The road to recovery was a slow process, everyday of healing was torment on Loki.
Not just physical but mentally as well. The wounds and broken bones healed but underneath the surface he was bleeding. Or so it felt to him at least.
Catching himself in the mirror or even mundane tasks as putting on his shirts made him remember what he had lost. Bull tried to assure him, tried to make Loki see that it was not as bad as he thought.
And now ontop of that, he had to go to Adamant?
Bloody voided nugs!
Hawke was pleasant enough, she hadn't made a huge number out of him being a oxman or even made to many comments about Iron Bull even, despite the rumors of what the Tal-Vashoth had used to be obviously reaching the Champion.
Loghain however...
Well Loki wasn't sure what to think about the man, with the things he had learned from Leliana. But the former tyern was now a warden, not someone who had a lot of power to pull honestly. Not unless he evoked the right of conscription and honestly?
There was no Blight. Without the Blight, only Loghain's tongue would bind someone to committing resources or people. So he was toothless politically.
So he had no trouble kicking his legs up on a stool in the tavern while stuffing his pipe, sitting close to Bull with a tankard beside him while Hawke and Loghain talked quietly among themselves about Adamant.
"Inquisitor." Loki looked up, about to tuck his tobacco pouch onto his belt as he peered curiously at Loghain. "Yes?"
"Would it be alright if I asked a...personal question?" The older man eyed him, a note of curiosity in eyes that had seen much of the world.
"Mmmn, I reserve the right not to answer but go ahead." The mage hovered his hand over the pipe and lit it up with his magic, fine tuned control keeping it to only light the dried plant inside it.
The Hero of River Dane nodded. "Your called the Herald of Andraste, yet you're a oxman. My question is this, do you even believe in the chantry, the Maker and her?"
Loki felt Bull stiffen beside him and swore he could hear the tavern dim in sound just a tiny bit at the question. The white haired male took a deep drag of his pipe and puffed it out carefully as he thought over how to answer. Regardless how he answered it would damn him in some eyes an raise him in others once the rumors of what he said reached them.
What was it some said?
Honesty is the best policy?
Well, Loki wouldn't deny the man a answer then.
"Yes and no." He finally answered. "I believe Andraste existed, I believe in higher powers and I believe in history. But do I believe she was chosen by the Maker? I am not sure. Do I believe the chantry is right in its...rules? No." He took another drag, shifting his thigh to brush against Bull's for support.
"The Chantry is run by men and women. Men and women, even those of the chantry have proven to be corruptible and has always been so. I'll take a good example, the uprising of the elves, when it happened, the Chant of light got changed, the canticle of Shartan was removed and declared heretic. By the chantry." The mage eyed his pipe. "Yet he was one of Andrastes firmest supporter, a general of her army who died when she was betrayed."
He looked at Loghain, poison green eyes firm. "So to answer you, yes, I believe in the Maker. Yes, I believe Andraste was real. But no, I do not believe in the chantry, because we mortal are to easy to corrupt and to be corrupt, we are to easy to change the 'facts' to suit our own needs. The Chantry is like anyone other organization who win." He took another breath of his pipe and blew out rings, staring at them.
"And I keep that in mind as I lead the inquisition. My legacy will not become a thousand years of suppressing what doesn't suit us. History will know what I did and why I did it. I will make sure of it." He felt Bull's arm slip around him and looked at the other who gave him a curved smile as his muscled arm rested around the mages shoulders.
"That's...a interesting view." Loghain finally offered.
"And heretical." Loki chuckled, looking back at the human. "But as you said, I'm a oxman. To the chantry, I'm already something dangerous, makes it easier for them to condemn me."
"You think that would happen?" Hawke asked.
"Not right now, no. But after Corypheus defeat?" He looked at the Champion of Kirkwall. "Do you honestly think that the Chantry would accept a power like me remaining once its on its feet again. Lets not forget Orlais and Fereldan, how would they feel about it, we are a army, we are power and we could potentially challenge them. After all, we are already challenging the grey wardens, why not a whole country?"
"But...you wouldn't do that." They looked over at Cole who was sitting on a barrel near Marydan.
"I know that Cole. And you know that. But others don't know me. They'll see this." Loki gestured to himself with his pipe and then lifted his left hand, letting it glow faintly green. "And this. They'll see the oxman with cut horns who has a powerful hand. They'll see a oxman mage who has the power to destroy with a army at his call. That's what they'll know." Loki sighed and waved his pipe. "I'll do my duty, I'll bring Corypheus and his Red Templar allies to their knees, what happens after is as much your guess as mine."
Loki settled back against Bull as Loghain returned to his conversation with Hawke, looking as if he wished he hadn't asked at all.
It was a big answer, what Loki believed in and his belief what would come after. But out from historical facts he knew, that would be the future.
"Kadan..." He looked at Bull, his attention drawn away. "Perhaps its time for bed. Its going to be a early morning." The horned male murmured.
Loki sighed but nodded, getting to his feet. "True, we are leaving for Adamant...alright." He looked at Bull before heading out of the tavern and into the crisp air. Taking a deep breath, the white haired male made his way towards the stairs, hands in his pockets.
A early morning. Loki sighed to himself as he made his way through the practically empty hall towards the throne and his own door.
He smiled however as he heard boots in the stairs and a steady click of metal against stone. Like a harness.
He stopped, resting his hand on the doorknob while watching the hall doors, his smile growing a bit more as he saw the big hulking shadow of Iron Bull. "I was wondering if you were joining me."
"What can I say, you're bed is more comfortable then mine Kadan." The other male chuckled, moving over as Loki opened the door and stepped in, following after the slighter vashot. "Beside, the contents of the bed is a lot more...interesting in my eyes." He pulled the door shut behind them.
"We're just going to sleep Bull." Loki rolled his eyes before yelping as Bull pulled him back with a steady grip on his wrist, pinning Loki to the stone wall. "So you say..." The stronger male murmured, pinning the mages arms over his head in a reminiscent of their first encounter if not for the lack of Loki's horns clicking against the stones.
Loki swallowed heavily and looked away, the move more easily done by the absence of the once so proud horns. Bull wasn't deterred, gently kissing the healed stubs. "Loki, you can't keep doing this to yourself." He murmured. "You are gorgeous to me, I swear it. The lack of horns are not foul to me." He rumbled to the other.
"I know, I..."
"Loki...let me show you how appealing I find you. Let me show you how alluring you are to me?" He carefully pulled one hand away from Loki's pinned arms, stroking the others left side slowly, the touches lingering against spots he knew were sensitive under the clothes the mage wore.
"Bull..." Loki whispered, familiar emotions rising in his stomach yet uncertainty clinging around his eyes, his mind interfering with what his body wanted even as he looked at the older man. "I..."
"I have never loved anyone before. Not like this Loki. Qunaries do not have sex for love, we care for our friends and perhaps even love them in a platonic manner but that's not what I feel for you." Bull stared at him with his good eye, making sure that Loki was paying attention. "I'm here, not because of the relief it provides me, which is great by the way, but because of how it feels to hold you close." He murmured seriously. "And seeing you in pain, physical, mentally and emotionally, hurts me too. I want to help you. But I can only help you if you let me."
"And sex is going to help." Loki countered, mixed emotions rising in the back of his throat making him feel both elated and sick at the same time.
"No." Bull lifted his mangled hand up and stroked the others cheek slowly. "But closeness would. I want to hold you Loki, I want you close and warm."
The mage stared at him but didn't pull away, feeling the rouge pads of Bull's fingers caressing his skin. And then he closed his eyes, tilting his face into the hand. "I do let you hold me though..." He murmured in a subdued tone.
"You used to. You haven't let me for a few weeks." Bull countered.
Loki opened his eyes at that, looking surprised.
"No we shared a bed not that long ag-"
"Two weeks ago. You had a nightmare. It was the only reason you let me stay. And before that it had been three weeks since it was just us two here." Bull leaned in and kissed Loki's forehead tenderly. "And a arm around you in the tavern doesn't count. Sera does that too to you."
The inquisitors brain scrambled, wanting to refute Bull's claims but...no, the warrior was right. Loki had claimed to be 'busy' each time. Or telling Bull he needed time alone.
And Bull had respected that every time.
Loki felt his heart drop to his stomach and his eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry." He whispered out and struggled not to let those damn tears fall.
"Don't be, you were healing. Let me help you finish healing though." Bull slid his forearm under Loki's rear and tugged, pulling him up. Loki gave a startled yip as his legs left the floor, the others muscled body the only thing keeping him up as he quickly wrapped his legs around the Tal-Vashoth waist, clinging a bit.
"There we go...nice and tight grip. Going to let your hands go so you can hold onto my shoulders for support." Iron Bull rumbled, carefully letting go so the olive tanned male could do just that.
Loki shivered a bit, hand clenching into the leather harness on Bull's left shoulder while Loki's nails were digging into the others grey skin on the right exposed shoulder. "Bull..." He murmured, feeling the others muscles against him, feeling taunt muscles that moved with every breath the other took.
"Shh Kadan..." Bull pulled away from the wall and started walking, carrying the other. Loki marveled at that. He wasn't a small person, but clearly to Bull, he could have been a human just as easily by the way he was moving with ease. Heat was stirring down below and he squirmed a bit, making a soft noise at being so very close to Bull, smelling him and feeling him at the same time.
A low chuckle reached his ears and the younger man flushed, the pale pink color sneaking its way across tanned cheeks and down his neck to dip under his clothes.
"I did miss that color." Bull growled lightly as he carefully moved towards the bed and deposited the mage on it. "You blush so cutely still."
"I'm not cu-"
"To me you are cute. Cute and wonderfully blushy." Bull settled down to help Loki out of the red and white outwear he had taken to wearing. It was nice to look at for sure but right now, the mercenary leader would like to get the other out of it.
A hesitant hand cupped Bull's face though, making him look into poison green eyes. "Did...did you mean it?" At the others questioning look, Loki clarified. "About being the first time you loved someone...about loving me that way?" He asked quietly.
Bull took the hand and kissed the palm of it. "Yes Kadan. You are my first love...how did you put it, the first one I connected to with both body and soul. And I don't regret that at all. Regardless of what else happens, this is what I have come to care and love, you are what I have come to care and love for." He murmured then pulled the others glove of, glancing to see if his words were penetrating Loki's sometimes to thick skull.
He found the mage staring at him, green eyes filling with tears but the corners crinkled with happiness. "Body and soul...you remembered that?"
"I remembered it." Bull set the white gloves aside. "And so much more Kadan. My love."
"Kadan. My love." Loki repeated, a brilliant smile crossing his face.
In the quiet of the night, Loki surrendered himself to Bull and let go of the pain he had carried since the Red Templars had stolen something Loki thought was important.
Bull proved to him that it was not as important as Loki had thought.
As he laid there, sweaty in the mess of sheets against Bull's chest, Loki smiled slightly. His horns had not been as important as he had thought, he didn't need them. He just needed his companions and his Bull.