Octavia

Despite passing all the dead bodies that were strewn around the camp, some of which were people she'd once known, approaching her tent was the most horrible thing about returning to Camp Jaha. The closer she got, the more her vision tunneled and the more apprehensive she felt. Finally, only a few metres from the structure, she stopped short, finding that her legs wouldn't carry her any further.

It took about two steps for Bellamy to realise that she was no longer beside him, and he quickly hurried back to her side, pulling her to his chest. She clung to him, a few silent tears escaping down her cheeks, and whispered, "I can't do it."

"Hey," he answered her, his hand coming up to gently stroke the back of her head. "Yes you can, and I'm going to be right there with you."

"Bell? When Mom died, did you go? Did you watch her get floated?" She had never asked him that question, but suddenly it seemed so urgent.

He let out a long breath and said, "He let out a long breath and said, "O... let's not talk about that, okay? It's horrible."

"I hate them," she said savagely. "I hate them so much."

"Some of the people you hate lived with us at Camp Jaha for months," he said gently. "Things change, O. Things get easier."

She remembered Lia's words, You have survived Lincoln's death for this long, and you will continue to survive it. One day, the hurt will be smaller.

Shaking her head, she pulled away from Bellamy and looked into his eyes. He looked back at her, his gaze steady, and she knew he was trying to give her strength. "You know," he said gently. "When Echo was alive, she told me that her mother used to say there was no use adding more bitterness to a drink that you're already dreading. You don't have to think about Mom now, O. Lincoln's bad enough."

"I can't help it," she said, shaking her head a little. "I can't stop thinking about everyone I care about… everyone who's dead… Mom, some of the friends I made in the Sky Box, Atom, Lincoln… they're all gone, Bell. Just gone."

"But we're not," he said, taking her hand and squeezing it tight. "We're still here, O. I'm not going to leave you."

The fear rose up in her throat and she heard her voice breaking as she said, the words tumbling from her lips, "I know Clarke is going to do her best, but what if it doesn't work? Detox wasn't exactly easy on Lincoln, and you've taken way more of that stuff than he ever did. What if you die, Bell?"

"Hey, hey, that's not going to happen," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders and forcing her to look him in the eyes. "I'm not leaving you."

"But before-"

"Before, I was being an idiot," he interrupted her protest, knowing what she was going to say before the words left her lips. "I was just scared. I'm sorry I scared you, O. I'm not going to die."

She drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "Good," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "Because if you do, you'll be leaving me with Clarke and Lia. Which would be totally awful."

"Come on," he teased gently. "I thought you and Clarke were friends now that you're getting to boss her around."

Octavia rolled her eyes. "I'm not bossing her around, I'm teaching her to fight. And yeah, it's fun. She's actually getting better every day. Once we can finally sit still, I'll make a warrior out of her- no problem."

"Good," he said with a nod. "The stronger you two are, the happier I'll be." He shared a smile with her, and then tipped his head toward the tent. "Ready?"

"No," she answered, shaking her head. "But let's do it anyway." She welcomed his arm around her as together they walked to the tent.

Inside, it was exactly as they'd left it in their hurry to leave Camp Jaha, after Lexa came with the news that Clarke had been taken. It seemed like so long ago, another time, and as she looked around at the evidence of her and Lincoln's life together, it felt as though she'd been another person, living here.

Walking to the bed, she reached down and touched the guard's uniform that he'd removed in a hurry once he found out they were leaving. "I hated this thing," she said softly. "I hated him in it- and you." But she stroked the shoulder paid gently in her fingers, suddenly feeling as though it was a precious thing.

"Yeah, well, something tells me my guard days are over," Bellamy said gently.

"I've heard that before," she reminded him wryly, making him laugh a little and shake his head. Octavia picked up Lincoln's pillow and held it to her face, inhaling deeply through her nose. The familiar scent of his skin overwhelmed her and for a second she found herself choking on sobs. Bellamy stayed close, but he didn't touch her, didn't try to interrupt her moment. She put the pillow back and smoothed it gently.

Aware that they wouldn't be staying long and that the camp might not be here when she got back, she grabbed a leather satchel and handed it to Bellamy. "Hold this open," she said to him, starting to gather together the few possessions worth saving. Into the satchel went a bracelet that Lincoln had made for her, all his sketchbooks, his favourite shirt, and the foghorn that had saved so many Skaikru lives in the weeks following their arrival on Earth. She tied the laces of the satchel carefully, sealing it up. "Do you want anything from your tent?" she asked her brother.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "You and Clarke are all I need."

She eyed him for a moment and then she asked, "Do you love her?"

Gently he said, "I could. If things keep going like this, I will."

"I loved Lincoln almost right away," she said thoughtfully. "I just didn't realise it until later."

Bellamy shrugged a little and held out the bag. Octavia took it from him and slung it over her shoulder. "Did Mom ever love anyone?" she asked.

"You're talking about being in love with someone," he told her. "You were in love with Lincoln, and you're asking me if I'm in love with Clarke. Right?"

Octavia frowned. "I'm not sure. What's the difference?"

He smiled a little. "You know… you can love someone and not be in love with them. Like how I love you, and I loved Mom, and yeah, I love Clarke."

"Okay fine, so have you ever been in love?" she clarified.

He shook his head. "No, never." She saw his cheeks redden just a little. "I've never even really had a girlfriend."

Octavia made a face. "But all those girls you were with when we first landed…" She trailed off, and then she was blushing too. "Oh."

"Let's talk about something else," he said, clearing his throat. "Anything but this."

"Wait, you didn't answer my question- was Mom ever in love?"

He shifted uncomfortably for a moment, and his eyes looked suddenly far away, somewhere she had never been. "Yeah," he said finally. "I think so… I think she was in love with my dad."

Octavia held her breath. She knew Bellamy had never talked about her father because she'd never asked, but he had never, never mentioned his own father, not once in her entire life. 'Father' and 'dad' had been foreign words in their quarters. She didn't dare speak in case she scared away the moment.

He seemed to be hesitating, unsure of how to explain. Finally he said softly, "Mom was hurt a lot, O… by men- before you came, and after. Once my dad was floated, I don't think she let herself fall in love with anyone."

"What about my father?" she couldn't help but ask.

Again, he hesitated, letting out a heavy breath. "Look, I know I said we could talk about this, and we will, I promise… but can it wait? It's just too much right now."

Octavia hid her disappointment for his sake and said, "Okay. After."

Bellamy seemed relieved, nodding his head. "Are you ready?"

Briefly, she reached up to the leather cord around her neck and followed it down to the pouch of ashes- that small part of Lincoln she still carried- and she just stroked the suede for a moment, thinking of him.

"Yeah," she said finally, drawing in a deep breath and letting it go. "I'm ready."