I sift through the small stack of rations we have left, mentally fretting over the amount of food compared to the amount of people and time we had. My eyebrows form a crease on my forehead as I concentrate on trying to neatly line up each individual piece of... God knows what this stuff is. But it's edible and that's what matters.

I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist, I let a small smile hover over my features for a fraction of a second as I remember organizing and reorganizing the medical supplies in my mothers office on the ark. But right now I could care less if the rations were properly stacked or sorted through, but I needed to get my mind off... Well, of everything.

After a couple minutes I decide to give the food a break and move over to the edge of the tent I am in, to see if I can find Madi. I remember how scared I was when Monty told me that she wasn't with them. The feeling was almost as powerful as when I saw Bellamy with her.

I shut my eyes at the thought, as if I can just block it out of my mind. But every time I close my eyes I see them, Bellamy's arms around her as their lips meet. My eyes fly open and my hands begin to fidget as I try to put my mind on anything else. As I try to pretend that I didn't spend 2,199 nights dreaming of what it would be like to be wrapped up in Bellamy's arms, only to finally see him again and watch him do it to someone else.

My heart clenches uncomfortably at the thought. I should've expected this, though. How could I expect him to wait for me, when he didn't even know I was here. He didn't even know I was alive. I try to convince myself that I'm happy for him, I try to tell myself that he deserves this, and it's good; really good, that he moved on in space, and didn't dwell on the girl that he thought was dead.

Yet, no matter how much I tell myself any of that, I can't help but feel as though he came all the way down here to make my heart whole again, then turn around, rip it out, and stomp on it. I know that wasn't his intention, I know that with my whole soul. But that's sure as hell what it feels like.

I lift the flap to the tent slightly, looking around the small camp that Wonkru has set up for themselves. I see Octavia sitting by one of the many fires with Indra, and I feel a pang of sorrow when I think of how I had to explain to Madi earlier, who was practically bubbling with excitement to meet Octavia; basically her hero, that she was much different than how I remembered. That she wasn't the girl from the stories I had told her.

As I continue searching, my eyes flit across Echo. I feel a shockingly strong stab of jealousy when I see her, she's talking to Monty and laughing and smiling along with whatever he's saying. Of course Bellamy chose her. She's beautiful. And although I never had the nicest feelings toward her, I never hated her. All along, even when she was holding a sword to my throat and when Roan banished her and when Bellamy hated her, he's long way from there now, I always saw that she was just as fierce, loyal, and strong as the rest of us. We've all done things we're not proud of. So has she.

And even now, when she's spent the last however many years receiving all the love I wish I could get from Bellamy, I couldn't bring myself to hate her. Hell, I probably couldn't even dislike her if I tried. It's just not in me.

Then I spot Madi, she's sitting by another fire. I am about the step out of the tent and call out to her, when I notice who the figure sitting beside her is. My breath catches in my throat as I recognize Bellamy. Madi is talking to him, a sad expression upon her face. My guess is it's about his sister. I slide back inside the tent, shutting the flap after me. I can't go over there to get Madi. I can't show myself to Bellamy because what if I break?

What if he asks me how I am. What if he senses something's wrong and questions me about it? What if he asks the wrong thing and then I blurt out a stupid answer. He always gets me to talk. Always. So I take a seat on a wooden box and look around at the small interior of the tent I am currently residing in. My eyes fall on the corner of my sketchbook, peeking out from under some of the rations.

I reach across the tent and snatch it up, slowly flipping through the pages, letting a small smile rest easily on my face as I am met with many sketchy drawings of everyone I knew. My mother, Monty, Jasper, Harper, Emori, Murphy, Octavia, Lincoln, Kane, Madi, Bellamy. I trace my hand across the charcoal version of Bellamy Blake, sadness filling my chest as I think about the fact that he's less than twenty feet away from me, yet I can't even touch him. Because he's not mine to touch.

Before I can even think about what's happening, I watch a teardrop slip onto the piece of paper, soaking into the top of Bellamy's head. I sniff and quickly wipe my eye. I take a deep breath before continuing to flip through the pages. I'm not crying over him. Not anymore. I try not to think of how perfect everything felt when Bellamy came rushing into my cell a couple days ago.

Up until that moment, I honestly didn't know if anything that had previously happened was real. But then, there he was, clear as day. I remember him pulling me up and feeling his arms around me and everything just felt so right. He was here. He was alive.

"And now you're home," I had said, tears building quickly in my eyes. Even if he had no idea, I knew very well when those words came out of my mouth that I didn't mean here, on the ground, on Earth, when I said home. I meant with me. I meant he was home because somewhere in my naive head I had thought just because he was my home, that I was his. I thought wrong.

My hand stops flipping when something catches my eye. A piece of crumbling, stained paper shoved in between a couple of pages in the book. I reach toward it, slowly removing the fragile piece of paper. It was the drawing of Bellamy I had done before Praimfaya. Before I knew I wasn't going to see him for five years. I didn't do this drawing so I could remember his face. But I hated thinking about the reason that I did.

I smile sadly at the sketch in my hands. My eyes trace the lines of his face and I silently praise myself on the amount of detail I had put into this. I had captured every one of his freckles, every small curl in his hair, I had even managed to give him that sarcastic smirk that I had missed so much while he was on the ring.

I swallow the lump in my throat and clear it before placing the picture back in between some drawings, and tossing the book down on the rations. I then make my way over to my makeshift bed before collapsing into it. I close my eyes and try not to picture him. Obviously not hard enough.

Because as soon as my eyes flutter shut, I see his face. I try not to picture his smile, a genuine one that I don't get to see that often. I try not to hear his laugh, the one I missed so much. I try not to imagine his lips against mine like I have for the past six years as I lay awake at night staring at the stars. Knowing I was completely and utterly alone.

Stupid girl. I scold myself for thinking of Bellamy that way. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He's with Echo now. And he's happy. They're happy. And I wasn't going to let my naive sense of hope I had been carrying around with me for years ruin that. I was going to forget that I had spent the last six years processing my emotions for someone who was forgetting his for me. Because now he loves her.

And I'm not her.

. . .

okay so this is part two, i'm probably going to make this a three parter, if not four, because i really like this but i don't feel like i could make a whole book out of it. i hope you guys enjoyed!