Chapter Fifty-Two
Numbness and Misery
The first thing I think of is the first time I was on a broom.
I felt nauseous from the height, ridiculously so, and so dizzy. I hated being so high up, and yet I was too terrified to even attempt going down. But I did, and I fell, and James caught me. My Dad did eventually teach me to ride a broom, fairly well, but I never forgot that horrible weightless, sick, no-feet-on-the-ground feeling.
I feel like that now. Sick and scared and my head is pounding. I don't want to stay in the consuming darkness, but I'm afraid to open my eyes.
My hand twitches accidently and only then do I realise it is being gripped tightly.
"Lily? Lily are you awake?!" My eyes fly open at the sound of my boyfriend's voice and I cringe from the sudden flood of bright light. I'm in the Hospital Wing ...again.
"Caleb? What's going on? I-" I trail off at the sudden onslaught of memories in my head. I know why I'm here. I fainted. I know who else is here too. I look around the room urgently, my temple throbbing at the movement.
I can't see the unconcious professor, but I am guessing he is behind the bed with the curtains drawn.
I look to the bed my brother has occupied this last week, but find it empty. I forgot he was getting out this morning, with all the chaos.
Caleb smooths my hair down and kisses me softly, seeing the panic in my eyes.
"He's doing ... okay, all things considered." He whispers into my ear. I know it's so that Madame Pomphrey doesn't hear. "Scorpius and Roxie were still here when I brought you up. They were spinning her some crap about going her going to class for help, finding him like that and calling for help. Malfoy - always the flipping hero. I think they told Fred to go to the dorms before they got here - beaten up teacher plus beaten up Fred equals suspicious."
I laugh even though I don't feel like laughing. He continues.
"Madame Pomphrey said you were fine. She said that when you woke up you could leave, but you can skip class for the day. You want to go?" He asks, still holding my hand. I don't feel like getting up, but then again I don't feel like staying here while Professor Fidenchi is here. I don't feel like doing anything.
I nod weakly and Caleb helps me up, even though I insist I'm fine. He keeps his arm around my waist even after it's clear I'm not going to collapse again. I lean into him and revel again in the fact that he is my boyfriend.
When we are out in the corridor he turns to me.
"My dorm? Or the Common Room?" He asks softly. I feel like I'm being babied, but to be honest I don't care, because it's Caleb. I don't think I could stand being around anyone else.
"No." I shake my head. He looks at me, confused. I think he's contemplating taking me back in to Madame Pomphrey. I tug on his hand and pull him after me. We go to the Room of Requirement.
I pace in front of the tapestry, thinking, I want to be alone with Caleb, but no door reveals itself. I try again thinking, I need a place to relax and forget, but again nothing else happens. I sigh.
"What is it Brown-eyes?" He asks me, in that gorgeous deep voice of his. And for some stupid reason - Even I don't know why - I burst into tears. Caleb looks startled.
"Hey, Hey - oh Lily, don't cry. Oh Brown-eyes. Shh. It's okay, It's okay. We can come back la-" He pulls me to his chest and whispers comfortingly into my hair.
"It-it's not the r-room." I sob. "I- I don't kn-know what it is." I feel, for a moment, that if it weren't for Caleb holding me together I would break into little tiny Lily-pieces.
"It's okay." He repeats. And he pulls out his wand and conjures me a tissue.
Somehow I manage to pull myself together long enough for us to walk back to the Gryffindor Common Room. And when we curl up on mhy armchair I no longer feel like crying.
We sit in silence. And I want to tell Caleb I love him. Desperately. But I don't think he'd believe me, he'd think it was just because of my emotional state. He wouldn't understand. And worse - there is the overwhelming fear that he wouldn't feel the same, and then who would hold me together?
In order to take my thoughts away from that horrible path, I try to wrap my head around what happened this afternoon.
My cousin, my wonderful, witty, wacky cousin -who is the last person I would expect to get into a fight- beat a man unconcious. He seriously injured a teacher! And when I looked at him I couldn't see him anymore. That was traumatising.
I am suddenly aware that Freddie is in his dorm, just up the stairs. I stand.
Caleb asks me a question, but it doesn't register. I am determined. I have to find out why everything is changing, everyone. I have to talk to Freddie, make him see sense. I hold out my hand as if to ask Caleb to stay there, and he does.
I take my first hesitant step towards the stairs and after that I run.
I open the door, and I see him sitting there on his bed. Cross-legged, staring into space, just as emotionless as he was earlier. In his hand is a picture of him, Roxie and their parents, taken a couple of years ago by the looks of it. His hands are shaking, but the rest of him is as cool and collected as ever. It makes me angry.
"Lily." He says when he sees me. But he looks neither surprised or interested in my sudden appearance.
"Why did you do it? Why? I don't- I don't understand. How could you do it?" I shriek. He flinches at my volume but not my words. He shrugs, seemingly calm but I notice his eyes tighten.
"How could I not?" His question confuses me.
"What?" I ask, not lowering my volume. I don't think I've been this loud in my life.
"I had to." He shrugs again. I feel my hands begin to shake, angry tears well up in my eyes.
"You had to?! No. No, you didn't. You were supposed to leave it alone! What about your future Freddie? You could be expelled!" I tell him, stepping closer.
"I have the shop with Dad, I don't need exams." He mutters, still not meeting my furious glare.
This isn't my cousin. If it was, he would shout back, feel guilty, do something. I need to get him to see. I need to make him react.
"You can't work in the shop from Askaban, Fred! What if you had killed him, huh?" I notice a tiny wince. Not much, but something. Time to bring out the big guns. "What about Roxie!?"
At his twin's name, his brown eyes snap to meet mine. Anger burns like fire behind them.
"What about Roxie?! I did this for Roxie! H-he-" He screams. But I cut him off.
"He made a mistake! She was dealing with it, Freddie. She needed you to be there for her ... not to get yourself arrested!"
"He should be arrested!" He insists. I don't know if it's wishful thinking, but he looks like he's trying to convince himself more than me. Maybe it's just my imagination.
"Yeah. Probably. But Roxie really didn't need you to play the vigilante! That was up to her." I tell him, lowering my volume now. Normal volume again. I'm calming down, now that he's at least acting like a person again. He stands, towering over me.
"You saw her, Lily! She was different. Her stutter was back, she was barely talking to me. She needed him gone." He spits. I raise my head and glare back at him. No longer playing the mousey little girl.
"She needed you. And you ... weren't you." I tell him. I watch him transform in front of my eyes. From an angry man to remorsful boy. His eyes well up and he sits back down on the edge of his bed. He wrings his hands.
"She- she said she wouldn't forgive me. Screamed it really, while I was ... But I couldn't stop Lily. If he was a teenage boy maybe, but he's our teacher. She was at these ... classes or whatever and he was her teacher. And he took advantage. It's wrong ... right?" He looks up at me and I watch a silver tear escape, sliding down his cheek. I sit down beside him and put my arms around him, laying my head on his shoulder in a gesture meant to be comforting. It feels a bit silly, since he's so much bigger and older than me.
"Yeah. It is." I refrain from telling him what he did was wrong too. He knows that. "She'll forgive you." I whisper. He shakes his head. Or so I think. It takes a minute until I realise that his whole body was shaking with silent sobs.
"What do I do, Lil? Tell me what to do!" I pat his back.
"Shh. You talk to Roxie. Then you- the two of you -do what's right." I whisper. This feels like the worse advice I've ever given.