Clarke

The train slowed as they reached the outskirts of Polis, and Clarke looked out the window curiously as they snaked along a wide river that was surprisingly straight. The first thing she noticed was huge looming concrete shapes, a few tall and skinny, others squat and sloping outward like big vases. White smoke plumed from the top of every one of them.

"What are those?" Yana asked from behind her.

"I don't know," Clarke admitted.

Both girls turned their eyes to Elody, who smiled and explained, "It is a power plant. It eats coal and powers the city. The train also runs on coal, and its supplies will be replenished here."

"Wait," Clarke said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Are you saying there's electricity in Polis?"

With a soft smile Elody said, "I know you have made assumptions about the clans, but I think Polis may change many of them."

Again Clarke heard Lexa's voice in her mind saying, Polis will change the way you think about us.

With a small smile she said, "I think you're right. How long will it take us to get from here to Camp Jaha?" She assumed that the rest of their journey would now have to involve horses.

But Elody surprised her again by saying, "We aren't going to Camp Jaha."

"Why not?" Clarke asked hesitantly.

"I sent my messenger to speak with Bellamy as you asked. She is with him now, and they are on their way here because they plan to travel to Tawa to see you. We will meet up with them in Polis instead."

Clarke felt so many emotions in that moment- disbelief, confusion, excitement, and- shamefully- fear. Knowing she would see Bellamy so soon, she couldn't help but be afraid and uncertain, wondering what their reunion would be like. She wanted desperately to see him again, but she was scared of what she would learn, how he would look at her, whether he would blame her for all these months she'd been gone. It had been so long since they'd stood in the same space, all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him, knowing that somehow that would make everything okay. But what if he didn't forgive her, didn't allow her to even come near him? Could she live through that?

"Clarke," Elody said gently, pulling her from her thoughts. "What troubles you?"

"Nothing," she lied, forcing a smile. "I just didn't expect all this."

"Perhaps you should rest," she suggested, her voice sympathetic. "There is an inn where we will be staying. I have much to do, but your guards will take you there." She waved over the two burly men who she'd assigned to protect Clarke, and together with Yana, Clarke allowed herself to be led away.

The rooms in this particular inn were quite luxurious, which didn't really surprise Clarke considering the fact that the queen herself frequented the place. Clarke and Yana were given a shared room, and both girls immediately crawled into their beds for a nap. Clarke expected to toss and turn, but the mattress was soft and comfortable, and she was asleep almost immediately.

.

She was standing with Bellamy near the gates of Camp Jaha. She could see her mother inside, on a stretcher, being tended to by Jackson and the other medics. She was watching her mother closely, trying to memorise every line and curve of her face- trying to remember Abby like this… just safe here, not knowing that her daughter was leaving her behind- again.

Bellamy didn't know yet either. He had only just come to stand next to her. Telling Monty had been easy, but telling Bellamy… that was what she dreaded most. She felt the cold air on her face and neck, and for a moment she just stood next to him, savouring this moment- the two of them together, standing close, victorious and broken. Maybe for the last time.

He offered her a drink- why hadn't she just taken it- his invitation? Why hadn't she just gone inside those gates and sat down with him? They could have taken it day by day, got through it together, like he wanted.

She tried to go inside, tried to stop herself from telling him goodbye, but it was like she was trapped in her own body, forced to go through the motions of something she no longer believed in.

He promised her forgiveness, and she saw the rawness of the look he gave her, the ragged hope that she would just accept it, come inside with him, and start the rest of their lives together. Only she couldn't do it. Once, she had said those same words to him, and it had been enough. He had accepted her forgiveness then, but when he said those words back to her now, she couldn't do the same. Her self-loathing was so much bigger than his mercy.

All she could do was walk away, into the trees, with nothing but a handgun, an excuse, and her own cowardice. Of all the horrible things she had done, it was ironic that the one thing she did out of guilt rather than desperation- leaving Bellamy behind- felt the most wrong.

.

Clarke's eyes snapped open and she drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. What had that dream meant? Other than to torture her, what was the point of going over that moment again, of having to rehash it with no hope of being able to change anything? If she couldn't make things right even in her own mind, how was she going to make things right when she saw him again?

She rolled over and saw that Yana's bed was empty next to hers. She pushed her blankets back and stood up, and that's when she noticed a flash and realised there was a small mirror set into the wall.

Creeping slowly towards it, Clarke was holding her breath, and her eyes were on the floor until she reached it. She put one hand on either side of the mirror, letting out her breath and then pulling it in again. Slowly she raised her eyes and saw herself-

-intricate braids woven across her head, lines of colour accentuating her eyes in a powerful way, and a hard, determined glint in her eyes that she couldn't remember ever seeing on the Ark.

Clarke stared into her own gaze for what felt like forever, but even after all that time, she was still no closer to recognising who she'd become.