A/N: I had the timing off in the last chapter when it came to calendar days, so I adjusted Hi Society's first day from six days after CB become a couple to twenty days. I'm sorry for any confusion; I've posted my official timeline in my profile if you're confused by the flow of events so far. This took awhile because the content of the chapter just hit too close to where the episodes are right now, so it was difficult for me to write.

Special thanks to LynniePearl for helping me with the kinks in this… Even though she won't believe that I'm not better than her. :P Love you my Lynne! –kiss-

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair; I just like to put words in their mouths and knock sense into their stubborn heads for my own obsessive enjoyment.

If Only

Chapter 19

"On the Rocks"

Twenty days; that's how long it'd been since Chuck and his best friend's ex-girlfriend became a couple behind that same friend's back. For almost three weeks he'd been waiting for her to bring it up first and she still hadn't expressed an interest in ending the secrecy.

He'd never been in a relationship, never cared for anyone as much as he did for Blair, and she seemed content that no one ever knew. It just didn't seem right that everyone go on thinking him incapable of commitment when he felt so much for the brunette. He wanted everyone to know just who she belonged to.

It hurt that she didn't seem to care if anyone beside them ever knew.

The matter was getting more pressing the longer they kept their relationship a secret; people were starting to notice that Chuck Bass wasn't bringing a different girl home from every event, that neither he nor Blair were spending much time out in public, and if one more girl hit on him he expected everyone would notice the signs of a Classic Waldorf Meltdown. Even if that would gain him a public relationship with Blair, he wasn't sure that was quite the way to go about it.

Especially if it would cause him to lose her.

The coup de gras though, would have to be his best friend's increasing curiosity about the changes Blair seemed to be undergoing; Chuck even had a minor panic attack when Nate confessed to possibly missing Blair. The way he threw the words "you don't miss her, man" in his best friend's face wasn't exactly subtle.

He really shouldn't have been surprised when Nate showed up at Blair's apartment just after his name had been mentioned, after both Blair and Chuck had awkwardly stumbled through the slip of her ex's name, and right before Chuck finally divested her of those stupid tights.

The only person he feared could take her away would show up after his name had been spoken. It was just the way that Chuck's luck seemed to run, really.

So here he was, frozen underneath Blair as her panicked eyes searched his for some unnamed thing. He wished he could tell what she was thinking, that he knew why Nate's presence caused her so much turmoil.

There was only one reason he could imagine that it would be, but he refused to even think it.

Even when he'd heard who was waiting downstairs for his girlfriend he was trying to tell himself that he had nothing to worry about. No matter how determined Nate had been that morning, talking about how he thought he missed Blair, there was no way that she would go back to him.

Chuck and Blair belonged to each other and not even Nate could take her away now.

Right?

After her moment of alarm, Blair leaned down and kissed him tenderly, stroking his face with her hand like she was trying to calm him. It was like she knew the fear that was running through him right now.

Sometimes it was scary how well she knew him.

When she climbed off the bed, straightened her outfit and walked out the door to descend the stairs, he took a moment to breathe. His heart was beating wildly, so he continued his mantra, telling himself that he had nothing to worry about; Blair would shut Nate down.

If only she hadn't reacted the way she had just now to the thought of them being together in public. He could have relaxed if she hadn't spoken Nate's name, if she hadn't insisted on going to Cotillion with an escort other than him when he'd been completely willing to take her.

He felt insecure and nervous and he hated it, hated the fact that he couldn't stand the thought of losing her. It was becoming quickly apparent that he may just be in love with his best friend's ex-girlfriend.

He was scared shitless.

Unable to sit idly by while Nate hit on his girlfriend, Chuck left the bed to eavesdrop from the landing at the top of the stairs; from here he could hear the former couple perfectly.

Nate was talking about Cotillion, wanting to take Blair even though they were no longer together. Some of the pressure that had built in Chuck's chest when Blair had left the room eased when his girlfriend told her ex that the only thing they should be doing together was moving on.

It sounded for a moment like Nate was about to give up, but the next words that his best friend spoke sent a chill through him, "I pulled out this sweater and found this."

If Chuck didn't have such a large part of his heart at stake in this game, he would have congratulated his friend on the unusual display of cunning. Bringing in a gift given to him by Blair was such a devious move on Nate's part that Chuck kind of admired him for it.

Well played, Archibald.

Chuck only had to wait a moment before he found out Blair's reaction to this particular move, and the way her voice went soft and nostalgic as she took in the sight that Chuck knew was before her didn't ease any of his fears. "That's my pin; I sewed it there so you'd always have my heart on your sleeve."

Nate response was predictably unassuming, "Yeah, I thought you might want it back or something…"

Chuck held his breath until Blair spoke again, her words completely taking him off guard: "I would, actually."

His heartbeat began to speed in his chest, pumping exhilaration through his veins; he knew what that pin meant to her and exactly what it meant that she wanted it back. It meant that Chuck had won; she'd finally chosen him over her childhood dream of Prince Charming, the one that Nate personified.

He felt like he could fly.

His best friend had obviously not expected her to request the gift back, because he bumbled through his response, something along the lines of, "Oh, well, here… take it."

There was silence between the two exes as the tiny piece of jewelry presumably changed hands.

Of course, Blair's next words brought Chuck crashing down to earth again: "I guess we could go to the ball together as friends."

The smile in his best friend's voice turned Chuck's stomach: "Sure, of course… just as friends."

As his girlfriend and his best friend started making plans for the next few days leading up to Cotillion, Chuck tuned the voices out. He didn't need to hear anything more; he didn't think he could stand to listen to talk about flowers and tuxedo fittings when his chest was constricting like this.

Stalking over to Blair's bed, he sat down and clenched his hands in the comforter on either side of his thighs, his heart heavy in his tight chest.

He knew that Nate's intentions towards Blair, towards Chuck's girlfriend were nowhere near mere friendship… why couldn't she see that?

Chuck wasn't sure who he disliked more at the moment: Nate for thinking that he could win Blair back easily, himself for being the reason why Nate couldn't get her back or Blair for making him feel so much and then allowing herself to be lured into Nate's trap.

When her ex-boyfriend got into the elevator and left, Blair hurried back upstairs to Chuck, hell-bent on buttering him up before telling him of her change in Cotillion plans. She was going into battle and she had to have a damn good explanation as to why Nate was an option for dance partner when she'd been so adamant about not going with Chuck.

Most of all, she had to completely convince Chuck that he had nothing to worry about. She was over Nate, of that she was completely certain, but she had a feeling that getting Chuck to see that for a fact would be difficult after what she'd just done.

When she re-entered her room, her boyfriend was sitting on her bed with his knees together. A blank expression was on his face, like someone had wiped it clean and left only a hard mask. Ignoring his obvious upset, she walked over to him, straddled his lap, and began to run her mouth over his neck, peppering it with kisses.

His hands didn't move from his sides, didn't caress her back or tangle his fingers in her hair. He didn't even lean his head back to give her better access to his neck.

Chuck Bass was frozen and after a moment of her failed attempts to get him to physically respond, all he did was ask, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Then she was forced to acknowledge that he'd heard every word that she'd shared with her ex-boyfriend downstairs.

So much for telling him about her change in dance plans after showing him how much he meant to her.

Suppressing a shudder at the chill his tone evoked, she continued to kiss his skin and responded nonchalantly between pecks, "Oh, I'm going to Cotillion with Nate. No big deal."

Abruptly, he lifted her up and set her on her feet, then stood himself so that he could face her; she could see the rage in his eyes, just barely contained beneath the surface. "How is that not a big deal, Blair? You're going on a date with your ex-boyfriend!"

"It's not a date, Bass," she sighed patronizingly. Stepping toward him, she placed a hand on his arm. "We're going as friends."

He shook it off and accused, "For old times sake?"

"Yes!" She threw her arms up in the air out of frustration, "What's wrong with that?!"

He just stared at her, like he couldn't believe that she could possibly be right. Like he thought her insane for not seeing the wrong in her going to the dance with a friend.

Why couldn't he just trust her? She'd spent so much time the last few weeks showing him that he was the one she cared for. Frankly, this was way out of line on his side and it hadn't taken long for this possessive line of questioning to get her back up.

All thought of persuading him went out the window and she couldn't stop her normal defense mechanisms from kicking in. "Why are you being so insecure, Chuck?" She raised an eyebrow when his expression turned even darker, "How many labels do we have to go through until you'll understand that I'm with you and not Nate?"

His eyes iced over and his tone was even colder when he asked, "How many times are you going to choose him over me?"

She yelled in frustration, "I'm not, dammit!" The heart in her chest was beating so hard that she thought it would jump out, her face was hot and so was her temper. "But if you're going to act like this…" she trailed off, losing her nerve to strike as viciously as possible.

"What is it?!" He was shaking slightly with restrained rage when he demanded, "Say it!"

With blood boiling, she deadpanned, "Maybe I should choose him."

To his credit, she barely saw the pain cross his face before the old asshole mask, the one that she hadn't seen in about a month, slid over his features. "How do I know you haven't been? All this time… I bet you've been imaging I was him."

Her body went cold; somewhere inside her, the ire that had caused this fight was warring with the heart that the rift was tearing through.

The anger won the battle, but she still choked on the words when she asked, "And if I said that was true?"

"Then I'd have to congratulate you," he replied quietly. The strength seemed to have been drained from his body as he added, "You really know how to hurt someone, Blair."

A surge of victory flowed through her, so she taunted, "The great Chuck Bass? Hurt? What happened, forget to wear your thick skin today?"

His face was pale, his mouth trying to form words as he shook his head; "I was enough of a fool to think I might not need it around you anymore." Eyes that were glassy with unshed tears met hers as he stumbled through two more words: "Goodbye, Blair."

With that, Chuck Bass gave up.

He turned and walked out and it was watching him leave that suddenly filled with remorse; what just happened? She was filled with a slowly swarming panic, building up the tension in her body quickly as she realized that she didn't know why she'd just done that.

She had no idea what possessed her to confirm something that was in no way true. If anything, it was the furthest from that truth since she hadn't thought about Nate and her relationship with him in two weeks, at least.

Why had she thrown a knife that she knew would wound him deepest? What had come over her?

She needed to fix this, she needed him, so she ran to the doorway as tears welled up in her eyes. Looking over the railing, she screamed his name just as the doors to the elevator closed behind him. Sinking to the floor against the railing, the pain and guilt overwhelmed her; he probably didn't even hear her try to stop him.

Breathing deeply, she didn't even try to fight the tears and sobs and gasps that came from her body; there was no denying that there would be too many to bottle up. Especially when all she could see was his broken face and the tears that he'd kept from falling.

She'd been responsible for the pain. It was all her fault that he was hurting.

And she didn't even know why she'd done it.

A/N: Blair's confused, are you? –lol- I hope to have next chapter to you soon. Please let me know what you thought.