The rumors reached Skyhold before they did and Loki tried so very hard not to react to the way others, servants and soldiers, at the keep was staring at him as he dismounted the horse, giving its neck a pat before handing the stallion over to Dennet, pretending not to see how the horsemaster was also staring while accepting the reins.
Loki had become rather good at ignoring how people were staring at the bandaged stumps on his head. Solas had insisted bandaging his head. To promote healing he had said while carefully smearing a poultice of elfroot and something onto the healing stubs. His broken arm in a sling against his chest as he mutely let himself be cared for, Solas carefully setting his nose, cleaning his face and working around to the other injuries. Sera behind him, carefully brushing the others hair and cleaning out a bit of the blood before braiding it up into its usual state, trying to pretend normal, trying to make things easier for Loki despite the shrillness in her voice. And right beside him, Bull, watching, his hand resting on Loki's knee.
Loki let out a breath, pretending not to notice Dennet's eyes flicker down to his chapped lips.
It was worse if someone stared at the pink scars around his lips somehow.
A warm arm wrapped around his waist and Loki looked up at the man beside him. Iron Bull stared back mutely, his arm warm and protective around his waist, a silent offer of support and comfort. Bull had not let him be alone since the rescue, trailing him usually as a quiet shadow, always within arms reach.
And the Inquisitor appreciated it, the ache and pain in his body requiring him to have someone help him. He let out a shaky breath through his nose. "I...I need to go talk to Cullen and Leliana...we need to... the war room..."
"I know. We can go there now." The other murmured, helping Loki towards the stairs, the Herald almost swearing at the sight of them before leaning more on Iron Bull for support. He honestly just wanted to go to bed. Anything but be around people right now, even his silent companions that were following behind before going to their respective places despite obviously wanting to stick around Loki. Their eyes burned in his back almost.
It felt like people were either walking on eggshells around him or ready to tear into a rage fit on his behalf, though Dorian, Sera and Solas had tried to act as they usually did. Eyes always betrayed them though, glancing at the bandages on his head.
Even Bull was not acting his usual self but he was not staring. Bull was just protective over him. While it didn't feel nice exactly, it did feel like something he needed.
"Inquisitor! Oh Andraste's mercy." Loki's head jerked up to look at Josephine, the human giving him a wide eyed look of worry before staring at his head too. She, like everyone else, must have heard the rumors.
Loki looked down like a beaten dog, swallowing heavily as he did, avoiding the dark and worried eyes of his diplomat. "Josephine, I need to...could you find Cullen and Leliana? I need to talk to you all in the war room." He got out, his hand gripping Bull's shoulders, nails digging slowly into the grey skin.
"Goodness...yes of course, I will fetch them now." Her hand gently touched Loki's arm and it took everything in Loki not to flinch from the touch even as his muscles tensed up. Josephine's hand stilled and he knew she must be either looking at Iron Bull or him.
"War room then." She said softly, Loki giving a sharp nod before following Iron Bull through the groups of silent nobles watching them.
Loki winched as he heard the hum of talk once the door closed behind them, glancing at Iron Bull before looking away quickly. "Ignore them Kadan. They mean nothing here." He said quietly, resisting the urge to pick the other up and carry him right to bed.
He knew Loki needed to do this, if not for his own sake then for everyone else. 'Right to his room afterward. I'll bar it if need be.' He thought inwardly even as he lead the mage through what was Josephine's office and through the hall to the great doors that contained the war room, sunshine from the broken wall shining in on them.
Only once they were inside did Loki pull away from the other, leaning on the war table instead as a reluctant Bull let go, watching. "Do you want me to stay?"
"I...yes Bull. I'd like it if you stayed." The mage sighed, rubbing his face gingerly. The warrior reached out and rubbed the others back slowly with his broad hand, feeling the tense muscles underneath the cloth. Packing spare clothes was always a good thing and Loki had felt much better about things once he was wearing one of his shirts. Though he had stood there a few moments when he had effortlessly pulled it on instead of having to carefully get one horn through and then the other.
"Inquisit-Makers breath." Loki winched as he heard Cullen take a sharp breath before the general hurried in and around him to look at Loki, the man staring in shock at the stubs that had once been impressive horns.
"Inquisitor." Loki turned his head from Cullen to Leliana, Josephine following quickly behind the redheaded bard. She glanced at the stubs but had not stared, the spymaster obviously having been warned, perhaps by Harding or any of her scouts.
"Good, you're all here." Loki shifted and straightened, putting his hand on his bandaged ribcage as he did. He was looking forward to just secluding himself in his quarters with Bull, just settling into bed and resting.
But right now, he had to be the Inquisitor. He had to be strong and...and...a ache went through his head from the stumps and Loki bit down on the inside of his cheeks, his nails digging into the wooden table.
'Work through it. Work through it.' He thought harshly, forcing his eyes open but not moving them from the maps on the table. "Leliana, we found quite a large encampment of Red Templars in Emerald Graves. I want you to investigate and if you find more of them, have Cullen send soldiers to take care of them. Taven, a dalish, and his group are there exploring a ancient elven tomb and with the interest both Corypheus and his minions have shown a unusual amount of interest in elven ruins, I'd rather they not get caught in the crossfire."
Another throb of pain went through his head.
Leliana was saying something. Loki struggled to listen. "It may be easier to have scouts check in on them instead. Dalish are not always welcoming of humans and we have elven scouts that may not upset them as much." She said carefully and then she paused. "Inquisitor, are you alright?"
Loki tried to shake his head, it felt wooly and he needed to be able to concentrate. It hadn't felt clear since the others had managed to rescue him from the templars though. Most of the time on the way home he had spent sleeping.
He still felt sorry for the horse which he had been tied to. He still couldn't believe Dorian had tied him to the damn horse but at least it had prevented him from slipping of said creature when he had fallen asleep.
No one had commented on it even as they took turns on tying the reins to their riding animals.
"I'm fine." The lie slipped past his lips without any conviction behind it and Leliana sighed. "Perhaps we should wait wi-"
"No!" Loki jerked his head up only to stagger, the ache turning into a spike of dizziness through his whole body, white spots flashing inside his head and he would have fallen had it not been for the solid man behind him, catching him quickly.
"Easy Kadan." Iron Bull rumbled, looking at the three humans before quite firmly lifting the other up bridal style, muscles straining a bit under the others dead weight. "You need to rest." He murmured into a sharp ear as the mage panted against grey skin.
"I nee-...oh Maker, I need to throw up I think." Loki swallowed heavily.
Iron Bull nodded to the advisors, trusting them to know what to do with the information they'd been given before turning, letting Josephine hurry around the table to open the door of the war room. He cradled the Inquisitor against his chest, feeling the others to hot forehead against his chest even as the bandages lightly rubbed against his shoulder as he stepped out, murmuring comfort as a female dwarf servant at the desk looked up then hurried to open the other two doors for them.
Her gaze was worried as she looked up at Bull and the Inquisitor, obviously wanting to ask but not daring to.
Iron Bull appreciated that right now, wanting to get Loki to bed and cradle the other in the comfort he needed.
Loki just wanted everything to stop floating and moving around him, shivering a bit against Bull's warm chest. Was it cold or was it just him, aching and tender that felt like it was?
He wasn't sure, he wasn't sure of a lot of things lately.
Not even Bull.
Bull had been qunari.
He had believed in it. In what the Qun offered and had been...well proud of it, of how it helped him deal with the savageness that apparently lived inside them. And in the Qun, someone like Loki would have been bound and his horns cut, he would have followed orders or died if not, not even fit to be turned into a mildless laborer because of the magic that thrummed underneath his skin.
And now Loki was hornless, scars around his lips and pain in his body from it all. He LOOKED the part of a saarebas.
So did Bull still want him, still trust him as he should?
"Stop that." He looked up at the murmur that caused Bull's chest to rumble.
"You are you. You are the Inquisitor. The boss. My Kadan. Loki Adaar. Nothing will ever change that." He tucked the other more against his chest as he made his way towards the throne and the door to the side that would lead up to Loki's room.
"But..." Loki swallowed as the other dipped a bit to get the door open and slip inside, a flash of nausea curling through him again. "I look...I look like a saarebas." He murmured quietly.
"You look like someone who's been hurt. Someone who could really do with sleep in a bed, proper food and a bath once he's up to it." The warrior said firmly, his grip tightening a bit at what Loki said.
"...You...You're not scared of me?" Loki whispered. "I know what the Qun thinks...both of mages and of hornless ones like me..."
"Kadan, I would never fear you because I know you would rather do harm to yourself then to me or anyone you care about. Never willingly." Iron Bull tried to sooth the other, feeling the tremble pass through his frame. "You are strong and beautiful to me. Nothing can change that, not a thousand tears or scars. You are you, no one else and that is what I...that is what I love about you." Bull set Loki down on the bed and knelt in front of the other, staring at him with his good eye, making sure to catch his eyes. "I love you Loki."
Loki stared at the other before taking a shuddering breath and throwing himself at the other, arms curling around his neck as he hid in it. "I love you...I love you...I love you too Bull." He sobbed against the others neck.
The warrior closed his muscled arms around the other, holding him. "I know." He stayed where he was, despite the ache it provided to his knees and his braced ankle, rubbing Loki's back slowly.
He waited until the other was empty of tears before shifting him back and slowly undressing him, throwing the clothes to the banister, getting Loki bare to his smallclothes. "Into bed." He murmured, helping the other tuck into bed.
"Are you going to stay?" Loki tried not to make his tone fearful but it still clung to his words, like a unpleasant harbor odor to clothes.
"Yes, I'm just going to throw a log into the fire and undress too." Bull promised, noting how Loki was watching him move, green eyes never leaving him. 'Those eyes, to scared...oh Kadan, how am I going to help you here?'
Sex would not fix the pain. Only time and assurance would make Loki understand that Bull was not going to just up and leave. That he was not going anywhere without the mage knowing about it. He threw the log in and returned to the bed, sitting down to get rid of the brace first before getting fully undressed and joining Loki, the bed dipping under them as Bull got comfortable, pillows settled in to support his head and horns before he pulled Loki firmly against his warm and muscled chest, stroking the others cheek gently.
Loki leaned into the hand, awkwardly trying to find out how his head now fit against the others shoulder and chest, the lack of horns making the job easier but reminding him of what he had lost.
It had not been pride or vanity that had made Loki love his horns. It had been the knowledge that he was different, he was not like those under the Qun, that he was free.
Now?
Now he was wobbling, awkward and unsure like a newborn duckling. Or a colt on shaky legs, trying to get its bearing before wolves smelled it.
"Stop it." Bull rumbled, still caressing Loki's cheek slowly. "I know what you're thinking and you are NOT one of them."
"I could have been...had my parents been under the Qun." He looked at Bull.
"But you aren't. Torturing yourself with what and ifs are pointless Kadan. We are here, you are here, safe, in your home with me. And I promise you, nothing will touch you here if I have to sit right outside the door with my axe I will." He rumbled.
Loki peered at him then kissed the palm of the others hand.
Bull could tell he didn't believe the warrior, not yet at least. But he'd prove it to his mage, he'd say it as often as the other needed, he'd shout it from Leliana's tower if needed. He would prove it to his Kadan.
"You are gorgeous, just as you are and I love you."
Loki closed his eyes, feeling Bull's lips touch his forehead before he slipped of to a uneasy, exhausted sleep.