Tomoyo and I end up not announcing our engagement that night. Instead, I spend the evening cleaning vomit. Long story. Long night.
The evening starts like normal. Gifts, awkward conversations, greetings from absent friends, compliments for the smell streaming from the kitchen. Eventually, we all sit down to eat. She's just opposite me. Furukawa Nagisa, the insect. I have to keep myself from staring at her. Instead, I spend the first hour of the evening stealing glances. Do I imagine it or is she glancing back?
Meanwhile, all night, Tomoyo keeps sending me hints. Raised eyebrows. Excited smiles. Now? Should we tell them now? She's so excited.
I panic. I dodge the hints, pretending not to see them. Instead, I keep the drinks flowing, playing at being the generous host. None of us usually drink much but tonight we down bottle after bottle. Wine, sake, cocktails. I don't dare to drink that much myself. I don't trust what I would do if I get too drunk. Still, I get my fair share.
As the night progresses I try to steer the conversation away from any topics that could potentially get Tomoyo into announcement mood. It's exhausting. But it gets the job done. Tomoyo's colleagues tell travel stories from abroad. Kyou gossips like she always does. Sunohara drunkenly tells dirty stories and of course the girls, who all turned their noses up at every word he uttered in high school, laugh until they are ready to fall off their chairs. False bitches, every last one of them. All except Nagisa. No, that's not fair! Sunohara was an arse back then, and they were all young. Hell, I didn't listen to him most of the time and I was supposed to be his best friend. I pinch myself in the leg under the table. When did I become so judgemental?
Finally, well past midnight, Tomoyo stumbles to her feet and raises her glass. Shit, she's gotten tired of waiting. Luckily for me, the latest hit has just started playing. I race towards the stereo and raise the music way more than we usually do. Everybody cheers. I raise my glass, cheer loudly and we all start to dance. Nobody suspects that I did it to stop Tomoyo. No one except Nagisa. She glances at me and her eyes cut through the mask of bullshit and lies I spent all night putting into place and straight into my soul. It's like she knows.
We dance. To the cheers of the crowd, I drunkenly make out with Tomoyo on the dancefloor while constantly trying to catch a glimpse of Nagisa at the corner of my eye. It feels like I'm an actor on a stage. A cringe-worthy horrible actor. Finally, I can't take it anymore. I need to get away, need to collect my thoughts. The room is spinning. I didn't drink that much, did I?
I stumble out into the hallway and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I walk up to the sink and splash my face with cold water. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath through my nose. Then the smell hits me and I realize I'm not alone in the toilet.
Hunched over the toilet just to the right of me, her overly done makeup smeared all over her face, tears dripping from her nose, Nagisa is puking her guts out. Her dress is crumpled and stained with tears, her hair is a mess, the entire toilet smells sour. Yet I don't really notice any of that. No, what my esteemed brain chooses to focus on is how beautiful she looks. Tomoyo is dressed in her best dress tonight, and her body is a perfect ten out of ten. And here we have this clumsy ill-dressed insect girl is on the floor, covered in vomit. So why is she the most beautiful thing I have ever seen?
No, I don't want to be that guy, gawking at drunk girls in the toilet! I almost have to physically pull my eyes away. This isn't good, I can't be in here.
"I'll get Kyou," I try. But as soon as I mention Kyou's name Nagisa lurches up towards me. She falls over and clutches at my knees in desperation. I can see the panic rising in her eyes.
"NO!" she wails. "Please! Don't tell her, I beg you. I could never look her in the eyes again." She convulses and crawls back to the toilet bowl again on her hands and knees. "Oh god..."
I can't bloody well leave her here even if I knew that is what should do. Who's fault was it that she drank this much if not mine? I tell myself all kinds of excuses. I pretend like I actually have the choice to leave her here like this. That I make a conscious choice to stay, denying the fact that my heart would never allow anything else. So I hold her auburn hair out of her face as she throws up. She so small.
"You must think I am such as loser" she sobs in one of her rare breaks between the retching.
"Of course not! Why would you say that?" I state without thinking.
"I know what they're all saying!" She wails. "Sickly, clumsy, stupid, awkward Nagisa. Always a step behind everyone else, never able to hold a job, never been kissed." Two miserable amber eyes look up at me.
"I'm so sorry I ruined your night. I told Kyou that I was no good at parties. I told her!" Her face trembles and she breaks down on the floor. "She'll never want to speak with me again! I've proven them all right."
"Don't worry," I smile encouragingly at her and awkwardly pat her head. "Everyone's drunk as skunks and the music is so loud that I expect more than one angry letter from the neighbours tomorrow. I'll be bowing in apology all day until I fall over. Believe me, no one has noticed a thing."
Finally, there doesn't seem to be anything more for her stomach to expunge. Stumbling to her feet, she rinses out her mouth and makes a valiant effort to clean up her makeup. She ends up looking almost like a clown. But she's so drunk that I suspect she can't see the difference.
"Do I look ok?"
I can't help but chuckle. She giggles. No, Nagisa, you don't look ok.
You look divine.
But I can't say that. I need to say something else. Yet I don't. Instead, I move closer to her. Her eyes widen but she doesn't move away from me.
I'm drunk and she's drunk as hell. This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I move even closer. I place my hands on her hips. She gasps and shivers at my touch, big amber eyes shining up at me, full of expectation. She's so soft. Why is she so soft? Why do I feel like this when I am close to her? Like...like I'm complete. Like she's all I need.
Tomoyo! My wife to be. She's out there dancing. Excited. This is supposed to be our big night. I should go to her.
But I don't. God forgive me, I don't. Instead, I lean down. Nagisa tilts her head to meet mine. She smells like vomit but I couldn't care less. Our faces are just inches apart when there's a loud cheer from the living room and the crack of fireworks from outside. I hear Tomoyo loudly wondering where I'm at. The spell shatters like a mirror. Nagisa blushes and pulls away from me, hugging her shoulders. Looking ashamed, she turns her eyes to the floor.
"We..we'd better get back."
"Yes, I guess."
I peek into the hallway. The coast is clear. Quietly we slip back into the hallway. But just as I'm about to close the toilet door behind us Kyou comes dancing down the hallway at breakneck speed, fresh wine bottle in hand. She throws herself into my arms, giving me a huge hug, words flying out of her mouth like a machine gun.
"Tomoya! Where were you? You missed the fireworks! This is the best party ever! Tomoyo's looking for you by the way. Tomoya and Tomoyo! So funny! What's the odds of that? I can't believe..."
Then she catches sight of Nagisa. She pulls back from the hug and looks at her friend with genuine worry.
"Oh, honey what happened to you?"
"It's nothing," Nagisa waves her hand apologetically in front of her face.
Kyou sees the open toilet door with the lights on inside. She stops and blinks as if she doesn't trust what she seeing. She points toward the door and frowns.
"Wait...were...you two both in there? Together?" she looks confused. Her voice has the tiniest edge to it. Nagisa turns white. She tries to stutter something but no words come out. Instead, some else comes out. She violently pukes all over the hallway carpet. I would never have guessed that such a small girl could contain so much vomit. It's kind of impressive.
In any case, that effectively puts an end to the evening. Everyone scrambles to clean up, to comfort the devastated Nagisa away from prying eyes, to call taxis and put away the many glasses and bottles. The other guests quickly make their excuses and slip out the door, leaving Kyou and Nagisa to leave last. Finally, Nagisa has been comforted enough to be guided into a cab. I just catch a glimpse of she's hurried out the door. Will I ever see here again? The thought cuts me like a knife. Kyou must have noticed because when she hugs me close she leans in closer and whispers in my ear.
"Do you really know what you're doing?" She raises an eyebrow as we pull apart. Her tone is not accusatory, more worried. After all, she's my friend, I know that. She can be a lot to handle, but I have no doubt that she wants what's best for me. That's more than I can say for myself right now.
We waved goodbye and close the door.
"Well, that was...interesting" Tomoyo giggles. She hops out into the kitchen, humming her favourite song, totally unphased by the abrupt end to the evening. So strong. Surely strong enough to live without me?
"Oh shoot, we never got to announce our engagement!" She pouts. "Oh well, I guess we'll just have to host another party! No rush, right? We got the rest of our lives!" She throws her arms around my neck and gives me a quick kiss.
"But without the plus one next time, right?"
"Hehe, yeah definitely."
We laugh together while I die a little inside. Tomoyo takes a quick shower while I do the last tidying up. I hear her tiptoeing back into the bedroom and change for bed.
"Come to bed," she purrs after me. I know exactly what that tone of voice means. She always gets in the mood when she has had a couple.
I do what's expected of me even if it makes me feel dirty. I touch her and it just feels wrong. I kiss her and it tastes like ashes in my mouth. I hear her moan and the sound makes my skin crawl. The lights are off so Tomoyo doesn't notice when I pinch my eyes shut. And there, finally, in the swirling darkness, I see those big amber eyes shining up at me. My entire body relaxes. With their help, I can perform my duty to my wife to be.
Just one problem: Tomoyo has blue eyes.
Afterwards, when we are done, sleep eludes me. I lie in bed, staring at Tomoyo, sleeping next to me. She's bloody gorgeous. Tonight very nearly ended in disaster. There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Either that or I'm just a horrible person.