He stares at me for what feels like an eternity.
"But… why would that frighten you?" he asks, confusion and insecurity in his voice.
I take a deep breath and let the deluge burst forth.
"Because you're going to get better, and you won't need me anymore. You won't feel the need to have me around, and you'll move on. I'd never resent you for that. But I won't.
"I'll always need you, need to know where you are and if you're safe and I'll need you when I'm frightened and I can't sleep because I miss our mattress even though it sucked. When I'm freaking out over nothing and screaming in the corner because I'm completely fucked up. I'll need to be the one who knows you better than anyone else, the one you can trust even though we can't trust anyone anymore, the only person who can kiss you better when you're angry and nothing else will help. "
I'm speaking at a ridiculous speed, pulling my fingers through my hair and wringing my hands together.
"I need you, but I'm sucking you dry, Edward. I lean on you, and take so much from you, and the idea of you leaving scares me to death. I just want you to stay here, in this room with me, forever! What kind of person does that make me?"
He slowly raises his hands, wrapping his fingers around my wrists and forcing me to settle.
"Bella," he states lowly and I hesitantly meet his eyes. I've probably scared him off for good, now that my insanity has come to light.
"I don't think you understand that I fucking need you too. I need to sleep with you beside me so I'm sure you're safe, I need you around to diffuse the constant paranoia with your smile and your smell that is so lovely but I can't figure out and your tiny little hands in mine. I need you to talk about the shitty mattress and make crappy jokes because it's the only thing that can distract me from whatever the fuck being taken has brought out in me.
"You think that you're taking things from me? You're wrong. Everything I give you, you give me straight back. You offered yourself up to them so that they wouldn't hurt me, even though you knew it would piss me off. You washed blood off my face, you ate that fucking burger in the hospital because my mom looked sad, you moved into my house so we could sleep at night!"
"My jokes are not crappy," I pout. He bursts into laughter, his body shaking with the force of it. I giggle, just happy to see him looking so happy. Eventually, he calms himself and continues.
"You do know me better than anyone else. I do trust you more than I could ever trust anyone else. And believe me when I say that you are the only person I want kissing me when I'm acting like a fucking serial killer, even though you're the only one who ever would. You're the only one I want kissing me at all, to be perfectly honest."
My eyes drop to the comforter and my heart lurches in a strange way when he says that. He squeezes my hands gently and I look at him, although I can feel my cheeks reddening.
"It's not about getting better and leaving you, Bella. That couldn't be further from the truth. It's about us moving on with our lives together. I want to get better for you, not despite you. I don't want you to have to worry about my outbursts or to feel obligated to hang around in case I lose my shit over nothing.
"I just want to be normal, so we can be happy and not so fucking frightened all the time."
My heart swells like a balloon in my chest when he says exactly what I'd been feeling about the whole therapy situation. All I want, more than anything in the world, is to get better and stop being a burden to him. And now that I know that he's not going to up and leave me the first chance he gets, I feel infinitely better.
"Alright, let's do it."
"Are you sure?" he presses.
"Yep."
"Because if you don't want to, I'll tell my parents to fuck off. They'll get over it, and I don't want you doing anything you're not ready for." He's eying me suspiciously, but I smile.
"Edward, I want to do this."
His eyes narrow, but after a moment, he nods, and we wander downstairs to tell his parents that we're willing to give it a try.
Needless to say, Carlisle is thrilled with our decision, and readily accepts our terms. He hurries to his office to start looking into therapists for us, while Esme hugs us both and gushes about how proud she is and how mature we're being. Their happiness feels slightly over the top, and I wonder just how much they thought we were going to fight them on this.
After Esme is finishing rejoicing, her face becomes slightly more sombre.
"Listen, you two…" Her face is nervous, and that makes me nervous.
"Esme -" I try to stall, but she cuts me off with a raised hand.
"Are you together?"
"No," I answer immediately. She casts her eyes to her son.
"We're not together," he says quietly.
"Alright, good. That makes me feel better."
She sighs deeply and continues.
"I understand that you two are under a lot of… stress, what with coming home and everything y'all have been through that I can't even begin to wrap my head around. I understand that, truly I do."
I'm shocked by how laid back she's being about this. I chance a look at Edward, and his expression makes me think he's also surprised.
"However, if you kids have gotten together in all this mess, I expect you to tell me, because I won't have you sneaking around when Charlie Swan has trusted me to keep his baby safe… and not pregnant. Do you understand?"
We both look at the floor, nodding weakly.
"Edward, do you understand me?"
"Yes, mom," Edward groans, clearly just as mortified as I am.
"Good," she nods with a gigantic smile, "because I take that job very seriously. Now, scat! I have to clean up around here," she waves her hand around the near spotless room, "and then I'm heading out for the day. We're organising a carnival for the children's hospital, won't that be fun? Hurry up and get out of here before you start to get on my nerves!"
We wander back up the stairs, and Edward leads the way to his room and flops down onto his bed. I follow, but sit in a more ladylike position.
"You're sure about all of this?" he asks yet again.
"Yes, Edward, I'm sure." I roll my eyes and he frowns.
"Because if you don't want to -"
"Shut up," I cut him off and lean down on the bed beside him. My hand falls to the mattress and bumps his, so he grabs hold of it. I lie there, trying hard to not think about how close he is to me, and how much closer he could be with a couple of tiny manoeuvres on my part. He scratches his stomach, his shirt rising and my eyes immediately follow the movement.
He gently rolls us onto our sides, so one of his arms is under my head and the other over my waist. I push my body into his as tightly as I can, my legs tangling into his and my hands pressed to his chest, gripping his t-shirt. Our foreheads are touching, our breath shared, and still, I want more. We continue to kiss intermittently, the gaps filled with an easy silence that comes so naturally to us.
"You are so beautiful," he says lowly, and I look down, trying in vain not to blush. I meet his eyes and he's smirking at my pique. I narrow my eyes and he leans in, kissing me until I've forgotten what I'm angry about… or where I am.
He releases my lips and reaches out to pry one of my hands from his shirt. He rests our linked hands between us, casually playing with my fingers as he holds my eyes.
"What happens now?" he asks quietly.
"Can't we just stay here forever?" I ask, completely serious. He laughs, and the sound is so lovely.
"Of course we can," he says, his voice joking. "I just meant… what do you want from me, Bella?"
"Everything," I reply immediately, before I realise what I've said. I close my eyes as embarrassment consumes me.
"Oh my god," I whisper, "I'm such a nutcase."
He laughs, and my eyes open in a glare. He presses his lips together to try and stop himself. I shove at his shoulder and he rolls onto his back, his smile huge. From a sidelong angle, he looks so appealing that my hand drifts out and I trace his jaw, marvelling to myself.
"I'm not laughing at you Bella," he says, "I'm laughing because you said exactly what I'm thinking. I want everything, too."
"Oh." I'm a little lost for words at his revelation, because I can't understand how he could possibly want from me what I want from him. Then something occurs to me and I blanche.
"Does this mean we have to tell your mom?" I ask, a little frightened at the thought.
"Not yet," he assures me. "I don't see the point right now… let's just see what happens and then figure it out later."
I relax, because the idea of telling Esme something like that horrifies me. He turns his head to rest his ear against the mattress, meaning that our eyes meet again. His hand, which is resting under my head, combs through my hair gently. I feel so serene that I could just melt into the comforter and not even realise. My eyes drift closed and I smile when I feel his mouth gently brush mine. I open my eyes back up to see him only inches from my face, gazing at me intently.
"What are you looking at?" I ask.
"What do you think?" he snarks, and I laugh almost silently.
"Stop staring at me, perv," I chide, no venom in my words whatsoever.
"I can't help it if I enjoy the view."
I roll my eyes, and try really hard not to show him that as lame as he is, he makes my heart melt a little bit. More than a little bit, if I'm being completely honest.
"I've changed my mind," I tell him seriously, and his eyes widen with curiosity.
"What about?" he asks, his voice a little hesitant.
"I want everything except your bad jokes and tacky compliments."
He snorts and I smirk, because I know I had him worried for a second.
"Shut up, Bella," he says and uses the hand resting under my head to pull me towards him.
I call Alice later that evening. She tells me she doesn't want to talk over the phone, and that she's on her way over, so I make an effort to make myself presentable because I know that if I don't do it, she'll take it upon herself to do it for me. I find it strange that I used to enjoy putting outfits together, doing my eyeliner just so, and now, it's unbearably taxing. Frivolous.
I hear the doorbell ring, do my final check then head down the stairs. By the time I get there, Esme has already greeted Alice, and apparently, she's staying for dinner. The two seem fast friends which, while not entirely surprising, makes me a little uneasy. There's no telling what they can accomplish with joined forces.
Alice and I head outside to enjoy the balmy evening, Esme dashing out with iced tea the moment we sit down then darting inside.
"So, are you feeling better today?" she asks.
"Yeah…" I look away. "I'm… I acted like an asshole at the party, and I'm sorry."
"Bella, it's cool. In hindsight, that was a really bad idea, and I'm sorry we talked you into it. We thought we were doing the right thing, you know? Obviously, we were wrong."
As much as I agree with her, I don't say anything because it would be rude, and I've treated her poorly enough of late.
"Well, did you at least have some fun on Friday?" I ask, hoping that at least some minute good came from the horrible event.
"Well," she says excitedly, leaning towards me. "I met Edward's older brother, Jasper. Holy shit, is that boy hot. The southern thing? Raow." She makes a claw out of her hand, smirking as though she has an agenda.
"Alice… he's 22," I inform her, expecting her face to fall. She doesn't react at all.
"I know," she responds casually.
"And you're 17… which means he'd go to jail if you hooked up."
"I wouldn't tell anyone," she says impishly with a wink. I'm torn between grimacing and giving her a high five. Alice always gets what she wants, and I start to suspect that Jasper may be the reason that she came over tonight.
"Is that why you came over, Alice?" I ask, and she stares innocently at me. Too innocently.
"Of course not. I came here to see my best friend. If I can log some face time with Colonel Fuck-Me in the interim, so be it. God, what do you think of me, Bella?" She presses her hand to her chest, feigning offence. I roll my eyes but laugh anyway.
Dinner is served and we take our places, Alice by my side, which puts her directly opposite the object of her affection. She surprises me by completely avoiding her normal, somewhat forward methods of getting boys' attention. It's hilarious to watch, and I'm fighting back laughter for most of the meal. For some reason, allowing myself to become immersed in her crazy scheme makes me happy in a lighthearted way that is usually reserved for my time alone with Edward. I resolve to spend more time with my best friend, because I really have missed her.
She is unfailingly polite to Esme and Carlisle, makes a concerted effort to get to know Edward and Emmett, but when it comes to Jasper, she is barely even civil. She seems to be purposely bringing things up that he's interested in, but refuses to engage him in conversation about them. When she does, she's polite, but detached, giving an air of unmistakable boredom.
Stranger still, it seems to be working. Jasper, who is the personifiation of cool and detached, is striving for her attention, particularly when she mentions the civil war, the topic of Jasper's major. Apparently, her father has some collection of artefacts, something I never knew until this very moment. She's unfailingly casual about the whole thing, despite Jasper's enthusiasm. She speaks with ease about specific items and their significance, and he is completely beguiled.
I'm so enthralled by her display that when Edward reaches for my hand under the table, I jump slightly.
"What the hell is she doing?" he asks quietly in my ear, and I snicker.
"She wants Jasper."
"Really? It doesn't seem like it," he notes. I nod minutely.
"I know, but she's clever. You just wait, he doesn't stand a chance."
He nods and leans away, then abruptly, his mouth is at my ear again.
"Isn't she jailbait?" he asks, worried this time.
"Only until July."
"Can't she wait til then?" he murmurs, obviously concerned about his brother.
"At this point, I think she's just laying groundwork," I inform him, and he sits back in his chair, looking a bit distressed. I'm trying as hard as possible not to burst out laughing at the table. I direct my attention back to the family's conversation.
"Alice," Jasper says in his inherited drawl, "that sounds fascinating. Do you think I could maybe come over and get a look sometime?"
She looks at him, polite indifference on her face and nothing else, although she pinches my knee under the table. Apparently, this is a victory.
"Oh," she says hesitantly with a shrug. "I guess you can. I'd have to talk to my dad, he's weirdly protective of all his crap."
"With good reason!" Jasper rebutts, looking a little offended at her lack of enthusiasm. I wonder how she even figured out that he was into this stuff, but I've learned never to underestimate my best friend.
"Maybe you two should get together without me, have a man date or something and talk about it all," she teases, and he looks embarrassed at revealing his nerdy tendencies. This surprises me, and I start to think her tactic is working.
"So, Emmett," she changes her focus, "are you ready to get schooled at guitar hero?"
Emmett scoffs.
"Lady, you have no idea what you're dealing with," he says cockily. "I basically wrote the book on guitar hero."
"Keep talking kid, it'll just be more embarrassing when I own you," she retorts.
"I'll play winners," Jasper offers, and Alice nods absently, not even looking at him as she stares Emmett down. Now that he understands what's going on, Edward laughs a little under his breath, which only makes it harder for me to maintain a casual expression. I quickly stand and start stacking plates to take to the kitchen before my giggles attract any questions.
"Bella, you stop that right this minute," Esme chides from her seat. "Carlisle and I will handle this while y'all go and 'school'," she air quotes, "each other. It's fine. Just remember, it's a school night."
"Don't worry," Alice says ominously, "this won't take long."
We all thank her for dinner and retire to the living room for the contest. I settle into Edward's lap and watch as Alice schools both of his brothers, as promised. Jasper is mortified, and says something about Call of Duty being his game of choice anyway, so Alice offers to play him in that. She wins again. Edward and I are flabbergasted.
"How is she doing this?" he murmurs in my ear. His fingertips are fiddling with my hair, twisting the longest strands on my back and he's holding one of my hands in my lap.
"Honestly, I have no clue," I admit because I had no idea she was even remotely capable of this. She doesn't even look like she's trying. His face falls into the crook of my neck.
"As amusing as it is to see my brothers get pummelled, do you want to head upstairs soon?"
"Sure thing," I say with a quiet giggle, and feel his teeth nip softly at my shoulder. I yelp quietly, but it catches Alice's attention and she gives me an unamused look. Edward is chuckling lowly against me, and I elbow him in the ribs.
"Douchebag," I growl, and he just laughs harder, his body shaking slightly under mine. Emmett flops down on the couch beside us.
"What are you two laughing at?" he asks, kicking his feet up over the arm of the lounge.
"Jasper," I respond, hoping he believes it.
"Yeah," Emmett chuckles, "he's getting the shit kicked out of him, huh?"
"Hey!" Jasper cries, "it's not my fault. This friend of yours is evil, Bella." His tone is teasing and Alice smiles innocently before her character runs up and stabs Jasper's.
"You don't know the half of it," she says with a wink.
AN: A little lovin' and some fluff for you guys before we get serious again. Because as much as I enjoy toying with you, I don't want to be responsible for angst-induced suffering... all the time. ;)