Sameen jolted awake, gasping for breath. She pushed her hair away from her face, trying to calm down. Bear perked his head up, his ears sticking up as he tilted his head. Her breathing eased as she became aware of her surroundings.
Another nightmare. The image of Root played back in her head and she sucked in air. The sheets rustled beside her. Sameen looked down to see Root sleeping, curled into a ball, her face scrunched into a frown.
Reaching out gently, Sameen ran a thumb over Root's forehead, smoothing it out. She could feel sweat dripping down her back and sighed. It would be better for them if she stayed in bed, but now she needed another shower; the sweat on her face stung her eyes.
As quietly as possible, Sameen climbed out of bed, the cotton sheets sticking to her bare skin. Her footsteps echoed in the bedroom as she crossed to the dresser. It was obvious, even to her, that Root got upset when she left. Root wanted them to be together forever, but Sameen didn't know what that meant anymore.
Did forever mean as long as they love each other? Did it mean until Root got depressed again? Until Sameen faded away? The nightmare replayed in her head and Sameen wiped a hand across her forehead. She was the fittest she'd ever been; her late night work-outs were doing wonders for her muscles.
Sliding open her drawer, she pulled out her workout clothes and a clean pair of underwear from another.
"Sameen?"
Sameen turned around to see Root lifting herself up with one arm. Her other hand came up to rub her eyes. Root looked like an angel. Her bare shoulders glowed in the light coming in from the street. She stared at Sameen across the room.
"Come back to bed," Root said, her voice rough with sleep, "please."
Sameen's stomach clenched and she shook her head. "No."
She wanted to talk to Root and tell her what she was feeling, but she didn't. Instead, she just shoved it down and tried to forget about it. It was one benefit of feeling nothing. Sameen remembered the hot summer night when she kissed Root in the treehouse and let her face drop into its neutral mask.
Root watched her for a moment before dropping down onto the bed. She rolled over, her back to Sameen. Eventually, they'd talk about it. Sameen pushed her drawers shut and headed for the shower.
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Root adjusted the computer pieces spread on the floor in front of her. It was Saturday and she'd spent the entire day at home with Bear, trying to catalogue the spare pieces she'd brought along. Her computer could use some updating, but she wasn't sure she had everything she needed.
Sameen was at work, probably angrily holding back insults. The doctor that oversaw her internship was rude to her and Sameen's patience was running thin. Root looked around her for her cellphone and realized just how big of a mess she'd made.
Sighing, she climbed to her feet. She needed to clean up before Sameen got home. Things had been a little rocky lately. Nothing big, nothing obvious, but Root could feel it. Looking around for her phone, Root crossed her arms.
She remembered the last time she'd felt like something was wrong. Sameen was dating Tomas and Root just knew their relationship had changed. Now, it just felt like everything was in the air. They'd never fully talked about Root's breakdown, not really. Mostly, they just agreed not to talk about it and tried to move on.
It wasn't working. Sameen still left the bed every night and, in the morning, Root found her asleep on the couch, sweating like she had a fever. At this point, she wondered why Sameen even pretended to fall asleep with her.
It had started after their camping trip. They'd spent the whole trip pressed together in their tent, but when they'd gotten home…Root pushed her hair out of her face and stared down at Bear. Well, Sameen wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping.
Root still felt restless. Whatever stability she'd found over last summer was gone and it felt like she was 15 again, standing next a train, screaming into the night. Maybe Sameen shouldn't have tried so hard if this is where they ended up – Together only because it was what they were used to.
It was just hard, to be cheerful about the future. Root spent all of her time checking what she said and trying to be normal. Every time she got on her motor scooter, or on a bus, or on her bike, Root wondered what would happen if she just…kept going. If she just left Bishop behind, left…everyone behind.
She could make a life for herself somewhere else. Fake a birth certificate and find a job doing code or something. Would Sameen follow her? Again? Was being physically absent any different from being emotionally absent?
Root realized her eyes were watering and she reached up to wipe them away. She loved Sameen, more than anything else in the entire world, but sometimes she wondered if it was just because they'd found each other when they were young. Would they have fallen in love under different circumstances? Would Sameen still love her in ten years? Five years? Tomorrow?
The front door bumped against the doorway and Root jumped. Sameen was home and she hadn't cleaned anything up. Quickly kneeling to try and make some room on the floor, she shoved everything together, ready to pretend like she hadn't been crying.
"Bear," Root commanded, "bedroom." She watched Bear trot off into the bedroom and hop onto their bed.
Sameen stomped into the apartment, her backpack clenched in a fist at her side. Root watched her take in the apartment. The muscles in Sameen's jaw twitched and Root knew she was probably pissed at the mess. Root hadn't done a great job of cleaning up this summer. She did dishes, but that was about it. Sameen took care of most of it.
After a long drag around the room, Sameen's eyes finally landed on Root's face. She took in Root's watery eyes, but her face didn't change at all. Her neutral mask betrayed nothing, but the hair on Root's arms rose. The blue scrubs Sameen had to wear to the hospital were rumpled.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sameen hissed. She slammed her bag onto the ground and Root jumped at the clatter. "You were home all day and you make a huge mess? Do you expect me to clean it up?"
"I lost track of time," Root apologized. She tried to sweep the circuitry into a pile with her hands. "I started to clean, but I got distracted."
Sameen rolled her eyes, her whole body vibrating with anger. "Of course you did. You can't keep a thought in your head long enough to finish a task."
Root's stomach tensed and she climbed to her feet. The comment had come out of nowhere. "Excuse me? I'm sorry I didn't clean up, but that was uncalled for. You don't have to be mean."
"You're right." Sameen shrugged and met Root's eyes again. "It's not your fault that no one raised you. I can't expect you to have any manners."
What little control Root had scrapped together vanished and her eyes watered again. What was wrong with Sameen? She swallowed hard, crossing her arms defensively.
"We can't all come from happy families. Some of us have had actual trauma."
"I was with my father when he was killed, Root. That's trauma."
Turning on her heel, Root took a few steps away, trying to calm down. Sameen had never been mean to her before, not like this. Tomas counted, of course, but Root had almost forgiven her for that. This was something else and Root didn't know how to handle it. She was already feeling unsteady and this wasn't helping. It wasn't like Sameen really got sad.
"Your dad isn't even dead," Sameen spat out from behind her. "Neither is your mom actually."
Root spun around, her face twisting in rage. "You don't get to talk about my mom. Not after what you did."
"I saved your life!" Sameen countered, her neck turning red. "You would be dead if it wasn't for me."
"I asked you not to call the police and you did it anyway! You knew what would happen!"
Sameen scoffed, her sweaty hair dangling from her messy braid. "No. I didn't. All I knew was that your mother was a drunk and a little homophobic. Sure, she threw a chair at you once, but that was years ago and you really played it down. You never, never, told me the full story and you can't blame me for being worried about you!"
"The 'full story'?" Root said, her fingers forming air quotes. Her face felt hot, but she couldn't calm down. "What was your childhood like, Sameen? Did you get in fights before you came to Bishop? Why do you exercise so much? How…" Her voice cracked and she felt her chin tremble. "How can you see me crying and still be so mean?"
Looking away, Sameen didn't answer for a moment. Root barked out a wet laugh and turned away, pressing her hands to her face. They'd been doing so well. The little jabs and empty beds didn't feel so terrible now. Root would trade anything to go back to that. What was happening?
Sameen finally spoke, her low voice loud in the silent apartment. "We don't have to tell each other everything."
Root sighed loudly. She didn't turn around. "I'm aware. I remember Tomas."
There was a loud thud and Root peeked over her shoulder to see Sameen's fist pressed against the wall. She'd punched it. Hating herself for worrying about Sameen's hand, Root looked away again.
"You're still mad about him." It wasn't a question. "Two years later and you can't forgive me. Yes, I lied to you, but I had some issues to work out and I broke up with him. I haven't talked to him since."
"Good."
Sameen growled. "You have no room to talk. You went back to Hanna the first chance you could."
That made Root turn around, her eyebrows raised in surprise. "I explained Hanna and I never lied to you. You knew what was happening."
"You're right," Sameen replied, snarling. "It's so much better to watch the person you love with someone else when you know it's happening."
"That's what you did with Tomas. Besides, I explained Hanna and you said you were fine that I still talked to her."
Sameen threw her hands in the air. "I lied. Does that make you happy? I lied to you again. I hate that you still talk to her. What if you realize that you still like her? What if you decide to go back to your first choice?"
Root's mouth dropped open. "Hanna isn't my first choice, Sameen. You are."
"It didn't feel like that last December. It felt like your true love had returned and I'd been…been cast aside like trash. Hanna was back and you didn't need me to make you feel loveable anymore."
Root's heart beat loud in her chest, blood rushing through her ears. That's what Sameen thought? That Root was only keeping her around as a trophy? To make herself feel better? Root had gone back to Hanna because…Well, because she wasn't Sameen.
"I don't…" Root shook her head. "I don't like you because you make me feel loveable. I like you – I love you because of who you are."
"A mean bitch with no emotions." Sameen glared at her. She was still rooted in her spot by the front door. "Why didn't you make a move?"
"What?" Root took a shaky breath. Sameen was all over the place and Root couldn't hold on to a single thought. "When?"
"Before we started dating. We were friends for a year before we kissed in the treehouse. You could have told me you liked me at any time."
"I didn't know you liked girls!" Root cried, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides. "What if you didn't like me back? What if it ruined our friendship? What if-"
"Oh, stop it." Sameen rolled her eyes. She was breathing hard, Root realized. This argument was affecting her, too. "I admitted that I knew you liked me. You had to have noticed, too. I get that you were scared, but at some point, you have to own up to your actions."
Root slowly walked in a circle. It felt good to be talking, really talking, not giving each other empty platitudes. Maybe they'd actually talk about these issues; maybe they'd call it quits and go back to Bishop and never talk to each other again.
"You want to talk about owning up to your actions?" Root took a deep breath and met Sameen's eyes. "Why do you leave me at night? Where do you go? What do you do? What is so wrong with me that you can't bear to lie next to me?"
Sameen didn't answer. They stared at each other across the living room. Root's blood was pumping in her head so loudly that she couldn't hear anything else. Sameen's chest rose and fell, panting with anger.
It hurt. Root hurt. Her chest felt heavy, like she couldn't breathe, like she was going to melt. Hot tears slid down her face, burning her eyes. There had to be something more than this. More than wanting more. Root didn't know what to do about her loneliness, about the constant tug in her chest pulling her towards Sameen, towards the future.
Maybe, if she was like Sameen, if she could shut herself down, it would all be better. Did Sameen ever feel exhausted like this? Did she ever feel heavy enough to sink to the bottom of the ocean and never come up again? Root reached up to wipe her eyes, feeling small and stupid. Sameen wasn't crying.
Her hands still over her eyes, Root heard Sameen draw a shaky breath.
"I've been having nightmares."
Dropping her arms, Root just looked at Sameen. The love of her life looked like a statue, frozen and emotionless. Sameen's eyelashes flickered, betraying her nerves.
"Ever since the camping trip, I can't get the image of you covered in blood out of my head." She drew a shaking hand over her hair, uselessly trying to smooth it down. "I…It always starts the same. We just got back from the roadtrip. We go through your house and I can smell it like I'm actually there. Your mom hits you, but…"
She faltered and looked away. Her fingers plucked at the cotton of her scrub pants and Root wondered if she'd ever been this nervous before. She wondered if Sameen knew how important this conversation was.
"What?" Root asked quietly. Her shoulders felt weighted down. "But what?"
"But she kills you," Sameen finished. "She kills you and it's my fault. I killed you." Her eyes flicked to Root's face and then away again. "Then it changes and I'm outside of the treehouse, knocking on the door. You don't answer, so I go inside…and…" She closed her eyes, shaking her head, her lips pinched shut.
Root started to understand where this was going. Sameen felt like Root did - out of control and desperate for something she can't explain. It must be terrifying for Sameen, to have all this emotion, but be incapable of processing it. Root softened slightly, remember how terrifying it was to like Sameen and not know what to do.
"It usually continues for a while," Sameen sighed. "I'm in Bishop, but there's no one else. We're older and you disappear for years. I just lose you over and over and…I wake up. There you are beside me in bed and I can't stand it. It's not you."
The fight drained out of Root and she just nodded. She wanted to say something comforting, to help Sameen feel better, but there was nothing to say. Root just didn't know what to do. Sameen had finally opened up to her and she just didn't have the energy to say something nice. Maybe it was just time to be honest.
Slowly, she made her way to the couch and dropped on to it. She looked at Sameen, who look tired now. Tired and sad and small.
"Sometimes," Root started, "I'm afraid that you aren't enough. I want so many things, but I don't know what they are and I don't know how to go after them. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up someday and…need something more."
Sameen stepped out of her shoes, kicking them away. She peeled her socks off and tossed them aside. Her face was blank when she looked at Root again, but it wasn't her normal mask. Root took in her neutral expression and couldn't understand it. Sameen's big brown eyes blinked slowly at her.
"I don't…" Root pulled her feet onto the couch, hugging her legs. "I don't know what to say, Sameen. I may have more experience with emotions, but I don't know anything more about relationships than you do. I don't want to break up or fight anymore. I just want to be happy with you. Stargaze and swim and look forward to college."
Sighing, Sameen walked across the room, sitting down on the couch, as far from Root as she could get. She stared down at her hands.
"I need to know that you aren't going to disappear again." Sameen balled her hands into fists. "I need to know that you really want me and we're not just together for convenience. If you meet another girl, when we're older and living some place else, how do I know that you won't just move on?"
"It's kind of funny," Root laughed humorlessly, wiping her face again, "I thought you would be the one who left. I used to think you'd just lose interest and fade away, but I'm the one we're worried about."
Sameen shrugged, the corner of her mouth quirking up. "It could still happen. Don't overestimate me."
"Yeah." Root shook her head. Their fight played back in her head and she winced. "I don't really blame you." She looked at Sameen, her hair tumbling over her shoulders. "For my mom. I know you did the right thing. I just miss it sometimes – my old life. It was awful, but it was safe. Nothing tied me down or held me back."
"I hold you back." Sameen looked at Root, her hands still clenched into fists. "We spend a couple of months apart and you turn an empty train car into a computer system."
"Maybe," Root offered, "we could set some time aside. To work on personal things. I could work on my projects and you could…I don't know, fit in more work outs?"
Sameen laughed, running a hand over her face. "I could study for med school or try and learn code or something. Maybe catch up to you?"
Root smiled, breathing a little easier. "I'd like that."
"I suppose," Sameen sniffed, her head tilting, "I could tell you when I'm having nightmares."
"I'd like that." Root reached out and put her hand on Sameen's fist. "I'll stop texting Hanna."
Sameen opened her hand. Their palms stuck together, sweaty from the heat and the argument. Root watched their fingers intertwine, sliding against each other until they were comfortable. Sameen's grip on her hand was slightly painful, but it felt good.
"I won't ever lie to you again or hide anything from you," Sameen offered. "I'll do my best."
Root blinked, her eyes welling up again. "Sometimes, I get lonely," she rasped, her voice thick. "It's not lonely, not like – I don't miss someone or anything. It's like…"
She turned to fully face Sameen on the couch. Sameen's eyes were dark and open and Root didn't know how to explain the weight in her chest to anyone, much less someone who couldn't relate.
"It's like when you're underwater and it's dark. Everything is muffled and you can't tell where you are in relation to the air. Part of you wants to just stay there and let it drag you down forever, but you know that if you let it, you'll never be happy."
Sameen blinked slowly. She raised her hand to Root's cheek and Root couldn't stop herself from leaning into the touch. Softly, Sameen's thumb brushed away Root's tears and it made Root cry harder.
"If there's one thing I can relate to, it's emptiness." Sameen took a long breath. "It's tempting to just live there, in the empty place. You taught me, though, that there's a whole world out there, just waiting to be discovered. I don't think you could let yourself go, Root. There's too much you don't know yet."
Root let out a breath, desperate to let Sameen reassure her. "What if I wake up one day and I just want to go somewhere else? Or be someone else?"
"Well," Sameen said thoughtfully, pulling her hand away from Root's face, "as long as it's after med school, then that's fine. Doctors are needed everywhere. If you want to be someone else…I guess as long as you still like women, it's fine, right? I'll change my name, too."
That made Root laugh, the pressure in her chest finally dissipating. Sameen looked so earnest and beautiful. Root believed her. Really believed that Sameen was willing to follow her anywhere. She didn't want Sameen to have to chase her across the universe, but it was nice to know she would.
Root tried to think of something else to offer, something else to promise Sameen. "I'm glad we had this fight or talk or whatever. I think we needed to say all that. I know we haven't sorted it all out, but we have somewhere to start."
"Me too. I'm sorry for being so mean. It was just a bad day and this place is a mess."
"I will clean it," Root promised. "I started to, but I started thinking about how tense our relationship was and I got distracted."
Sameen grimaced. "It's been a little rough, yeah. Prom was nice, though, even if you did text Hanna and I did leave after you fell asleep."
"Well, neither of those things will happen again." Root smiled. "I'll delete her contact and if you have nightmares, you can wake me up and I'll talk to you until you can sleep again."
Rolling her eyes, Sameen scratched her nose. "I don't like being vulnerable like this. I'm almost 18! I should be independent."
"You can be tough with everyone else. I won't tell."
"I haven't told you why I was so mad earlier."
Root frowned. "You said it was a bad day."
"Yeah," Sameen huffed, "It was. My boss pulled me aside to talk to me about how I dealt with patients. Well, I talk to families mostly and point them in the right direction, but still. We all know that human interaction is not my strong suit."
"That is true," Root chuckled. "What did he say?"
"He told me," Sameen said through gritted teeth, "that I could never be a doctor because I can't empathize with people. It doesn't just take medical knowledge and technique to be successful; you have to be able to communicate appropriately."
Root let that sink in. Sameen had already been doubting their relationship. She was worried that she wasn't enough for Root or that Root liked Hanna more. Having a doctor tell her she'd never succeed probably pushed her over the edge.
Sameen tapped on Root's forehead. "Hello? Stop analyzing. I get it – The doctor was the final straw in a long line of stressors. That, coupled with the mess of the apartment, led me to overreact, blah blah blah."
Sameen's braid hung over her shoulder, her hair curling in the humid summer air. Somehow, despite working indoors, Sameen had managed to tan and her skin glowed in the orange light of the setting sun that streamed in through the windows. Root ran her eyes over Sameen's strong jaw and sighed.
Reaching out with her free hand, Root pulled the hair tie from Sameen's hair. "Turn around."
Sameen released Root's hand and turned around, crossing her legs in front of her on the couch. Slowly, carefully, Root took Sameen's hair in her hands. The braid came apart easily and Root methodically untwisted it. When her fingers brushed Sameen's neck, she sighed.
"I like that you can keep still," Root said quietly, digging her fingers into Sameen's hair, lightly scratching her skull. "You're always steady."
Sameen's shoulders relaxed slightly and she leaned her head back to give Root a better angle. "I like that you're always moving and ready to go."
They sat like that for a few minutes, Root running her fingers through Sameen's hair and Sameen staring into the distance. The wind blew against the windows as the sun set, casting the room into shadow. When it was too dark to see, and Sameen's hair was thoroughly brushed, Root slid off the couch and onto her feet.
"Come on." She offered a hand down to Sameen, smiling when she took it. "I miss you."
Sameen nodded and let Root lead her into the bedroom. Their footsteps were loud against the wood floors as they crossed the room. Bear perked up when they got to the bed, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Dropping Root's hand, Sameen leaned down to pet him, rubbing her nose on the top her his head.
Root unbuckled her jeans, the fabric rough on her fingers. She undressed quickly, watching Sameen press her face into Bear's fur, her eyes closed. Standing naked beside the bed, Root waited for Sameen to look at her, not in any rush. They had time, so much time, and Root was willing to spend the rest of her life convincing Sameen that they were alright.
Straightening up, Sameen pushed Bear off the bed and out of the room. She closed the door behind him and turned around, looking at Root with tired eyes. Her gaze crept down Root's body, lingering and soft.
"It's been a while since I just looked at you," Sameen whispered, her long hair hanging to her waist. "I like the way you look. I've always liked the way you looked."
"Really?" Root asked shyly. She ran a hand over her stomach. "I think you're the good looking one."
Sameen rolled her eyes. "Please. I've just got muscles and boobs." She bit her lower lip. "You're breathtaking."
It made Root's heart pound to hear Sameen say she was breathtaking. Root had always thought she was too skinny or too gangly or too awkward. Crossing to Sameen, Root smiled and rested her hands on the door on either side of Sameen, closing the distance between them.
Her head dipped down and Sameen's tilted up to meet it. Root brushed her lips over Sameen's, marveling at the texture and the way the lightest touch sent tingles down her spine. Sameen's tongue ran over Root's lip and she finally pressed their lips together, their mouths locking together like they had a hundred times before.
Sameen's hands ran over her bare stomach and over Root's back. Root's breath hitched and she took Sameen's face in her hands, trying to restrain herself. She didn't want to hurry this, didn't want it to be fast and panicked and violent. She wanted Sameen to know Root loved her, forever. Her hands pushed into Sameen's hair.
Root gasped for breath, her bottom lip caught between Sameen's teeth and her skin burning. The hands on her back pressed her closer and she cracked her eyes open, desperate to look at Sameen, trapped between Root's body and the door.
"I want to see you, too," Root breathed, stepping away. Her blood rushed through her body as she watched Sameen's eyes blink open, her mouth swollen from kisses. "Can I see you?"
Nodding, Sameen started to pull her shirt off, but Root stopped her hands, taking over. She carefully lifted the shirt over Sameen's head, watching the way her hair tumbled back down in messy waves. Tossing the shirt away, Root dragged her eyes over Sameen's chest wondering how she ever got so lucky.
She touched her fingers to Sameen's stomach nervously, afraid Sameen would shatter if she applied too much pressure. Sameen was precious and beautiful and strong and Root couldn't believe she was allowed to be this close to her. When Sameen stepped forward to give Root space, she unclasped her bra and let it fall to the floor.
"I think you're perfect," Root said, staring into Sameen's eyes, hoping her sincerity was clear. "Even when you don't understand or when you're only rough edges, I think you're perfect. You're the truest person I've ever met."
Sameen swallowed hard, her eyes flicking between Root's eyes. "Even when I'm mean? Or numb?"
"Even then."
Root surged forward, locking their mouths together, wrapping her arms around Sameen's shoulders. Their bare chests pressed together and Root wanted to scream. Every nerve in her body was crying out to be touched. Sameen's strong arms around her, forcing them as close as possible, made her desperate for more.
She tilted her head, their noses bumping against each other, trying to breath Sameen in. When they kissed, all of Root's worries disappeared. How could she ever grow tired of this? How could anyone else make her feel like she was falling and flying at the same time? Sameen moaned into her mouth and Root almost started crying.
Tearing herself away, Root dropped to her knees, pulling Sameen's pants and underwear to the ground, holding them while she stepped out. Reverentially, like she was kneeling in front of an angel, Root kissed Sameen's thighs. Slowly and deliberately, she dragged her lips up to Sameen's hips, running them over her hip bones, while Sameen's stomach quivered above her.
She could hear Sameen taking shallow breaths, could feel her body trembling.
"Root," Sameen panted, "Let's move to the bed."
Root nodded and stood, making sure their bodies brushed together. Sameen's pupils were wide as she stared up at Root. Seeing Sameen affected like this gave Root confidence. They loved each other. They were connected. Root wasn't making this up in her head. She hoped Sameen could see the same in her face.
Root crawled onto the queen-sized bed, the soft cotton sheets cool against her hot skin. Sameen got into bed next to her and Root pushed her down, throwing a leg over her hips. She wanted Sameen to feel loved and important. Root wanted to worship her.
Kissing Sameen again, Root sucked in a breath through her nose, her fingers curling in the sheets as her knees pressed against Sameen's hips. She remembered the way Sameen used to look at her in PE class, her blank stare threatening. It had changed into something friendly and then something more. Root dragged her lips down Sameen's jaw, gently nipping at her throat.
"I like it when you're protective," Root muttered into Sameen's neck. She pressed wet kisses along Sameen's collarbone. "I like when you punch people for me."
Sameen chuckled, her breath shaky. Her nails scrapped along Root's sides, not quite painful.
"I like protecting you. It makes me feel strong."
Root hummed into Sameen's chest, adjusting herself lower. "You are strong. So strong. You could lift a car."
Laughing, Sameen, dug her nails into Root's sides. "Thanks, babe."
"Anytime."
Root scrapped her teeth along Sameen's stomach, resisting the urge to bite down. Sameen was not going to bleed today. Her tongue left a wet line on Sameen's shaking stomach as she licked her way up to Sameen's breast. One hand keeping her up, Root moved the other to Sameen's chest.
Gasping as Root ran her fingers over her breasts, Sameen moved her legs, the sheets rustling.
"I like…" Sameen stuttered, stopping to swallow. Her eyes were clenched shut. "I like when you teach me new things. I like that you can look up at space and see order instead of emptiness."
Root bit Sameen's nipple lightly, her hand mirroring her action. Sameen was the order in Root's life, the compass directing her choices. Root could be stuck in a cage forever and never feel trapped if she had someone like that with her.
"I would do anything for you," Root said into Sameen's chest, her voice full of conviction. "I would do absolutely anything."
It was funny, Root thought, Sameen's mute symbol tattoo. When Root was this close, Sameen's heart was anything, but quiet. Their hearts pounded in rhythm. She pressed a kiss over the tattoo and shifted her weight, moving so her legs were straddling one of Sameen's thighs, their eyes level. Root just looked at Sameen, at her fluttering eyes, at her parted lips, at her flushed cheeks. She needed Sameen to understand.
"Sameen." Her name was like a prayer in Root's mouth. "Sameen." Root pressed her thigh against Sameen's wet center, drinking in the way Sameen sucked in a rasping breath. "Sameen." Root took Sameen's face in her sweaty palm, her thumb tracing Sameen's cheekbone. "Sameen."
She slid her hand down Sameen's chest, over her stomach, and down between her legs. Sameen started up at her with wide eyes, never leaving Root's face. A tear leaked from her eye, racing down the side of her face and disappearing in her hair. Sameen licked her lips.
"Root."
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Hours later, after Sameen had cooked dinner and Root had cleaned the apartment, they climbed the fire escape to the roof to look at the stars. Sameen kicked her heels against the edge of the building, her arms resting on the metal railing. Houston was a bright city, much brighter than Bishop, and they couldn't see as many stars.
She turned her head to look at Root. Root was resting her hand on her arms, leaning on the railing, her eyes fixed to the sky. Sameen was glad they'd finally talked. It didn't feel so weird to be together, just sitting, just being.
Sameen felt bad for yelling at Root, but she had been so mad. That stuck-up, son of a bitch at the hospital had called her out in front of everyone. He'd confirmed what she'd always thought – she had a problem. A disorder.
"We should design a tattoo," Sameen joked, "Something with two axes."
Root chuckled and dropped her arms into her lap, looking at Sameen. "Maybe a compass? Or a map?"
"Yeah." Sameen stopped kicking her legs. "Axis II Personality Disorder."
"You're so fancy," Root said, batting her eyelashes. "The rest of us only have one Axis."
Sameen punched Root in the arm. "That's not how it works, loser."
"Well, you have to teach me! I want to know all about it."
"I'll tell you later." Sameen sighed. "That can be my first project when school starts again – Learn about myself."
Root scooted backwards, away from the edge. Crawling closer, she wrapped her arms around Sameen's shoulders. "I love you, my emotionally-impaired sweetheart."
"I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer. It'll be fun now that the air is clear."
Root laid down, her head in Sameen's lap. She stared up into Sameen's eyes. "We have Dallas Pride in a couple weeks and then visiting the Reese-Carter-Morgan household."
Sameen laughed. "That name is too long. They're going to have to pick one."
"Probably," Root agreed.
Softly, Sameen ran her hand over Root's hair. "I don't think we need all of the answers right now."
"About the Reese-Carter-Morgans?"
"No." Sameen rolled her eyes. "About us and the future. I think it's ok if we just live our lives and do our best."
Root didn't answer and Sameen dropped her head back, feeling the cool night air blow across her. It was going to be a good summer, what was left of it anyway, and a good senior year. Root would be captain of the science bowl team. Sameen would be captain of the soccer team. They'd take their SATs and apply to colleges. It would be good. Maybe Sameen would even let Root take her ghost hunting again.
"I know we're both aware that we might break-up someday, but I want you to know that I love you more than anything else in the universe."
Sameen looked down at Root, her chest tight. She associated this weird feeling with large declarations of love and she wasn't sure if it was happiness or stress. It was starting to feel like happiness.
"I love you, too, Root." Sameen looked out over the city. "Are you ready for bed? I think I'm going to get a full night's sleep tonight."