"What the fuck is going on?" Edward persists, his voice getting increasingly frantic. "Bella? Are you ok?"

I won't look at him.

I hear the sound of feet on gravel, coming towards me and I cower as close to Jasper, my unlikely protector, as possible.

"Back the fuck up." The venom in Alice's voice jars me, because I'd never heard it before. She thinks cursing is only necessary for those who aren't articulate to properly express themselves.

"Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is going on right now?"

Edward is furious... he must be angry with me, with my weakness, that's why he left. I don't have the energy to face his anger right now, so I act like the coward I am and hide my face in Jasper's chest.

I hear a muted thudding sound that makes me think that Alice has just poked Edward in the chest.

"I'll tell you what happened." Poke. "You," poke, "are an asshole, so I'm going to step up and do what you're obviously incapable of and make sure she's ok." Poke. "Go brood and be a prick on your own time, because my best friend needs me right now. Jasper, put her in the car."

He sets me down, and I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the dashboard once I'm seated.

"Bella," Edward says, his voice oddly pleading. I look up slowly to see him standing next to the car, leaning his head in the window. He's so close to me, but instead of the normal comfort, I feel nothing.

It's absolutely terrifying.

"Leave it alone man," Jasper hedges, and puts his hand on his younger brother's shoulder. Edward shakes it off without a glance.

"Bella, what are you doing? What the fuck is going on?"

"I have to go now," I murmur, my voice flat even to my own ears.

"That's all I needed to hear," Alice states and puts the car in reverse, stepping on the gas. I watch lifelessly as Edward stands there, until Alice turns the car and starts down the driveway, putting him out of my view.

"What would you like to do this afternoon?" Alice asks gently when we're a few miles away from Edward's house.

"Sleep."

This whole experience has been completely exhausting.

"Sure, we can have a nap if you like," she agrees. I drag myself up the stairs of the house I know so well, stumble into the guest room and yank all the sheets off the bed. I need the familiarity, something that isn't strange and scary and too much to deal with because I'm genuinely worried I'm going to break.

"What are you doing?" Alice asks.

She doesn't understand.

"I just... it's better this way," I tell her before I curl up on the bare mattress. She smiles sadly, pulls the blinds closed and then leaves the room.

Alone at last.

When I finally wake, my body feels lethargic. My stomach is empty and feels sick, my eyes feel heavy and my limbs move slowly and woodenly. I force myself into the shower, hoping it will help, but find myself unable to stand for the required time. When Alice enters the bathroom, I'm sitting under the warm spray, hair soaking wet and my arms hanging limply by my sides. I'm naked in her presence, but I can't bring myself to care.

"Sweetie, you've been in here for a while, I think it's time to get out."

Her voice is so genuine and loving, and it makes me feel a little sick.

"Yeah, ok," I respond because I feel like I have to. She helps me move my tired, naked body out of the shower and I dry myself, pulling on the shorts and t-shirt she's laid out for me. I eat half of the meal she's prepared me, and avoid the questioning glances from her nosy mother who keeps entering the room as if she's waiting for me to do something crazy.

I move about in a haze, just wishing I could wake up.

"Bella, you're starting to freak me out here," Alice admits from her place beside me on the couch. "I know for a fact that you hate Scrubs, but we've watched two and a half episodes and you've said nothing. Talk to me, I'm begging you."

"Zach Braff is pretentious and unfunny," I murmur reflexively. "Then again, that seems to be the theme of this show, so maybe that's what he's going for."

She laughs a little at my familiar words.

"There's my girl."

"I should probably go back to the Cullens' at some point," I say to no one in particular.

"You know you're welcome here as long as you like, but I'm happy to take you back whenever you want to go. Esme and Charlie know where you are, so you don't have to worry about that. It's up to you."

"... Tomorrow."

Three days later, I finally return to the Cullen house. And only because it's Edward's birthday and I know Esme has been planning a family dinner for us all. I can't bear to disappoint her.

Alice walks me back into the house, where Jasper is waiting to take my bag. I suspect they've been liasing the entire time I've been away. I'd hoped that getting some distance, being away from him would have helped me gain some perspective, cleared things in one direction or another, but in truth, it hadn't at all. I'd existed in what felt like a thick haze, feeling lethargic and disconnected from my surroundings.

I resent him so much for making me feel this way. I miss him so much I can barely breathe.

It's a frustrating combination.

When our little procession reaches my bedroom, I hug Alice goodbye, nodding when she instructs me to call her or tell Jasper if I need anything and then lock my bedroom door. I also lock the door on Edward's side of our bathroom, knowing from past experience that people will try to get in that way if denied access from the main entry.

Normally, I can deal very well with prolonged periods of silence, but sitting on my bed now, every single sound scares me, makes me wonder if it's him moving around the house. I put my ipod earphones in and set it to something soothing but not too intense, nothing I have to focus on, and allow myself to settle back into the haze that has clouded my mind for the previous few days.

My phone goes off and I reach for it instinctively, assuming it's Alice. I don't want to worry her even more than I already have by not responding to her messages.

Hey B, it's Jasper. How do you feel about unlocking your door and coming down? Dinner's ready if you're up to it. - J

I try not to vomit and gather myself together, slowly making my way down the stairs to the dining room. I'm terrified of how he's going to respond to me, and even more frightened of how I'm going to respond to him. I'm confused on a fundamental level, because never before have I questioned anything he's done for me.

But when he left me there at the table, it started something that I'm now unable to completely force back down.

Doubt.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, he's waiting for me. I feel a little ambushed, and take a reflexive step backwards. He's staring at me, as if examining me for changes. I wonder if he can see them, even though there's nothing on the outside that would give them away.

I feel the relief that his presence brings warring with the new, burgeoning distrust that's been plaguing me. I can almost feel them struggling against one another, and it makes me slightly nauseous.

Suddenly, he's coming towards me. His arms wrap around my body, yanking me off the floor as he buries his face in my shoulder.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he murmurs, inhaling deeply. "I'm a fucking asshole and I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, I've missed you so fucking much, Bella."

I let him hold me, tentatively sliding my arms around his neck. Instead of crushing relief, the bubble I know and crave, I feel... confused, like it's tainted somehow. He sets me down and takes my face in his hands, and then hesitates.

"Happy birthday, Edward," I say quietly. He smiles and I feel my lips twitch up without a conscious command to do so.

"Thanks."

His tone mirrors mine, polite and a little awkward but oddly sweet. He leans in towards me and I tense a little, but relax when his lips press to my forehead instead of my mouth. He inhales deeply, as if seeing me and touching me aren't enough to prove that I'm here. The ever-present insecurity niggles at me, somewhat subdued but not completely absent.

"Bella!" Emmett crows as he throws the kitchen door open, chewing on a green bean that hangs from his mouth as he speaks. "Where have you been all my life, dollface?"

"Hey Em," I giggle, slightly in awe of his constant happiness and wondering if he'd somehow grown even taller in the last three days. Esme follows him out the door, pulls the bean from his mouth and playfully pokes him in the cheek with it.

"What did I tell you about eating before meals?" she scolds lightly. "Come on, y'all, dinner is waiting at the table!"

We file through to the formal dining room, a room I've never used before and needless to say, is magnificent. The long table is covered in foods that I know to be Edward's favorites, and I smile at the way Esme shamelessly dotes on her boys. I didn't realise how much I've missed the family dynamic of the house until we're all seated at the table together.

I revel in the noise, the constant chit chat, and the amazing food, trying as hard as I can to make it feel as comforting and perfect as it did only a week ago. It's so, so tempting, but still... I struggle. Something has shifted, and I can't pinpoint it exactly. It terrifies me. Edward holds my hand, presumably able to sense my tension, but it offers little comfort.

"Bella, honey," Esme comments through the meal, "whatever's wrong? You look as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, and you've barely touched your food!"

Busted.

Edward looks over, scanning my face vigilantly to try and deduce what's wrong.

"Sorry," I apologise quickly, "I just missed you all."

"Awwww, aren't you just the sweetest thing," Esme coos loudly, her eyes filled with love. Carlisle rolls his eyes playfully and Emmett blows me a loud, smacking kiss, but their attention is diverted off of my antisocial behaviour. Jasper and Edward, however, don't seem as easily convinced, but I try to force down some more food and attempt to involve myself in menial conversation to appease them. Or at least dull their suspicions slightly.

The whole time I'm doing it, I can tell that I'm failing.

Edward's hand comes to rest on my bare knee while we watch Esme cutting the ridiculously extravagent cake she'd likely spent the entire day preparing. He squeezes, not hard, but just enough to garner my attention. I look at him and smile. I feel like there's a sourness to it, but he smiles back so hopefully he can't see.

Once dinner is done and presents are given and everyone is full and ready to retire for the evening, Edward and I head upstairs. We're holding hands, as we always are, but I'm mainly doing it because I know it would attract attention if I didn't. He guides us into his bedroom, as per the routine, but it all feels foreign anyway. It should feel right, but there's a tugging feeling in my chest urging me to get away from the place I'd come to see as my haven.

I don't want to be here, and it scares the life out of me.

I sit down in my usual place on his - our - bed, drawing my legs up to my body and wrapping my arms around myself. If Garrett could see me now, the first thing he'd comment on would be my defensive posture, but it feels so natural I make no attempt to change it.

Edward sits down on the bed beside me, his back against the headboard and his long legs crossed underneath him.

"Bella, I just... I'm so fucking sorry for the other day."

I meet his eyes, but say nothing.

"I was... I was just so fucking angry that we still have to deal with those..."

He trails off, probably because he cannot conjure a strong enough expletive to describe the men. He takes a deep breath as if to center himself, then continues.

"I went straight to see Felix and beat the shit out of something." When my eyes narrow in concern for what - or who - he was beating, he holds up his hands in defence.

"A punching bag, Bella."

"Oh." Well that's better than a person, which wouldn't have entirely surprised me.

"Then I realised that I'd just left you here and I came straight back. I wasn't thinking, I was fucking consumed by anger that we can't just move on with our lives, you know? And I'm sorry I just left you on your own, I know that was fucking unacceptable. I was losing my mind when I saw Jasper carrying you, and you wouldn't talk to me, but he explained after you left that you were upset by being left alone."

"And your solution was not to contact me for days?"

I can't help the bitter words that roll off my tongue. Honestly, he could have called every twenty minutes, but in the state I was in, I probably would not have realised.

"Bella, I was blowing up Alice's phone with calls and texts and basically wanted an update every hour on the hour." He looks a little sheepish. "She told me that you were safe, and that you needed some space, so I forced myself not to go over there, even though I really fucking wanted to."

This information does little to placate me. As much as I'm relieved that he didn't leave out of anger with me, I still feel oddly angry with him for leaving at all. We're supposed to look out for each other, deal with these things together - not run away from one another.

I'm holding up my end of a bargain that apparently means nothing to him.

He takes my hand, pulling it gently away from my body and exposing my legs to him. I feel vulnerable, something that has never happened with him, and it terrifies me. Something is shifting, and things I thought to be fundamental truths about our relationship are coming into question.

Nausea settles into my stomach, and his hands wrapping around mine do nothing to dispell it.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella. Can you forgive me?"

For the first time ever in regards to Edward, I'm not entirely sure.

AN: Shiz is about to start changing around here, and I feel like you guys deserve prior warning, because I'm pretty sure some of you are going to hate me for what's to come.

Remember: I love you all, and don't want to see you suffering, so keep in mind that I do what I do with a reason.