Every single thing I had to give, I gave to this chapter so don't hold back on telling me what you think.
This is my thank you and apology all rolled into one, hopefully, it's good enough.
Chapter 18 Part I.
She wondered sometimes, if at any point it would tone down.
If the fleet of aeroplanes crashing into each other repeatedly in her stomach would ever tone down to just normal butterflies flattering around
But then those brown eyes would roll back and her name would be sighed out in the purest of ways. Soft hands holding onto her like she's a lifeline, like letting go would mean something worse than death itself, and she'd know that it would never happen.
They're not the butterflies kind of people.
What they have is too intense for that.
/
(Eleven weeks ago)
Numerous things happened on the day Bo Dennis was to give Lauren Lewis the letter that she knew would break her heart. A letter that had been burning holes in her pocket since it'd been given to her that morning. A letter that she had tried returning to it's owner because it was pure bullshit for Tamsin to put her on the spot with Lauren like that. She hadn't succeeded in that mission though, seeing as Tamsin had already left town.
Numerous things happened on the day Bo Dennis was to give Lauren Lewis her letter.
But honestly, only three of those things matter.
...
She'd been drinking and staring at Lauren's letter when someone knocked on her door.
At first, she wanted to ignore it. She had enough to deal with without having to deal with people too. But then she thought maybe it was Tamsin, maybe she'd come back and she had changed her mind.
That thought made Bo's heart fall and feel relieved both at the same time for reasons she really wasn't sober enough to ponder about.
It wasn't Tamsin on the other side of the door though, it was Aife.
And if Bo wasn't sober enough to deal with all the stupid emotions Tamsin brought to surface, then she really, really wasn't in the state of mind to deal with Aife and all that came with her.
"I thought I told you not to visit me." It was the first words that came to her mind and her filter just wasn't working at that moment.
And even if t had been, she had enough of hiding her truths just to please Aife, she was past that.
"Glad to see you still have your manners, Ysabeu."
Aife walked past her like she owned the place, which she technically did. It was the only reason Bo wasn't throwing her out at that moment.
The older woman looked around the house, not bothering to hide her contempt, "so this is why you moved out? So you could turn into an alcoholic?" She asked, looking at the bottles of beer on the table.
"Yes mother, that's exactly why I moved out. And if you could hurry things along, I'd appreciate it, I have an orgy scheduled at six and I'm afraid I can't cancel."
Aife sniffed, repulsion seeping from every part of her being. She looked at Bo like she was the most disgusting thing in the world, "Your father is coming home 's been asking about you, why you aren't home."
That made Bo's heart stop for a second.
She could pretend in front of Aife all she wanted that the woman's rejection didn't phase her, but it hurt her in ways she had come to understand she would never get over. It's the worst thing on earth, to be rejected by someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally.
But she still held on to some sort of hope. She still told herself that she had her father. She had his love and he hadn't taken that from her yet. It gave her sleepless nights, more than she could admit, to think that when she would tell him, he'd look at her just like Aife was looking at her.
Like he didn't know her anymore, like she wasn't someone he wanted to know.
And that scared the fuck out of her.
Because once she looses his love, she'd have lost everything.
"what-" she cursed her voice when it cracked, "what'd you tell him?"
"That your going through a rebellious phase, that you'll get over it soon." Aife's voice sounded hopeful. She still hoped her child would come back home, normal and back to her little girl, the one who did what was expected of her and was well on her way to marrying that nice Thornwood boy.
Bo scoffed, "of course."
"What did you want me to tell him, Ysabeu? That his only daughter has turned into some deranged pervert? I'm not going to be the one to do that, you want to live this- this life. You tell him yourself. Look him in the eye and tell him just what you've become."
"What I've become? I didn't become anything! This is who I am! This is- wait, you know what, fuck this. Leave."
"What?"
"Leave. I'm not doing this two steps forward, ten steps back game with you. I'm not going to let you control me anymore. I'll talk to Daddy when he comes, but right now, I have important shit to do so I want you to get the hell out of my house."
"Can you really not see what this lifestyle is making you become?"
"Of course I can," she said as calmly as she possibly could, "I'm becoming strong, I'm becoming someone who can stand up for herself, someone you can't string like some sort of puppet. II'm becoming someone I actually like and as much as I hate to admit this, I'm really sorry you can't see that."
"Ysabeu-"
"Could you please the door behind you when you leave? Thanks."
/
It doesn't make sense.
That it burnt, beautifully, doesn't make sense.
But that's what it felt like to be touched when she's pretending to be asleep after hours and hours of watching Lauren come undone with her fingers inside her.
She knew she won't be touched unless she pretends to be asleep. She knew she'll also be touched when she does sleep for that would mean missing these touches.
Missing the softness of the finger that placed her hair behind her ears and the chasteness of the kiss that's placed on her shoulders. And that scared her.
It scared her to death that she would miss these touches because she was stupid enough to sleep.
So she didn't sleep, she pretended to, because pretend was a game she was great at.
And later, when Lauren was asleep and it was her turn to stare, she tried to not even blink.
She tried to make every moment count.
Because who knew how much more of them she'd be given before they're taken away again.
...
/
(Eleven weeks ago)
She wasn't going to catch a break. It was evident now and she knew it would do her well to reconcile herself with that fact and just deal with it.
It was like the world just kept throwing and throwing and throwing things at her and no one even took the time to tell her how to deal with it without feeling so overwhelmed that at some point she was certain her mind was going to just shut down.
It was like finding her way through a landmine in the middle of a storm and it really, really sucked.
"So what's in the letter?"
"I told you Vex, I haven't read it and I'm not going to. It's none of my business."
"Then take it to her."
"I will."
"When?"
"Today, okay? I just need to drink without you asking me questions every five minutes then I'll go."
"So you're going to turn up there drunk?"
"Vex-"
"I'm just asking Kiddo. I mean, you're trying to win this girl back or something, you have a letter from her girl friend, or now ex girlfriend or whatever, who by the way used to be your best friend, who has skipped town for reasons you won't tell me and you're going to turn up with said letter while drunk off your ass? You have to admit Kiddo, this is some fucked up shit."
"I just- I don't know how to look at her and see her heart breaking, Vex."
"And that's why you're drinking?"
That and the fact that Aife had gotten under her skin in the worst of ways but she wasn't going to mention that to Vex.
"Yeah. I just need some liquid courage."
...
"Bo?"
She looked up from her drink. Blinked, then blinked again.
Fuck!
"Dyson, Ciara. Hi"
"Hey," Dyson said, a look in his eyes Bo couldn't register. Possibly because she was drunk, but probably because she wasn't really familiar with it, she had never seen him look at her that way before, "didn't expect to see you here."
"It's my cousin's bar." She said carelessly.
Really though, she's the one who'd brought him here the first time. He knew it was one of her favorite places to hang out.
"So, you alone?"
"Yep. Why?"
"Hmm, thought you'd be here with someone is all."
She arched a brow, the fuck was he talking about? "Someone?"
"Forget it, it's nothing," he said with an easy smile that didn't really reach his eyes, "my mom and your mom talk, a lot. I just hear things and I start getting ideas but..I probably heard wrong. We'll leave you to your drink now."
Then he took Ciara's hand and they walked away leaving Bo rolling his words in her head.
'my mom and your mom talk' what the hell was that supposed to mean. Had Aife told Mrs. Thornwood about Bo's 'phase'?
Did Dyson know now, and Ciara, and all their friends and people in town and fuck it she was going to have a nervous break down.
"Are you okay, Kiddo?"
"What? Uh-yeah-yeah. Do you think I could maybe have something stronger than beer. Whisky maybe?"
She needed to not think.
Lauren, her dad, the possibility of being outed and people talking about her, thinking they have her all figured out when she herself doesn't even know who exactly she is.
She just- she needed a minute to forget.
Just a minute, she'd take the letter to Lauren after that.
...
/
She doesn't expect to find her there in the morning, she never does.
But still, when she stretched her hand and came into contact with cold sheets instead of a warm body, she felt the knife that's been stuck in her heart for so long now twist. She felt her eyes sting and her lungs momentarily refuse to take in air.
She smiled, watery and excruciatingly sad. How fucked up does your life have to be so that you wake up with tears in your eyes each morning?
How fucked up are you when you know not only exactly how to stop the tears, but also that you'll never do it.
That you'd rather wake up crying each and every single day for the rest of eternity than to loose a few minutes of utter and complete ecstasy.
...
/
(Eleven weeks ago)
It was past ten, almost eleven really, when Bo finally turned up at Lauren's, drunk.
She had contemplated not coming. Going home and sleeping the alcohol away then turning up tomorrow, sober mind. But then she'd recalled that tomorrow her dad was coming back and she probably wouldn't be in the right frame of mind to do this. Not that she was in the right frame of mind now anyway.
Also, it felt wrong, in some way, to go to sleep with Lauren's letter in her possession. And the thing felt heavy in her pocket. She didn't want to be in possession of it anymore.
"Bo?"
The door was answered on the first knock, Lauren sounded like she had been expecting someone else. But Bo refused to dwell on that.
"Yeah- uh, hi."
God, how the fuck had it slipped her mind that the last time she was near Lauren, she had kissed her? That the last time she had kissed Lauren, the blond had run away. That things- at best- were strained between them and Lauren probably didn't want to see her.
That every time she was near Lauren, the urge to touch her almost drove her insane.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I just, " she pulled the letter out, "this is for you. From Tamsin."
There was silence for a moment. An uncomfortable one in which Lauren looked at Bo like she couldn't really see her and Bo extended the letter, her hands trembling, wanting the letter to just not be her responsibility anymore. Needing Lauren's heart to not break right now because she wasn't sure she'd know what to do but she was certain she'd have to do something because this was Lauren.
She couldn't watch her heart break-again-and do nothing about it.
Then, "oh," that's it.
That's all she said, 'Oh'
To say that was unexpected would be the understatement of the millennium.
She waited a minute, maybe she was going to say something else. But nothing came, and just standing there, looking at each other, waiting for the other person to do something got awkward.
"Right, uh- I'm gonna go now?"
It was a question. She didn't think Lauren would want her to stay, she didn't want to assume or push anything.
"Okay. Are you sure you're okay? You're kinda wobbly." She held the letter on one hand, her curious eyes on Bo and she was confusing the hell out of the brunette.
This, this isn't how she had expected this to go at all.
"I'm okay," Bo assured. And because the universe was against her, she lost her step and almost fell.
Lauren was by her side in a second, "come on." she helped her stand straight then led her into the house.
...
When after giving her a bottle of water and some aspirins for later Lauren came back from her room with a pillow and blankets, Bo arched a brow.
"You can't drive or walk anywhere right now. I don't have anyone who I can call to come get you and I- I can't, I can't drive you myself." It was the first time she had shown any signs that she was hurting since that 'oh'
Bo wished she would scream or yell or cry or something. She didn't know how to help when Lauren wasn't showing anything.
"Okay."
She agreed without a argument. She figured this was Lauren's way of asking her to stay without really asking her to stay. Or at least she hoped it was.
She wanted to say something right. It seemed like a moment to say something comforting. Something in the lines of it's okay to break down, something to show that she'd pick up the pieces, no questions asked.
She'd be who Lauren needed her to be.
But try as she would, the words just wouldn't come.
"Good night, Bo."
I'm here if you need me, she wanted to say, "good night Lauren. Thanks for letting me crash here tonight." she said instead.
The bitter taste of regret settled in her mouth as soon as the words were uttered.
...
It was past midnight when the first bout came and it was an actual fucking miracle that she managed to get to the toilet before it spewed out.
She didn't even flinch when minutes later, she felt her hair being pulled back and her back, although tentatively at first, being rubbed in slow soothing motions.
It was after about five whole minutes that she managed to sit back, head on the wall, chest heaving.
Lauren stood up and brought a glass of water from the sink, "feeling better?" she asked sitting right across Bo.
"Yeah," she panted out. It felt like she had run a marathon then retched out the entire contents of her stomach plus the intestines and shit, she felt disgusting.
"Good." Lauren nodded and laid her head on the wall, eyes looking up.
That's when Bo noticed they were red. Not the sleeping kind, the crying kind. Her whole face looked like she'd been crying, she looked tired and worn out.
She wanted to be comforting. To get back the chance to say the right thing that she had missed earlier. To be there for Lauren.
"I'm sorry, about Tamsin I mean."
"I don't want to talk about it." Lauren answered, not looking at the brunette.
"Okay." she said quietly.
They stayed in silence, waiting to see of Bo vomits again, she didn't. The silence was uncomfortable. It allowed too much time to think, too much time to acknowledge that the rift between them was huge although their knees were so close Bo could feel electricity dangerously playing between them.
"I'm sorry I- " kissed you at the town festival? That would be a lie. She was nowhere near sorry for that- "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable the other day. I didn't mean to."
"I don't want to talk about that either."
"Okay."
...
/
There were bags under her eyes from nights of pretending to sleep. Her skin looked unhealthy, probably due to the lack of sleep and the fact that she woke up with a hangover at least three times a week.
(On the nights when Lauren doesn't come over, she knows how to do nothing else but drink.)
But probably the most amazing thing about all this, is that underneath it all, her eyes were shinning so fucking bright that she could not stop looking at them.
She was hurting and she was broken and there were pieces of her everywhere she looked and she was too tired to even try and figure out what the fuck goes where in order to be whole again. And she was so, so exhausted; but her eyes were shinning.
Bright and alive.
And every time a memory of Lauren letting go with her comes to mind, they shined even brighter.
And she knew this would be the death of her, literally. Whatever the fuck it was she was doing was more unhealthy than having a drug addiction.
But fuck her if she cared one single bit.
/
(Nine weeks ago)
She hadn't seen her father or Lauren in two weeks.
She was avoiding her father, and Lauren was avoiding her.
On the morning after she had spent the night over, Bo found a cup of coffee and a note telling her to lock the door when she leaves and leave the key under the mat, and that was it.
She hadn't seen Lauren after that and after her first three texts had gone unanswered, she had stopped trying to reach her.
She hadn't given up, that would never happen, but she had figured that Lauren probably needed space and it was only fair to give her that. It was hard, but she had promised to be anything Lauren needed and she wasn't going to break that promise.
Her father on the other hand, was another matter all together.
She scheduled and rescheduled meetings with him. She turned off her phone when he called and she was conveniently never home when he wanted to come over.
She just couldn't find her big girl pants, put them on, and deal with him. She didn't want to. Not really.
When he finally showed up on a Saturday and two weeks of her avoiding him, she knew it was time, it had to be done.
...
She forgot for a minute, why she had been avoiding him for so long.
He was her father.
The man who had taught her to ride a bicycle and who carried her on his shoulder so that she can place a star on the Christmas tree till she was nine. He was the man with the easy smile and easy laugh and who made sure she knew he loved her with the fury of a thousand galaxies.
She cried when she hugged him.
"Princess," he soothed, smoothing her hair on her head, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she hiccuped, holding him tighter and committing the way he smelt like tobacco and after shave to her mind, just in case it was the last time she'll ever get to have her arms around him, "I missed you, 's all."
He laughed, full bellied and strong, like he used to when she sang her nursery rhymes wrong, his eyes smiling and looking at her like she was simply wonderful, she held on even tighter, squeezing him, "princess."
"I'm gay, daddy," it got out before she had a chance to arrange the words in her head, "I'm gay and I need you to say you love me anyway, please."
"Ysabeu-"
"Please," she didn't let go, "you don't even have to mean it, just-please dad."
"Ysabeu-"
"Love me anyway because I can't not love her. I don't want to, I don't know how to."
He moved away from her grip, looked into her pleading eyes like he didn't know what to do or what to say or how to feel.
Like he didn't know anything anymore.
Then he left.
And she wished- god she wished he'd yelled or screamed or something. She wished he had done anything but look at her with blank eyes.
...
/
She was selfish.
She knew it, so don't even think she didn't
It ate at her every minute of every single day.
She should put a stop to this, she started it and she should stop it. But she didn't know how and even if she did she wouldn't be able to.
This- this is all she had.
The held in moans, and the soft sighs, the empty bed in the morning and the pretend sleep. The soft finger caresses- it's all she had and she didn't want to give it up.
There's something better out there, she knew it. But if something better meant someone else then something better could go hang.
She didn't want it
...
/
(Eight weeks ago)
She's the one who sort her out.
It had been three weeks and she was worried and her father wasn't picking her calls and Dyson was giving her these looks whenever they were around each other and people were whispering all around her and everything was happening so fast and all at once and she needed her.
So she sort her out.
Lauren didn't ask any questions and didn't offer any explanations either.
Bo was okay with that. She just needed her. She didn't need to speak or do whatever, she just needed to exist, she just needed to remind Bo that there was a reason she was going through this. That was all,it was enough.
It was.
...
/
"Small Town! Open the fuck up!"
Bo sighed as she walked to the door, avoiding it would mean she wants it broken down, and she really didn't.
"What the fuck, Rabble! It's like eight in the morning."
The Blue haired girl rolled her eyes and walked into the place like she owned it, " Is it just me or did I see Trouble leaving this place earlier?"
"Rabble-"
"You said you'll stop. Remember you freaking idiot? I told you this is a fucking bad idea and I told you to stop and you promised me you will."
"I can't."
"Fuck that noise. You can, but you won't and you're an idiot."
"I love her."
"Then fucking show her! Tell her! Don't turn into her continuous booty call. Don't turn her into a sex-crutch that you use because you don't want to deal with your shit because that's freakishly unhealthy, Small Town and you know it."
"This is the only part of her I have, okay! It's all I have and I can't give it up because I can't go back to having nothing, Rabble. Why don't get that?"
"It's the only part of her you have because it's the only one you've asked for you fool. Why won't you get that?"
...
/
(Five weeks ago)
Ciara, and not Dyson started it.
And maybe it hurt more because of that. Because it made sure that she was aware just how many people knew of it.
"Would you please move, I don't want to catch your gay."
It was one sentence, ten words, and yet it just- it brought Bo's world to a standstill.
Dyson was standing beside her, looking like a mixture of pride and embarrassment, other people were looking at her oddly, like they'd 'catch her gay' if they looked her in the eyes. And she had never felt so humiliated in her life.
It was like she was in a nightmare and she expected to wake up anytime now but she knew she wouldn't. This was it. It was out, she'd been outed.
She didn't have Lauren, she didn't have her parents, she didn't have anything other than people's judgmental looks and the lack of strength to deal with it all.
She'd thought she'd at least have the time to learn how to not care about the looks, to tell people herself in her own time. To come to terms with people she had grown up being adored by, looking at her differently.
"Would you please move, I don't want to catch your gay."
She'd grown up with this girl.
They'd had sleepovers before Lauren became all Bo could see. They were on the same cheer leading team at one point in middle school and she'd been the first person Ciara had told when she liked Kyle Brown and she had stayed on the phone with her for hours when he'd kissed her on the cheek. And for Bo's sixth birthday, Ciara had had so much cake her stomach ached and Bo had stayed up for a great part of the night with her because she couldn't sleep and was afraid of monsters.
They were friends.
Once.
They were friends once, and now she didn't want to catch her gay.
...
She didn't cry.
Not until she opened her door hours after getting home and saw a concerned Lauren looking at her, and suddenly her just existing wasn't enough anymore.
She needed more. She needed to feel. She needed to feel not wrong and only Lauren could do that for her.
"Are you okay?"
Lauren asked once she was inside.
Bo looked at her, really looked at her, and took in a huge breath, "kiss me." Two words, simple and clear, no faltering, no beating around the bush just, "kiss me."
"What?"
She was asking for reasons as to why Bo would ask that of her. But she couldn't handle them right now, even Bo herself couldn't handle them right now. Her world was coming undone, rapidly. Every single person was rejecting her and she just needed one person not to. She needed to feel something different, she needed to not feel like she's dying.
"It doesn't have to mean anything," she said wiping her tears away, "just- please- kiss me."
And she did.
...