A/N: You guys, I'm so sorry… this is my longest chapter yet. :lol: My characters decided that they had some things to take care of, so I just held on and let them take me for the ride. I hope you guys like where it goes. One other thing, I was writing in one POV and accidentally switched. I would have just re-written it, but it was, like, five hundred words worth of mistake and I really liked it. So, I hope you forgive me for the lack of Chuck POV this time around… Blair had a lot to say.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blair, Chuck, or Gossip Girl. If I did, Blair would realize that Nate is a whiney baby and Chuck is all the man a girl could ever need.

Warnings: T for occasional language and adult themes; may change to M in later chapters.

IF ONLY

Chapter 7

"Deeper"

Standing there, staring at Chuck's hand, Blair felt like she was frozen in a surreal version of her life.

"You're being unreasonable, Blair," the exasperation was evident in his voice, "I won't bite." No, she wasn't being unreasonable; she was having a severe case of the Déjà vu's. Here she was, dressed to the nines, with a rejection from Nate, an open limo door, and Chuck there to pick up the pieces.

Again.

Except, this time, there wasn't a doubt in her mind that if she got into that car with him, she would end up seeking solace in his arms. It was all so familiar and, what was the old saying? Once bitten, twice shy?

He could say all he wanted that he wouldn't pressure her, but she knew what would happen… it was herself she didn't trust at this point.

Then again, this night and the night before weren't any different from the others in her life; whenever Nate disappointed her, she always turned to his best friend for comfort and explanation. This became an even more regular occurrence when Serena had disappeared without a word. Her emotional security depended so much on Chuck's help these days.

Even if Nate was nowhere to be found, his best friend knew how to heal her wounds, whether it be with a flattering, albeit lewd, comment or a plan for some deserving soul's social destruction. Chuck had become the rock that she leaned on in times of crises and last night had been the climax of their distorted relationship; the one event that started the rest of her life, like a rock dropping into a pond, leaving ripples in its wake.

Where she went from here, whether into Chuck's arms or running back to Nate, everything stemmed from her actions last night; the wheels were already turning.

The fact was that Chuck had always been there to bolster her spirits through friendship. He may be notorious for changing women at least as often as he changes his underwear, but to Blair he'd always been a supporter who never disappointed; the only steadfast in her ever-changing world. So, with a clear mind, and a nervous heart, she took his hand to step into the limo.

His lips formed a half smile, half smirk. "Decided to trust me and come to your senses?"

She rolled her eyes at him and slid as far away from him down the seat as she could, while he climbed in after her and closed the door behind him. There wasn't anyway she was going risk an accidental touch; the chances of her losing control over herself were too many. "It's possible," she said with a haughty tone to her voice, "Although, my instincts have been known to prove naïve and fail me." Her tone was playfully coy, trying to detract attention from her precautions. She couldn't afford to fail at restraining herself and seem like a wanton hussy, being defiled in the back of a moving vehicle two nights in a row.

He made a quick movement of his own, grabbing something from one of the other seats and tucking it into a compartment before she could see anything but a brief flash of gold. Chuck was staring daggers at her, but it still seemed to come across as a wounded expression. Then he turned to her, his eyes feeling like little heat rays warming her skin as they looked everywhere but her face. "Do you feel like talking, tonight?" He raised his eyebrows and finally met her eyes, "I think we both know what not talking about what's bothering you got us last night."

She sighed and angled her body away from him, so that he wouldn't notice the blush he'd caused to color her cheeks. "I didn't want to talk to Serena, so why would I talk to you, Chuck?" Her scoff sounded hollow to her own ears, so it obviously wouldn't have the desired effect on his, but she pushed on. "Besides, there's nothing to talk about."

"Really." A snicker escaped his lips and the breath from it tickled her ear; he'd obviously moved closer to her on the seat when she wasn't looking. "You fled that building like a Valentino-clad bat out of hell because you weren't perturbed by something?"

Blair turned to face him, pressing her back as far to the wall of the car as she could. "I just didn't want to be there any longer." He was leaning into her personal space, so she shoved him back, "End of story."

An amused grin painted his lips, but he didn't back off; instead, he reached out to brush a loose lock of hair out of her eyes. "Blair, why won't you admit you were crushed when that text came?" Now, he moved so that his back rested against the seat and, avoiding her questioning look, continued, "Everyone could tell."

"That's just it, Chuck!" She threw her head back into the padded wall, "Now EVERYONE knows that Nate and I broke up. He didn't even know yet and he still stood me up for another girl… on my birthday."

"I'm sorry, but Nate is a complete fucking imbecile, sometimes," she felt his hand come to rest on her thigh and she flinched away from his touch, "But he obviously didn't know what he had, B." Her eyes came down from the car ceiling to meet his and he reached for her hand but she pulled it away. "Stop doing that, damn it!"

"Well, then stop trying to feel me up!"

He reached forward and grabbed her shoulders, "I'm not!" Releasing his grip, he softened his voice, "I'm trying to comfort you, Blair."

"You never needed to touch me in order to do that before last night!" She covered her mouth with her hand, realizing that she'd opened the door for the subject she'd been ignoring his hints about since she fled the party.

Chuck didn't waste a second before jumping at the chance to continue this conversation. "You had no problem with me touching you last night," he whispered, his expression intense, like he could strip her skin bare with only his gaze. "And you damn sure were wearing a whole lot less clothing when I did."

"I don't want you touching me, Chuck," she tore her eyes from his and stared at the floor, "Please stop it."

"So prim and proper, Waldorf …" His lips were inches from her ear again, forcing her to fight the shivers caused by his breath ruffling the loose tendrils of her hair, "You're starting to bore me with your innocent act."

"Well, it wasn't an act until this morning," she huffed, trying to shift away from him, but not succeeding.

"Stop trying to shirk blame for your actions last night; you knew what you were doing when you kissed me." He took her chin into his hand to force her to look into his eyes, "And it was you who kissed me, remember? I didn't start this, Blair."

She felt his hand leave her face, but she couldn't tear herself away from his powerful gaze, "Chuck, I…"

"So stop blaming me, Waldorf." She knew if she let him touch her that it would be trouble, and when her heart sped up as he took her left hand in his right, she had her proof. "If you didn't want to start something last night, all you had to do was say no."

Remembering that moment, the one where he honored her over every other girl he'd been with by asking permission, only made her heartbeat dance faster. Taking a big gulp of air that didn't seem to help her pounding chest, she sighed, "What am I going to do with you, Bass?"

Her reaction seemed to cheer him, his frown turning to a smirk at her words, albeit a sarcastic one. "I don't know. All I've been informed of is what we aren't going to be doing."

Blair didn't know whether to slap him or kiss his, but she found herself following the lead of her racing heart. After a second's deliberation, she breathed deeply, leaned forward, and touched her lips to his just as the car slowed to a stop.

It took Chuck a moment to realize what'd happened and then it was his turn to flinch. "No," he backed away from her, the shocked look on her face only fueling his confusion, "This isn't happening, Blair. I'm not a toy; you can't play with me and then throw me to the side when you lose interest."

Obviously she didn't take rejection well, because he could almost see the heat creep up her neck until steam should be streaming from her ears. "And all those women you've slept with weren't your playthings? How do I know that this isn't your way of tossing me aside, huh?" Her delicate fingers had curled into fists that looked like they may be able to do some real damage, but rather than hitting him, she continued to rant, "You disgust me, Bass. You and your double standards taking advantage of me in my naïveté, making me believe I hurt your feelings. And to think I actually felt sorry for you."

He didn't speak another word before reaching for the door handle and she gestured with her hand for him to stop, "Wait." When he did, she sighed, "I don't really want to go home to my empty house… I planned on spending the night at Serena's tonight anyway… besides, I can't leave you here like this."

He indicated the building through his window; "I guess it's a good thing we're at the Palace, then."

"I don't believe you, Bass," her jaw dropped, "You just assumed that I'd be coming back here with you?" she was seriously re-considering slapping him.

Chuck raised his hands in the air, like he was surrendering, "Don't get your panties in a wad, Waldorf, I didn't have a chance to tell my driver there was a change in destination." After a second of her disbelieving silence, he continued to speak, his tone wry, "I was too busy trying to get a stubborn woman out of the street before some low-life decided they liked her taste in couture."

Even though she was still wary, she shrugged, "Whatever." As she climbed out of the car, avoiding the hand he held out to help her, she continued, "I just want to go up to Serena's and crawl in her bed… pretend this night never happened."

Neither of them spoke another word as they walked into the building. The doorman greeted them, "Good evening, Mr. Bass," but they kept their pace until they reached the elevator. Once inside, Blair walked to the left corner and she glanced to see that Chuck stood in the right after pressing the button for Serena's floor.

There weren't many times that Blair had been able to feel the tension in a room, she was usually to preoccupied with herself to notice, but the air had become thick with silence. Never had there been an elevator ride as uncomfortable as this one; being trapped in an eight by eight car with an irritated Chuck Bass wasn't something you experienced every day. It seemed that she'd been the one lucky enough to bear witness to the loss of his normal, blasé attitude.

She breathed a sigh of relief when the doors opened and she practically ran through them to the untainted air. When she turned the corner to reach the door for Serena's suite, she stopped where she stood. There was her ex, standing outside her best friend's door, like he was waiting for it to open.

Blair realized a few seconds later that she probably gasped when she saw him, because he turned his head and stared at her, or rather a spot over her left shoulder.

"Nathaniel," for some reason, Blair was so glad to hear Chuck's voice. "To what do we owe this pleasure?" She hadn't even realized he'd followed her from the elevator, but now she was relieved she didn't have to face Nate alone until she regained her bearings.

Nate looked thrown for a second, but then he seemed to find his way, "I was coming up to your suite to hang out for the night, but I decided to stop by here and look for Blair first… what're you doing here, man?"

"Funny you should ask, Nathaniel… I gave Blair a ride from her party because her date never showed up." Blair could hear the slight grit to his teeth when he mentioned how she'd been stood up and silently congratulated him on mostly hiding his irritation at his friend. "And I have other plans, so I apologize; you'll have to find somewhere else to crash." Nate didn't seem to notice that Chuck wasn't exactly happy to see him; Chuck had rebuffed him so effortlessly, Blair could barely tell it was a brush-off.

Nate shrugged his shoulders obliviously, "It's cool, man. Do you mind if I talk to Blair alone?"

Blair minded, but she wasn't going to say so to either of them. Turning to Chuck, she managed a wan smile, "Goodnight, Bass."

When all he did was nod, uneasiness settled in the pit of her stomach; his eyes were on Nate the whole time. He turned and walked to the end of the hall, headed for the elevator.

Taking a deep breath, Blair steeled herself for the conversation to come; it wasn't going to be easy. Then her phone vibrated, giving her a moment longer before she had to inform Nate of their break-up. Removing the object from her purse, she flipped it open to see a text.

U no where I'll B

Trying not to read too much into what Chuck's motivations could be for texting her, Blair turned a sweetly seething smile at her company. "What are you doing here, Nate?"

"Blair, before you say anything…" his hands were up in the air, as if to block himself from the verbal barbs that she was sure to throw at him, "I can explain."

He seemed to think she wanted an explanation, like he could do anything to make her excuse his extreme faus pas. His face looked contrite and forgivable, but all his expression did was really piss her off. "I don't know why you would want to explain." Throwing an indifferent look on her face, she watched the shock fall over his, "Why would you need to make excuses to your ex-girlfriend?"

His face fell, seemingly injured at her words. "What'dyou mean, Blair? We got back together this afternoon and then some things came up with my parents and…"

This time she held a hand out to stop his words before crossing her arms protectively over her chest. "We did not get back together. I said that I would consider it… that we could talk about it tonight… at my party… the same party where you stood me up, without a word and then you didn't even call me at midnight like you always do. And, as if all of that weren't bad enough, Gossip Girl sent a picture of you with some blond tramp draped all over you to the entire city, when everyone knew you were supposed to be by my side and obviously weren't."

"She was just a friend, Blair. I needed some comfort and didn't want to ruin your birthday." Nate approached her now, placing his hands on her shoulders, "Surely you aren't going to throw away what we have over something as silly as a party and a misunderstanding?"

Pushing aside the thought of how a friend comforted her last night, her tone was no-nonsense as she pulled the rug from under him: "HAD." She sighed, watching her single word wash over his face, "After agonizing over things all day today, I've decided to stand by what I said last night and your absence from my birthday party only proves it: you need to focus on your family right now, Nate. They need you…"

She didn't need to finish her declaration from the previous night; the words I don't hung between them in the air like writing in the sky.

"But, Blair…" His right hand came up to graze the side of her face, taking her chin between his thumb and pointer finger, "I… lo… love you."

Even though it pained her not to repeat the strained sentiment, she resisted. There wasn't any way she was going to keep doing this to her heart; letting it get trampled by this confused boy over and over again just wasn't healthy, even if she did care deeply for him. "If that's true, Nate, then you'll let me have my freedom." Taking his haunted face into her hands, running her fingers along his stubbly cheeks, she whispered, "We aren't good for each other right now. I don't know if we ever will be, but right now… all we do is hurt each other. It's not you, it's not me… it's us together that's the problem. We need to have some time to find out who we are apart." Seeing how crushed he was, the moist sheen over his eyes, she sighed, "I do love you, Nathaniel Archibald… but, right now, that's just not enough."

He nodded slowly in agreement, and Blair wondered at her dry eyes as he pulled her into his arms. After allowing herself to be held as long as she dared, she pulled back and smiled sadly at the boy who'd always been her blond prince. "Goodbye, Nate."

"Goodbye, Blair." With those words, he let his hands trail down her arms, momentarily hanging on to her fingertips before her arms dropped to her sides. Then, Nate turned and walked down the hall, around the corner, and out of her life, leaving her in the corridor completely numb.

He would have been pacing the floor of his suite nervously, but Chuck Bass isn't supposed to get nervous, so he just sat on a barstool with his head on the counter. In his hands, on his lap, was the golden bag that seemed to be stalking him like an undead character from one of those dreadfully corny zombie movies. His driver had come to the door and handed him the bag that he'd accidentally left in the car.

He was starting to regret ever buying the thing.

Deciding that a glass of scotch would definitely not be uncalled for at this point in time, he hopped down from the stool and walked around the bar, where he tucked the bag into a cupboard. Maybe the store would let him return it in the morning. Although, if the luck he was having tonight was any indication, the clerk would probably laugh in his face if he tried.

After his driver had shown up, startling him and disappointing him in not being Blair, all he could think about was how he shouldn't have sent that text. She and Nate were probably making up this very moment. Sure, she swore that there was no going back to him, but Chuck knew how things worked. The Blair Waldorf's of the world always went back to the Nathaniel Archibald's and they left their lascivious trysts with the Chuck Bass's to be buried by their societal good deeds.

All he'd achieved by offering her support was to leave himself open for yet another lesson in heartbreak; Blair excelled in teach the subject.

His scotch in hand, he toasted the empty room, "To my misplaced intelligence… may it never abandon me again." It was after he threw back the bitter liquid that the knock on his door came.

Placing the glass on the bar surface, he sauntered over to the entrance of his room, wondering who the fuck it could be. When he looked through the peephole and saw the chestnut curls, escaping from her hairclip one by one, he took a deep breath to calm those nonexistent nerves.

Opening the door, he briefly noticed how calm she seemed, serene almost. Schooling his features with a look of boredom, he drawled, "What is it now, Waldorf?"

It seemed that all it took to make her calm façade crumble was the sound of his voice. "Chuck," she whispered as one tear slowly slid down her cheek, "Can I come in?"

He'd greeted coldly her with her last name, but she'd responded by using his first; it was the only sign he needed that she was falling apart. Chuck found that he didn't know what he could possibly say to her, so he opened his arms in uncertainty.

It surprised the hell out of him when she flew into his waiting embrace.

A/N: One thing that really irked me about the show is how we didn't see the NB break-up, which I'm sure they had, because Blair would have had quite a few things to say to him. I couldn't help from exploring that here and I hope you forgive me for the NB mush… I was trying to make it believable. If it totally turned your stomach, next chapter should make it up to you. :smirk: Hopefully my CB will cooperate next chapter and you'll be rewarded. Let me know what you thought of my super long chapter. I need to get better at finding a stopping place. :lol: