18 part II
Bo Dennis has made a lot of mistakes in her life.
When she was twelve, she almost blew her mom's kitchen up while baking Lauren a birthday cake. She was grounded for two weeks for that little stunt, but considering she had almost committed arson, two weeks wasn't so bad.
When she was thirteen, she forgot her necklace that Trick gave her at a party. Only, she couldn't remember which party 'cause she had attended so many of them that weekend. She'd dragged Lauren around town that Monday, looking for a replica and when she couldn't find one, settled for something that kinda, sorta, resembled it. Trick knew it was a fake the minute he saw it; that "necklace was a family heirloom."
She and Lauren spent almost the entire summer asking around for it. They even put up fliers and everything (Lauren's idea) they never did find it. And Aife said Bo isn't to be given any more important family heirlooms till she learns how to be responsible which might as well be when she's fifty.
But those were small mistakes. They could be explained away, forgiven easily. Unlike when she had Lauren's heart in her hands and shattered it. Yeah, that was stupid as all actual shits. Or, when she kissed Lauren at the festival when they were supposed to be giving each other space, relearning their places in each other's worlds, that wasn't so smart either.
Or - or- when she repeatedly had sex with Lauren although she knew and had been told by Rabble more times than she could fucking count that it was the mother of bad ideas, that really wasn't smart at all.
But usually, Bo didn't make mistake after mistake, after mistake, not on the very same day at least.
Usually, she made one a day, at most two. But that- that was before today.
...
In her defense, and this is not an excuse, it wasn't entirely Bo's fault, that she made multiple mistakes on the same day.
It was Rabble's, or her father's, or Dyson's, or Vex's or all of them combined into one ball of blame that Bo wasn't entirely sure how to place.
It all started when Rabble suggested they go out and find something to do, "like a party." She said.
Bo sighed, it was too early for this shit and she was tired no-exhausted and she really didn't need to deal with people right now. She didn't even want to.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Rabble."
"Well, you're one to talk about bad ideas with how you've been-"
"Rabble!"
"Sorry," the girl sighed and moved from her seat to sit next to Bo, "I'm sorry," she repeated, actually sounding genuine which was a miracle in itself even to Bo who'd known Rabble for just a few weeks, the girl didn't really do apologies, "I just hate seeing you like this."
"I hate feeling like this, so welcome to the club." Bo gave a self depreciating smile.
Rabble sighed, "let's just go out, Small Town, get you out of your depression for a while you know."
"There's nowhere to go. I'm the big bad gay, remember? Pretty sure there're people with pitch forks just waiting to stab the gay out of me the minute I walk out of the door."
"Fuck them," Rabble retorted, getting up and walking towards Bo's bedroom only to come back minutes later with fresh clothes, "who cares what they think? Let's go to your cousin's bar and get shit faced and be fucking teenagers and make bad decisions. And if anyone so much as thinks of thinking of saying shit to you, I'll fucking kill them."
That made Bo laugh despite of herself. Rabble was tiny. It was almost comical to think of her killing anyone.
Still, she appreciated this. A lot. And in show of that, she got up and got ready without further protest.
First mistake of the day.
...
The Thing about Vex's club was that no matter what time of day you showed up there, you were almost always guaranteed to find people.
Drinking.
Making out.
Playing pool.
The place was almost always alive. Bo both loved and hated it. Sometimes she didn't want people. More often these days when her thoughts were constantly pulled every which way and she felt like she was drowning and desperately needed to breathe.
And sometimes she needed people around. She needed the constant noise and the life. She needed to be taken out of her mind for just a while.
Today fell in the latter category.
"Kid!" Vex yelled, loud and happy, messing with her hair like she was three, "what brings you around?"
"I missed your stupid self."
"Shut up," he laughed and threw his arm around her, then his eyes landed on the Blue haired girl, "and who is this fine piece of-"
"I'm seventeen you creep." Rabble cut him off. Bo laughed, Vex arched a brow, "this is an over twenty one club."
"I'm Twenty two then."
"I thought you were seventeen?"
"That was then," Rabble shrugged, "this is now. We'll have the best of whatever you have to offer."
Vex just laughed and led them to the bar.
...
If you think about it, Vex was actually a really shit cousin. It's mostly why the Great Family didn't associate with him.
He made questionable decisions about everything. He gave Bo her first cigarette when she was eight. He used to show her porn before she even had one sex-ed class. He was all round the very definition of bad influence.
But Bo knew there was no one else on earth she could turn to when she needed brutal honesty. Well, there was Rabble now, but Vex stabbed her with honesty then soothed the wound a bit with alcohol, and that was something she had come to really appreciate.
"So, you're wallowing in your self pity now?"
"I'm not wallowing, okay? I'm not."
"She's wallowing." Rabble offered with a dismissive hand flick. They'd just finished telling Vex of Bo's coming out story and how she had subsequently locked herself in the house and refused to get out no matter what. Only opening the door to invite her booty call ex- best friend, ex- girl friend.
Man, this shit was complicated.
"Are you ashamed of who you are?"
"No."
"Then why are you hiding?" Vex seemed like he genuinely wanted to understand. Bo drowned the rest of her drink and poured herself another.
"It's just really hard." She said finally, it seemed hallow and whiny, even to her. But it was the truth. It was really hard. She had no family left and and as much as she would have loved to say otherwise, as much as she was deluding herself into believing otherwise, she had no Lauren left either.
She had bits and parts of Lauren. Bits and parts that she was holding on to as tightly as she could, but bits and parts nonetheless.
And they just weren't enough.
"Everything worth anything is hard to come by, Kiddo. You appreciate it more that way."
Bo sighed, she got that. She really did. But just how fucking hard did it really have to be? How much did it have to break her before she finally got what she wanted?
Was it worth having if she's not even the same person once she actually has it?
"You have to stop hiding, Kid, " Vex's voice had something in it that she'd never heard before, like he wasn't just saying this, like he'd lived it "you've come too far to take that kind of bullshit. There's nothing wrong with who you are and the people who can't see that can go hang. You don't hide who you are to make anyone happy, you hear me?"
She could only nod.
...
They left Vex's at around three, a little tipsy, but not drunk. Rabble had said something about them being nomads or something today, not staying in one place.
It had sounded like an okay idea to Bo.
Second mistake of the day.
She didn't know how they got to the store. It had everything to do with Rabble's need to constantly be eating and her complete belief that she'll actually die if she wasn't.
"I'll only be a sec, I just need chips or something." She said as she rushed to the store, leaving Bo outside.
It was an okay day, now that she took her time to look at it. She thought of Lauren, what she was doing, she lived for days like these. Going out to collect things for her never ending experiments. Going out for coffee and people watching; "You see more of people when they don't know anyone's watching them" she'd always say.
Bo hadn't cared much for people watching. She didn't want to see these people, she wanted to see Lauren and as long as she got to do that, she was cool with anything.
She missed those days. When she had all of Lauren. When the blonde let her into her mind and shared things with her. When she didn't have to pretend to be asleep just so Lauren would touch her.
She ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. This day, according to Rabble anyway, was for her to put things into perspective. To not think of Lauren and where they are but of where they could be. It was for her to remember how to be normal because before she could be that, she couldn't give Lauren that.
And god, she wanted to give Lauren something normal.
Just for once. Because even on their best days, their relationship had never even approached normal. What with Aife and fake boy friends? Honestly, normal and their relationship didn't even exist in the same damn planet.
And she wanted to change that.
She really did.
She'd thought they'd get that when they go to the city. Clean slate, fresh start, normal.
But then that had gone to flames and now this was all she had and she had to make it work.
She had to.
"Pri- Bo?"
Her head snapped up. Her thoughts came to halt, "daddy?"
He seemed more uncomfortable than she felt. Of all the people to run into in this town.
God, Karma really is a bitch.
"Hi." He said, his voice almost emotionless.
Almost.
The thing is, Bo knew her father. She'd known him all her life. Not as well as she would have liked to, but well enough. She knew how he liked his coffee, his favourite drink, his favourite shoes and what he sounds like when he's trying to hide something.
How he looks like when he's feeling guilty.
Like that time when he promised to attend her recital but didn't. He'd tried excusing it, that he was busy making money and "the bills won't pay themselves, Princess."But his eyes wouldn't look into hers and his hands kept balling up and relaxing in quick intervals.
Much like they were doing now.
For whatever reason, he felt guilty. A lot. And he was trying to hide it, "you're out shopping?"
"Yeah- uh- I'm waiting for a friend."
"A friend?"
It took her a second to register then she blushed, "just a friend, daddy."
"Okay." He nodded and looked around. It broke Bo's heart that they were acting like strangers now. That just because she'll one day bring a girl home and not a boy, eighteen years of history was forgotten. She wasn't his princess anymore because princesses bring home Prince Charming. Not other princesses.
"Well," he broke the silence, "you have a nice day now." He started walking to his car. And she almost let him. But then, what had Vex said; you've come too far to take that kind of bullshit. And she had. She had come so very far to just let herself be judged without standing up for herself.
She wasn't doing this anymore.
She wasn't hiding anymore.
(You don't hide who you are to make anyone happy)
"Dad," she called, stopping him in his tracks. He turned around, his hands now a permanent fist, "can we- can we at least talk about it?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, Ysabeu."
"But I need to know. I need to understand how you have this- off switch? Is that it? Do you just decide to not love me anymore because I displeased you."
"This isn't the place."
"Well, you won't pick my calls so I have no right to be choosy, do I?"
He sighed, "get in the car."
"What?"
"Get in the car." He motioned to his car.
She looked to the store where Rabble was, she considered not going. She was ready for this, she craved this, she needed to know. But if felt like too giant a leap for just one day.
But then, she didn't really think she'll get another opportunity. It was now or never. She sent Rabble a text telling her she's left to take care of something. Asking her to please not how wire her car. Apologizing for leaving like this but she has to do this. It's important.
Then she walked to her father's car.
Mistake number three.
...
Bo learnt every single thing she knew about coffee from her father.
From how it's made to how it's taken. Aife used to laugh fondly while watching the two of them have coffee side by side, she called it endearingly disturbing.
Sitting there with her father. In an almost empty coffee house, two towns from home, it registered to Bo's mind that it had been a while since she thought of fond memories of the three of them.
It's like her mind consciously locked them away to make her hurt less. Just a little.
She took a sip of her coffee just when her father took his. Closed her eyes for the exact same amount of time and her lips twitched when she saw his twitch when they both opened her eyes. For a moment, it felt like she was twelve again, drinking coffee behind her mom's back and having something that was just her father's and hers.
But then his smile vanished and the moment ended.
She remembered she wasn't twelve anymore. And instead of her and her father keeping secrets, her and Aife were keeping secrets. Secrets that were too heavy and Bo didn't feel like carrying anymore.
"When did you know?" He asked, his voice quiet.
"Years ago. I- I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't." She wasn't going to bring her mother into this, not just yet, "I tried to fight it, dad. I really did. But it's- it's who I am and I have to be who I am. You've always taught me that."
"I know," he stared into his coffee like it held answers he didn't know yet, "I apologize for how I've been acting. I just- I didn't expect this, Ysabeu. And when you told me, I didn't know what or how to feel. Feelings are more of your mother's thing, you know." He tired for a smile at the end. It didn't reach his eyes but Bo still appreciated it.
"Yeah."
"Does your mother know?" His voice was back to being quiet. He knew what she was going to say, he just didn't want to hear it.
"Yes."
"It's why you moved out, isn't it?"
She nodded and started stirring her coffee. More to keep herself busy than anything else.
"How long?"
"I don't-"
"How long has she known, Ysabeu?"
"A few years."
"Years?"
"Dad-"
He put his palm up, "this isn't about her." He said calmly, "so this girl, the one you can't not love, she uh- she treats you well?"
Bo smiled. She didn't even force it or think about it, she just smiled, "yes."
He nodded. "Good. This- this will take me a while to come to terms to, Ysabeu. Maybe longer than a while, but you're my daughter, my only child, and I can't not love you. Okay? Not even if I tried."
She nodded, biting back tears because her father hated it when she cried, "okay-" she nodded again, "okay."
...
Rabble's waiting for Bo when Daniel dropped her off at the store. He looked at the Blue haired girl curiously, "that's not her." Bo told him around a laugh.
She wanted to tell him that he knew the girl she loved perfectly well, but they were taking baby steps. They were trying to make this work slowly and she wasn't going to push things on him.
"So, " Rabble couldn't hide her curiosity as they watched Bo's dad's car speed away, "I take it that went well."
"It went okay," Bo said with a shrug. Risking involuntary amputation by reaching into the packet of crisps and taking a handful, Rabble wasn't one for sharing food.
"Okay? That seemed more than okay to me, Small Town!"
"I just don't want to get my hopes up. He's still coming to terms with it. Anything could happen."
"Yeah, and anything includes him seeing that there's nothing to come to terms to with. That you're still his daughter just that now you have zero chances of coming home with an unplanned pregnancy. Small Victories, Small Town, learn to take them."
Bo burst out laughing at that. And kept laughing as Rabble messed with her phone. Claiming that this was something worth getting shit faced over and she had just the thing.
Mistake number four.
...
For someone who'd been in town for such a short time, Rabble knew a lot of people.
Turns out the it place to celebrate Bo's small victory was Ryan's pool party. Bo knew Ryan, they weren't really friends, but some of their friends were friends and Ryan was Hale's other best friend other than Dyson and that meant Bo saw a lot of him.
At one point, Ryan had had a weird obsession with her. But then he'd gotten down with the Mila twins and ended up dating the older one who was just as much a jerk as he was and his obsession with her died a natural death.
On any other day, she would have loved to be here.
But any other day involved a day before she was outed to the whole entire town and a day when her ex- boy friend and his stupid blonde girl friend weren't part of the crowd at the party.
Today wasn't any other day. Not by a long shot.
"Oh come on, Small Town, I worked really hard to score these invites and I want to reap the benefits. Besides, you need to show these jerks that they can't put you down. That you'll come back up every fucking time."
"Rabble-"
"No hiding, remember?"
( Don't hide who you are to make anyone happy)
"Okay," she took in a huge breath, "but if this goes to shit-"
"I'm cutting bitches." Rabble said resolutely.
Like there's no question to it.
...
She should have known. Well, she knew, but she should have anticipated it.
It's just- Rabble was being so Rabble. Loud, obnoxious and 'from L.A baby!' She was maneuvering them around the party like she was the hostess. Getting them drinks and having them invited to games and for a moment, Bo thought it wouldn't suck so much.
And she shouldn't have been so pessimistic.
But really, she should have known better.
"If it isn't Gay Dennis in the flesh." Ciara's haughty voice said from somewhere behind them, Bo froze, "you know, I don't know what revolts me more. You in general, or the nerve you have showing up here with your- disease.."
Bo didn't know what to say. Once upon a time she would have already shredded Ciara to pieces. But this wasn't once upon a time. This was today. And today- today Bo didn't know what to say.
But Rabble did. Which really wasn't a surprise because Rabble always knew what to say.
"You know, for someone who's about to be brutally fucking murdered, you talk a whole lot."
Ciara turned to her, "and who are-"
"I'm the person who's going to cut your plastic looking face if you don't step back and shut your fucking mouth."
Ciara snorted, "you think I'm afraid of you?"
"No honey, I know you're not. And you know how I know, because I now you're fucking stupid, stupid enough to think I won't end you if you don't walk away right fucking now."
She tried to hide it, but Ciara was afraid, they didn't really make them like Rabble in this town, she grabbed Dyson's hand, "I have better places to be anyway."
Rabble watched her walk away with a scowl, she turned to the people around, "anyone else have any stupid opinions to voice and subsequently have their faces decorated by my favourite razor blade?" Everyone kept quiet, "anyone?" she asked again, they turned away, "I didn't think so." She grabbed Bo's hand, "let's go. I'm sure there's better things to do than hang out with bloody homophobes."
...
"I'm sorry," Rabble said after minutes of silence between them.
She threw her cigarette butt down and angrily stomped on it.
"For what?"
"What do you mean for what? I promised you-"
"You promised to stand up for me, and you did. You didn't promise nothing will go wrong, you couldn't have known. My only regret is we left, now the fuckers think they drove us away."
Rabble laughed at Bo's cussing, she somehow picked this idea that she'd brought cussing into Bo's world. Bo let her think that, ignoring to mention that Tamsin cussed like a sailor on acid. Not only because she didn't want to burst Rabble's bubble, but also because she didn't want to think of let alone mention Tamsin. She had enough to deal with as it was without thinking of her.
"But they didn't drive us away. We could have stayed if we wanted to. We just didn't. You're not doing shit you don't want to anymore, Small Town, remember that."
(you've come too far to take that kind of bullshit)
Bo smiled and took Rabble's hand and squeezed it. They weren't the hugs kind of friends. Most of the time they didn't even acknowledge that they were friends, but Bo hoped Rabble knew she appreciated her.
A lot.
"I think I'm gonna go home now. Sonny's been shrieking about family dinner or something equally as sappy and annoying for the past week now. I'm starting to get a migraine from it all."
Bo laughed. Rabble complained about Sonny Adams more than she did about anyone else on earth. Bo wondered what the relationship between the two was. But anytime she asked, Rabble shut down.
She figured the blue haired girl will come to her when she's ready.
"Need a ride?"
"Nah, I'll walk, it'll take longer to get there." She said, her usual mischief shinning in her eyes, "see you tomorrow, Small Town."
"Later, Rabble."
...
She considered walking home too. She could come get her car tomorrow, or bribe Rabble with her newly acquired cooking skills to come get it for her.
But then she decided against it. She might need it at some point in the night.
Although it was highly unlikely.
She realized not leaving her car was mistake number -six? - when she got to where she'd parked it and found Dyson leaning on it.
She glared her most furious glare at him and hoped he didn't see just how out of her element she was, "what do you want?"
"I just want to talk," he said, putting his palms up in a sign of surrender, "really."
"Well, I don't feel like talking to you. Get off my car."
"Bo-"
"Where's your girl friend anyway? I thought she talked for you these days."
"She went home," his voice sounded apologetic, "I didn't know she was going to pull the stunt she did tonight, Bo."
She laughed humorlessly, "right, and 'you didn't know' she was going to pull the other one too, huh?"
"Bo-"
"Fuck you, Dyson. Fuck. You."
"You're not being fair."
"Seriously? Really? You want to talk to me about being fucking fair? You outed me to your girl friend with a mouth bigger than her brain and she outed me to the whole freaking town! I can't even buy milk without people looking at me and talking about me,Dyson!"
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that like it means shit!"
"What else do you want me to say, Bo? I was hurt! Okay? I loved you and you used me. You knew, you fucking knew that we weren't going anywhere but you still let me invest feelings in you. You let me think we had a future and then when you brought it all crushing down, you acted like I should have seen it coming. Like it was somehow my fault that you were breaking my heart. So yeah, I was hurt, and when I found a way to hurt you like you'd hurt me, break you right back, I took it. But that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. Cause I'm not. I- I didn't mean for Ciara to tell everyone, you have to believe that."
She shook her head. She'd heard what he said, she even agreed with some of it, but it still didn't give him the right.
It didn't.
"Get out of my way, Dyson, I have places to be."
"Bo-"
"I swear if you don't move I'll run you the fuck over without even thinking twice about it."
He sighed and moved, she wasn't forgiving him tonight, that much was clear, "fine. I'm still sorry."
"Yeah well, I still don't give a shit."
...
She ended up at Lauren's, which didn't surprise her much because well, it was Lauren. No matter what shit they went through, she'll always be, Lauren. And Bo will always be Bo and as such, she'll always end up here, one way or another.
She'd made the decision, sometime between threatening Dyson's life and killing her engine in front of Lauren's house; she was going to tell her, she was going to tell her that something had to change before what they were doing killed her.
But then Lauren opened her door, reading glasses on and wearing her Avengers T- shirt and Bo had faltered a little.
Just a little.
Lauren had seemed surprised to see her there, but then she'd opened the door wide, "well, come in."
And Bo had entered and just stood there, she could do this. She had faced so many of her hurdles today and this was by far her biggest one. She could do this, she could set things in motion to them being them again. To them being well on their way to normal.
"Bo, not that I don't want you here, but- what are you doing here?"
She could do it, she could say, I can't do it anymore. We can't do it anymore.She could end the vicious cycle they'd found themselves in.
Or- or she could just let things be.
She'd fought enough today, she didn't have to solve all her problems in one day. Something about Russia not being built in a day. Or was that Rome? Geography had never really been her thing.
"Nothing. I just-" she forced a smile, "I was in the neighborhood."
Mistake number she's not even keeping tabs anymore.
"Okay," Lauren's smile wasn't forced, "we're both going to pretend I believe that, okay?"
Bo laughed, "what if I really was in the neighborhood?"
"You weren't in the neighborhood," she lead them towards the kitchen, it looked different, the small table that's always been there was gone, another was in it's place, "juice?"
"Please. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything."
"You didn't," Lauren shook her head and placed a glass in front of Bo, "I was just watching something on my laptop."
"Sherlock?"
"I don't watch Sherlock anymore. " she said quietly, "Avengers, hence the shirt," she motioned at herself, "you uh- you want to watch it with-"
"Yes." Oh fuck,that sounded desperate, "uh-" she cleared her throat, "I mean yes. I have other things to do but I can squeeze you in."
Lauren laughed. And for just that moment, they were normal. As normal as anything could ever be.
Bo Dennis made a lot of mistakes in her life.
She knew that.
But she realizes that all the mistakes she's made today, they aren't mistakes. Not really. Because they led here. And this- this is the furthest from mistake as she'll ever get.
...
An;
Is anyone still reading this? It's been what, a month?:(
I'm sorry this took so long. For some reason I just couldn't get it right no matter how hard I tried and I really needed to get it right because this is my favourite story. So yeah.
Thank you all so very much for reading and reviewing. I love reading everyone's opinion. Lauren's POV and the big talk is coming next and that's about the hardest to read, even for me so I might push this to an M, or a really, really, high T.
Hopefully, this didn't disappoint.