Chapter 4 : Checkmate
The waft of soft cinnamon scent and glimpses of emerald green eyes started to make little chinks in Jane's armour. He would feel a light pressure alternately on his hand or his brow – there were gentle ministrations and soft words. The muscles in his face relaxed as he felt comforted then he would drift back to sleep again.
Tender voices sounded in the background calling his name Patrick but the tiredness was overwhelming his limbs felt unyielding and heavy, unable to move against some unknown burden holding him captive in his body.
Every now and then someone would try and give him some water. He registered green eyes and silky dark hair then nothing.
Why wouldn't they leave him alone? Jane could feel rough hands washing and changing him then smelt the clinical aroma of medicated soap - he wished for the small gentle hands that had been there earlier. The room was awash with mumbling shadows as blurred forms moved in the all pervasive white fog of his mind.
Every now and then there would be a deeper more persistent voice calling him from a distant world but he had no wish to go there it was calm and peaceful here, he just wanted to sleep.
"Hello Patrick - my name is Dr Friedman would you like to talk to me?"
Jane screwed his eyes up and defiantly formed his hands into fists.
"Patrick, I know you can hear me, you have been resting in a safe place but we need to bring you back now. Try opening your eyes and look at the lights."
A colour changing mood light had been placed in the corner of the room as a sensory stimulant.
"Can you see the light Patrick just try and focus - you need to open your eyes if you can."
Friedman could see the eyelids part slightly as Jane peeped out from the semi closed eyes captivated by the changing form and colour of the light.
"Are you going to join us Patrick? I would like to meet you - I am your Doctor and I want to take you on a journey" the calm voice persisted.
Patrick tried to close his eyes again but something about the blurry lights and entreating voice made him keep looking. Patterns on the wall no longer just shades of grey, little splashes of colour and sound were entering into his world again.
"Just open your eyes Patrick and watch the colours - see how bright they are, watch the colours Patrick see how they change red and green now blue. Can you see them Patrick? Open your eyes please."
The eyes opened just a little bit more and settled on the lamp mesmerised by the changing colours.
The rough hands returned to move him to an upright position, with his limbs still leaden he could not resist; he just sat impassively staring at the alternating hues.
"Welcome back Patrick, it is good to finally meet you - can you look at me now?"
There was no response - Friedman reached out to touch his hand but the eyes remained resolutely fixed on the lights.
"Patrick, Teresa tells me you like music, I think next time we will try some music."
Although there was no response the doctor could tell the words were slowly being processed. Rather than push things too much at this stage he decided to let Patrick adjust to this first change and he would return later with Teresa.
Friedman called Lisbon to ask her about Jane's taste in music, she said she would try and locate Jane's iPod and bring it in with her. She called Cho before he left and asked him to recover Jane's personal effects from the CBI and go through Jane's car in the hope of locating the iPod.
Dr Friedman explained to Lisbon that they were trying to re-engage Jane with the real world through sensory stimulation using colour, smell, touch or music. They had got him sitting up to stop him just sleeping constantly; he advised her to take it slowly and just see how he reacted.
So they continued over the next few days Lisbon would gently to talk to him, stroke his hand and was rewarded by the occasional change in his facial expression, just an odd twitch but a response nevertheless.
Dr Friedman carried on with his talking therapy and against the backdrop of light classical music; eventually Jane started to take in the people and surroundings more and he would look at the Doctor when he spoke to him though he remained electively mute with him.
He would visibly relax whenever Lisbon visited taking refreshments from her and watching her fascinated by her green eyes and delicate movements. Sometimes he would repeat words that Teresa had said but he did not form any coherent phrases.
He would stare deep in her eyes taking in her form and she would smile at him - one day he reached out and touched her face feeling her smile and the contours of her face up to her bewitching eyes. Lisbon's heart skipped a beat, it was like when Jane had lost his sight and he tried to learn her face. Lisbon placed a gentle kiss on his hand and confused he gently withdrew his hand and looked at her shyly.
Dr Friedman would come in and talk to him about music and literature - it was a one sided conversation but he could tell Jane was absorbing it. Friedman had chosen the music at random but one day a delicate rendition of Bach's Prelude caused an unexpected response; Jane became visibly agitated and started to shake his head before repeatedly muttering "no, no..."
Lisbon explained how that piece evoked memories of both Red John and Angela/Charlotte and would always be a bittersweet memory for him.
It looked like Jane's psyche was starting to awaken and there would be painful times ahead.
Apart from the odd monosyllabic response Jane was still not really communicating. Friedman turned up with his chessboard for one session; he noted that Jane watched with interest as he set the pieces out - there was a spark of interest in the blond man's eyes.
Friedman played his opening gambit then looked at Jane and nodded. Jane stared at the board intently then to Friedman's great delight leant forward and moved his pawn in response before leaning back with a satisfied smile on his face. A slow deliberate game ensued; Friedman's aim was to prolong the game as long as possible however slowly but surely Jane started to capture his pieces. Friedman contained a satisfied smirk at the awakening of the Jane's interest - sure enough Jane won the game, not that there was any serious opposition. His eyes sparkled as he looked at Friedman and he just said "again."
So began an ongoing routine, they would play most days as Friedman would try to talk to him. The doctor started to play the game properly, being no mean chess player himself, but he only occasionally beat Jane - he felt it was important to put up some resistance not wanting his patient to feel he had the upper hand. Jane would nod and hum as the game played out, saving his response for check mate at the conclusion.
Jane looked at Friedman's kindly face and smiled back "thank you" he mumbled.
Friedman responded "Patrick, it has been a long time since I've had enjoyed a game of chess that much – you are a formidable adversary."
Gradually Friedman started to withdraw Jane from out of his shell - starting with general chit chat to elicit a short but definite response. He would ask Patrick direct questions forcing him to make a structured response until eventually they would get a limited conversation going.
Much of the time Friedman would talk about himself and his work, his colleagues, the quality of the food and tea and so forth.
Friedman started to tell Jane about his family's escape from Europe and how they dealt with the survivor guilt of escaping when loved ones had not. Some of them were able to just work through their complex feelings and mourn without being constantly weighed down by their loss. For others it became an all consuming feeling which restricted their daily lives and their lingering guilt and anxiety often led to severe depression and PTSD. Many sought help and reassurance from their loved ones and spiritual advisors but for a few it manifested itself in a deep depression that needed formal therapy.
Friedman looked across at Jane who was listening quietly and asked "Patrick do you know why I am telling you this?"
Jane looked troubled, he swallowed deeply and his brow furrowed, he looked down at his feet not responding.
"Patrick we may need to talk about what this means and why it troubles you - are you ready to do that?"
Jane shook his head refusing to engage with the doctor.
"Ok enough for now Patrick just relax. Teresa will come this afternoon."
Lisbon found Jane withdrawn and sad and had difficulty engaging him. She asked the doctor if the facility had a garden and whether it would be possible to take Jane outside.
There was a small enclosed sensory garden for the patients which Jane could wander round at leisure. He looked up at the sun and closed his eyes enjoying the warmth washing over him; Lisbon had seen him do this so many times. He smiled at the sounds of the wind chimes gently playing in the breeze.
Jane's eyes lit up as he watched the butterflies flit from place to place, he held up his hand and a Monarch alighted on it - he beamed one of his brightest smiles, the one that lit up his whole face then he looked over at Teresa and carefully transferred the butterfly on to her hand. Laughing as she recoiled uncertainly – Lisbon was not exactly at one with nature.
Friedman watched on contentedly from a distance – in many ways sad that he was going to have to break this mood and push on in their next formal session.
Jane moved around closing his eyes again and inhaling the heavily scented roses, just taking in all the different senses. The heavy pink mop heads of the hydrangeas interspersed with the regal stems of the agapanthus filled the borders – there were yellow roses tumbling over the arches and golden poppies growing anywhere they could take a hold. He walked through the herb borders reaching down to rub the lavender between his fingers, turning to look at Lisbon with a smile. They brushed against the rosemary bushes releasing yet more aroma, then Jane reached down and picked a gerbera before shyly turning to Lisbon and presenting her with a flower – he was rewarded by a full on Lisbon smile.
They made their way to a leafy alcove, Lisbon gently took his hand to lead him there and they sat there in companionable silence as Jane took in the smell and colours of the world.
Friedman had arranged for Jane to be transferred to a normal room where he had a supply of books selected by Cho and his iPod for music. Jane no longer needed personal care but still needed supervision as the next few days were going to be critical and a relapse could not be ruled out. Friedman was going to have to be hard with him the next few days, it was a necessary evil.
"Patrick, we need to start talking things through now – do you know why you are here?"
Jane bridled and acerbically responded "Well I'm guessing this is not the latest in motel facilities, if it is I want a refund – the eggs are appalling and the tea is like dishwater."
Ok so it was going to be like that, Friedman hid his smile put on his best professional mask.
"Sorry Patrick the Holiday Inn was fully booked – but maybe you can start to make your own tea in future, as we clearly do not live up to your high standards.
So back to the matter in hand, you know where you are, we just need to go through what brought you to this position."
Increasingly agitated Jane decided attack was the best form of defence.
"Really Doctor, why do you want to fix me when you can't even fix yourself? Just look at you - your appearance is shambolic; sandals should never be worn with socks, especially patterned socks. You have the air of being recently widowed – you cannot cope with the emptiness of the house when you get home, you bury yourself in nostalgia ignoring the attempts of your family to move you on, preferring to seek solace in the sentimental memories of a now lost existence.
In the absence of anything else you take refuge in work, cutting yourself off from any friends you may have. You refuse all offers to join your colleagues and now they no longer even ask you – outside of work you are pale shadow of the man you used to be."
Friedman winced and suppressed his anger.
"So Patrick, you would rather mentalise me than address your own issues. Maybe I ought to return the compliment.
You are on the verge of remembering what brought you to this place – you remember it in flashbacks but choose to deny it and to face up to the pain of your memories. There is no easy way to do this, you either stay cut off from the world in a half life or you face up to your issues and start living again".
Friedman breathed deeply before starting the next segment which would be deliberately cruel in places.
"You have not got the courage to take on life with all its challenges, preferring to bury the past and wallow in this neverland detached from reality.
The past has made you what you are and until you address it you will never move on – I know you remember more than you let on, why are you so afraid of living?"
Patricks face flushed red with his rising rage he snapped back. "Why can't you just leave me alone? I am content now."
"You are not content Patrick – you are just numb. Unfeeling and disconnected from the real world - afraid to start living again."
Patrick started to raise his voice "What would you know of what I feel, why I choose to be like this?"
Freidman tapped the case file in front of him looked Jane directly in the face. " These files tell me of a man who has endured great tragedy and but was brave enough to come back from the brink once to fashion a sustainable life but has now chosen to retreat back to his hole rather than face up to his latest setback."
Jane was uncharacteristically wild with anger; he flung the case file onto the floor and stood up facing down the doctor.
"That is what I think of your files and your treatment – you don't know me and have no right to mess with me – I want to leave now."
Anger was good Friedman noted, he had been worried that Jane might passively retreat into his own world.
"I think you will find I have every right to 'mess with you' in my capacity as your doctor and you are going nowhere without my say so Patrick. You either chose to live in the nothingness of this limbo land or rejoin the world of the living. It's your choice, all I can do is guide – you have to make the decision."
Jane sat down abruptly and harrumphed, seeing the doctor was not going to be intimidated into submission. Despite his attempts at denial the memories had stubbornly been leaking back to Jane – he knew it was only a matter of time before he had to deal with them but still felt no inclination to make it easy for Friedman.
A few tetchy but productive sessions followed. Friedman gradually drew Jane forward with Jane retaliating by cold reading Friedman at every opportunity. There was no sign of the charm that Teresa had described yet, Jane could be unremittingly cruel when he lashed out.
Friedman persisted until he drove Jane over the edge one session and his anger broke, the auxiliaries held Jane back in his seat whilst he calmed down before he broke down inconsolably. The worst was over now.
"I am sorry Patrick I had to do that, it will start to get easier again from now." Friedman said in a more conciliatory tone.
Patrick became cold and irritable with people - he barely acknowledged Lisbon and brushed her hand away angrily when she tried to sooth him sending her away spitefully asking why she kept hanging around hoping for tidbits off the table.
Red faced and barely composed Lisbon left the room, she had held herself together over the last few weeks but was feeling uncharacteristically low and Jane's insults hit home. Friedman consoled her explaining it was all part of the process, she smiled tearfully at him saying she knew it was not personal but perhaps there was some truth to it – Jane had never offered her anything perhaps that was how he saw her, pathetic in her eternal hope.
Friedman and Jane continued to work things through, as Jane accepted the inevitability of the process he started to gradually thaw, still enjoying the odd tweak of the Doctor's nose. Though no longer cruel to Lisbon he was still distant, he withdrew his hand if she tried to touch him and the lightness that they had enjoyed was now replaced by a more practical interaction.
Lisbon visibly blanched at his response to her, it cut deeply – she felt she must have unwittingly overstepped the mark at some stage and he must be feeling that she was trying to usurp Angela in his affections.
Lisbon dreaded the visits not knowing how to handle them and on Friedman's advice started to cut back on them. Jane was taken aback the first day she did not visit although he had driven her away, the day seemed very long and empty without her. By the third day without a visit he was starting to miss her and felt ashamed how he had treated her.
Friedman had told him how instrumental she had been in his recovery and that it was Lisbon who had made the initial breakthrough. Friedman passed no comment on Jane's treatment of Lisbon, though his disapproval was barely disguised.
It was not Lisbon's fault that Angela and Charlotte were dead – she was the only bright thing in his life, so why did he resent her when she had risked so much for him.
On the fourth day she re-appeared pale and thinner than ever. Lisbon sat at a distance from him – she cheerily forced herself to ask the usual trite questions. Jane was pleased to see her but he could see underneath her proud and composed facade things were troubling her.
Jane started to ask what she had been doing, she of course deflected by replying she had met up with Grace and Wayne and had spoken to Cho at Quantico making some half hearted quips about his reprogramming.
Jane could tell there was something else going on he pushed a little more – Abbott had been on her case pushing to see whether they had overstepped any boundaries and questioning her about Blake. Despite Abbott's helpfulness with Cho, Lisbon was feeling the full brunt of his interrogation. Abbott probed into her relations with Bertram and the other known Blake members. She knew Abbott could not afford to assume anyone was clean but on top of her dealings with Jane it was all starting to wear her down a bit.
Jane grimaced at her dignified countenance, knowing he had hurt her deeply and was not entirely sure why he had done it.
He stood up and crossed the room kneeling down before her startled face. "I am so sorry Teresa" he meekly said.
"I've missed you and I wouldn't hurt you for the world." He leant over and embraced her, she sat stiffly not responding her pride still wounded. He pulled back and smiled into her face "It's ok Teresa I know you are mad at me, I was an ass. I can't do this without you, you are the only reason I keep on going." He leant forward and hugged her again feeling a slight thaw, as her body softened slightly.
Lisbon needed to keep her barriers up, she could not keep taking knocks from all sides but she did her best to take his apology in the spirit it was intended.
Jane knew he still had work to do on that front, he started to realise how much this had taken its toll on Lisbon and felt deeply ashamed at his actions.
Friedman noted Jane's return of conscience and started to discuss discharge – his conditions were that he would either release Jane to the care of a responsible adult or Jane would have to go to a half way house, while he continued therapy as an outpatient.
Lisbon had already dealt with the long stay motel not knowing how long Jane would be hospitalised, she had enlisted Wayne and Grace to help box up his meagre possessions and store them at Lisbon's. So it seemed logical that Jane would lodge in Lisbon's spare room in the short term.
More relaxed as discharge approached, at last Jane started to display his legendary charm, figuring he must have a few bridges to mend if not rebuild at the hospital, having been fairly obnoxious over the last couple of weeks.
A/N I am no expert on mental health but I figured Jane would need to be provoked, as he would just try and manipulate a gentle approach and treat them as marks.