Chapter 44
Hawke did not return to Fenris' mansion that evening as she had promised.
In fact she did not even return within a week.
Instead she followed her mother around and hid behind her noble status, going to lunches and feasts, pretending that what happened that night would soon disappear along with every other mistake she had made. Sometimes when they walked past the abandoned mansion she would give a fleeting glance, but left it as it was and caught up with her mother.
She could not do it, not again. Tamlen was different, she had been better and full of youth- of naïve hopes and wishes that all teenage girls had. No, things were different and she was selfish. Oh Maker, she knew she was selfish. She had lied to Fenris, she knew as soon as she exited the mansion that night she would not return the next evening. Selfish. She was always selfish. Carver had made sure that the bitter part of her stayed in, without him here she felt like she was on a path of pure self-destruction- luring others onto to the ship whilst knowing it would sink.
A small part of her commanded her to go to his mansion, to apologise and venture into the unknown with him, but that was wrong. It was all wrong, ever since Carver left. Carver was something to hold onto, someone to fight for. Now she was just a lonely little girl again and she was slowly losing herself and there was no one to stop it. She had changed, without a shield she had become weak, seeking comfort in other men's allures and playing with it to her advantage. She played on it to get what she wanted. Fenris was right, she and Isabela had a lot more in common than Hawke would like to admit.
And where would it go? Where would it go if she had decided to go back to him? What could she do, tell him that she was just as messed up as he was? Would they have a close conversation and then skip off into the sunset? No, not whilst her mother was alive. Leandra Amell would rather die than see her last child make the same mistakes as she did.
She blamed the alcohol she had drank that night, that's why she was so open to his touch. She ignored the small part of her that fluttered at the memory, the part that told her that she had wanted him just as much as he had wanted her. The last time she had been touched it was grimey, dirty and wrong, but this time she accepted it, consented to his kisses and that in its own way made her feel wrong.
A wrong that felt right, how poetic of her.
They were both as fucked up as each other, and as her father always said "two wrongs never make a right," yet it tore at her. Her heart whispered that Fenris was right for her, but her mind bellowed that they were both two bitter, angry people that could not form a relationship. She had not meant to react to him like she did and she would bet her weight in gold that he felt the same. How could they function after this? Was he still even in the mansion? Her stomach dropped at Fenris leaving, but it was no less than she deserved.
She could not even tell Carver what had truly happened to her, how could she tell Fenris? No, it was best she left it where it was at. They both could never be free, and she would not cage him with her own demons. She was not as valuable to Eric as Fenris was to Danarius, but she knew that there would be a time in the future where the wolf would not remain hidden. And how could she do that to him? If Danarius were to fall, how could she chain him once again? She wouldn't, she couldn't.
"Aria, if you stare at that scone any harder I'm going to begin to think you're going mad, child," Mother's voice simmered through her thoughts.
"Am I not already mad? My apologies mother, I was lost in my thoughts," Hawke replied, lifting the scone to her mouth.
"You're so much like your father and you don't realise it, is something troubling you my dear?" Mother asked, worry blotched on her aging features.
Hawke remained silent for a moment, knowing her mother's concern was only because the de Launcet's ball was in a week and her mother intended for her to find a suitor at said ball.
"No, just lost in my thoughts. Nothing really to worry about," Hawke said, taking another bite out of her scone and remembering to chew it delicately like Mother had taught her.
"Is it Sebastian? You two have come quite close recently," Mother said casually, though Hawke saw through her mother like glass.
"No Mother, it is not Sebastian and I've told you, we are just friends with a shared hobby of reading," Hawke said.
"Yes, and about that. Do try to mask your intellect and wit whilst at dinner parties. The Comte de Launcet is still annoyed that you corrected him," Mother berated, her eyebrow arched in amusement however.
"Well, you may tell him that I am still annoyed that he thinks people from Ferelden are uncivilised and that Qunari eat their own kin," Hawke snorted, recalling the ridiculous rant that the Comte had one evening during a dinner party.
"And how do you know they do not?" Mother asked, her eyebrow rising again.
"Because, I've met the Arishok and he was scary, but not cannibalistic," Hawke answered, her mother looking at her with a tired expression.
"Yes, well keep that information to yourself, child. This is why you and Seamus Dumar would be a good match," Mother said exasperated as she started to butter another scone.
"I'm pretty sure I don't have the parts he requires, Mother," Hawke muttered quietly, but not silent enough that it did not reach her mother's ear. She threw her a scolding look but was distracted by the knock at the door.
Bodhan quickly entered after knocking, throwing Mother a low bow as soon as he entered. Bodhan had become quite taken to Hawke's mother and vice versa. Mother often praised him for his cleaning and cooking skills, and didn't mind Sandal's strange behaviour.
"Yes, Bodhan," Mother asked, smiling warmly at the dwarf. Hawke rolled her eyes at her mother's warm smile. Those kinds of smiles were for people who were not disappointments to her it seemed.
"Guard Captain Aveline is here Mistress, shall I let her in or shall I ask her to wait until you are more formally dressed?" Bodhan asked a small blush on his cheeks most likely caused by Mother's smile.
"No that won't be necessary, please let the guard captain in," Mother commanded, and the door swung open to reveal Aveline, standing in her usual bulky armour.
"Good day Leandra, Haw-Aria," Aveline said, correcting herself quickly at the narrowed eyes of Mother.
"Good day Aveline, how may we be of assistance for you today?" Leandra said, once again showing her warm smile. Mother adored Aveline as if she was one of her own children.
"I was wondering if Aria was free today. I am in need of a gown for the coming ball and know that Aria is attending too and wanted to know if she wished to join me in a day of shopping," Aveline replied, her cheeks flushed red. Hawke could see through Aveline's lies easily, she was so terrible at it, but it seemed her mother did not.
"She is today, I'm afraid she cannot hide behind my skirt until the afternoon at least," Mother conceded. It surprised Hawke that her mother had agreed to let her out of her sight so easily, and wondered what Mother could possibly be doing that did not involve Hawke following her around so that she would not get in trouble.
"I'm curious now. For nearly two months I have not been able to do a single thing without being watched or almost locked in my own home, why all of a sudden do you want rid of me?" Hawke asked.
"I was going to tell you actually, until Aveline arrived. I am going to lunch with a suitor, his name is Laurence and he is a widower like me. This is our first meeting and it would be twice as awkward if you were to join us," Mother said, a small smile on her face. Hawke arched her eyebrow at Mother's almost dreamy smile but decided not to irritate her and ultimately sacrificing her day of freedom.
"You don't think I'm being stupid do you, Aria? I'm old and old people get lonely. It's been so long since your father and I miss him more as each day passes," Mother asked, staring at Hawke with pleading eyes. Hawke knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell her that if she needed to get laid then go for it, but she could never replace father with a stupid noble. Oh, she was a hypocrite.
Instead she answered "Of course not Mother, you are allowed to be happy."
"Yes, well. That went far better than I planned. I am quite proud of how much of a refined young woman you've become Aria. I know some day you'll make me proud. I shall go get Bodhan to bring more tea, please excuse me for a moment," Mother said, exiting through the door and calling for Bodhan down the halls.
Hawke stuck her middle finger up at the door her mother had just exited and bitterly turned away. Aveline looked at her sternly for a moment but decided to let it drop, meaning that whatever she had come round for was serious.
"Spill it, Red," Hawke cajoled, making Aveline's eyes narrow at her nickname.
"Drop the smarminess, Hawke; I'm in no mood for jokes today. The Viscount has made me become the Relations Ambassador between the Qunari and himself, most likely because he's a coward and the Arishok is ten feet tall. There have been some issues, as there always are. I went to speak with the Arishok and was told that he wanted an audience with the Hawk and no one else. Since the Hawk is you, and you're pretending to be a noble I had to use underhanded tactics to get you out. Maker, how do you lie to your mother? I was sweating the entire time," Aveline said, wiping the sweat from behind her neck.
"Irony thy name is Aveline. Weren't you just complaining to me that I should just be complacent?" Hawke chortled, picking up her cup of tea and throwing a sly wink at Aveline.
"Is that a yes, Hawke?" Aveline demanded, watching for Mother at the door.
"Yes."
Mother re-entered the room followed by Bodhan with a fresh pot of tea. At the sight of Mother Aveline started to blush furiously again and stood up.
"I have to go Leandra; I simply must join you for tea as soon as I can. Aria, I will meet you at the Viscount's Keep in an hour if that's suitable? I have some last minute rotas to sign, and then we can shop till we drop!" Aveline said overenthusiastically, causing Hawke to slap herself in the face whilst her mother looked at Aveline as if she had gone completely mad.
Aveline shook her head and took her leave, leaving an awkward silence between Hawke and her mother.
"I'll, just go get ready," Hawke said finally, walking towards the stairs almost excitedly.
She did not notice the fresh bouquet of white lilies that was now the centrepiece for the dresser next to the banister.
A.N- I am so sorry guys, I am trying to push them into the relationship slowly as I feel it's more in character, my initial idea was smut smut smut but I decided that this wasn't where Hawke and Fenris would go. Hawke and Fenris both need to get rid of the skeletons in their closets and I think Hawke (my version of her) is a bit too much of a coward when it comes to being open about emotions. I also believe Fenris is very closed too (I can imagine him in his chair by the fire with his bottle of wine cursing her for not keeping her promise yet wanting to see her)
Also I will be taking a short break which is why I've posted two chapters this week! I will be back to usual asap but I have lot of things that I need to sort, sorry guys!
Big thanks to my reviewers; negative/positive feedback is what makes a story great! What also makes a story great is the readers/followers/favourites too!
Not forgetting my amazing beta LostSpace! If it wasn't for her help I wouldn't be writing this… Love to you all- Lunaa! x