Chapter 22: "Cross (out) my Heart and (really) hope to Die"

When the boys got back to Mathias' house, his mother was outside opening her car door. She did a double take when she saw both of them. "What are you doing, sweetie? Hello, Lukas!" Lukas waved awkwardly. "Honey, I've got to go to work. I'll be back later tonight. Is that okay? Do you need anything?" She stepped into the car and started it. Mathias came up to the window and said, "Lukas is going to stay the night, mom. Is that cool?"

She contemplated it for a minute. It was definitely different having him over now, and she was a lot more hesitant, but she nodded anyways. "Yes, yes. Be good!" With that, she left for work. They both went inside. Mathias set his things down quickly and turned to Lukas. "What will make you feel happy?"

Lukas stared at him and just shrugged. "Nothing," he replied. Mathias sighed and shook his head, then went into the kitchen and opened his laptop. Lukas watched as he typed, clicked, and started digging out things from the cabinets. Lukas sat on one of the stools and watched, confused. Mathias pulled out a large jar of flour and a few sticks of butter. "What are you making?" He asked, not being able to contain his curiosity.

"Butter cookies."

He crossed his arms and squinted. "How'd you know I-"

"Your mom told me."

Lukas raised an eyebrow and shrugged. He watched Mathias stir all of the ingredients together, happy to be watching someone bake the cookies for him instead of doing it himself. Once the dough was finished, Mathias pushed him the bowl and set down a cookie sheet. "Go ahead," he insisted, crossing his arms. Lukas reached for a spoon and dropped lumps of cookie dough onto the sheet. It made him feel a lot better and he was so much more relaxed when he was concentrated on something.

"Mathias?"

He looked up hopefully. "Yeah?"

Lukas smiled very faintly and sprinkled some flour into the others hair. "The kitchen is a mess now."

Mathias smirked and tried to get the flour out, but it just came in puffs. "Yeah, yeah. Just finish up that cookie sheet, okay?"

Lukas went to slide the sheet into the oven, but started laughing suddenly. "Mathias, you have to turn the oven on." Mathias blushed and turned the oven on, mumbling under his breath while doing so. "Okay, it's on." Lukas just shook his head.

"The oven has to heat up now."

Mathias scoffed, rolled his eyes, and pushed himself up onto the counter. "I knew that!" The defensive tone in his voice was just as good as saying he didn't know that at all. But Lukas liked that Mathias wasn't the best at baking. He liked being able to have a skill that he didn't have. It made him feel like he had more of a purpose. He smiled as he slid the cookies into the oven. "That'll be twenty minutes," he said, setting the timer.

"So what now?"

Lukas' smiled faded as he remembered his situation again. He plopped back down on the stool and tapped his fingers quietly. He didn't know "what now". He was more curious to see "what later". This would have been such a good day if he wasn't moving. He wouldn't have been sulking now, he would have been smiling, probably doing something wonderful with Mathias, but distracting himself was nearly impossible. There was no way to pretend he wasn't moving, no way to pretend that he wasn't going to be far away in less than a month.

"Lukas, you gotta stop. You need to enjoy your time."

He was right. He was so right. But it wasn't his choice. He wanted to be happy, but it was too hard now. He felt a small tear slide down the side of his nose and didn't even bother with brushing it away. Mathias sighed and kissed his cheek. "Please smile."

He looked down a little more, but Mathias was relentless. He kissed his cheek over and over again, making each one louder until finally he just kept his lips there and was making the same silly kissing noise over and over. As stupid as Mathias felt, Lukas giggled and that was worth feeling stupid.

His smile soon faded, though, and he said, "I'm scared."

Mathias frowned and said, "Of?"

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Asking that was like opening a Pandora's box of tears and any amount of apathy Lukas had vanished as he started to cry again. "I'm afraid you'll meet someone better and cooler and you'll forget all about me!" His voice was trembling and there was that awful feeling in Mathias' chest. "You'll start loving them and you'll hate me and I'll be in America with no friends! And people will be mean to me and you won't be there!" It was getting so bad that Lukas couldn't even talk anymore and he buried his face into his arms for a minute before coming back up.

"Lukas, I-"

"I don't want you to love someone else!" He brushed his hair out of his face, though a few pieces that were slick from his tears stayed on his cheeks. "L-Like a pretty girl and you won't love me anymore."

Each word stung so much. He wouldn't dream of hurting Lukas like that. He hugged him and kissed his head as many times as he could before he finally had to reply.

"Lukas," he paused when he felt a tear sliding down his own cheek. He blinked the rest back and said, "I love you a lot. A lot. Like, an insane amount. I will never ever do that to you. Plus, there is no girl that looks better than you. Girls all look ugly compared to you. I will never forget you, either. I will be a hundred years old, sitting in my rocking chair, and yelling at kids and I'll be thinking about you the whole time."

Lukas let out a weak laugh and hugged him tighter. "I don't want you to be old and thinking about me. I want to stay with you. I want to be in a rocking chair with you and we can yell at kids together." Mathias laughed and kissed his head again. He wanted that, too. He looked into Lukas' eyes and he was still crying. How could one person even produce so many tears?

"Lukas, I promise I'll see you again after you go. We can live to be a hundred together and we can yell at kids all we want."

Lukas didn't believe it. There was still no guarantee. He pouted and looked up. "You could just be saying that," he said grouchily. Mathias shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, could be," he began, "But I'm not." Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Hey, Lukas! We could get married, right? I mean, everyone else gets married. So technically, we could get married, right?"

Lukas' eyes lit up at the idea and he nodded. "Yes. I think so?"

Mathias let go of him and thought for a second. "So, I mean," he got down on one knee and looked up at Lukas, who watched him with large eyes. "I'd really like to marry you. So you'll go to America, but we can meet up sometime and I'll marry you, then you can live with me and you'll never have to do anything you don't want to ever again."

Lukas beamed as he looked down at him on his knee. "But do I have to wear a dress at the wedding?"

Mathias smirked and shook his head. "Nah. You could just wear a suit, I bet. A white suit! That'd be really cool. And we could get a really cool house and just stay there." Lukas nodded and hopped off the stool eagerly. "What about a ring, Mathias?"

He hadn't thought about that. He ran upstairs really quick and grabbed a watch from his drawer, then ran back downstairs and resumed his position on his knee. "Okay, so I don't have a ring. But I have this watch my grandpa gave me. It's close enough, right?"

Lukas smiled and nodded. He extended his hand and watched as Mathias clipped it onto his wrist. It was a little big, but it didn't slide off and looking at it made both of them feel proud. "Do I give you something?" Lukas asked. Mathias hadn't thought about that. "I think so! Maybe."

Lukas reached up and pulled the clip out of his hair. "Here," he said, clipping it into Mathias' hair. "I have two more just like it." Mathias brought a hand up to touch the hair clip. It meant a lot to Lukas, he was sure of it. He wore it in his hair every single day. "Thank you, Lukas," he said. "So we're engaged now, right?"

"Yes. I think so. But Mathias, now we really have to get married. That's a rule."

Mathias rolled his eyes. "Yeah, of course. I'll marry you if it's the last thing I do."

Lukas smiled as he continued to look down at him. "Cross your heart?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die," he said, dragging his fingers over his chest. He stood and pulled Lukas in closer, then gave him a loving kiss. "That seals the deal," he said with a grin. Lukas couldn't help but to smile. The idea of marrying Mathias made him feel lighter than air and suddenly, he wasn't so afraid.

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