make you happy more than I've ever wanted anything in my life Lauren. And I know you deserve better, I know that. But that, that doesn't stop me from wanting a chance. Cause that's all I want, Lauren, a chance to make you happy."
She put her hands in her pockets and stood there, she had said all she could say, the ball was in Lauren's court.