'I like the players.' - Dr Dre, No Diggity
"Shawty get down, good Lord, Baby got 'em open all over town."
"Shut up, Black."
"Strictly biz she don't play around, Cover much ground, Got game by the pound."
"Not you too, Malfoy."
"Gettin' paid is her forte, Each and every day true player way."
"Goddamn it, it's too early for this shit." I groan.
"Dude, it's the third day back. Get used to it." Lysander rolls his eyes.
"I have a bloody headache. So get them to shut the fuck up."
"I CAN'T GET HER OUTTA MY MIND, I THINK ABOUT THE GIRL ALL THE TIME."
I throw my books at them.
"You know you love me, babe." Ria breaks off the song to kiss my cheek. I scowl at her so she winks and dances off with Scor down the corridor to Charms, leaving me to pick up my books.
"You're blushing."
"Shut up Rose. Men don't blush." I growl, and stomp off after Scor and Ria.
"Today we'll be turning vinegar to wine." Flitwick squeaks, and I tune out for the rest of the day.
However, by dinner time I've got a new girlfriend, Sandra Lee, in fifth year Hufflepuff. She's blonde, leggy and stupid, with big boobs. Just my type.
She tucks herself under my arm at the dinner table, and I lean down to kiss her, which turns into a good old-fashioned snog. Hopefully I'll be getting lucky tonight; it's been way too long.
"Ahem." Sander coughs pointedly. "Much as we love seeing you play tonsil hockey, Al, please don't do it when we're trying to eat."
"Dude, it's the third day back. Get used to it." I mock his words from earlier in the day, and then turn back to Sandra to continue sucking face, nearly missing the devious look Scor and Ria share.
But I don't miss it, and I snap my head back up to stare at them.
"Whatever you're going to do, don't." Nothing good has ever come of that look.
However, they just smirk at me, and with a quick flick of their wrists, the entire Great Hall is plunged into darkness.
A whispered Lumos later, and Scor and Ria are holding their lit wands under their chins, lighting their faces up eerily.
"SHIT." Rose is screaming, but other than her, the Hall is silent.
I can feel Sandra shaking under my arm, but she stays silent, clearly trying to impress my crazy friends.
Ria jabs her elbow into Rose's ribs, effectively silencing her except for the occasional moan of pain. Who am I kidding? She won't stop moaning, which Scor takes care of with a quick Silencio.
"Sandra Lee," they whisper in unison, in ghostly voices, "We have been possessed by the spirits of Al's girlfriends past to impart some great wisdom unto you."
Shit. I have a feeling I'll be sleeping alone tonight.
Scor starts. "He has a salivary gland disorder that means when he gets overexcited when you kiss, you'll be swimming in spit."
Then Ria. "After a while he gets clingy and will follow you around everywhere. Say goodbye to your friends now."
"He's got genital herpes, so when the time comes, just don't look down."
"His dick is speckled, and kind of crooked, but he's a tad sensitive about it, so try not to laugh."
"He likes to pick his nose, eat his bogeys, and then spit them back into the mouth of whoever he's kissing."
"He's got a disease which makes his tongue like sandpaper, so don't let him go down on you, because you'll be in pain for days afterwards."
"When he sleeps, his ears leak liquid earwax."
"He likes girls to eat his belly button jam during sex."
Light suddenly returns to the Hall, and the screaming from the other students meets my ears as the Muffliato charm breaks. Students are running around, some are crying, there is food splattered on the wall, Josh Thompson is shaking in the corner, and all because of a little bit of long-lasting Peruvian Instant Darkness powder.
Rose, Em and Sander are also shaking, but they have tears of laughter streaming down their faces. I scowl as Sandra quickly stands up, actually taking a few steps back as if she's scared of me.
"I'm sorry, Al, but I don't really think we could work out." I raise my eyebrows. No shit, Sherlock.
"It's not you, it's me." The girl actually thinks I'll be upset by the termination of our 3 hour relationship.
"I just need to focus on my work right now." Merlin, she's pulling out every cliché in the book.
"I think we're just meant to be friends." I literally just met her this morning.
"You're going to make someone really happy someday." She needs to shut up now.
Fortunately, she now runs away to her little friends, probably to tell them about my, quite frankly disgusting, made-up habits.
"Fuck you." I turn back to glare my douchebag friends, who're still in hysterics. "I was going to get it on with her tonight."
"It's not you, it's me." Ria splutters, and then they dissolve into laughter again.
I run through her break-up speech in my head, and yeah, it's pretty damn funny. I crack up with them and five minutes later, we're lying gasping on the benches, winded.
I wish I could say that this isn't a regular occurrence, but unfortunately, every fifth girlfriend I have, Scor and Ria pull something like this to make them break up with me.
And this wasn't even the worst. In the summer of fifth year, they went so far as to invite my mum up to my room while I was mid-orgasm with a girl.
Most. Humiliating. Moment. Of. My. Life.
This prompted my mum to give me The Talk, and I also now have a charm on my room which means I can't sneak any girls up there without an alarm going off in my parents' room, except for my cousins, Emma, and Ria, of course. This has the consequence of me being completely starved of sex every holiday, so I'm pretty damn thirsty when I get back to Hogwarts.
I stand up, wobble a bit as a consequence of lying on a bench for five minutes, carefully run a hand through my gorgeous locks, then swing my bag over my shoulder. "I'm not coming to Astronomy today."
"No, dude," Scor scrambles up to look at me with puppy-dog eyes (shame the poor kid can't pull off puppy-dog eyes to save his life), "You know we all took Astronomy together so we could just hang out and make shapes out of stars. You can't miss it."
"Tough." I snark, "'Cos I'm going to be having sex with some hot chick while you're freezing your arses off up on the Astronomy Tower."
Rose snorts. "Cuz, I can pick up a girl better than you can."
I flip her off and stride out of the Hall, intent on proving her wrong.
I end up going to Astronomy.
Screw my friends.
"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday." Scor sings softly under his breath as he butters his toast.
Something you've probably noticed: Scor and Ria sing. A lot. And I may tell them to shut up a lot of the time, but they're amazing singers. They know all the lyrics to every song that's ever come out since they were born, and even a few before.
It takes dedication to know all these lyrics, which is why you can often find them sitting in the common room with headphones on, staring intently at an iPad.
Yes, you heard me correctly. iPad. Rose tinkered with them in the first term of first year and enabled them to be used and to receive signal in Hogwarts. I'd never say it to her face, but the girl's a genius.
Ria also plays the guitar and piano, while Scor…..well, give him any instrument and in half an hour he can play it like a pro. They're so freakin' talented.
Then there's Em, who can design and make the most gorgeous dresses, Sander, who can read people's minds ("No, Al, for the thousandth time, I'm not a Legilimens; it's all in the body language and facial expressions"), Rose, who may be crazy but she's damn clever, and then there's me.
Sure, I can sweet talk myself into any girl's bed, I have the looks of a Greek God, I'm a frikkin' awesome Seeker, and I can get good marks in most subjects without studying, but there's not really much else I can do except draw. And even that's more of a hobby than a talent anyway.
"Hey, where's Ria?" Scor is looking around.
Ria usually wakes up late, then joins us in the Great Hall ten minutes before classes are due to start. It literally only takes her ten minutes to get ready in the morning, and she doesn't even have to wear makeup to look gorgeous, the lucky bint.
But it's 8:55 and she's not here yet.
Rose shrugs, "I may have knocked over her alarm clock while I was straightening my hair."
"I'll get her." Emma offers, standing up to run to Gryffindor Tower.
"Sit down Miss Longbottom; I am about to tell you something of vital importance to any future career plans you may be considering."
I don't even need to turn around to recognise the snooty drawl of Professor Corona, Head of Slytherin House and our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Unfortunately, she's also teaching Ghoul Studies, which if I had known earlier, I would not have taken the class.
Emma sits down quickly and smiles at Prof Corona, while Scor and I scowl.
Ria's good at DADA but also pretty and popular, everything Corona's not, so she's a bitch to Ria, and therefore we all hate her. Emma and Lysander are smiling at her because they're prefects and it's their job to be nice to teachers, and Rose is smiling at her, because she's a total suck-up to teachers.
"I am not of the opinion that every student in my sixth year Defence Against the Dark Arts class is quite up to the appropriate standard necessary for the Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests, so we will be having a test today, in the first 30 minutes of the class. I am here because I thought I would come and give you ample warning." She drawls.
"But, Professor, we're only in this class because we all got at least an E in our OWLs for DADA." Rose is looking horrified at the prospect of a test she hasn't had at least a week to prepare for.
"My apologies Miss Weasley, but I am not prepared to argue with you over who I should accept into my class. If you fail, you will not be taking my class, it is simple as that." And with those foreboding words she sweeps away to warn the Hufflepuffs.
"AMPLE WARNING?!" Rose fumes as she and the others pull out their textbooks and begin poring over them feverishly, "I bet she told the Slytherins about the test on Monday!"
Whatever.
She looks up at me licking Nutella off a butter knife. "Al, I know you ace most stuff without revising, but DADA is one subject you actually need to revise for to pass."
"Aw baby cuz, did you just compliment me?"
"No, I told you to get out your fucking textbook and revise."
"Bitch." I mutter, but I do get out my textbook to revise, because even though she's annoying, she's right.
This is why none of us notice until five minutes later, when we're actually in class.
We sit in our usual arrangement for all the classes that we have together: Rose and Em at the front, with Scor and Ria behind, and Sander and I sitting right behind them.
Scor looks at the empty seat beside him, frowning. "Where's Ria?"
Oh shit.
Scor turns pale and sprints out the classroom.
Scor and Ria are the same: they can just about scrape an Acceptable in most subjects if they study, with the exception of one subject. Scor's subject is Potions, where he is top of the class, with Lucien Black coming in at a close second. However, Ria is far and away the best at DADA, so if she can get here in time, she can definitely ace the test without revising.
There's a commotion at the door, where Professor Corona is pushing Scor back into the classroom.
"But Professor, I need to get Ria." He pleads with her.
"It is the fault of Miss Black alone if she is not here to complete the test." Corona's eyes are lit with petty triumph at the chance to get rid of her least favourite student.
Scor sighs and slumps back into his seat. "Ria's going to be devastated."
Fifteen minutes into the test and the door crashes open.
We look up to see Ria standing in the doorway, looking smoking hot.
She's clearly just woken up. Her skirt is lopsided, with the shirttails hanging out. One of her socks is pulled up to her knee, while the other has fallen down around her ankles. Her hair is loose around her face, her tie is just slung around her neck, and her robes are draped over one shoulder. She's not wearing any shoes, instead carrying them in her hand, with a half-eaten pretzel in her other hand.
Anyone else would look like shit, so how does she look so damn hot?
Ria looks alarmed to see us writing a test and she quickly makes to her seat.
"Just a minute, Miss Black, you are late; you cannot take the test." Corona is clearly pretty upset that Ria has turned up and is desperately trying to salvage the situation.
But Ria's not one to stand for that. "Fuck off, Corona, I'm your best student. I'm doing this test, so deal with it."
With that, she grabs a test, slides into the seat next to Scor, and begins to write furiously, leaving Corona looking so dismayed I'd almost feel sorry for her if she didn't talk like a 19th century butler.
"A seventh year came into our dorm by mistake, with her music blasting out loud." Ria whispers in response to Scor's unspoken question.
"So where the hell did you get the pretzel from?" He hisses.
There's a pause. Ria bites her lip.
"The kitchens."
He turns to her, disbelief evident on his face. "You went to the fucking kitchens to get a fucking pretzel while we were here, fucking panicking that you would have to fucking quit this fucking class."
Just a few too many F-words in there, don't you think?
"I didn't know we were having a bloody test!" At least she has the decency to look ashamed.
Scor rolls his eyes and turns back to his paper.