I spend the first ten minutes of my appointment crying while Garrett says nothing. I'd been fastidiously avoiding talking about Edward and my confrontation with everyone else, but I'd known that he would expect me to tell him about it, and the fear of the impending pain recounting it would cause was driving me into hysterics.
As I finally gather myself together and wipe the last of the tears away, Garrett speaks.
"Bella, what has you so upset?" he asks, his voice particularly smooth and reassuring. Well, theoretically reassuring - it's not helping to calm me at all.
"I wonder if you understand how truly hard it is to tell you some things," I muse, trying to divert for just a little while longer.
"Bella, I have not experienced, nor would ever claim to fully understand your mental state at present, but I do appreciate that it is hard to bare your soul to another person, especially those things that don't want to come out. That said, if we don't get them out, they fester inside us. That's why we go through the discomfort of getting them out."
I fight back an eyeroll as my discomfort gives way to annoyance - just another of my coping mechanisms. Tired of his placating and slightly condescending monolgue, I cut to the chase.
"I left Edward's place. It's been weird and hard and scary, but I did it."
"Why did you do that?" he asks casually, as if he's asking about my choice in clothes.
"What do you mean, why? Because you told me to!"
"Bella, I never instructed you to do anything, nor would I ever because that is not my place as your therapist. I simply asked you to try and evaluate your relationship with Edward. Apparently, doing so led you to this course of action, and I'd like to know why."
"I... I just thought that it would be good for us... to have some space, that is. I still care about him, so so much, but I thought about what you said."
"I say alot of things, Bella," he says with a smile.
"About wanting to be with him as opposed to feeling like I have to," I clarify. "I wanted to work out how much was want and how much was that need, so I figured leaving would be the best way to do that."
He nods.
"It's a fairly extreme course of action, and not entirely what I'd had in mind when I spoke to you about figuring out your feelings towards Edward, but if you think it's helping, then I support it. Do you think it's helping?"
"He's... he's not happy with me, but I think that it's the best way."
"Why is he unhappy?"
"He thinks I'm going to change my mind about us once I get better, and that I won't want him anymore."
"Do you think that's the case?"
"No!" I very nearly shout the word, because as much as I'd had my doubts and fears prior to leaving the Cullen house, the time I'd taken to be alone and reflect had only made me realise how much I missed him when he wasn't around. Not because I was paranoid for his safety, not because I was worried for my own safety, but because I genuinely enjoyed his company.
"You sound much more sure of that than you did the last time we spoke," Garrett notes.
I nod, because I am sure. My coming to this conclusion only bolsters my view that my leaving was the right thing.
"Have you told Edward this?"
"He won't speak to me at the moment."
That's not entirely true. I hadn't attempted to speaking to him in the five days since I'd left the house, because I figured that he needed his space and that no good would come from me trying to force anything.
"Have you tried to speak with him?" Garrett asks solicitously.
Busted.
"No." I look down when I admit this, embarrassed at being caught out on my small fib.
"Why is that?"
"I just... I think he needs space. He was angry and hurt when I told him about this, and I don't want to upset him any more than I already have."
"Understandable. Are you sure you're not hiding from him?"
I don't respond, because I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'm doing.
"I think both of you would benefit from the reassurance of having a conversation about this, especially now that you've both had a couple of days to think everything over and make sure you didn't make a rash decision. If you're confident in your feelings about Edward, tell him - it's probably something he would very much like to hear from you, and I think that settling your differences on the topic would make it easier for you both to deal with your situations as individuals and as a couple."
I sigh. He's right - I know that - but it's all very much easier said than done.
"So, how have you been coping being in your home without Edward?"
"It's... it's weird. My house is huge, and there aren't a million people in it like there used to be at Edward's place, so that took some getting used to. Having Checker around definitely helps, especially when Charlie is at work."
Garrett smiles.
"I suspected that Checker would be a good addition to your life."
"He is," I beam, unable to keep the smile off my face when I think of him.
"Bella," he starts in his soothing tone, and I immediately tense because I know that a difficult question is going to follow. "You are aware that your father knows the exact reason you were taken. I'm curious as to why you have yet to ask him about it."
"I... I don't think I want to know, to be honest."
He seems slightly surprised by my response.
"And why is that?"
"What difference does it make? Regardless of why, I'm still in this situation, and I don't see how more detail on the event will make it any more pleasant for me."
"That's... that's an interesting logic, Bella. Most people like to arm themselves with information, they see knowledge as power."
"I don't."
Knowledge breeds paranoia - ignorance is a far better option.
I know that eventually I'm going to have to come to terms with why I was taken, but that time sits somewhere in the hazy landscape of the future, and I'm quite happy with that arrangement.
"Eventually, you will have to deal with information about your abduction. I think that it might even help you to come to terms with everything."
I nod, because I know that I can't avoid it forever... that said, I feel like any more troubling information would likely break me, so I'm all for avoiding it as long as I can. I need to put myself back together before I start dealing with all the other bullshit... like the court case.
I close my eyes and force the troubling thought from my head.
"Can we talk about something else?" I ask, a little desperately.
"We don't have to talk about anything, because our time is up," Garrett states, and I shoot out of the room before he can say anything else to shatter the progress I've been making.
After my session I drive myself home, fiercing missing how Esme used to drive me back to the Cullens' after my sessions. I miss all of them... one even more than the others.
I head out back, pick up Checker and settle him on my bed as I weigh my phone in my hands. As if he can somehow tell I'm trying to pysche myself up, he crawls into my lap, snuggling down in the space between my crossed legs. His little head rests on my thigh and he looks up at me, his dark eyes shining through his golden fur.
"I love you too," I murmur, combing back the hair on his face and unable to keep the smile off my face when he nuzzles into my hand. I take some strength from the blind, unconditional love I receive from the small animal sitting on my lap, and select Edward from my contacts.
It rings seven times before he picks up.
"Hello?"
Despite the standard greeting, there's a weight in his voice which makes me sure that he knows it's me, and is less than happy to be speaking to me.
"Hey."
A long silence passes.
He sighs.
"What can I do for you, Bella?"
Another long silence.
"I just... I just wanted to call you."
"And you did."
I'm taken aback by the hostility of his words, even if his tone doesn't reflect it.
"Alright... I'll go."
He sighs again.
"No... don't hang up. What's up?"
"Nothing... I was wondering how you're doing. I miss you, Edward."
"You wouldn't have to miss me if you were still here."
I note that he doesn't return the sentiment. And that he sounds like a petulant child.
"Edward, I explained why we have to do this and I already feel like I'm making an improvement. I don't know how you're feeling," because he refuses to offer anything but deep sighs and childish comments, "but this really was the best way."
"Whatever you say, Bella."
I sigh now.
"How are you doing, Edward?"
"Fucking awful, thanks for asking."
"Look, if you're not going to talk to me, I'll just -"
"No, no. Look, it's hard, not having you around. You make me feel better, without even having to fucking do anything, you know? And I miss that. I'm not going to apologise for being a bit pissed off that you've left me. You're really really fucking important - I don't know if you realise how much - and I used to get to have you all the time. Now I get nothing."
His voice carries a hard, clinical edge, but it does nothing to disguise his pain.
"Oh, Edward."
"Don't - just don't talk like that, like I'm a puppy who's just been kicked. I'm angry, and therapy is a complete fucking joke, and I have to do it on my own. So if you called here looking for me to clear your conscience and reassure you that everything is just fucking peachy, I hope you enjoy disappointment."
As much as I know that this is just a defence mechanism for him, I can't stop the tears that start tracking down my cheeks when he treats me so harshly.
"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
He sighs.
"Yeah, I'm sure you are. Look, I have to go, I'll talk to you... later, I guess."
"Oh... ok, well -"
"Bye, Bella."
The dialtone rings in my ear.
"Bye, Edward."