A/N: I am incredibly sorry for being so inconsistent with my updates. Some would say that I have no obligation to feel remorse, but I really am sorry. I love this story but I've been getting stuck more and more trying to stick to the show's progression and it's stunting things, causing blockage. Please know that I will finish this, no matter what. Being determined is something that I've very good at, so rest assured that you didn't start this story in vain. It may be taking me much longer than it should to write, but I will reach my denouement. This is probably not a very exciting chapter to come back with after so long a hiatus, but please hang in there and don't hate me. :P Thank you to everyone who's still taking this ride with me. Your support is extremely appreciated.

SPECIAL THANKS to my co-mod Isa for giving this a quick look-see. I love you! -kiss-

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, I just want to prove they can stand by each other through anything.

Chapter 32

"Change in My Life"

The night after confessing her problem to Serena, Blair was having second thoughts. It seemed that, while telling her best friend about her possible pregnancy had soothed her the night before, it was causing her panic now. The reason was glaringly obvious after her breakfast came right back up the next morning.

Blair's possible pregnancy was most likely very real. Her friend's automatic inclination to have her take a test had frightened her. It meant that Serena wasn't going to wait long before trying to take matters into her own hands. It was just what she did when she cared about someone.

Serena had always been a meddler. She kind of lived for it.

As Blair made her way to school, she considered different ways to mention it to Serena that her period had come the night before, or that morning, even. Then she would be safe until the time came when she had to admit her condition to everyone. If that was what she decided to do.

If her situation with Chuck continued in this way, she might infringe on her father's hospitality and just disappear for the summer. No one would be the wiser; except for the heartbreak, she could go back to her life before Chuck. The thought of living life without unseen possibilities was slightly appealing... but she could never been the same again.

There were changes to her life she'd never escape now.

She ran into Vanessa on her way into the school and took the chance to ask for the video evidence she held. If the girl knew what was good for her, she would hand over the tape. Of course, she really shouldn't expect it would be that easy to save Chuck from himself. He'd allowed the one person who fancied herself above bribery to gain sensitive information about their secret relationship. Sometimes the boy was more idiotic than she remembered.

Maybe it was the loss of her influence that made him that way.

She allowed her encounter with Docu-Girl to roll off her back for now; there would be other opportunities to get that tape back and Blair would concentrate on that later. For now, she needed to find Serena and undo the damage she'd caused the night before.

An assembly was called before Blair was given the chance to execute the plan she'd settled on.

Then Nate was expelled. Wrongfully expelled. Why would he confess to something he didn't do? Had he found out that Serena was the owner of the key? Was he still hung up on her? The last seemed unlikely, since he'd been very persistent in his pursuit of Blair herself, but it was still a possibility.

Possibilities were so inconvenient.

There was a time when Blair lived in a world that offered her no surprises; life then was a place that bent to her will and she reveled in her control of it. The insecurity of this life was something she hadn't signed up for.

Neither was the heartbreak.

After the assembly was over, Blair was overwhelmed with sympathy for her friend Nate. Even though she had registered Chuck's eyes watching her closely, she went to his best friend. Some things were just more important than a petty rivalry.

"Nate, are you okay?" she asked as she caught up with him.

He slung his backpack strap over his shoulder and slowed his stride. "I'll be fine." His eyes stayed on the ground as he talked himself into that fact out loud. "It's uh... my parents have so much other stuff going on right now, they'll get over it." Then his soft gaze met hers. "Either way, it was worth it."

Blair gulped. "Worth it?"

"Yes, Blair," he sighed. "I know how much your future means to you. I mean you've worked so hard for Yale and everything-"

There was a flash fire in his eyes that caused her to cut him off in shock. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't have to lie; I saw the key in your bedroom."

She blinked. "That key isn't mine; I was just hiding it for someone else." Then his words began to sink in. The words that explained why he'd just marred his transcript, just risked his parents wrath, just humiliated himself in front of their entire class: for her. "Wait, that's why you were suspended? You told the headmistress it was yours because you thought it was mine? Nate, that's..." she took a deep breath, "one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me."

"I love you." He smoothed her hair away from her face and cupped her cheek, leaning in to kiss her.

She almost let him and then she snapped her head away from his touch.

"Please!" She shook her head. "You and I just can't happen"

"Why not?" Nate's eyes were pleading with her to give him a good reason why. Blair's heart was screaming his best friend's name while her head argued that Chuck wasn't a factor anymore. There was no reason why she shouldn't be with Nate. No reason why her heart should still be yearning for her child's father when all it led to was more heartache. No reason why she shouldn't want Nate, whose kindness was such a breath of fresh air after Chuck's cruelty.

There were so many reasons why she should throw herself into Nate's arms, but she still backed away from him and listened to her heart.

"I don't wanna be with you," she said, her voice unwavering in it's conviction.

He throat worked for a second before he turned to walk away. She felt the slight sting of his bitterness as he faintly repeated her words from the night of the pool party. "Good catching up."

As she watched him go, it was hard to convince herself she'd done the right thing.

Chuck watched from across the courtyard as his ex-girlfriend conversed with his best friend. He saw the pain across the boy's face as she'd turned him down again, then watched the faltering of her will as Nate walked dejectedly away from her. It was then that she looked up and locked her eyes on his.

His stomach was suddenly full of angry bees, stinging his insides in punishment for the pain in her expression. From her pinched forehead to her frown, he was the source of every line marking her face. She was beautiful in her anguish, tragically so, and he wanted to take her in his arms to taste it, to kiss every inch of it because it was his. She had belonged to him and every part of him still clung to her.

If he knew taking a step toward her would change their situation, he would take it. His foot twitched in anticipation of moving in the direction that would make him whole again and end his trip through the wasteland he currently traveled.

But his feet stayed rooted to the place where he stood.

Nothing had changed. Not even now that she cared enough to hurt over his treatment of her had changed what they had become. They were separated by the mistakes they'd made and taking that step would pull him back under. It would open his heart back up to the vulnerability of feeling, drowning him in the quicksand of loving her too much. The pain he currently suffered was a mosquito bite compared to the all-consuming despair he'd exist in if he willingly let her tear him apart again.

Instead of walking toward her, he turned away and headed for The Palace. Once there, he could toss the tape in his pocket into the trash and pretend for a moment that his feelings followed it. He could pretend that there was nothing left between himself and the brunette bombshell who'd scattered his life in the fallout from experiencing her fire.

Even if every glance they shared proved it his freedom from her thrall be a lie. If he could fool himself for even a few minutes, it would be worth the reprieve.

At this point, any good sense he possessed had been long lost as collateral damage.

After arriving back at her penthouse, Blair had time enough to change her outfit before the doorman called up to announce a visitor. She had arrived at the bottom of the staircase as Vanessa walked into the foyer from the elevator. Blair rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

The dark haired girl held up a tiny video tape. "I brought this for you."

Narrowing her eyes Blair asked, "What's the catch?"

A self-righteous smirk twisted Vanessa's mouth. "I know this might come as a shock, but not everyone operates from an agenda. In fact, some people do things simply because it's the decent thing to do." She held out the tape so that Blair could take it from her. "Smash it, burn it, whatever; there are no copies."

Pulling it from the other girl's fingers, there was only one more order of business before Blair could dismiss her. "What about the one you gave to Chuck?"

"It's blank, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled to discover." Blair had to stop herself from sighing in relief at this as Vanessa continued: "And about what's on that tape: having observed you in your natural habitat these last few days, Nate seems like one of the good guys and you seem to really care about him."

Without missing a beat, Blair responded softly, "Appearances can be deceiving."

As the bewildered Brooklynite walked back to the elevator, her words echoed through Blair's head. Sure, the girl really didn't know Nate, Chuck, or Blair, but it was hard to completely discount her view of their interaction.

Nate was a good guy most of the time, who'd done a few unsavory things in the past. His naivete tended to get him into some situations that he hadn't foreseen, which got him in deeper than he expected and led to the trouble he could sometimes find himself in.

But Chuck could be a good guy, too. Blair had seen it over and over again when they'd been alone. She had seen him be considerate and vulnerable, experienced the kindness of his touch and the gentle affection that had shown in his eyes when held her. It had been awhile, but there was something about the way he'd looked at her in the courtyard that told her not to discount it. She'd expected him to be furious with her for going to Nate after the assembly. Instead, he'd just watched her. Almost like he knew she was wavering.

Because she was. Surprisingly, she was finding Nate slipping into her thoughts more than he had in months, even in the time when they'd been spending all their free time in each others' company.

Admitting that to herself made her heart hurt a little.

Her heart still belonged to Chuck, but her brain was starting to see an advantage to Nate's current obsession with her.

After destroying the tape by breaking it in half and tossing it in her bathroom garbage can, Blair had one more piece of business to attend to regarding the damning piece of plastic: it required a cab ride to Brooklyn and a conversation with a greasy-looking Ukrainian. It was a relief to tell Vanessa about her bit of altruism in return for the tape. The tiny bit of gratitude that Blair had felt towards the other girl had been weighing on her. The medical grant Vanessa had started in Chuck's name not withstanding.

Now that Blair was free to return to disliking her, life felt a little less off balance.

Balance was very hard to come by these days, her current condition added to her ex-boyfriends made the whole world seem off-kilter. She found herself yearning for the days before her break-up with Nate more and more just because they seemed so much simpler when she looked back on them now. It was obvious that they'd been meant to end, but the reasons didn't seem as earth-shattering now. The heartbreak she could have sworn she'd gone through had dulled with time and it seemed like maybe he'd never really hurt her at all.

The events of the last few months had given her sensory overload of the most acute kind and everything else seemed dim in comparison with the degrees of love and pain she'd experienced since Chuck had dared her to dance. There was nothing about her life before that moment that seemed as sharp and damaging as what she lived with every day now. Would going back to those days, where her biggest worry was the next party and what she would wear, be possible? With Nate at her side, she just might be able to recapture that carefree feeling she'd lost. Would it be something that made her life make sense again, for just a little while?

It couldn't last. It wouldn't last. And if Chuck held fast to his threat, then it could end as quick as Blair could put it in motion.

But her sanity demanded that she try. That she go to Nate and try to obtain some normalcy before her life went topsy-turvy for the rest of it.

They say that when it rains, it pours. Everything about the world seemed to be coming down around her and Nate seemed like he might be the safe port in her current storm.

And it had been so long since she'd truly felt safe.

A/N: This is all I've got for now, but I'm going to try extremely hard not to take so long for the next. I really am grateful you're still here to read this.