20 part II
...
She didn't mourn.
It's the first thought she's had all day and it keeps running in a loop in her mind, like some broken record, stuck on one song.
She didn't mourn.
She doesn't even remember if she cried.
She remembers her dress. Black and itchy. It fell just above her knees and she would look around at the people dabbing their faces to free them of tears to make sure they're not looking at her and scratch hastily.
It was odd to her, seeing her mom being lowered down to the ground in this funeral that she wouldn't have liked much. Hearing her dad break into a sob that seemed to come from somewhere deep and sad.
It kept ringing in her ears even later, as people miled into their house and offered condolences and ate pretentious food. But he was smiling now and it was odd, looking at him because her ears still kept ringing with his sobs.
It looked like everyone was expecting her to cry too. To be sadder than she was- But her dress was itchy and it was too hot to be anything other than irritated and none of this seemed real to her.
It wasn't like when Snowy died. He'd been sick and in pain and his death felt real. She had seen her mother just a few days ago. Seated on her favourite seat in the kitchen, looking at Lauren blankly as she told her of Marsha Grace who Lauren had beat at the spelling Bee by one point because Marsha didn't know how to spell 'grammar'.
"Do you want me to brush your hair?" She'd asked when her mom clearly didn't show much interest in Marsha's lack of spelling prowess.
"No. I'm sleepy."
And Lauren had smiled. Big and wide, hoping for a smile back. And she had followed her mom all the way to her room, asking if maybe later she can brush her hair. And she had stayed there with her, telling her anything that came to mind until her favourite nature show came on and she rushed out of the room, leaving a promise to be back later behind her.
It was hard to feel sad because she was nine and it was hard to make any of this feel real.
Now she wishes she would have tried harder.
She wishes she would have mourned.
...
For almost a while after her Lauren's break down, Bo feels hopeful. It's small and it's fragile and it's probably a little naive. But it's there because Lauren is still letting her hold her hand and for the first time in days Bo sees something vaguely resembling life in her eyes.
So she hopes.
Not for much. Life has taught her that expecting too much is begging for dissapointment. She's not hoping for Lauren to get miraculously better. To go back to being the Lauren she's used to.
She's not that naive.
What she does hope for is for Lauren to lower her walls just a little. Not even break them, just lower them enough so Bo can find her way to the other side. To that place where Lauren has checked into. And maybe then, they can find their way back together.
But then Lauren isn't talking and the life in her eyes keep draining and Bo's hope dies and dies and dies.
It dies until there's nothing left of it anymore.
...
Lauren seems to be getting smaller.
Not in size, although that happens too even though Bo makes it a point to make sure she eats at least something everyday.
She gets smaller in other ways. Her voice is timid and her eyes look unsettled. Like she can't decide what part of her room that she never leaves to look at. She's constantly under her duvet and she speaks in one worded sentences.
'No.'
'Yes.'
Sometimes she gives an occasional 'Thank you'.
But more often than not she's quiet and small and it's almost as if she's willing herself out of existence and Bo starts to think maybe Rabble is right, maybe she can't do it all by herself.
...
He hasn't come.
It's been three weeks and he hasn't come. Or called. Or even sent an owl with a letter.
He doesn't care enough to.
She doesn't matter enough for him to care.
...
Bo makes breakfast and sits on the rocking chair that her mom got from her grandmother, pretending to read a magazine while all she's doing is waiting for Lauren to eat.
The blonde plays with her food but she does take one or two bites because she knows there's no way Bo's leaving here if she doesn't eat.
"Huh-" Bo snorts out, looking up briefly to see if Lauren's listening to her. "There's a girl here who married a tree." There's a brief moment where the blonde stops her movements, seemingly interested in what the brunette has to say. "He- that would be the tree- is called 'Tim'. They're in love."
Lauren doesn't say anything.
She doesn't smile or laugh either.
But she doesn't tell Bo to stop reading.
So the brunette doesn't.
...
It becomes a thing.
She spends her time finding interesting articles that she thinks will appeal to Lauren's natural curiousity and her insatiable need to know things.
She reads them to the blonde when she's eating. Or just late in the evening and when she doesn't have any articles she brings a chess board. She often ends up playing by herself and moving all the pieces.
But Lauren's eyes stare at the board and at her moves and they seem interested and Bo lets herself count that as a victory.
No matter how small.
...
"Will you come watch a movie with me tonight? I got all the good ones."
"No thank you."
"You sure? 'Cause not to brag or anything, but my lineup is killer. I have Star Trek, Matrix, Star Wars. I even have Wall-E. You love Wall-E."
"No. Thank you."
"Okay. Maybe tomorrow?"
"Maybe."
...
Sometimes. In moments that later Bo buries somewhere deep out of shame and self-disgust, she feels angry at Lauren.
So, so- Angry.
It's not so much to ask that Lauren try, is it? Even just a little to give Bo the tiniest bit of hope. She doesn't even have to do anything big, just maybe smile. Or eat more than three spoonfuls of food that takes Bo hours to prepare.
It's not so much to ask that Lauren makes one step. Just a single one. She doesn't even have to meet Bo halfway. She just needs to show that she wants to be fought for.
But those moments pass quick and they leave behind self-hate that sinks somewhere inside Bo's bones so much that she thinks it's now become part of her.
...
"Still not up for that movie?"
"No."
"Do you maybe want to leave your room today? Sit with me in the living room. We don't have to do anything."
"No."
"Okay. But maybe think about it, yeah?"
"Okay."
...
Rabble comes in yelling something about games and how Bo won't beleive the one she just bought and the brunette furiously wipes her tears, or tries to, but Rabble reaches the kitchen before she can make a good job of it.
She doesn't know why she chose today of all days to break down. She just felt like she can't handle it anymore. Like someone has stuck something in her throat and it's made it hard to breathe and her lungs are too heavy and everything is just wrong. She hadn't meant to cry, she was actually doing the dishes when memories of her and Lauren through the years hit her like an avalanche and now the tears won't stop no matter how hard she wills them too.
And she needs them to stop because she needs Rabble to stop looking at her like that.
Like she's hopeless and helpless and everything that comes with it.
"What?" She croaks out, wiping more traitrous tears.
Rabble just shakes her head and moves to her, then without a word, she hugs her. Tight and sure, like she's not letting go until she's sure Bo's okay.
It it hits Bo somewhere in the core of her how much she's needed this. She's scared and alone and her best friend, her Lauren. The girl who at twelve years old could cook and go shopping and organize things better than anyone Bo has ever seen. The strong girl. The ever put together girl. Is breaking apart and Bo can't fix her no matter how much she tries. She doesn't even know where to start and it's killing her.
It's literally killing her.
"I'm failing her, Rabble." She says between sobs, clutching the material of Rabble's shirt tightly, not even caring that she's making her shoulder wet. "I'm failing her so bad."
"Oh Bo." Rabble whispers, uncharacteristically gentle and it makes Bo cry harder and she feels so selfish because Lauren's the one who needs a shoulder. She's fine.
But she can't seem to let go of Rabble and she doesn't even want to. The love of her life is hurting. Her entire world is coming apart by the seams. She needs someone to hold her together for just a moment.
"You really need to think of taking her to the hospital, Bo. For your sake as much as hers."
That makes her pull back. She can put her pain aside to defend Lauren. "No."
"You're being really stupid right now." Rabble says sternly. "You're not equiped to deal with this. I know ya'll have some epic romance going on and everything, but sometimes love's not enough. It's a huge part of it and her going to the hospital won't diminish that. It won't make her need you less. It'll just make sure she gets the help she needs."
Bo shakes her head. "No. Lauren hates hospitals. She hates having to talk to strangers and I'm not going to make her."
"Bo!"
"I said No. I know Lauren better than anybody."
Rabble shakes her head sadly. "I don't think even Lauren knows who Lauren is right now, Bo."
...
At first, when Bo enters Lauren's room and finds her dressed and the bed made, she feels happy. And it's such a foreign feeling that it shocks her eyes wide for a moment.
She hasn't been happy in such a long time she was starting to forget what it felt like. But the feeling doesn't last long because suddenly Lauren is opening her mouth and words Bo never wants to hear fall out her mouth.
"I'm leaving." Her eyes are downcast. Emotionless. Her voice is creepily edgeless and words fall from her mouth with mechanical ease. Like she practiced them for too long.
"What?" Is all Bo can manage to say.
Lauren's eyes dart across the room, unable to look at one thing for a long time. "I'm going to go back home. My fa-" she falters a bit and her face morphs like she just ate something bitter- "I'm sure he's gone by now. I'll be fine. Thank you for having me."
In some far away place in Bo's mind, it occurs to her that she should be counting her victories. Lauren is speaking in full sentences. Bo has been hoping for this for weeks. But a small selfish part of her wishes Lauren was still stuck on one worded sentences.
At least with those, she was staying.
"Who'll take care of you?" She asks desperately, clutching the tray even tighter in her hands.
Lauren shrugs, careless and noncomittal. "It's not your job to worry about me, Bo. And I'm-"
"Shut up."
It comes out before she can word it better, make it sound less rude. It comes out even before she can think of it and any other time, she would be rushing to apologize. To take away that shocked look in Lauren's eyes. But today isn't any other day.
"Don't you dare say it's not my job to take care of you, Lauren. Just don't."
"But it-"
"Like hell it isn't! I love you. I don't know how many times I have to say this for you to understand, Lauren. I love you. And that makes it my job to make sure you're taken care of. That you're okay. Which you aren't right now and I'm not letting you leave here until you are."
Lauren just looks at her for a while. Bo, who by now has placed the tray down, looks back defiantly. For a moment, she thinks Lauren's going to slap her. Or push her aside. There's a wild unsettled look in her eyes that Bo's never seen. She looks like a child, lost in the dark, afraid to admit she's scared.
And when she takes a step towards her, the brunette braces herself for anything.
Well, anything other than the kiss she gets.
...
It sets a shock wave in her system from her head to the very tip of her toes because a kiss is the very last thing she expected.
It's been so long and so much is happening and kisses are the last thing on her mind. Which is odd because judging by the way her body comes alive, how something insanely beautiful tingles beneath her skin, a kiss is what she needed most.
She didn't even know she was missing it until she got it and now her head feels dizzy with want and her skin is burning with need.
Maybe that's why it takes minutes for her to notice this is different.
Lauren is different.
From the very first day they kissed, Bo has always known Lauren is an exploring kind of kisser. She likes to take her time, discover new things. Normally she kisses like she's going on a treasure hunt. Uncovering secrets.
But today, there's nothing normal about today.
Today she's all haste and panic and fumbling with Bo's top and crying.
She's crying.
There are tears that she doesn't bother wiping away and when Bo tastes salt in their kisses, she knows they need to stop.
"Stop." She says although the very words break her heart. "Lauren,we need to stop."
The blonde shakes her head. Still crying. Still kissing. "No. Please."
"Lauren-"
"I need this." She whispers urgently and the sheer amount of emotion in her eyes knocks the wind out of Bo. "I need you to make me feel something other than sad. Please."
Bo nods.
It's probably a bad idea. She knows this. She just can't find it in her to care.
...
She tries making it more. Kissing the blonde and pouring all of her into the kisses. But Lauren isn't having that. She seems to be holding on to the edge of something and she seems so afraid to let go.
Bo wishes she could make her feel safe enough to be in this moment. To forget all her fears and just be here. But she knows that's asking for too much and the fact that Lauren stayed that she's letting Bo see her the extent of her sadness, that she's being so overwhelmingly trusting with her vulnerabilities; she knows it's a lot.
It's more steps than they've taken in a month and she reminds herself to be thankful of that.
She reminds herself to just work with what she has and let Lauren give her the rest when she's ready.
So she kisses her. And Lauren's word ring loud in her ears, "I need you to make me feel something other than sad," so Bo gives her that.
She gives her everything she has and when that's done she gives her more.
And when Lauren comes, literally crying. Sobs and all, Bo covers her with her entire body like a comfort blanket. Placing random tiny kisses on every part she can reach and just being there until Lauren calms down.
...
She wakes up alone and she knows Lauren's in the shower from the sounds coming from the bathroom.
Her first instinct is to panic. She doesn't know why but something bubbles from the pit of her stomach and clogs itself in her throat and she realises she's afraid of Lauren's reaction.
And she's afraid of the blonde checking out again.
Then she feels guilty because it's not her place to feel these things. Lauren is trying she's trying harder than she ever has and that's all Bo wanted, right? For her to lower her walls. Well, last night she practically tore them down and left herself bare for Bo and the brunette won't allow herself to feel anything but grateful.
She slips out of bed, using her private bathroom to freshen up before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. They have a routine and she is going to keep at it. She's just going to do what she's been doing all along because it's working.
On some level, it's working.
She has finished cracking the first egg when she hears someone crack her throat.
Lauren.
She's in Bo's hoodie. One that the blonde brought Bo herself from one of her many science conventions. Her hair is slightly wet and she looks so small. So fragile that Bo's need to protect her flares.
"Hi." Lauren whispers like she's still not very used to making use of her voice and Bo smiles softly at her.
"Hey."
It's the first time she's been out of her room in god knows how long and although Bo tries to not make a big deal out of it, she can't help how this makes her feel.
Like maybe she's not failing after all.
Lauren clasps the edges of the hodie in her palms. "Can I help?" She asks softly.
Bo's smile grows wider without her consent. "Sure. Everything's almost done but you can help slice the fruits?"
Lauren nods wordlessly and moves to wash her hands even though she's just from taking a shower and ties an apron around herself although she'll only be cutting fruit it's so- so Lauren that Bo has to supress an urge to squeal.
They work silently side by side. Not talking about anything and for the first time in a long time, that's okay.
Because for the first time in a long time, Bo feels like they're going to be okay.
...
An; I have now drained all life from my muse. Thank you for reading and especially for reveiwing and letting me know I haven't made a mess of something that's so real to so many people.