Chapter forty eight-
Huge shout out to my amazing beta LostSpace for all her help with this chapter!
Thank you so much for my reviews/favorites/follows/reads! You guys are so awesome and I love reading such amazing feedback! Don't want to spoil too much but chapter 50/51 are going to be interesting to say the least!
Love
Lunaa x
Hawke woke up to the sound of pottery smashing and shot up instantly. She regretted it instantly also, because it stung to move so quickly. She let her eyes readjust to her surroundings and with a sigh of relief realised she was safe and well at the Amell estate, rather than the dingy foundry where she had last recalled being awake. Her memories hit her quickly and she realised what happened and winced in both pain and realisation at the recollection. There were several things rushing in her drowsy mind at that moment: the first that her mother must know what she had done, the second that she had been stabbed severely and Fenris was there when she thought she was going to die and the third, and ultimately saddening realisation, that her mother now knew she had broken her promise and Leandra would get locked up for killing her last remaining child.
She pulled on her house boots and made her way to the door slowly-her body was stiff and her stomach was sore, to say the least- hoping to find a glass of water before finding her mother. But at the sound of her bedroom door opening the conversation between her mother and Bodhan faltered and she knew too well she had already been found out.
Hawke descended the stairs to find her mother staring at her almost in tears but with furrowed brows to also express her annoyance. Yep, she was dead…
"You should be in bed Aria. Bodhan, see that these new flowers from Laurence are put in a fresh vase," Mother demanded, leaving the pair of them alone.
"I'm so sorry Mother, I-" Hawke began, but her mother quickly cut her off.
"Save your words child. Once again I watched as my child fought with death except this time luck was on my side. It is good Anders is skilled at what he does. You have lied to me and I knew you were lying all along on your secret night adventures, but this time you risked your life too closely! When will this stop being a game for you, Aria? When will you realise that I cannot bear to lose another child! I do not wish to be alone!" her mother ranted, her anger shifting from emotions of happiness to see Hawke was alive and well.
"I am not sorry for saving those people, I am sorry that it hurts you so much," Hawke replied, too weak to find the strength to argue.
"And would these people so willingly give their lives for you? You have shamed me by your lies but I should have known this would happen. You are not made to hide who you are, whoever that is. I feel that I never knew my daughter, not like your father knew you. Perhaps it is my fault, for distracting myself with Bethany in the hopes one of my daughters would prefer flowers to swords, perhaps it was your father's for letting you do what you wanted. Either way, once again, I sit here disappointed because you broke another promise," Leandra said, making Hawke bow her head in defeat.
"I understand Mother, I will leave if that is what you wish," Hawke said, sadness drowning her every thought at her mother's disappointment, she was always the same. She could never keep her promises, not to her family, her friends, not even to Fenris. It would always be the same.
The silence between them seemed to last forever until Hawke decided to speak again. She had hoped her mother did not wish to disown her but from the frown that painted her matriarch's face it would seem she did.
"Every time I fight, I fight for you. I fight for the ones whose mother's lives are on the edge as the enemy draws near. If I could not defend you, I would pray for someone like me to come along," she said, a tear trickling down her cheek at the thought of her mother no longer being here.
Leandra wiped away her silent tears before looking at Hawke. "There can be no compromise, I cannot do this any longer. Your choices are what will surely lead me to my grave."
Hawke gasped as her mother departed quickly, not allowing for her to reply back to her words that still echoed in her mind. She looked around at the mansion and the splendour that she had built for herself and realised the disappointment she always was. She did not belong here, she did not deserve this life. She should be with Carver, she needed to leave…
She needed to run.
….
Hawke closed the Amell door, quietly ignoring the sharp pain that was in her stomach. She was not yet fully recovered but her entire body felt numb the moment her mother had turned to her and spoken those words. Her mother's words rung with truth, however. Hawke could never keep promises. She had been thinking about those words for four hours as she sat on her bed, wondering what she could do to make amends. She exhaled a pained breath and stared at the abandoned mansion that was a mere stone's throw away and realised what was needed of her.
She had broken so many promises, it was time she began to follow them through. Without even considering the aftermath of her choices she walked towards the mansion and opened the door knowing there would be a certain Tevinter elf inside who would most likely be on his fourth bottle of wine by now.
She opened the door and walked in freely, without stealth, expecting Fenris to charge at her expecting her to be his former master. What she did not expect was to hear the deep chuckle of Fenris accompanied by the tinkling laugh of another woman. She froze in shock, of all of the things she expected to happen when she walked into Fenris' mansion this was not one of the scenarios that played out in her mind. She had expected his annoyance, possibly his forgiveness, but never had she thought that he might have his own company.
She walked up the stairs casually, wanting to make sure her presence was known so that she didn't walk in on something that might cause her more pain. Her mother's disappointment was already screaming in her mind, she didn't think she could stand watching Fenris being groped by another woman. It astonished her that she felt so strongly about the subject, but she was beginning to realise that her feelings towards Fenris would always be more than just friends.
"So the seneschal's tax collector won't be coming around like you asked. Funny story," Isabela said, her tinkling voice feeling almost like knives to Hawke as she made her way to the door. Of course it would be Isabela, why shouldn't it be? Isabela was simple, she did not have the troubles that Hawke had and she was beautiful. Hawke tried not to let her emotions get the better of her, yet it felt that they were about to rip her in two. She felt raw and scolded at the same time. It terrified her that her once impenetrable mask of steel had begun to collapse and she no longer had the capacity to regain control.
"I'll pass, but thank-you for that," Fenris said.
"Spoilsport, why you want to squat up here in Hightown is beyond me," Isabela purred as Hawke moved towards the door, glaring at the back of the pirate's head and wishing it would explode. Isabela was her friend and yet the sight of her purring at Fenris and sitting in his mansion knocked her back. She had never considered Fenris being available to others, it had never crossed her mind. She could feel the slight crackle of her magic in the back of her mind but reigned it in, her emotions were becoming her master and controlling her once again. She could not let it happen. Feelings were for those with stronger hearts, Hawke's heart felt trampled on, destroyed and thrown to the ground. And it was all her own doing. No one forced her to betray her mother, no one forced her to ignore Fenris and no one forced her to stand at the door of his bedroom, watching her two friends flirt with each other with her own eyes.
"I like the view," Fenris replied, a smug smirk on his lips.
Hawke moved closer towards the door in a desperate attempt to make her presence known. She took down her veil and a look of shock momentarily reflected on Fenris' face, which was quickly hidden away by his usual stoic expression. Isabela turned and nodded to Hawke as she made her way to depart, pausing for a moment at the door as she turned to Fenris and said provocatively "so do I."
Hawke bit her tongue as the pirate departed and stood there for a moment in silence as she stared at the elf who now had a pink tinge to his ears. She understood what they were to each other very well now, she understood exactly how Fenris felt. If she was no longer what he was interested in then so be it. It was her own fault and if he wanted something without complications he was well within his rights…
Who was she kidding, it pissed her off well and truly that the bastard stood there flirting with Isabela right in front of her eyes. She had never allowed herself to become the victim of rejection. Even though nothing was set in stone and it could have just been something harmless, she felt as if she had been rejected.
"I see you have recovered, Hawke," Fenris finally said, filling the silence.
"Yes," was all she could say to him. She wanted to say more, yet right now it felt as if there was a barricade in the form of Isabela right in front of them.
"Was there something you wished to discuss? You're out quite late and I had thought we would never speak again. Your mother was furious when we arrived at your home a week ago," Fenris said, his eyebrows knitted in confusion as to why she was there.
"Yes, I can tell you didn't think we'd be talking again. I am glad that Isabela seems so willing to help you," she replied back, hoping he understood the true meaning of her words.
He was silent at her reply and she was glad he realised what she had meant. It frustrated her that she felt something for him. She missed the days when her brother was the only man she cared for.
"I came by to fulfil my promise Fenris, though if you and Isabela have other plans for the evening then I will leave. I have other promises I have not been keeping and I can come back any other time. I also came to apologise now that I lack a sword in my guts and to thank you, too," Hawke said, keeping her expression and tone of voice indifferent and ignoring the jarring pain in her head at the thought of Fenris and Isabela being intimate.
"What? No, no, Isabela and I are not… What is this promise, Hawke? And why now, since you have done nothing but ignore me for the past few weeks, even risking your own life in battle so that you did not have to face me?" Fenris snapped.
"I thought it would be better," Hawke replied, moving towards the window sill and opening the window to reveal the full moon and stars that decorated the night sky of Kirkwall. She stared longingly at it for a moment, wishing her life was simpler. No, she wished that she could have been simpler, for it was not her life but her choices that made these things complicated.
"For who?" Fenris asked quietly, more to himself than anyone and she turned to face him with a sad smile.
"I will teach you how to read, Fenris, but only if you want to," Hawke said seriously. She put the thoughts of her emotions towards this troubled man to the back of her mind. She had so many promises to fulfil and so much forgiveness to seek. She hoped one day they could be together, she hoped for a brighter future, but not now, not when everything in her life was a collision waiting to happen. She could feel it tingling on the back of her neck, a storm was coming and whoever walked in it's path would surely be swept out to sea.
"I have conditions, Hawke," Fenris replied after a long pause.
"Do tell, I'm all ears for what the grumpy ex-slave feels he is entitled to," she chuckled, a fake laugh to ensure that all was right between them.
Fenris obviously saw through her feigned cajoling but let it pass as he replied "No one else must ever know."
"I can do that easily. Why in Thedas would I tell anyone?"
"And when the time comes, Hawke, you won't let yourself fight whatever you are fearful of alone."
Hawke looked at him for a moment, shocked that he could see through her like glass. Was she really that open or was it that they were too alike? She considered his words for a moment before nodding.
"Only if the same applies to you," she replied, staring into the elf's green eyes intensely. She wished that he could read her thoughts and just understand, yet she knew he felt just the same as her. They were two troubled souls that had met each other and ever since then moved further apart when they wanted to be close. She truly seemed to have a thing for complications, for they forever littered her life.
She moved towards the table as quickly as she could, wincing slightly. Fenris rolled his eyes at her as if he already knew she was not yet fully recovered. He moved off of the chair closest to the fire and offered her it, moving the chair that was usually opposite closer whilst she sat down.
She grabbed the quill and vellum she always kept in her bag and after removing her cloak prepared it in front of her. She looked over at Fenris and almost jumped back at how close he was, eyeing the paper curiously for a moment and then staring right back at her.
They were so close and for a moment Hawke felt her control waver at the sight of Fenris so close she could smell him. He smelt of leather and wine and her mind dizzied for a moment in excitement.
She quickly snapped out of it and held the quill in her shaking hand. She would not hurt others and make promises she could not keep. She would help her friends and find a way to seek forgiveness with her mother.
"We should start with alphabet first."