Chapter 9: "The Winter of Our Content"
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The school days were passing by and soon, November would pass, too. The skies looked bleak every day and eventually, it snowed. Lukas climbed out of bed and looked out his window, blinded inititally by the stark white ground. It was a thick sheet and he guessed that school had been cancelled. His mother came up and confirmed that school had been cancelled for the day. He smiled, relieved to not have to go back today.
But they'd probably have the snow cleaned up by tomorrow, anyways. Lukas ran downstairs, ate a quick breakfast, then curled up on the couch. He flipped through the channels on the television, trying to find a good show on daytime television, which was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Finally he settled on some terrible soap opera. He could feel Emil climbing onto the couch with him. He was eating a bowl of dry cheerios and playing with a hole on his pajama shirt. "Lukas, I don't want to watch this, I want to watch cartoons," he whined. Lukas sat up and looked at him. "There aren't any cartoons on, Emil."
Emil whined loudly and rolled off of the couch. He was silent for a moment before saying, "Lukey poopy, that's your new name."
Lukas shot him a look. "You still wet the bed," he replied, crossing his arms. Emil huffed and stood up to climb onto the couch again. "Do not!"
"Do, too. Mama told me you did."
Emil's cheeks burned and he climbed onto Lukas' back and pulled on his hair. "Well she lied! I never, ever pee the bed!" Just as he Lukas was about to retaliate, the phone rang. He got up, Emil still clinging to his neck, and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hey! Lukas? That's you, right?"
Lukas immediately pulled Emil off and ran upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him. "Yes."
"I thought so. I was wondering if you wanted to maybe go sledding? There's a pretty big hill by the school."
He clutched the phone tighter and actually ran downstairs again to the kitchen where his mother was sitting at her computer. "Yes. But I don't have a sled."
"Oh, well we could share?"
Lukas really tried not to smile, but he could feel one etching out on his face and his mother was watching him curiously. "When?"
"An hour?"
"See you then, Mathias," he replied. He hung up and looked at his mother with big eyes. "Mama, can I go sledding with Mathias today, please? I'll walk, you don't have to drive me. Please?"
She nodded and he ran upstairs to get ready.
Mathias saw Lukas standing by the swingset and walked over, a grin already plastered on his face. "Lukas! Come on, it's this way," he said, grabbing Lukas' hand and leading him to the side of the school. There was a hill that lead down to a track they used sometimes for gym class. It was a large hill and fairly steep. There were already ramps made out of snow from the people who had been there earlier. There were also other people sledding there. Adults, kids, even a woman with her dog.
"Lukas, you can sit in the back and I'll sit in the front. Or you can sit in the front?" Mathias said, pulling the sled to the top of the hill. Lukas looked at it and took a seat in the front. He could feel Mathias sitting behind him. They went down once and the sled went surprisingly fast. Mathias hauled it back up the hill again, but this time, he sat in the front.
When they started down, Lukas wasn't sure how, but he'd fallen off the end and slid a little down the hill. As soon as Mathias felt him fall off, he dug his heel into the snow, stopped the sled, and stood back up. "What did you do?" He started pulling the sled back up the hill and helped Lukas up. The smaller boy shook his head and shrugged. "Well, do you still want to ride in the back? You can go up front."
Lukas pouted a little. "The wind stings," he said. He climbed onto the back of the sled adamantly and Mathias stared at him for a second before sitting in the front. Before he pushed off, he reached back, grabbed Lukas' hand, and wrapped it around his own torso.
Despite the coldness, Lukas thought he might melt. He held onto Mathias tightly, trying to contain his happiness. He clutched Mathias' shirt a little and rested his cheek on his back for just a very short moment. He hoped Mathias couldn't feel it. He was sure he wouldn't have been able to feel it through his coat, anyway.
As soon as they reached the bottom, Mathias stood up and climbed once more to the top, sled in tow. "Hey, Lukas, bet you won't go down by yourself and hit one of those ramps," he said, pointing to a mound of snow near the bottom. Lukas huffed, shot a haughty look at Mathias, and took the sled, positioning it to hit the ramp. He didn't think about it too much or he would have backed out. He sat on the wooden boards and pushed off with his hands, continuing to push on his way down to gain speed.
The ramp stopped the sled in its tracks, but that doesn't mean it stopped Lukas, who fell the rest of the way down. Mathias ran down, sliding most of the way. "Lukas! Ah, Jesus. Hey!" He knelt and shook the smaller boys shoulder. To his surprise, Lukas was laughing. He stared with big eyes, going over his face again to make sure he wasn't actually crying.
"What the hell! Why are you laughing?" He pulled Lukas to his feet. Lukas brushed the snow off of his clothes and his smile faded back into his neutral expression. "It was fun," he replied as he started back up. Mathias followed closely behind, a worried look on his face.
"So you're okay? You're not hurt or anything?"
Lukas shrugged and pointed to his side. "My side hurts a little. And my thigh, too. I probably have a bruise." He sat down the sled again and climbed on top of it. Mathias pouted, putting a hand on Lukas' shoulder to stop him from pushing off. "You're just gonna go again?" Lukas looked at Mathias' hand for a moment before saying, "You could go with me. It isn't so bad."
Mathias smiled after that, still a little worried, but if Lukas enjoyed it, there was no way it was that bad. He sat behind him and pushed off. Not surprisingly, the sled lodged in the ramp and the both flew forward. When they both came back to their senses, Mathias was flailed across Lukas and Lukas was staring up at the sky, giggling. The taller boy pushed himself up onto his hands and stared down at Lukas, utterly confused, but almost as amused. He laughed, too, relaxing a little.
"Yeah, that wasn't painless. But not bad," he said, staring at Lukas for a moment, whose smile was fading. He nervously cleared his throat. "Uh, you, er-" He spotted Lukas' hairpin in the snow and lifted it up, letting out a nervous laugh. "This is yours." He slid the clip back into its place. Lukas tried not to smile, but he could already feel one forming. He quickly brought up a hand and covered it.
Mathias scoffed slightly and grabbed Lukas' hand. "I thought you stopped that?" He asked, pinning his hand in the snow. Lukas' lips twitched a little as he tried to keep the same neutral expression. Finally he couldn't help but to smile. At that point, Mathias sat up, allowing Lukas to do the same. They both stared at each other for a moment. "You got snow in your hair, stupid," Lukas said, brushing flakes of snow out of the other boys hair. They both smiled and stood up.
Lukas' cheeks were red and splotchy. For Mathias it was mostly his nose that was a little red. It was freezing, their bodies both hurt a bit from going over the terribly constructed ramp, and they decided to treck up the hill one more time. Mathias took the sled up to the bike rack and locked it, muttering something about picking it up when the weather was a little better.
They both started to walk towards Lukas' house. Mathias was staying for a bit until his mother could pick him up. The warmth of the house was absolutely incredible. Both boys started undressing right in the doorway. They took off as much as possible while still keeping their decency, dropping the soaked clothes on a doormat. Lukas saw his mother drinking coffee in the kitchen and looking through a magazine with Emil on her lap. She smiled when she saw them come in.
"Hey, Mathias! How are you? You both look so cold," she said, pushing her magazine out of Emils range. Lukas sat at the table and Mathias did the same. "I'm great! Thanks for asking." He smiled and turned to Lukas, who still had bright red cheeks. "Lukas pretty much flew today. Got a good five feet of air. Honestly surprised he isn't hurt."
Lukas rolled his eyes and punched him in the arm before standing up and reaching for a mug. "I am not hurt, though, mama."
Mathias almost snickered. Mama. His mother started asking him questions, but Mathias couldn't understand what she was saying at all. Lukas responded the same. In Norwegian. His mother then smiled wider and raised an eyebrow, nodding at Mathias faintly. She muttered something secretly and Lukas became visably flustered. He said something back. It sounded kind of angry and he was clearly pouting. He poured a glass of milk and sat back down, giving his mother a sharp look.
The woman just smiled and gathered her things, including Emil, and let them be, but he could still hear her laughing in the room over. "I'm sorry about that, Mathias," he said, sitting next to him.
"Nah, no big deal," he said, getting up and grabbing himself a mug. He just filled it with water, though, and didn't sit back down. "I like your mom. Wait, I meant your mama, sorry." He laughed to himself, but Lukas was not amused. "That's what she is," he said sharply, giving Mathias a stern look. Mathias shrugged and sipped his water.
"I'm only teasing," he said, tapping his finger on the side of the mug and thinking for a moment. "Hey, uh... I'm sorry about Gilbert the other night. He's so stupid. He dared me to call you and if I didn't he was going to lock me in his closet and it smells like old shoes in there, so. Yeah, I'm real sorry."
Lukas measured his words and nodded. "I thought so," was all he said. The taller boy inwardly groaned. He wanted to know it didn't bother Lukas and he really couldn't tell if it did or not. "Lukas, come on. You're not mad, are you?"
Where was this coming from? Why did Mathias think he was mad? "No. I'm not mad at all," he replied, looking a little more worried. "Did it make you mad?"
Mathias took a deep breath and shrugged. He hadn't really thought about that. He supposed it did make him a little mad. Lukas stood up and put his empty milk glass in the sink. "It was just a dumb joke, wasn't it?"
Good question. Was it a dumb joke? He was sure it was a dumb joke to Gilbert, but something in him told him there was something truly disheartening about it. It wasn't funny to him at all to joke about kissing Lukas or anything like that. He had really wanted to beat up Gilbert at that moment, not even playfully. Yeah, it had definitely pissed him off.
"I just don't think it was funny," he replied, laying his head down on the table. Lukas stood in front of him and shrugged a little. "Well," he began as he leaned against the table. "Why wasn't it? You say things like that to other people. I've heard you."
Mathias shrugged again and shook his head. "It was embarrassing." He played with a salt shaker on the table, refusing to make eye contact with the other boy. Lukas finally sat down next to him and pushed the salt shaker out of his reach. "If you know it isn't true, you shouldn't feel bad," he said quietly. Mathias mumbled and lifted his head, only to drop it again. "I don't really care if he made you say that to me, Mathias," he said at last, looking down at his feet.
Mathias immediately smiled and looked up, happy as ever. "Good. I mean, not that I think you'd be gross to kiss or anything. Plus I'm not gay," he said with a weird kind of pride. Lukas let out a little sound that he realized might have come off as disappointment, but he was pretty sure Mathias didn't even notice.
Honestly though, it felt like a nasty sting for Lukas to hear him say it like that. Like it was such a terrible thing. "Do you even know what gay means?"
"Of course I do! It's like... two men who are super girly and they kiss and stuff."
Lukas sighed a little but tried to keep his composure. "Maybe they kiss because they love each other. I don't think gay people can help it," he said. Mathias smirked and leaned back, rolling his eyes. "A lot of people choose to be gay. I could choose to be gay but that's stupid."
It took all Lukas had to not just yell at him for being so idiotic. "Mathias, you don't choose to like girls, do you? It's the same thing. They don't choose to like boys. They just... do."
"Whatever. I'm just saying that I'm not."
Lukas felt a lump forming in his throat. That tone. It came down to that tone he used when talking about it that really truly stung. "If I was gay, would you still be my friend?" He regretted asking when he saw Mathias give him the weirdest look he'd ever given him. It looked like a cross between curiosity, disgust, and surprise. He finally shrugged and said, "That's different. You're really nice and you're my friend. I know you aren't bad."
"But other people who are gay are bad?!" He was really, really trying to keep it in, but his face was getting hotter and he was on his feet in a flash, the tension in his throat releasing in the form of tears. "People who are gay can't help it just like you can't help however you feel! I don't know why you are saying stupid things!" He suddenly felt like he was going to throw up and he didn't want to talk anymore. He ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Mathias just stared at the bathroom door, taking in what just happened. Lukas flipped out on him for disagreeing with his opinion on gay people? Why did he even care? He got up and knocked on the door. "Look, we don't even have to talk about it anymore! We can just pretend it didn't happen," he yelled. "Lukas?"
Lukas locked the door and started crying nervously. Now he knows, he thought to himself, more tears rolling down his cheeks. He was completely and utterly miserable. He hadn't felt this bad since he had told his mother how he felt about Mathias. He explained that he sort of had a crush on him, and that had been really hard for him to admit. And now here he was, most likely confessing to Mathias with his actions.
He didn't answer when Mathias yelled. He just sat on the edge of the tub, knowing this was just making everything worse, but he couldn't face him right now. He had acted so disgusted and he couldn't take it. He already felt bad about feeling that way, like he should think something else, but he just couldn't imagine himself ever kissing a girl. The idea was so foreign to him.
"Lukas, I'm really sorry! I didn't know how important this was to you! Please open the door," Mathias yelled. He knocked loudly on the door until he heard footsteps behind him. His mother. She knocked softly and jiggled the doorknob. "Lukas? It's me. You need to open up the door."
He stared grimly at the door and opened it a tiny bit. Just for her, though. She smiled a little and tried to pry the door open a little more. "What's wrong?"
He wiped the tears off of his cheeks and looked out at Mathias, who was watching with widened eyes. He just shook his head and cried harder, feeling so embarrassed but not being able to take it back now. He should have just stopped while was ahead and talked it out with Mathias instead of crying in the bathroom.
Luckily, his mother seemed to sense what was going on and she ushered Mathias into the living room. She talked to him until his mother came to get him, though it was tense. Both of them were worried but neither was brave enough to talk about it. Once he was gone, she went back to the bathroom and nudged the door open.
"Okay, Lukas Christian. We're going to have a talk."
"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone." ~John Steinbeck (The Winter of Our Discontent)