A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews thus far… everyone's been so amazing and I love to hear your feedback on my writing. This is a pretty long story, so I want to thank everyone for hanging in there with me… and let you know that it's far from over. ;) Kinda like Chuck and Blair.

Special Thanks to the lovely Vanessa for the last minute beta-job; you're the best internet wifey a girl can have. :kiss: Love you!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair; I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads for my own obsessive enjoyment.

If Only

Chapter 17

"I've Been Down"

About an hour after the phone call to her best friend Blair heard the soft knock on the outside of her bathroom door. After a second, a softly spoken, "Hey, it's me," followed in her best friend's voice.

While waiting, Blair sat on her bathroom floor thinking about what she'd done and what had brought her to this point in her previously perfect day and listening to Chuck's voicemail a few more times. Every time she played the message back, she caught another nervous nuance in his voice and it made her smile.

Serena would've been there sooner, but she was coming from her first Brooklyn Thanksgiving, with her boyfriend's family. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't take ten minutes to cross the bridge.

When the blonde let herself into the bathroom, she didn't waste time in sitting down next to Blair on the floor and putting her arms around her. The moment of silence that followed was broken by the only thing that Blair could think to say: "I didn't mean for it to happen." She'd been staring at the wall since Serena had finally shown up, but she still couldn't look at her. The shame she felt over her relapse was enormous, and she was afraid that her friend's eyes would only criticize her lack of control.

When Serena's hand guided Blair's head to face hers, the blue eyes peering into Blair's brown ones were full of sympathy as Serena stated, "I didn't see your dad downstairs."

Heaving a sigh of relief at not seeing the judgment she'd expected in her friend's eyes, Blair tilted her head to rest against her friend's shoulder before speaking, "My mother just decides everything, you know? Everything in the world is just totally up to her." A tear slipped down her cheek and onto Serena's shirt, "It's like I'm never supposed to make my own decisions, everyone wants to live my life for me."

It was the blonde's turn to sigh as she responded, "I'm sorry about this morning, B." Blair lifted her head to meet her friend's gaze as Serena took her hands with her own. "I want you to be happy; I was just trying to help you make sure it lasts. I just think that, even with as happy as you looked this morning, it can't last until Nate knows. The way that he finds out could mean everything because it would kill him to find out from someone other than you and Chuck." Grinning, she concluded, "I think you deserve to be happy… even if it's beyond me how Chuck is the one giving you a reason to smile."

Smiling fondly at her best friend, Blair replied, "I don't expect you to understand me and Chuck when I don't even understand." Giggling nervously, she continued, "I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing when I'm with him, like I've never been in a relationship; everything's completely new." Sighing, she squeezed Serena's hands, "Right now, this whole situation is unpredictable. Once I'm sure that it's not going to blow up in my face sometime soon, I will tell Nate. I just don't want to hurt him until I know it's going to be worth him hurting… and I need you to understand that."

"I do, B," Serena took her hands from Blair's and wrapped her arms around the brunette. Blair felt her friend take a deep breath before asking, "Are you going to tell me what happened earlier?"

Releasing Serena from the embrace, Blair sighed, "I really don't want to talk about it, S." What she needed right now was a distraction, not to rehash the insecurities that had been plaguing her all day long.

Luckily, her best friend knows her well.

The blonde nodded, "Okay… then why don't we get outta here? Outta this apartment, to a place a little more sane."

Rolling her eyes with a sarcastic chuckle, Blair responded, "Any place would qualify."

Serena stood up slowly, holding her hands down to help Blair, "Then let's go!"

When Serena suggested they get out of there, it didn't take much coaxing.

The two girls went across the Brooklyn Bridge to spend an amusing afternoon with the Humphrey family. Watching the Humphrey and Van der Woodsen families find out about their intertwined past, and freak out about Lily and Rufus's past relationship, went far in cheering Blair up. Scandalous secrets always did have that affect on her and the spectacle they made of themselves cheered her for a little while.

When the afternoon was over she was back in a cab, on her way to Manhattan and away from the distractions, her mind turned back to all that the amusement had helped her forget. Her issues weren't going to go away after one day of distraction, so she'd promised Serena that she'd call her doctor in the morning. Obviously she'd need to spend a little time with the professional that had guided her when her condition was much worse if she didn't want to relapse again.

And she definitely didn't want to feel that out of control ever again.

The entire day had been exhausting, so she made mental plans to relax once she'd arrived home; go upstairs to her room, soak in the tub, and go to bed early. Once she was in bed, she would be free to fall asleep and forget this day ever happened.

Or, maybe she'd be free to call Chuck as soon as possible. She pushed that thought away as quickly as she could; just because his importance to her hadn't escaped her notice, didn't mean she had to admit she looked forward to their phone conversations.

Yet.

Blair decided to take a detour really quick, to grab herself a bottle of water before heading up the stairs, but she found her mother in the kitchen looking quite very alone. "Mom… here you are," Blair stated as she walked into the room and over to her mother.

"Here you are! You had me worried sick," her mother exclaimed before sighing, "Blair, I know I shouldn't have lied to you about your father…"

Blair resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she responded, "That never stopped you before."

"True," Eleanor acquiesced, "But, the real truth…" A bundle of papers were brandished and then placed on the counter, "divorce papers from your father and I'm supposed to sign them." Sighing tiredly, she added, "I haven't yet."

It was a blow, hearing that the papers were a reality, but not surprising. "Mom, he's living in Europe… with a man." After the scandal of her father's sexual orientation, Blair thought that her mother would want a divorce. It was difficult for her mother to bounce back after the shock, but she seemed to be holding it together until now. Blair reached out and squeezed her mother's shoulder, "You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce."

"I'm not," Eleanor sighed, "But what I am surprised about is how it makes me feel. He was my husband after all…" her voice cracked, "my Harold, for almost twenty years. I couldn't face him during the holidays; it was always our happiest time." And it now made sense why her mother had canceled her father's visit; it appears that Blair wasn't the only Waldorf woman who used the 'out of sight, out of mind' line of thinking. If her father wasn't here, then her mother didn't have to deal with the situation.

It didn't explain why her mother didn't just tell Blair about the papers. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"

Scoffing, her mother asked, "And let you choose between the two of us? I wonder who would have won that battle. I would've been entirely alone… and," Shaking her head, she added downheartedly, "I was anyway."

Fighting back the wave of guilt that she knew she should be feeling, Blair decided to be neutral; they'd both hurt each other today, but the day could still be somewhat salvaged. "It's still Thanksgiving, Mom…"

Skeptically, Eleanor replied, "Yeah, it is…"

Blair shrugged, "What do ya wanna do?"

The older woman hid her surprise quickly before responding, "Why don't you fill me in on your life?" Smiling at the shock that Blair could feel on her features, Eleanor added, "I've been out of town so much that I'm sure I'm way behind."

Unsure of what or how much she wished to tell her mother, Blair started, "School's going fine."

Her mother laughed, "While that's wonderful, I meant more like why you uninvited Serena this morning. Did you two have a fight?"

It was surprising to Blair that Eleanor had remembered the morning; it seemed so far away to Blair. "This morning we had a disagreement about Nate," she began. Taking a moment, she decided that her mother would inevitably find out parts of the story, so they could be told; Chuck would remain a secret for now. "You see, mom… we broke up."

There was no quick-erase for the shock on Eleanor's face this time; "You what? When?"

Blair spent some time telling her mother about the Nate break-up, leaving out many of the details. Refusing Eleanor's condolences, she explained how the situation was for the best and her mother seemed to except it.

She left out Chuck and his place in the whole ordeal; it would be fine for her mother to think she was single for awhile.

After catching Eleanor up on the twists and turns her love life had taken, Blair listened as her mother told her about her trips abroad and soon two hours had passed. Looking at the clock to see that it was ten at night, Blair excused herself and headed up the stairs.

Talking about the end of Blair and Nate had made her even more eager to talk to Chuck; not talking about him to her mother had been harder than she'd anticipated. The message that he'd left her was still fresh in her mind and she couldn't wait to hear how his day had gone.

It was still early, for a weekend, when she had finished showering, grabbed her phone, and crawled into bed. Curled up under the covers, she didn't hesitate before pressing the number 'three' on her phone. It was the speed dial key that had belonged to Nate for years, but now belonged to his best friend. As of her birthday, Chuck had replaced her ex-boyfriend's place on the list and Nate had been removed completely.

There was a tingly feeling in her chest when Chuck picked up on the first ring.

When Chuck finally arrived back at the Palace late Saturday evening, it was hard to believe he was finally here. Over the past few days he'd sat through meetings and gone on hotel tours thinking of what he'd be coming back to.

The flight being delayed for an iced over runway was something he'd not counted on and he hoped that Blair wasn't too angry with him for being so late. When the announcement had been made, he'd called to tell her he'd be a few hours longer, but he hadn't expected a seven hour delay.

It was three in the morning before he'd put his key in the lock of 1812 and turned it to step inside.

Carrying his suitcase with him, he placed it down just inside the doorway to look around the room with a heavy heart. There was an un-opened champagne bottle floating in a bucket of water sitting next to a table set for two with the room service tray waiting close by. Candles were set on every available surface, some burnt out completely, while a few were still lighting the room with a dim glow.

In the middle of it all was Blair, lying on his bed, dressed in a crimson corset ensemble, fast asleep. Even though he felt bad her plans had been ruined, all the sight of her did was warm the area below his throat; he supposed this was what it felt like when your heart swelled.

After stripping down to his boxer shorts, he walked around the room, blowing out each of the lit candles and studying her sleeping form while the light remained. When the task was done, he drew the covers up from the foot of the bed and over her before slipping into bed beside her. Carefully, he drew her into his arms without waking her and reveled in the feel of her against him.

Lying there in the dark, with the sound of her even breathing filling the air, he didn't need the seduction she'd no doubt had planned. Every night he'd been away, his bed had felt so cold and lonely, but now he could hold her.

It was a little frightening, knowing that her presence was what he'd really missed.

A/N: Yay! I'm finished with "Blair Waldorf Must Pie!" Finally, I know… but now the real fun can begin. ;) I'd love to know what you thought, so please tell me!