warnings: reference to an animal being inadvertently killed, mention/description of self-harm scars

Chapter 13: Truth & truth

In which the kids play a game on a rainy day

Felix is pretty sure it's not supposed to rain in June, but here it is, raining anyway. He wakes up to the sound of it, pattering against the floor of the church, and to the feeling of dampness in the air. He isn't wet, exactly— the mattress is in the back of the church, where the roof is still mostly intact— but he doesn't exactly feel dry either. He looks at his watch— 4:16 PM.

"Fucking rain," he mutters to Wolfgang, not bothering to check if he's awake. Wolfgang's always awake. "Think it's gonna last all night?"

No want wants to get a blowjob in the rain. Which means they don't work in the rain, which means no money, but also no having to suck anyone off, so.

"Mm," Wolfgang hums, shifting slightly under the blankets as thunder rumbles in the distance. "Probably, yeah."

Felix pulls one of the blankets up around his face and lets his breath warm his nose. It's so fucking cold. June has no right to be this cold.

"The others'll be back soon probably," he says. "They'll want to get out of the rain."

And right on cue, Capheus arrives, a bag of cans still hanging from his bike. "I'll turn them in tomorrow," he says, shedding his wet jacket and pulling a blanket around himself as he takes a seat by the mattress. "You guys working tonight?"

Wolfgang shakes his head. "Probably going out later to get something to eat," he says, sitting up.

But then Riley and Sun arrive home together, bearing three slightly-soggy bags of McDonald's.

"We brought dinner," Riley announces.

"Shit, I fucking love you guys," exclaims Felix, elbowing Lito awake as Sun begins to distribute the food— a burger and fries for everyone, plus chicken nuggets to share, and cookies for dessert, and Felix honestly can't imagine a better meal.

The rain continues to hammer down as they eat, but they're safe and full and somewhat dry, and does life really get much better than that?

o - o - o

"It's called truth and truth."

They've finished their food and are now sitting back, surrounded by crumpled napkins and greasy burger wrappers, listening to Capheus explain the game he thinks they should play. "It's like truth or dare," he says, "but there's no dare; you have to pick truth. And when you ask someone a question, after they answer it, you have to answer too. So, for example, I would say, Riley, truth or dare? And then she would say truth."

"Truth," Riley echoes.

"And then I ask a question. Like, say, what is your favorite color?"

"Blue," says Riley.

"Now I answer too. Mine's yellow. And then it's my turn to say truth, and someone asks me a question. Truth."

"Favorite season," says Sun.

"Summer."

"Spring. Truth."

"Sun," says Capheus, "when's your birthday?"

Sun pauses, gives Capheus a look that Felix can't quite read. "August 8th," she says slowly.

And suddenly everyone in the room except Felix is saying "Me too!"

Then there's stunned silence, which Felix breaks petulantly. "Bullshit," he says, crossing his arms. "Whose idea was this? Wolfgang?" he guesses, since he knows Wolfgang's birthday actually is August 8th.

But Wolfgang shakes his head and shoots Capheus an accusatory glance.

"I swear," says Capheus, holding up his hands in a display of innocence, "my birthday is August 8th. And so is Sun's!"

"And mine," says Riley.

"And mine too," Lito says earnestly, staring around at the others. "Is this real? Were we really all born the same day?"

"No fucking fair," Felix whines. "My birthday's November 27th; how come I didn't get this memo?"

Wolfgang elbows him in the ribs. "You never get the memo," he says.

The others laugh.

Felix pouts.

"What does it mean?" asks Riley in a hushed, wondering voice.

"I think it means we're soulmates," Capheus says, smiling broadly. "My turn. Truth."

They go on for a while, asking favorite animals and foods and movies. First crush. Best subject in school.

"You guys are playing it so safe," Capheus laughs eventually. "Ask something more exciting. Ask— Wolfgang, what's your biggest fear?"

There's a split-second of silence. Then: "My dad," Wolfgang says. Felix glances over, but Wolfgang doesn't meet his eye. Something shifts in the room; everyone seems to sit up a bit straighter.

"Oh." Capheus pauses. "I'm sorry; I didn't—"

"Don't be," Wolfgang mutters uncomfortably. "He's dead. It's in the past. What's yours?"

"My biggest... Well, I was going to say spiders," says Capheus, with an embarrassed sort of laugh. "But—" He swallows, then continues more quietly. "I think my biggest fear is that my little sister might have died. Because she— she was sick when she was born, and she went to a different foster home than me, and I don't know what happened to her," he explains. "And I like to imagine that she's having a good life somewhere, but then I think— I don't even know if she's still alive." He looks around at the rest of them, lips pressed together. "So… that's my biggest fear. Uh, truth."

"How long were in foster care?" asks Riley.

"Oh. Six years. Since I was nine," Capheus says. "And I ran away two years ago. You?"

"Four years," says Riley with a shrug. "Left last summer."

Capheus nods, and Riley says, "Truth."

"Where were you living?" Lito asks her. "Before you came here, I mean. You never told me."

Riley looks up at the ceiling. "With my boyfriend," she says. "Ex-boyfriend. But then I left."

"Was he the—"

"No," says Riley quickly. "That was someone else." Capheus, on the sleeping bag beside Riley's, puts a hand on her arm, and gives Lito a look.

The message is clear to Felix— stop talking about this— and apparently to Lito too, because he nods and moves on. "Me, I was staying behind a dumpster in an alley," he says conspiratorially. "Thankfully only for one month. Then Felix found me."

"You're welcome," says Felix.

"Truth," Lito laughs.

"Where's your mom at?" asks Wolfgang curiously.

"My mom?"

"Yeah, you said she left when you were a kid," Wolfgang shrugs. "Where'd she go?"

"Oh," Lito says. He hesitates. "I don't know. She— she was in New York for a while. Then California. But then she stopped calling. I miss her very much." He looks up at Wolfgang. "Where is yours?"

My dad said she left us, Wolfgang had told Felix once, years ago. But he did something to her; I know he fucking did something to her.

What, Felix had whispered, horror-struck, like you think he killed her?

To which Wolfgang had shrugged, said, I don't know, but she wouldn't have fucking abandoned me like that, and looked up at Felix with such pained, desperate eyes that Felix hadn't had the heart to point out that moms abandon their kids all the time, because moms can be pieces of shit.

"I don't know either," is what Wolfgang tells Lito.

"Do you miss her?" Lito asks.

"Yes." Wolfgang sets his jaw. "Truth."

"Your favorite memory," Sun offers. "What you think of when you're sad."

"Swimming," Wolfgang responds immediately. "I used to swim all the time; there was this pool— I just always felt— safe. In the water."

Sun nods. "Mine is when my little brother was born," she says. "My father took me to visit him and my mother in the hospital. I'd never seen my parents so happy." She smiles, but the corners of her eyes are wet. "He was so little," she goes on. "I held his hand and kissed his head. I loved him so much." She pauses. "I still do."

"Where is he?" asks Capheus cautiously.

"I haven't seen him in five years." Sun says. She slaps away a tear. "My caseworker…" she whispers, "she told me— told me that she had to think about permanency goals for him. Because people would want to adopt a four-year-old. But not a sibling group," she says, shaking her head, the same sad smile still on her face. "I hope— I hope so much that he's with a nice family," she concludes.

"I'm sure he is," says Lito.

"My foster homes... they were never nice," Sun says quietly. "But maybe he was luckier." Sun shrugs one shoulder. "Truth."

"Which was the worst?" asks Felix.

"The worst?"

"The worst foster home you had."

Sun frowns at him, then lowers her eyes, and Felix regrets the question.

"The one I ran away from," she says simply, running a hand along the fabric of her sleeping bag. She pulls out a loose thread by the zipper and flicks it away. "It was very bad. I don't want to talk about the details, if that's alright."

"Shit," Felix says. "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've— I shouldn't've asked. You don't have to talk about it, fuck." He thinks of the Facchinis, how he didn't tell Wolfgang about them for years. "I ran away from mine too," he tells her. "The worst one, I mean. They were—" He shakes his head. "They were real assholes. Truth."

"What's something no one here knows about you?" Riley asks. "Not even Wolfgang. If anything."

Felix glances at Wolfgang beside him. There's only one answer, he thinks. "Uh— okay," he says hesitantly. "Okay, I can— It's kinda fucked up, okay? But I, uh." He takes a deep breath. "I killed a puppy."

He can feel the others' eyes on him, can tell that they're holding their breaths. He stares into his lap. "It was my first foster home," he says. "They had this dog, right? This puppy. And one day one of the other kids there— this little girl, probably like three or something— she colored all over the dog in marker. Like on the white parts of the fur, you know? And I saw, and I knew she was gonna get in so much fucking trouble if they saw, right?" He swallows. "So— I thought I would give the dog a bath. Only I was like five; I didn't know how to give it a fucking bath; I just put it in the kitchen sink and— fuck," he mutters, glancing up for a split second, "I couldn't even reach the faucet without standing on a fucking chair…"

"What happened?" asks Wolfgang grimly, but Felix is sure he can already guess, sure that all of them can already guess.

He covers his face with his hands. "I started running water on him," he says. "And the sink filled up. And by the time I finished— I don't know how it happened." He presses his fingers against his eyes, hard, and they come away wet. "He was just tiny little puppy," he whispers into his palms. "And I fucking drowned him."

"You were only a little boy," says Capheus.

"And it was an accident," Lito adds.

"What did they do," asks Sun, very quietly, "when they found out?"

Felix grimaces, not daring to look up at anyone's face. "They freaked out. Sent me back. It went down on my record as fucking animal cruelty; everyone thought I was a real messed-up kid." He laughs bitterly. "I guess I was. I guess I am."

"Felix, I'm so sorry," says Riley. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"No, it's— fine," says Felix. "I just don't really tell people often. Or ever. I don't know." He rubs impatiently at his eyes. "Your turn."

Riley nods. "Alright," she says. Then again, more determinedly, "Alright." Wordlessly, she pushes up the sleeve of her sweatshirt and holds out her arm.

It's covered in scars. Down her forearm, onto her palm, the skin is corrugated, streaked with bumps, with lines, some healed, some not.

"I don't want to talk about it," she says, pulling the sleeve back down. "I just want you to know."

"If you ever do want to talk—" says Lito.

"I know," Riley whispers, wiping her hands across her face. "I know. Thank you." She clears her throat. "Truth?"

Sun is the one who speaks up. "What are you most proud of?" she asks softly.

"Still being here," Riley says after a moment. "Surviving. Being alive. How— how about you?"

But Sun just shakes her head. "Nothing," she says faintly.

"Sun," says Riley, leaning forward slightly, "you should also be proud to be alive." She glances around. "We all should."

And she's right, Felix realizes. They should be proud. And he is proud. He honestly is.

And here, surrounded by the others, he's glad, too: He's glad to be alive.

It's a strange, unfamiliar feeling. But it's a good one, he thinks. Warm, and light, and good.