Despite everything, when they returned and Lavellan had a moment to breathe, Cullen pulled her into a hug, crushing her against his body. He sighed with relief, leaving the Inquisitor extremely confused. She had been in her quarters for a short time before he showed up. He looked exhausted, and wore his casual clothes. But seeing him made her stomach flutter.
"Cullen, I-"
"I worry about you, Lavellan." He interrupted. "I'm- I apologize. Magic is... I have..." He couldn't seem to find the words.
"Sit with me?" She offered, patting her bed next to where she already sat. "I wanted to ask you... about... well. Do you want to.. talk about... your past?" The question felt awkward. Cullen looked surprised.
"I, er..."
"No pressure. Just. If you want to." She met his gaze.
Cullen took a deep breath. "The first woman I was in love with was a Mage. Th-the Hero of Ferelden. When she was a Circle mage. I.." He paused, shaky hand snaking through golden hair. "Nothing ever came of it. I could... hardly speak to her. When... the events at the Tower happened.. there were so many abominations and... and... those Maker damned desire demons tortured me. With her. Looking like her." He grimaced, as if in pain.
"Oh, Cullen, I-"
"I watched friends and colleagues die, watched them get slaughtered. I saw mages be possessed. I had to kill people I did care for... Magic caused it all. And I... I couldn't move past it. They moved me to Kirkwall. I... hated mages." His voice was shaking, so he took a long pause. Lavellan stared at him, head tilted to the side a bit.
"Kirkwall ended up with Knight-Captain Meredith going crazy with red lyrium delusions, yes?" Lavellan said.
"Yes. I trusted her. I... I killed for her paranoia and delusions. I thought- that I was doing the right thing. That mages needed to be locked up. I became a monster... After the Tower the Mages felt so dangerous. Became so dangerous. Magic felt... evil. I regret many of my actions. I do not want to be tied to them or that life... but I can't take back the past." The man slumped a bit. "I am... I'm sorry." His voice cracked.
Lavellan was silent for a few moments. It felt like a lifetime to Cullen. "I didn't mean for you to feel any magic, Cullen. I'm sorry." She finally offered, lamely.
"No.. no. I'm sorry for running. I thought of the Tower.. regret... harm... I am sorry. I do not blame you if you can't forgive me." He seemed genuine as they met eyes, his full of grief. "Part of quitting lyrium was to... remove myself from... that life."
A long pause followed, before Cullen spoke again. "I'm sorry, Lavellan." He murmured to the woman. She nodded. His story was unsettling at best. But... people change. Right? Shem couldn't all be the same...
Before she could think, her lips were on his, savoring the taste of him. He responded immediately, pulling her into his lap. It elicited a gasp from Lavellan, and Cullen loved it. "Maker, you're so beautiful."
She pulled back, cupping his face in her hands. "For this to work, I... need you to promise me something."
"Yes- what is it?"
"Work with me about magic. Please?"
Cullen nodded. "I shall. I must."