Chapter 36: Who Dun It?

I slammed the door shut behind me, causing the rusted metal walls of Eleanor's house to rattle. My feet moved on their own accord away from my employer. My training knew best. What I had just done was remnants of the person I was before my reconditioning.

How could I have done that? I know that I had intense feelings for her before, and I still have the ghosts of those feelings, but this relationship was dangerous for her safety. If I had followed through with my actions, there would be no going back.

It was for the best for her and the child. I can not be a lover and an employer, let alone a father. The contract never clearly stated anything about children of my own, but it had been very straightforward about inappropriate relationships between the employer and the employee.

Something in the back of my mind told me I had told her before but I was weak-willed. Eleanor holds a certain power over me that the contract cannot take over. She had something about her.

How would I be able to properly make responsible decisions relating Eleanor's safety, let alone the child, if I was busy being distracted by her? She was intoxicating, overwhelming my senses just by being near me.

Breaking through my thoughts were the memories of earlier and the dream I had last night.

I had to remember for her. What did I have to remember for her? Was it the feeling of loving her? Despite the contract, I enjoyed her presence and the feeling of being wanted. She was gorgeous and wanted to be mine.

That thought had renewed my previous arousal, forcing me to compose myself. I was in the middle of town and that would not bode well for her safety. The townspeople were not very accepting of ghouls, except for the Atom worshipers.

The thought of Eleanor wasn't unpleasant, it was actually quiet a happy thought. She gave me one of those weird warm feelings in my stomach, like a gunshot. Seeing her was like getting shot in the stomach, but without the sting.

Even without remembering much of the past, I could remember feelings of extreme discomfort and anger. I hated the world and everyone around me. The thoughts I had with Eleanor were only nice thoughts. I had never dreamed of hurting her.

For some reason, thinking of hurting Eleanor had made something feel familiar. I would never have hurt an employer on purpose, especially her. I would have never laid a hand on her if it was up to me. That idea didn't sit too well with me.

I hadn't really aimed for any specific place in town, but I ended up at the bar. I didn't recall ever having any caps with me, so I knew I wouldn't be able to drink these thoughts away. I could talk to Gob, but he was afraid of me. I don't remember much of him either, but what I do remember is him being quiet a pussy.

My mind made up, I turned on my heel and descended back down towards the bomb in the center of town. My ankles tingled from the radiation, but it wasn't an uncomfortable tingle. The man standing in the water stopped his teachings of the bomb and beamed up at me. He waded through the water, kicking and splashing irradiated water on my legs. He held his arms wide open and looked at the locals staring at us.

"My, look at what we have been blessed with, my dear Children of Atom! We have been gifted with another Prophet!," the man bellowed.

He sank down on his knees in the puddle and covered his face. He was muttering something vaguely similar to a prayer. He seemed very focused on it, so I took it as my chance to slip away quietly. I moved quickly back up the stairs to Eleanor's house. Risking a glance over my shoulder, I saw that the man was still praying and I sped up.

I stopped in front of her door, frozen in time. I had been cold to leave her, but it was the right thing to do. She's only a confused child. A child who is with child. How anyone could have taken advantage of her like so many had left me with a cold pit in my stomach to replace the previous warmth.

My balled fist was raised in the air, waiting to knock but hesitating out of fear of the unknown. Eleanor had proved to be very unpredictable at times. She could range from murderous, to carefree, to depressed, and sometimes too forgiving. I hadn't remembered much about the feelings I harbored for her, but what I did remember was her behavioral and mental issues.

I took a deep breath in preparation for what was to come and opened the door slowly. Eleanor was no where in sight on the first floor. I could faintly hear Dogmeat wagging his tail against the metal walls upstairs. she was in her room.

I ignored the robot butler questioning me and tiptoed up the stairs. I waited in front of the door to her room and held my ear to the cold frame. She was crying again and cursing herself for what happened.

"Dogmeat, this is all my fault. If I hadn't asked about is fucking childhood. How could I have been so stupid?" She cried.

My body ached when the pain in her voice reverberated through my body. Every fiber of my being screamed at me to open the door and hold her and tell everything was alright. But nothing was alright. Everything was very wrong. She blamed herself for my reconditioning, and no matter what I told myself, it all came down to the truth that it wasn't her fault. She had triggered a memory but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could have easily just refused to speak about that topic.

I opened the door abruptly and her head shot up. She wiped her face and hid from me. She wouldn't order me to leave her alone. She almost never ordered me to do anything. My fingers tightened over the doorknob.

"It wasn't your fault, Eleanor. You asked me to talk about my childhood, but you didn't order it. Had you ordered it, I would have had to tell you. But since you asked, I could have simply brushed the question off. The blame falls on me."

She looked over her shoulder, her face devoid of emotion for the first time I could recall. "Why do you care about me blaming myself?"

I was momentarily taken aback from the coldness in her tone and harshness of her words. I shook it off and moved the rest of the way into the small bedroom we shared. "Because I still love you. I may just be feeling it in a different way right now."

It wasn't a lie. I still loved her if I remember loving her yesterday and if I was compelled to act irrationally to make her happy. I had never cared if my employers were happy or not before I met her. Now, even after forgetting most of what I know about her, all I care about is her happiness and well-being.

She seemed to accept it as an answer, nodding and crawling slowly onto the bed. I picked her up and placed her on the bed gently. It surprised the both of us when I had involuntarily brushed her bangs out of her eyes. Her cheeks were that same shade of rose as her picture in the brooch and her eyes were as blue as ever. I leaned down, cupping her chin, and kissed her deeply. I pulled away and leaned towards her ear.

"I will remember for you."