Laurence Lewis breathed in and out in an effort to calm himself. He wasn't by nature a violent man, he never was quick to anger, but right now, he felt his blood boil and he had the most insane need to just punch something. To punch himself.
"That's not true." He said through gritted teeth. But it wasn't a statement filled with any sort of sureity. His voice trembled even as he said it. He sounded like he wanted the blonde girl in front of him to nod and agree.
To free him of the guilt that was slowly suffocating him.
But she just stood there. Her eyes red and her hair unkempt from the number of times she had run her hands through it in the span of an hour.
"Yes it is." She said finally, her voice unwavering. "It is true and I am so tired of it. I just-" she ran her fingers through her hair yet another time. Something she always did when she was frustrated, "I can't do this anymore. Not with you, not with Bo, not with Tamsin. Not even with myself. I can't keep being what everyone wants me to be. I just can't."
:::::
Three days ago.
It happened again.
One moment they were watching The Avengers, the next moment Bo was kissing her. Bo was on top of her. Their clothes were coming off and frenzied kisses were being exchanged.
As it always was these days; it was fast and confusing. As soon as it begun, it ended. And Lauren needed a shower.
She left Bo sleeping, her body facing away from her, her back red from the places Lauren's fingers had scratched. She wanted to kiss her, to kiss every mark she'd made, but she wasn't sure if Bo was asleep or pretending to because she didn't want to talk about it.
It doesn't have to mean anything.
She sighed and wrapped the sheet around herself as she made her way to the bathroom. She didn't bother to check the temperature of the water, she was going to take it any way it came. Freezing cold, scalding hot, she didn't really care.
As long as it washed away how filthy she felt.
Not that it worked. Something in her died every single time she and Bo reduced what they had to wordless sex. Every time Bo looked away from her after they were done, waiting for her to slip away from their meaningless coupling. Every time she had to wait for the brunette to sleep just so she could steal a kiss here and there because she wasn't really sure they would ever be freely given again.
it doesn't have to mean anything.
She sighed again. Letting the water wreck havoc on her skin. It would hurt like no one's business when she was done here. But that's okay. Because when she was hurting, she wasn't thinking. Not of Bo, not of Tamsin, not of anyone really.
Pain was good.
Pain was a distraction.
A very welcome one.
She didn't know how long it took for the sting to become too much. Her skin felt like it was being pricked by a thousand hot needles. Still, she didn't stop the stream of water. The more the burn, the more the pain. The more the pain, the less the thinking.
it doesn't have to mean anything.
She laid her head on the wall. She hated it when those words played in her mind, over and over and over again.
God, she was tired.
It doesn't have- "No." She stopped it before it could torment her further. Turned off the water and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it around herself and marching to her room. She has some sleeping pills somewhere. She got them the other day. They keep the voice in her head quiet. At least in the darkness.
"Hey you're-" Bo's words trailed off as she looked at the red skinned blonde, "Lauren?" That name only carried a thousand questions.
Lauren's eyes landed on the floor. She had forgotten, for a second, that Bo was still around. Or maybe she had thought she was sleeping. Even her brain was tired.
"Lauren?" Again with the thousand questions in one word.
"I'm okay, Bo." She said quietly, lying. "Go back to sleep." She walked to her closet. Her skin hurting even as the night air brushed against it. She could feel Bo's eyes on her all the way to her closet and as she put on her shirt, trying her hardest not to wince when it touched her skin.
"Lauren, please."
That's the thing about knowing someone as long and as intimately as Lauren had known Bo, you know what they're asking of you even without them saying it.
"I can't." She said with a shake of her head. Bo wanted her to talk about it, she knew that. But she couldn't. Not right now. There were too many its for her to handle. It was a struggle to so much as breathe nowadays and she couldn't handle much more. She couldn't.
Bo just stared at her for a moment and nodded, "okay." She knelt on the bed, "come here."
Lauren stood her ground. Bo streched out her arms. "Please."
She let out a breath and crossed over to her. Letting herself be wrapped in Bo's gentle embrace. And for a moment, she could pretend Bo wasn't using her for sex. That she hadn't told Tamsin she loved her only to have her send her a letter that said 'I'm sorry, I can't.' That she hadn't been enough for her mother to stay or even say goodbye. That the very sight of her didn't revolt her father.
In Bo's embrace, she could pretend for just one more night.
And pretend was a game she was good at. One she had been playing all her life.
:::::
"You never complained." His tone of voice, how straight he had his back now, the fire in his eyes, every single thing about his stance was accusatory. Like he was somehow trying to turn this into her fault.
Her eyes narrowed, "I never complained? How about those times I stood right in this house and begged you not to leave? The phonecalls upon phonecalls I made, asking you to come back home?"
"Lauren-"
"No." She shook her head and took a step back, "mom left and so did you. Don't try turning this into my fault because I did everything I possibly could to make you stay."
"Maybe that was the problem."
He blurted out. And the room went silent.
:::::
Two days ago.
There was something in the air that they both tried to ignore but was sucking the life out of everything they did.
After last night, Lauren had slept in Bo's arms and woken up in them. They both clearly wanted to say something, a lot of things. But they were both afraid. It was easy to tell from how tentative Bo's touch was. Like she was afraid to touch the blonde, but at the same time couldn't help it.
Lauren had thought break fast would help. She made the eggs just how Bo liked them, she made her favourite juice too. And when Bo still didn't speak, she felt the sting of faliure somewhere deep inside. It reminded her of a younger her, talking and talking for hours to a mother who just looked at her with blank eyes.
"How long has it been going on?" She was doing the dishes when the question was asked, her hand stilled and she held a plate in it.
"How long has what been going on?" She feigned obliviousness. Hoping Bo would catch on that she didn't really want to talk about this.
She didn't.
"What happened last night. How long has it been happening?"
"How long have I been taking showers?" She tried making her voice light, "since-"
"Lauren." Bo's voice showed she didn't really find any of this funny. At all.
"I don't want to talk about this." She finished rinsing the plate and wiped her hands on the towel.
There was silence for a while and she genuinely thought Bo had let it go. Which was surprising because if there's one thing Lauren knew about Bo, was that giving up wasn't a concept she was very conversant with.
"I love you." It was soft. Said with the outmost reverence. "I love you to an unhealthy extent, Lauren. And you know there isn't much you'd ask of me that I wouldn't give you. You know that. But I won't let this go."
"Bo-"
"You're self harming."
"I took a shower!"
"You stood under scalding hot water until your skin was painful. I felt you flinching when I touched you Lauren."
"I don't want to talk about this." She threw the towel on the sink and made to walk away before Bo grabbed her hand and stilled her movements. "It won't get better if you run away from it. Trust me, I know."
"I took a shower." It doesn't sound convincing. Not even to her own ears. "It was just a shower, Bo."
"You caused yourself pain. You harmed yourself. Intentionally." She lifted her wrist and placed a gentle kiss on the inside of it. "I just want to know why."
"I don't know." She swallowed hard, a lump stuck on her throat and tears brimming in her eyes. "I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to feel something different and pain didn't seem like such a bad option."
"Wanted what to stop?"
"Everything." She shrugged.
Bo nodded and Lauren didn't know if she was being nice or she really understood. But she took her in her arms after and Lauren found that she really didn't care.
::::
Her heart stilled for a moment. For more seconds than she had the energy to count, it felt like she couldn't breathe. Like the simple act of taking in air wasn't something her body was really upto at the moment. "What?" She whispered.
"You-" Mr. Lewis ran his palms through his face, "you look so much like her, Lauren. And after she died, you practically became her."
"I did it for you!"
"I didn't ask you to!" He replied just as sharply. "How was I to deal with your mother's death if I kept seeing her in your face. If the house kept smelling like her from the food you cooked to the detergent you used."
"I did it for you." She repeated, not bothering to wipe away her tears. "You were gone the moment she died and I was trying to not lose you too. So yes, I kept a little bit of her around because I thought if we had that, then you'd come back. You'd come back and I wouldn't have to lose everything."
"You didn't-"
"Yes I did." She said with a sad smile. "And I am sorry. I'm sorry you lost mom and Ty but so did I. And all I wanted was to keep the one person I had left and maybe I went about that the wrong way. But I was nine and I was desperate and you should have stayed."
:::::
One day ago.
Bo was hovering.
It was like she was afraid Lauren would do something drastic to herself so she kept an eye on her the whole day. She had given some flimsy excuse as to why she couldn't go home and she'd even gone as far as to convince Lauren to let her into the bathroom with her.
"I'll just watch, promise."
Lauren blushed furiously at that and it made the brunette smile.
Honestly, if you took away the hovering, which sort of made Lauren uneasy in that 'you're being watched' way, the day was good.
They cooked together, and watched Lauren's favourite shows. Bo helped Lauren rearrange the kitchen and bring in a new table from her father's room which didn't really fit but didn't look that bad either.
They played games which Bo cheated in and Lauren pretended not to notice. It felt like it did long ago. In that time that seemed like another lifetime when they had their own seperate world. Away from everyone else.
It wasn't till they were seated on Lauren's bed late at night, stomachs full of junk that Lauren wasn't sure how Bo had roped her into having and cheeks tained from laughing too hard for too long that Bo brought it up. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Lauren looked at the cards in her hands and pretended not to have heard the question. She had a losing hand no matter how she looked at it.
"Lauren?" Bo called for her attention.
She looked up and gave the brunette a sad smile, "I fold."
Bo sighed and placed her cards down too. "You can't avoid this forever."
"I'm not avoiding anything."
"Yes you are." The brunette placed a hand on her thigh, "and it's not healthy. It can't be fixed if you don't talk about it first."
"There's nothing to fix." She said in an exasperated tone. This is the last thing she wanted tonight. Or ever for that matter. She had spent her whole life dealing with this the best way she knew how. She fixed the external to hide the internal. She made things outside of her as okay as they could be because she knew her inside was broken and she didn't know how to fix it.
"It's okay if there is, you know." Bo said in that gentle tone she reserved just for Lauren. "It's okay to not be okay."
"I'm fine." She said flatly, emotionlessly, before getting up and leaving the room.
...
It took Bo half an hour to come find her, which was surprising really, Lauren had expected her to come sooner.
She sat beside her for a while. Not really saying a thing, just staring at the darkness. Lauren looked at the area where she and Bo used to make forts when they were younger. Back when Bo used to pretend she was the strongest worrior in the kingdom and the fort made of bed covers was their kingdom.
"You're my princess. So I get to protect you."
She smiled at the memory. Then the smile fell and she wondered how they'd managed to mess up something that beautiful. She wished she could rearrange this living room like she'd done the kitchen. Wipe away memories of her and Bo like she'd done with her's and Tamsin by getting rid of that kitchen table.
I'm sorry. I can't.
She let out a humorless laugh. She was never going to be good enough for anyone. Not her mother, not her father, not Bo, not Tamsin. Sometimes she didn't even think she was enough for herself.
It's only when she felt a soft palm wiping her tears away that she realised her laugh had turned into a sob.
Bo's arms came around her shoulder and she held her tight. Letting her cry it out although she still didn't know the exact reason why she was crying. She held on to Bo tightly as the sobs threatened to break her. They were coming from a part of her that she didn't even know existed. A sea of pain that she'd hidden for so long. One that was getting a little too heavy to bear.
Bo kissed her hair and whispered promises that Lauren didn't hear to her.
"I'm so tired." She whispered finally. Her voice hoarse with tears.
Bo smoothed out her hair from her face and kissed her temple. "That's okay. I can be strong enough for the both of us."
...
They lay side by side for the second night in a row. Lauren could literally feel herself bursting at the seams. The walls she had spent years carefully building were tumbling down and try as she might, she couldn't hold them together.
She had used so much of her energy fixing other people, she had never learnt how to fix herself.
Bo's hand reached across the bed and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, involuntarily, without her consent, Lauren flinched away.
Bo sat up, "are you in pain? Are you-"
"I'm fine." She needed this conversation to not go on because it was going places neither of them will like. It's how it always started, Bo touched her, one thing leads to another and before she knows it, she's coming undone with Bo's lips on her.
It's ingrained in her to give Bo whatever she wants or needs, but she can't tonight. She is hanging by a thread. She's coming undone as it is, she doesn't need Bo speeding up the process with her touch and kisses.
But as much as she didn't want to, she didn't want Bo to leave either. She's literally all she has and she has to keep her. So she did what she does best, she caved.
She moved to Bo's laps and entangled her hand in the brunette's hair. It took a few seconds for Bo to kiss her back, and less to pull away when she felt tears that weren't hers on her cheeks. "Lauren what is-"
"It's okay." She tried to get more kisses. To give Bo what she wanted so she wouldn't leave. To do what she always does.
"No it's not." Bo pulled away again. Her eyes full of worry. "You're crying. Why are you crying?"
"I'm not." She said but the falling tears betrayed her. She wiped them away. "I'm fine."
"Lauren-"
"I'm giving you what you want." It came out without her consent.
It doesn't have to mean anything.
"I want you." She said simpy. Like it was all the truth she knew.
"No you don't." She got off the brunette's lap. She needed to be somewhere that wasn't here right now. She needed to breathe. She needed to calm her thoughts and her heart beat. She needed too many things.
"Yes I do!" Bo yelled right behind her.
"Leave me alone, Bo."
"Lauren, what the hell is going on? You're scaring me."
"I'm broken, okay. I'm fucking broken!" The last part came out in a whisper. And she knew it was over. That thing that she had been denying all her life. That thing she had been working so hard to hide, it was out now. "I'm broken. And no one wants broken things. And I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you need." She shrugged sadly. Tiredly. "Meaningless sex is just hard for me."
"What are you-"
"I think you should leave."
Bo looked at her like she was insane. "I'm not going anywhere until we talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about, Bo."
"There's everything to talk about." The brunette took a step forward, "what we had, what we did, it was never meaningless to me. You have to know that Lauren."
"You said it was."
"Because I thought that's what you wanted to hear! I thought you're still hang up on Tamsin and that's the only part of you I could get and as pathetic as it sounds, I was willing to settle. Because it's with you and any part of you I can get I'm willing to take."
"Bo-"
"You are my entire world." She cut her off. "And if after everything you still cannot see that then I don't know what else I'm supposed to do." She took another step forward, then two more so that she was standing right in front of Lauren. "I took my world apart for you, Lauren. I took my world apart for you and it hurt like hell the whole time but I'd do it again. A million times over because I'd do anything for you."
Lauren wanted to say something. Anything. But the brunette beat her to it again.
"And I don't care if you're broken. You're still my Lauren. And you're still all I'll ever want." She ran her hand gently through her cheeks. "And I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for you to want me back."
:::::
Lauren looked around. Averting her father's eyes. The dinner Bo had helped her cook was still on the table, most of it uneaten.
She could still remember how cautious she and the brunette had been with each other this morning. They had spent yet another night in each other's arms and the morning had brought with it uncertanity like never before.
They hadn't even touched each other till Lauren got the call that her father would be home tonight and she'd thrown her arms around Bo in pure joy.
Bo's arms, strong yet gentle around her felt like they'd left an imprint. And the voice she'd used when she declined Lauren's invite to dinner, saying that the blonde needed to spend some time with her father and that she could call her when they were done still rang in her ears.
She wished now that she had tried harder to get her to stay. Maybe things wouldn't have been so much of a disaster.
Or maybe it was her own fault. For bringing up the fact that her father was never around. That he'd practically let her raise herself. That he was more or less a stranger to her now.
He had aged. With this last trip especially. Or maybe it was the fight they'd just had. He looked tired. She couldn't stand to look at him. She was already treading a thin line with her emotions as it was.
"I'm going out." She said arbruptly. Breaking the uncomfortable silence.
He didn't even look up as she slipped out of the house.
...
Bo's door opened within seconds of her knocking. Like the brunette had just been waiting for her to arrive.
She didn't even say a word. She stood there, her hands in her pockets, her weight shifting from one foot to another.
"I didn't know where else to go." She said finally.
Mere seconds later, she felt a gentle hand taking hers and leading her into the house before envolping her in a hug she didn't know she needed until she got.
And for the first time in a long time, Bo felt like she used to back when things made sense.
She felt like home.
...
I'm so sorry. So sorry. I know this took a while. But this isn't the easiest story to write and I knew nothing of depression so I had to read a bit. There'll be more Lauren chapters because it would be unrealistic to think I can deal with depression in one chapter. Also, we're far from done with Tamsin.
Thank you so very much for the reviews I love them. I love reading what you have to say and how you interpret the actions of the characters. I hope I still do them justice.
You rock.
Chapters from here on out will be harder and harder. Not that this story was ever easy so...yeah. Just thought you should know.