A/N: Another trigger warning, just in case the one in the summary wasn't enough. More discussion of rape and discussion of flashbacks (no details).
"Regina..." Emma choked out as she laid in bed with her lover that night.
"What is it, baby? You okay?"
"I'm... I'm okay..."
"Emma," the woman said slowly, sitting up in bed and looking at the blonde. "Talk to me."
"Do you feel trapped with me?"
"What?! Of course not! Why would you say that?"
Swallowing hard, Emma rubbed her eyes, forcing back the tears that threatened to fall.
"I'm so fucked up. How can you stay with me?"
"You're not fucked up, Emma. And I stay because I'm in love with you."
Hearing this, the girl found herself unable to fight the sobs any further and burst into tears. She wanted to believe the woman's words words. She wanted to accept them and let go of her fears and insecurities. But even the kindest words could not stop the self-doubting thoughts from flooding her mind as she sat up and began to shake from crying.
"Emma... Oh, God. Emma... Baby... Talk to me. What's going on?"
"I... I don't know. I mean... I'm... I don't... I know you knew about my cutting before we got together, but... ever since I was in the hospital, I've just..."
When Emma stopped completely, sobbing harder, Regina wrapped an arm around her shoulders and softly said, "Keep going, baby. Say what you need to say. I'm right here."
"I feel like this is too much for you."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I'm a wreck! I don't understand how you can talk about... about... marrying me... I'm so... so messed up. I don't know how to fix it or make myself better for you. I'm trying, but I just don't feel like I can. I feel like this is never going to end, and I feel like you're going to get overwhelmed and leave me."
"I will never leave you," the woman told her, her expression suddenly stony and serious as she lifted her lover's chin until their eyes met. "Not ever."
"But I-"
"No. Not ever. I understand if you don't want to get married, but I don't care about that. I'm not leaving you. I need you, Em..."
"You don't need me," the blonde sniffled. "I'm just holding you back. You should be with someone stable. Someone mature and beautiful and smart and funny and-"
"You are all of those things. I don't care if you're stable. I'm going to be here to be your rock, no matter what happens."
"I can't, Regina. I can't keep bringing you down like this. You have your own stuff to deal with, and I'm just adding to the pile. I'm just another patient to deal with."
"You are not my patient! You are my lover. I need you."
"You don't need a fuck up like me to bring you down like this."
"Stop saying that," Regina pleaded. "You're not bringing me down. You're holding me together."
"What?"
"Some stuff has been going on at work, and the only thing keeping my head above water is you."
"What? Why didn't you tell me? What's going on?"
"I can't tell you, Emma. You know I can't tell you. Just know that I need you and that you're everything I could ever want in a lover. You're the glue that holds all my broken pieces together when I feel like I'm falling apart."
"Why didn't you tell me you were having problems at work?" Emma repeated harshly. "I don't keep things from you."
"Yes, you do."
"Regina, that's..."
"I just found out that one of the little boys I treat is being sexually abused by his father. I had to report it, and now they're going to put him in foster care, because his mother won't leave her husband."
"Oh, fuck..." the blonde breathed. "That's horrible. I am so sorry, Regina..."
"I'm so scared of what's going to happen to him now. What if it's worse, you know? What if... What if they hurt him, or... I mean... You know how scary that can be, and how horrible some families are. Not that they're all like that, but... What if things only get worse for him?"
"I don't think it can get worse than what's happening now, honey," Emma sighed. "He's already being abused. Are you going to continue to work with him?"
"Yes. The state is mandating that his foster family bring him to therapy."
"Then you'll be able to monitor what's going on."
"But what if something's wrong and he doesn't tell me?"
"He told you about his father, right?"
"I saw bruises on his arms and asked him about it. I managed to sort of coax it out of him, but... I'm still... I feel like I failed him, not seeing it earlier."
"How long have you been seeing him?"
"A while."
"How long has the abuse been happening?"
"I don't know. He wouldn't say."
Leaning in to her lover, Emma sighed again and kissed the woman's cheek.
"I love you," she said. "And I'm so sorry. This must be so hard on you."
"You need to tell me what's going on, Emma. You can't keep bottling this up."
"I'm working through it. I told you. I'm going to therapy, just like you wanted. Why isn't that good enough?"
"Because I know there are things you're not saying. Things that are affecting us."
"I..."
"I'm not going to force you, but the longer you keep this stuff from me, the more you're going to drive a wedge between us."
"You think I'm driving a wedge between us?"
"Honestly? Yes. My work doesn't affect you or what's going on in our relationship. What's going on with you, though? That affects us both. I know there's something wrong. I know this stuff isn't just in your past."
"Regina..."
"I want you to move in with me, Emma. I want to be with you all the time. I want you to be here when I get home from work, and when I leave in the morning. I want you in my bed every night, not just a few nights a week. But if that's going to happen, you can't keep all this stuff from me and expect everything to just be fine. You can't keep pretending that it's not still hurting you."
Vigorously shaking her head, the blonde began to cry again, harder this time, until Regina wrapped her arms around her again.
"Baby, please..."
"I can't," Emma sobbed.
"You can. Whatever it is that's got you down all the time, it's not going to scare me or make me leave."
How did she know that's what I was thinking? Emma wanted to know. A moment of panic washed over her, until she realized that the woman couldn't read her thoughts, and she was probably just being perceptive. I need to just tell her... I need to tell her. I need to do it now.
"Let me in, Emma. Let me carry this burden with you."
"I still feel him," the girl cried, covering her face with her hands. "I still think about it all the time, and I can't get it to stop, and when we fuck, it gets worse, and it's not that I don't want to fuck you, because I do, but I... I have these horrible flashbacks, and... and... and..."
"Oh, baby girl," Regina sighed. "I understand. I know exactly what that feels like."
"What? You're not... You're not freaked out or... or..."
When the girl began to sob harder, Regina kissed her cheek slowly and whispered, "I've been through it too."
"But you're so... you're so calm and collected and stable and together and I'm just a fucking wreck!"
"I'm still hurting from things that have happened to me, Emma. I still struggle. It still affects me. I've just dealt with it in therapy for a long, long time to get to the place I'm at now. I don't really have the flashbacks anymore, but when we had sex the first time... It happened."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"For the same reason you didn't tell me."
"You were scared?"
"I was very scared. I didn't want to freak you out. But I'm going to be here for you, no matter what. I'm not scared of what you've been through, and I'm not leaving."
There was a long silence where Emma continued to sob, but eventually the tears slowed and she was able to choke out a few more words.
"I can't move in with you."
"But... why? I thought..."
"It's too fast. I love you. I do. But I can't... I'm not ready. I'm too scared."
"That's okay," the brunette told her softly, tucking some of her hair behind her ear and wiping her eyes. "I understand."
"You do?"
"I do. When you're ready, though, the offer still stands."
Sniffling, the girl said a quiet, "Thank you, Regina," and scooted closer to her lover, allowing Regina to hold her close as they relaxed against the pillows.