Chapter 5: Friends without benefits

Lisbon was a pariah in Law Enforcement – no one would touch her with a bargepole and her severance pay had been withheld pending the conclusion of Abbott's investigation. She was now living off her savings and with her mortgage commitments they were not going to last forever.

The whole living with Jane situation was proving difficult to deal with – although Jane was nothing but charming towards her now, she could not get "his waiting for tidbits" comment out of her head.

Jane had quickly made himself at home unashamedly examining all her cupboards in the shared areas. Lisbon would not be at all surprised if he was not well acquainted with her bedroom contents by now as well. In anyone else it would seem a bit creepy but it was just Jane's natural curiosity he wanted to know everything.

They fell into a natural routine Jane soon took over in the kitchen, re-organising things to his taste and updating the rarely used but past their best pots and pans, which were second hand when Lisbon acquired them in her student days. She just let him get on with it, resistance was futile and to be honest she had not got much fight in her anyhow.

Lisbon would do most of the cleaning and laundry, Jane insisted on getting the groceries as part of his keep – the cupboards had never looked so full. Jane also insisted on paying her some rent as he no longer had the motel room. Though she had resisted his offer, she had to admit the money was useful.

Jane continued his sessions with Dr Friedman, who he considered more a friend than doctor these days. Jane had very few male friends, he had always had more of an affinity with women and despite his reservations about therapy he appreciated having an outlet to talk things through. Friedman had seen Jane stripped completely bare of his pretentions so there was no point putting up the usual barriers. They had developed a friendly if occasionally acerbic repartee.

" Patrick, stop trying to bait me - I can see why Teresa calls you her pain in the ass consultant. The woman is nothing short of a saint putting up with you."

Jane smiled " Yeah, a regular St Teresa - you know the press nicknamed her that once? Anyhow Doctor I'm not sure you should be insulting me I am your patient after all, surely there must be limits - you know doctor - patient relationship and all that."

" My rules Patrick, pretty much anything goes short of you grabbing my ass , then I would feel the relationship violated" he drily responded.

Jane chuckled, he knew he had met his match he rarely got under Friedman's skin, the dry putdowns kept Jane under no illusions that he was prepared to give as good as he got.

They turned to more serious matters examining what had happened at the Alexandria cemetery, this was a subject he and Lisbon assiduously avoided.

" So Patrick, what are you going to do – have you put aside your plans for vengeance now?"

"Doctor I will never put that aside but I am not actively pursuing it, I don't think either Teresa or I are strong enough at present to deal with that. Red John will never leave me alone so I know at some stage he will have to come after me or Teresa again. All I can hope is that we are prepared when he does - it seems better to let him make the first move and play it by ear."

"You really need to discuss this with Teresa Patrick, I know things are not quite back to normal between the two of you but she needs to be party to this decision. You cannot take that decision on Teresa's behalf."

"I know" Jane acknowledged. "Doctor, I need you to make me a promise – if anything happens to Teresa and I fall back into the abyss please on no account bring me out of it. I cannot live with the burden of that guilt again and would not want to live without Teresa. I would take matters into my own hands if I had to."

"Patrick you know I can't promise that – there are ethical standards. Let's hope the situation does not arise and you are left in peace." From what Jane had told him he knew it was unlikely that Red John would leave them alone – he wished he could help them.

" Does Teresa know how you feel Patrick? Or perhaps more pertinently do you know how you feel?"

Jane looked down breathing deeply before answering "Teresa is my reason for living. We have unfinished business on that front - if we come out the other side undamaged, I fully intend to act on that - if she will have me."

Steinman shook his head - there was a complex dynamic between this couple, so maddeningly stubborn and proud but it was not his place to intervene.

Lisbon had been applying for jobs extending her search well outside the state, no one wanted to know – her career in law enforcement had certainly hit the buffers. She contemplated contacting Minelli for advice, he may have some contacts she would do anything.

Grace and Wayne had been pestering Lisbon to come and visit since Jane's discharge, Lisbon had resisted not wanting to field the barrage of questions and knowing looks from Grace. However it would have been churlish to put them off indefinitely as they had been there for her and were shortly relocating so there would not be many more opportunities. They had been forewarned not to mention Jane's breakdown.

Jane shared Lisbon's reticence but accepted it had to be done and went about the task with gusto. He prepared Lisbon's favourite Italian meal and some homemade Tiramisu that would satisfy even Wayne's hearty appetite.

Grace breezed in all hugs and kisses, genuinely delighted to see Jane recovered – she looked concerned at Lisbon's pallor, the Boss looked even more delicate than usual. Wayne's greeting though no less sincere was considerably more restrained.

Taking the initiative to guide the conversation away from awkward subjects Jane enquired about Ben and their future plans. Grace looked coyly at her husband and said "well we have not exactly been doing nothing – Ben is going to have a sister or brother in the next six months. We have only told a few people so far just in case something went wrong."

Jane just beamed sharing their joy at the news – "You will be a wonderful mother Grace, we already know how good a parent Wayne is – I could not be more pleased."

Lisbon squeezed Wayne's shoulder " so pleased for you both, hopefully you will be all sorted out by then."

Jane cracked opened the wine making Grace a fizzy non alcoholic concoction before they drank to their health.

The meal passed pleasantly – Wayne was aghast that Jane could cook like this. "So Jane, I knew you were an expert on eggs but you never let on you cook like this - hell we would have had you as our resident chef if we had known.

Hey boss what other skills does he have outside the kitchen?" Wayne asked in all innocence.

Graces eyes popped open and she looked at Jane who just looked down shaking his head slowly not daring to look at Lisbon – Grace started to choke on her dessert then the penny dropped and Wayne started stuttering, "I mean around the house not in the er...er. "

Lisbon was mortified she knew what they were thinking, Jane raised his head slightly looking at her with one eye still closed struggling with the laughter bubbling up inside him. Deciding to rescue Lisbon he responded "Well I mix a mean cocktail these days, come on Rigsby let me show you" as they got to the kitchen he winked meaningfully and lowered his voice so only Wayne could hear "my Long Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against the Wall always goes down particularly well."

"Jane! Too much information." Wayne looked horrified – how had he got into discussing the boss's sex life. Jane smirked as he turned away sincerely hoping Lisbon had not heard anything but hoping that had killed that particular subject once and for all.

Lisbon was not so lucky , Grace looked at her hopefully raised an eyebrow as said "Well?"

"Well what?" Lisbon resignedly responded.

"You and Jane?" the redhead asked optimistically.

"There is no me and Jane Grace."

"Oh I thought - well you look pale I thought maybe you were feeling sick – I mean morning sickness can be a bitch."

Oh crap! Lisbon just wanted to crawl away at this point, Grace thought she was pregnant . "Not unless it's an immaculate conception Grace, our living arrangements are purely practical not remotely biblical."

It was Grace's turn to look embarrassed at this point – she so wanted Jane & Lisbon to get together; she realised she had well and truly had put her foot in it.

Lisbon saw Jane looking over too her with an amused quirk on his lips, she avoided his glance and tried to regain her composure.

Jane asked how Cho was getting on – apparently he was making quite an impression at Quantico.

Feeling on safer ground Rigsby started to tell them about Cho's antics, he had a friend at Quantico who had told him that one of the instructors picked Cho to demonstrate interrogation techniques on him. Cho just dead panned him, turning every question back on the instructor. At the end it was Cho interrogating the instructor. Apparently the instructor was none too pleased and the rest of the intake could barely disguise their mirth. Cho just innocently returned to his seat – apparently no one had asked him to participate since.

Jane chuckled "That's my boy" he said appreciatively – Cho was going to take a lot of reprogramming.

Grace blundered in again "So boss have they sorted out your severance yet?" Lisbon's eyes narrowed she shook her head and glared at Grace. "Still going through" she responded blithely making sure not to catch Jane's eye.

"You are joking " Grace exclaimed "we were all processed weeks ago."

"It's complicated but I'm sure won't take long now" she grimaced.

Jane's ears pricked up at this, Lisbon wasn't telling him any of this and much as he wanted to know more – he knew she would not want to discuss it publicly.

"Rigsby let me show you my latest trick" he interrupted.

"Only if there is no money involved" Wayne responded.

"You wound me – can't I show a friend a trick? Ben will love this one." Subject changed they relaxed into more comfortable topics at last.

When they finally left Lisbon gave a huge sigh of relief and settled down in her chair with a comforting glass of red wine.

Jane busied himself in the kitchen looking over at her as he worked – this was all so unfair for her and he was not sure how to proceed.

"Well, I'm glad that's over – first time will be the worst though. You OK?" He asked concernedly.

Lisbon just looked into her glass and nodded.

Jane approached her and said "I'm sorry Teresa – I know how awkward this is for you having to deal with all these questions. I don't want to but if it makes you happier, I can find somewhere else to stay."

He really hoped she would not take him up on his offer.

"It's done now – no point crying over spilt milk" she said pragmatically.

"I do think we need to talk things though – we are ignoring the elephant in the room" Jane said.

"Not now Jane please, I'm tired and cranky not a good place to start from."

"Tomorrow then" he paused and turned "Teresa I know you have not forgiven me for what I said at the hospital – I really did not mean it. I was just lashing out. Are we good now?"

"Forget it Jane."

"I can't because you haven't" he looked very vulnerable.

"We're good" she said – though they both knew that was far from the case – it was best to draw a line under it for tonight.

"Alright I'll leave it for now. Goodnight Teresa." He placed a chaste kiss on the top of her head then sighed and left her to her thoughts.

Night did not bring much sleep for either of them, Jane tried to get his thoughts together about how he should proceed tomorrow it was time they discussed the events that triggered his breakdown.

Lisbon just tormented herself – she could not let go of Jane's comment despite his sincerity she felt there must be some truth in what he had said in anger. The awkwardness of the situation for her was increasing, she avoided initiating any physical contact with Jane – Jane had always been quite tactile with her in a gentlemanly way but that was his choice.

Living in close proximity there were always little incidents, she had got out of the habit of locking the bathroom after years by herself and they frequently caught each other in awkward situations.

Considering Jane's previous sense of propriety he was remarkably relaxed wandering round semi dressed whereas Teresa was conspicuously covered up these days. Lisbon was determined that nothing she did could be considered as stepping over the line or being remotely needy.

Lisbon's morning runs got longer and longer as she felt the need to get out of the house and burn off some of her nervous energy, she needed the time to herself. Maybe she had lived alone too long but she found the living arrangements terribly claustrophobic. A few months ago this would have been her dream but now it was more of a nightmare for her.

Of course she would not turn Jane out, as long as he wanted to stay he was welcome. Although he seemed much better and would shortly be completely discharged he still had periods of melancholy.

Jane had made it clear he wanted to talk today but Lisbon was in no rush to get back extending her normal run a bit further rather than have to face up to Jane. Eventually she had no excuse not to go home so she made her way back. Jane had tidied everywhere up while she was out so apart from having a shower there was nothing she needed to do.

"Hey . You have must have done some miles today Teresa – let's get you some breakfast. You can't afford to lose any more weight" Jane smiled at her and turned to the kitchen.

She returned his smile weakly " I'll just have my shower first Jane then I'll just have some toast could not stomach anything else just yet."

"OK, I'll make you some lunch later – can't have you fading away." He sighed as she disappeared this was not going to be an easy discussion.

She let the warm water wash over her – if only her troubles could be washed away so easily. When she was dried off and washed, she dressed and pulled her hair back into a severe ponytail deliberately downplaying her attractiveness before finally going down to face the music.

Jane smiled as she came down and handed her a fresh coffee; she went to sit opposite him but he gently took her hand "Please Teresa – sit with me it will be easier to talk. Don't freak out I am not going to embarrass you but we do need to do this."

Reluctantly she settled on the sofa with him, peering at him over the top of her coffee cup waiting for him to make the first move.

"You know I'm still seeing Dr Friedman we have been talking about events leading to my breakdown. It occurred to me we never discussed what happened that day."

" I always assumed to wanted to forget it – so I never pressed you." Teresa said quietly.

Jane flashed her a grateful smile before proceeding to outline events . "When McAllister was killed I really did not know what to think. I was angry I had been denied my revenge but there was also a sense of relief that I might be able to go on and live a semi normal life without fear of prosecution, I allowed myself a glimpse of a future and the possibility of building a life again."

Teresa shuffled uncomfortably not knowing where this was going .

Jane continued " It all came crashing down again when I received that text and Red John called me to gloat . He made it very clear that I was still in his sights", he paused looking into her serious face before carrying on " he also mentioned you Teresa, he will be coming after both of us again before long."

She did not react she just calmly said "I figured as much Jane – he would not let things drop. He would wait until you were recovered before starting up. I've had my guard up for some time, as we are both targets for Blake anyhow. I'm trying not to let it rule my life but I am aware of the risks."

Jane never ceased to marvel at her courage – he reached out and squeezed her hand, for once she did not pull away.

"This is getting to be a habit apologising but I am truly sorry I have put you in his sights – I think we need to discuss what we are going to do. Whatever you may think I couldn't bear for anything to happen to you – you are the only person I truly care for." He swallowed and looked away his voice was thick with emotion.

Somehow even that antagonised her – you cared for pets she more than "cared" for him but she bit her tongue before replying. "Well that depends on you Jane – do you intend to pursue him?"

" I don't think we will need to, he will find us – I think we need to rethink who Red John could be using all our existing information. Maybe stepping back from it for a while we will have a clearer insight as to where I went wrong in my assumptions.

Teresa if you want to cut and run I quite understand it – I can set you up somewhere safe, I'll buy you out of the house so you can make a new life for yourself if you want. Far away from Red John's influence."

"I doubt that it would be that simple Jane but thanks for the thought, Red John would follow me wherever I went he knows he can always get to either one of us by targeting the other. Wherever either of us lived we would come back if the other was in trouble." She logically replied.

"Sadly I think you are right." He knew better than to mollify her with false hope.

"I finish with Dr Friedman shortly and he has been asking if there is anything he can do, you may be surprised to hear me say this but I was thinking of asking him to do a profile of Red John.

In retrospect I think Minelli was right, I think I'm too close to the case in many respects and cannot rid my thought process of my preconceptions.

Rushing around chasing every lead just amuses him, we achieve nothing he is always one step ahead of us - I know he will make a mistake one day but how many people will die in the meantime?"

Lisbon was relieved that Jane was being uncharacteristically open with her."Actually I am pleased to hear you say that - a cool detached analytic approach may well help. Can I ask why you have chosen now to do all this Jane?"

Jane pulled out his phone and handed it to her watching her expression intently as she read the text.

Teresa looks great Patrick - she can certainly run, she may need to soon. Tick Tock.