It's Monday of the new week, and, truth be told, not much has changed. Jou didn't call me during the weekend, and I didn't call him. Valon is taking a leave of absence from my life, as well. For the first time, I feel truly alone. Today is the kind of day to skip my class lectures, opting to do my work in the library instead. But, even in the quiet, I can't concentrate. There's too much for me to contemplate. About Jou, about Valon... about myself.

I hear the whisper of an opening door, and I look up to see Jou walking in, a notebook under his arm. When he sees me, he pauses for a second, but then seems to make a decision and walks right over to my table. He smiles a hello and sits across from me. I try to say a greeting back, but my mouth is full of paper. My blood is pounding in my ears, and my fingers are slightly shaking. I have so much to say to him, I don't know where to start.

He seems to sense my discomfort, because he scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it for me to see: Let's go take a walk. I nod, nervous, and we both get to our feet. As we walk out the door, I wonder if anyone sees us. Then I decide that I don't care if they did. Jou leads me out to the courtyard of the school and gives me a long look before sitting on one of the benches. I sit next to him. We're both quiet for a while, but I know it's my duty to begin.

"I'm sorry about what happened on Wednesday."

"You don't need to apologize." He mutters.

"I do." I tightly grip the bench's edge with my fingers. "I never, ever meant for things to work out like they did. I want to make things right." And there was only one way I could think to do just that. The truth. "Think of something."

"Like what?" He asks, perplexed.

"Doesn't matter. Anything. But don't tell me." I pray that he doesn't think I am a nut-job. He closes his eyes, concentrating. "Think of an image." I tune out the sound of the trees sighing in the wind, and focus on Jou. If I had a connection with anyone, it was him.

I get an image of a lolling tongue and wet kisses, and I frown.
"You're thinking of that stray dog we met." I say. He opens his eyes, and his eyebrows crunch together. "Did I get it right?"

"Yeah, but how-?"

"I can read thoughts." I don't look at him; I'm too scared of his reaction. There was still time to play it off as a joke, but I want Jou to know the real me. I want everything out in the open, so I can't make any more mistakes - and that makes me keep going: "It started off with me just being really intuitive... But then it all formed into feelings and words. I can tune it out, most of the time. Pick through the thoughts and focus on particular things." I knead my fingers together. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

"I don't know what to think." He answers, bewildered.

"I just wanted you to know." For some reason, I feel upset. This was supposed to give me clarity, but now I am just more unsure. "Either like me as I am, or don't. Either way, I won't change. I can't." He bites his bottom lip like he's trying to figure out what to say. "Go ahead and back out if you're not sure." I add. "You've done it before." I don't know what made me say that, but I regret it. I am being unfair - giving him a perfect reason to leave me.

"I did chicken out then." He says. "But you haven't exactly been easy to approach since then, Mai." His face is flushed, his voice is very deep and quiet - that's how I know he's angry. "You're closed off. You sit in your perfect ivory tower and pass judgement on everyone below you. All because you're afraid."

I get to my feet, trying to keep my face impassive. I'm hurt, yes... but I deserve it.
"Well, then. I guess you're glad we never got together."

"I didn't say that." His hand is on my arm, pulling me back to face him. Before I can pull away, his hands are buried in my hair, pulling my face to his. In a soft voice, he says, "I forgive your faults."

Part of me wants to give into the plaintive way he's looking at me. But, no. That would be too easy, wouldn't it?
"I didn't ask for your forgiveness or pity." I manage, yanking away from him. "If that's what your feelings are based on, it's better to give up on me."

"Why do you keep giving yourself outs and pretending it's for my sake?"

"Because every word you say about me is true," I want to cry, but I won't let myself. "And you deserve better than that."

And then I leave him standing there under the trees.

I feel like the scum that grows at the bottom of a dirty shower curtain. How many things could go wrong between Jou and I before we admit the fact that we're not supposed to be together? That I'm not right for him? The knowledge hits me like a punch in the stomach. I wanted Jou to know the real me, but, to my dismay, I have to admit that he already does. I am judgmental, and it's true that I don't let others close because I'm afraid. Of how they'll see me or what I'll eventually hear come from their minds. He knew all that before, and he still chased me. But...we are too different, it can't work.

You never know if you don't try, a snide voice leers at me.

Shut up, I think back.

Great, I roll my eyes as I throw my bag over my shoulder, now I'm holding arguments with myself. I see Valon weaving his way through the crowded hallway, two backpacks in his hand. I place myself near the front doors so he has to see me when he leaves. I needed to talk to him and try to make things right. But he glances right through me and breezes through the doors.

Now I feel like the sponge that cleans up the scum at the bottom of a dirty shower curtain.

Without even thinking why, I follow him, pushing past people. Valon is walking fast - not toward the parking lot, though. He cuts through the park behind the school, walking past the area we went through together when the woman fell and skinned her knee. I quicken my pace to keep up with him as he turns onto the street. I don't know why I'm doing this - following him. Somehow, I think that if I follow him, I'll finally get to talk to him, and maybe I'll find a way for him to forgive me. And I'll feel a little less bad. Even though I know it's stupid and that things don't work like that. I was selfish. You don't get signs in life, but sometimes hoping for a sign is all I can do.

Valon walks a long way down the street, past the houses that all look alike, then crosses the street into a hospital parking lot. Once inside, I hang behind a fake ficus tree while he talks with a receptionist with painted-on eyebrows. She points down the hallway to the left, and Valon takes off again. I follow, careful not to be seen (I've turned into a full-blown creeper.) After a few twist and turns, he stops before a ward that's closed off by two heavy double doors. I hide by a cart full of bad smelling food and listen to his conversation with the man at the desk.

"I'm here to leave some things for Kendra Tate." Valon announces.

"I need your ID." The man says. Valon passes it to him, and he looks at a paper on his desk "Okay. You need to empty your pockets. I'll give everything back when you leave."

"She's not in here for drugs."

"I still need you to empty your pockets. And I need to look through the bags." The man responds. I blink, confused, as I hear him shifting through the backpacks. What kind of unit was this? I peek around the corner as Valon is allowed through the doors. They say INPATIENT WARD. I back off, heading back down the hallway we came. Why was Kendra an inpatient? Did she have some kind of disease?

"Excuse me?" I ask as a doctor comes around a corner in front of me.

"Ah, yes?"

"Could you tell me what the inpatient ward is for?"

"That area is for the mentally ill, mostly. But it's also for drug-treatment and we have a clinic for eating disorders."

My gut plummets.
"Like anorexia?"

"Yes, like that."

"Oh, I see." I lower my head. "Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Miss." The doctor leaves.

I'm completely floored. All the times I joked about her needing to eat...I never thought she was actually anorexic - or that she was bad enough to be in the hospital for it. I never dreamed she was, possibly, close to dying from it. And now all I can do is wonder why. She's beautiful...so was it for vanity? Or did she feel a loss of control in her life? What made her feel as though she wasn't enough or good the way she was? It could be anything, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't imagine the real reason. I wished I could see her and apologize, but my name isn't on the list of her visitors. That I knew for sure. It was brave of her to come to get help, though. I admired that.

I'm trying to follow the arrows out of the hospital, but I'm so deep in thought that I get lost for at least a half hour. I turn a corner and ram right into someone. "Sorry-" I start to say, looking up. "Oh, Valon!"

"Oh! Mai." He says, looking shocked. His hand comes up and rubs at the back of his neck. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I was out and about in town and needed to use the restroom - but I got all turned around." I lie, not wanting to admit I followed him.

"Oh." He shoves his hands into his pockets, waiting for me to say something.

There's only one thing to say.
"Valon, I'm sorry."

His eyes skirt over me, unsure.
"What happened to your clothes?"

I look down at the plain white shirt and blue jeans I'm wearing.
"I just...didn't feel well enough to attempt..."

"It's different." He says. "Not bad. Just...not you."

"I know." We stand there, dumb. Part of me wants to escape, but if I do, nothing would ever be right between us again. It is now or never. "Jou and I have unfinished business. It's been that way for a long time. Before I met you."

"I know. Kendra told me." As if I had asked why, Valon adds: "Jou rejected her advances. She asked him out a couple times and he just...you know."

"She's really sick though, isn't she?"

"Yeah...probably more than you can imagine." His eyes are on the floor. "But she's doing well here. She has a new light in her eyes." I look at him while I try to get my courage up. He seems worried and burdened, but not angry at me. He shifts his weight, awkward.

"Valon, I'm not bullshitting when I say you mean a lot to me," I force myself to say, "but it just wasn't the right time. And I hurt you because of all my insecurities. I just hope you can forgive me for it someday."

It seems to take a bit of effort, but the corners of his mouth turn up.
"Yeah. I hope so, too." He gives a small goodbye wave of the hand, and steps around me.

I can only stand there and watch him go.