I meant to post this earlier, it's the second half of chapter fourteen.
One look at Tamsin and Nadia just knew that the blond was going to give her hell tonight.
It had been a rather good week, Tamsin had come to work smiling almost every night and she'd even been nice to customers, which was a little frightening.
But tonight, there was no smile on her face and she definitely didn't look like she wanted to be nice to anyone.
Nadia made a mental note to keep an eye on her, she really didn't put it past Tamsin to assault the customers.
"Hi," she greeted when the girl got behind the counter, just to test the waters.
"Fuck the hell of, Nadia."
She replied, he voice hard and her eyes already narrowing at a guy who looked like he was about to order a drink.
Nadia sighed; it was going to be a long night.
...
Tamsin ran her fingers through her hair and leaned on the wall.
She had gone outside to get some air, she'd felt so trapped inside that darned bar she'd almost lost her sanity.
Bo's voice was yelling loud in her head.
She'd thought that she was over this, that she had made a decision to be with Lauren and that was that.
But life just didn't work that way, one fight with Bo and now she was back to feeling like utter shit.
She wasn't going to give Lauren up, that just wasn't going to happen.
But it seemed like she wasn't going to get this feeling that she was turning into her mother out of her mind either.
And that, honestly, was her biggest fear, turning into a woman who spent her life screwing people over.
She never wanted to be that person, ever.
But she had seen Bo, all pale and defeated looking and as much as she had tried to tell herself the whole freaking night that that wasn't her fault, she knew, somewhere in her head she knew full well that she had a lot to do with it.
And it was ripping her apart.
Add that to all the stuff Bo had said, some of them pure truth, and Tamsin was losing her mind.
Her phone rung, pulling her from her head and making her curse out loud, she didn't want to talk to anyone right now.
She stared at the screen; Lauren.
She kept staring at it, contemplated not picking the call, and if it was anyone else, she wouldn't have. But this was Lauren, she had an worrying power over her.
"Hello,"
"Hey, I wanted to ask if-" then her voice was drowned out by some noisy people coming out of the bar. Tamsin bit her tongue so as to not yell at them.
"Tamsin?"
Oh shit, Lauren was waiting for an answer.
"Yeah, sure." She said, not really knowing what she was agreeing to.
Might as well have been accepting to jump off a cliff for all she knew.
"You didn't hear a word I said, did you?"
"Of course I did."
"Then what did I say?" Lauren's voice sounded light ans amused.
She closed her eyes and tried to think, more drunk people came out the bar, singing. It took all her strength not to pelt them with freaking stones.
"Tamsin..." Lauren prompted in her ear.
The patrons kept singing.
Bo's voice kept ringing in her head.
"I don't fucking know, okay! Look Lauren I'm busy and I have to go." The words were out of her mouth before she realized she was saying them.
Shit, "Lauren...I didn't."
"You're right, you have to go."
"Lauren-"
"Bye." Then she heard the dial tone.
Fuck!
...
She couldn't stop panicking, she hadn't stopped panicking from the moment she'd heard that dial tone.
She had tried calling back, she had sent two texts, she had tried calling again but she had had shit luck the whole night.
One week.
One bloody week.
That's how long it had taken for her to ruin everything.
Seven freaking days.
God, she could just jump in front of a train with how stupid she felt.
She hadn't meant to snap, she had never snapped at Lauren.
It's just, too many things were happening at the same time and she'd already been angry and frustrated to begin with and it had just been really, really bad timing.
Maybe she should just have ignored that phone call and called Lauren back when she was less mind fucked.
But what was done was done and now maybes weren't helping her none, she needed to fix it.
For a moment, she thought of buying Lauren flowers.
Girls- girls like that sort of stuff, right?
Personally, Tamsin didn't know, the only time she had been offered any sort of plant it had been weed.
She didn't think Lauren would appreciate that.
Then she also realized she didn't know Lauren's favorite flowers seeing as they'd only be together for a week.
Fuck!
She finally settled on going to Betty's and buying some doughnuts; Lauren loved doughnuts.
Betty looked like she wanted to ask Tamsin invasive questions as she sold her the baked goods but one look from the blond told her she wasn't putting up with shit, not this morning.
So the older woman just bit her tongue and did her work, which was just as well. With how frustrated and angry Tamsin was feeling, she probably would have ripped her a new one right there in the dinner and that probably wouldn't have helped her current situation any.
...
Lauren didn't look very surprised when she opened the door to find Tamsin on the other side of it.
It was like she knew Tamsin would come sooner or later.
"Uh," Tamsin put her hands in her pockets like she did whenever she was nervous, "hi."
"Hi." Lauren's voice was flat.
Tamsin sighed, this was going to be hard.
"I brought you the pastries with holes in them," she said sheepishly and waited for the reaction she was hoping for.
Lauren's lips formed into a tiny involuntary smile and Tamsin bit her lip not to smile as well.
"Doughnuts," she corrected just like Tamsin knew she would.
Tamsin nodded and extended the small brown bag.
It took a minute but then Lauren sighed and took it," thank you." she said softly because Lauren Lewis was anything but rude.
Now Tamsin put both her hands in her pockets, "I'm sorry about last night." She said, not establishing eye contact.
Lauren just looked at her, taking in her swollen eyes that showed she hadn't slept a wink and her nervous actions and how tiny her voice in and she sighed, shaking her head.
"Close the door behind you."
She said walking in as she left it open, a clear invitation to Tamsin to come inside.
...
She felt small.
Lauren was standing in front of her, her look hurt and questioning and Tamsin felt small.
Like she had been given something big and wonderful and had failed to take care of it.
"I'm really sorry about last night, I didn't," she looked away from those sad eyes, "I didn't mean to snap at you."
"Then why did you?" It was a simple enough question.
"I was just, upset, about some things and I took it out on you."
"What things?"
"Lauren-"
"No, Tamsin. I want to know. You were fine when you left here for work and I know it wasn't the patrons who upset you because when they do you always just think of ways to kill them inside your head. You never leave in the middle of work."
It both warmed Tamsin's heart and made her a bit annoyed that Lauren knew her that well, she sighed.
"I just had a sot of argument with someone and some of the things she said stuck in my head."
"Someone?" Lauren asked with an arched brow.
"Someone." she confirmed curtly.
"Who?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Tamsin," Lauren said in a chastising voice.
"I don't want it to matter, okay, I don't."
Her voice sounded harsher than she had intended for it to be.
Lauren seemed to deflate at it, "why?" she asked quietly, her voice sounding exhausted by the whole thing.
Tamsin ran her fingers through her hair, trying to find the words in her head to explain this properly because Lauren deserved at the very least that.
"Because you're my dream." she said finally.
Lauren seemed confused but her eyes also grew softer, "what?"
"You're my dream," Tamsin repeated in a stronger voice than before, "when I younger, I passed a stage where I was obsessed with books and one day I read one where this guy had a dream, he wanted to be someone someday.
"And his life was utter shit,but that didn't matter to him as long as he had his dream. And that's what you are to me, my dream." She bit her lip, looking away from Lauren's now glassy eyes, "I care about you so much that I just don't have the time to care about the bullshit going on around me. And my heart is so fucking busy loving you that I don't even have the energy to hate myself. You're my dream, you drown out everything else around me and you make everything better. And I am so, so scared of losing that Lauren. I'm so scared of someone taking this away from me and I don't know how to deal with that."
"How do you expect anyone to ever take me away from you when you say things like that?" Lauren asked, her voice sounding like she wanted to smile but her eyes looking so sad. "I didn't settle for you, Tamsin." she went on after moments of silence, her voice serious again, "I'm not with you just because I'm not with someone else. I'm with you because I want to be with you. And I need you to believe that."
"I do," Tamsin answered hastily.
"No you don't," Lauren said like it was the saddest thing in the world, "if you were you wouldn't be so scared that I'll leave all the time."
"Lau-"
"But that's okay," the shorter girl said nodding, a small teary smile on her face, "that's okay because I'm going to make you believe it. I'm going to make you see that your feelings matter just as much as anyone elses and that to me," she took Tamsin's hand, "your feelings matter more than anyone elses."
Tamsin was going to say something but Lauren's mouth was on hers and she was speaking without words.
Telling Tamsin she mattered, over and over and over again.
Telling her that she was willing to say it until Tamsin believed it.
It had to be done.
Lauren knew from the second she had brushed Tamsin's hair from her eyes as the girl slept that it had to be done.
It was not only the right thing to do, but also the fair thing.
So she had driven Tamsin to work in the evening, talked to Nadia for a bit, then headed to her destination to do what she had to do.
...
It was like this was going to be a permanent thing now, Bo constantly being in a bad mood.
She was yet to recover from her stupid conversation with Tamsin the previous night and it bothered her that she let the other girl get to her so much.
She kept busy in order to keep her mind from playing the talk over and over in her head but it wasn't easy.
So it wasn't much of a surprise when she snapped at whoever decided to knock on her door just when she had given up dealing with shit on her own and was heading to the fridge for a beer.
"What!" She snapped swinging the door open and all her anger faded away when she saw who was on her door step, "Lauren," she breathed out.
Had it only been a week since she'd last seen her? Cause it felt like so much longer.
"Hi," Lauren offered a tiny smile and played with her car keys nervously, "can I come in for a minute."
"Yeah, yeah," Bo moved away from the door, smelling Lauren's vanilla scent as the blond passed her.
"Thanks." She said when she was inside.
Bo nodded and stood against her door.
Lauren was here and she was nervous as fuck.
"Uh, would you like something to drink?"
The blond shook her head.
Bo nodded.
"Uh, we can sit in the living room."
"Okay," Lauren said with a nod and Bo led the way.
The brunette almost offered her a drink again before she remembered that Lauren had already said no to that so she just oddly sat there.
It was so fucking twisted that she didn't know what to say to the girl who she thought about talking to all the time.
"Your place is nice." Lauren said when the silence got uncomfortable, "and clean." the last part sounded almost teasing.
Bo smiled, "I know how to clean."
"Well color me surprised."
"Lauren Lewis I am offended."
LAuren just shrugged like the truth was the truth and bo found herself smiling wider.
And for a moment, it was almost like there wasn't a whole mountain standing between them. Like they were still best friends who knew how to make each other smile.
Then the moment passed and the tension was back, Lauren sighed, "I never thought we would end," she started softly, "I thought, I thought we were the forever kind of people. That we could battle anything, and even after that day, when you- you know- I still thought we'd make it somehow. That you'd go home and you'd think about it and you'd choose me."
"Lauren-" Bo knew exactly where this conversation was heading and she didn't like it.
"I thought we could deal with it," Lauren went on like she hadn't heard the brunette, "I knew that your mom is batshit crazy and that you'd never just do that to me. I knew that with time, we would work through it, all you had to do was come back and choose me. But you didn't, you flaunted your relationship with Dyson in my face every single chance you got."
"I was trying to win you back." Bo said quietly,ashamed.
"By hurting my feelings?" She asked incredulously.
"I'm so sorry."
Lauren shrugged," It doesn't even matter anymore, you intentionally hurt my feelings and now I just can't trust you with them anymore."
"I lo-"
"Relationships are about more than just love, Bo. I have to trust you and right now I just don't."
"You could learn to."
"Bo-"
"You could," she insisted softly, her hand coming to rest on Lauren's knee nervously, " I don't know how to not love you, Lauren. Not even if I tried. I loved you even before I knew what it meant to love someone. You're my everything, Lauren. And I know I fucked up, but I meant every word of what I said to you. I will be anything you need me to be and if right now you need me to be that girl who steps aside and gives you space while you learn to trust her again, that's who I will be."
"Bo you can't-"
"I can, and I will." she said in a voice that left no room for arguments.
Lauren looked her in the eyes, she looked sad, really sad. But there was something different in there too.
Something braver, something stronger.
She patted the hand on her knee and stood up, Okay." She said finally. Her eyes a little brighter than they had been when directed at Bo for a really long time.
And just for that, Bo knew that she could put herself through so much worse.
Suddenly, as if recalling something, Lauren turned back to Bo, "I'm proud of you."
"You are."
Lauren nodded and smiled, "so proud. What you're doing is really brave, Bo and I know things are fucked up between us right now but..." she fiddled a little with her keys, looking for the right words, then she looked back up with a smile, "do you remember those times when we used to talk about you coming out, how I promised I'd be right there by your side?"
Bo nodded, her heart already feeling lighter than it had for months.
"I still intend to keep that promise. We just, we need to relearn our places in each other's lives and things are going to be different because we're not the same people we were last year. We're not even the same people we were last week. But I'm still that girl who promised to be by your side, that hasn't changed. And this space thing, it's not forever. Okay?"
Bo nodded with a smile on her face then realised what she was doing and decided to use her words, "okay."
Lauren chuckled, heading for the door, "I have to go. Bye, Bo."
"Bye." Bo said as she opened the door for her, watching as she walked away and for the first time not feeling like she was having her heart ripped apart at the sight.
This space thing, it's not forever. She knew those words will be echoing in her head for a really long time cause for the first time in what felt like forever, she had hope.