Chapter 13

Never, Never, Never Say Never

"Sometimes we carry mistakes we haven't even made yet."

- Saahil Prem

A wave of the Force hit her and Traviata found herself lying on the floor; she raised up her sword, now heavy by the hours of dueling, to block the blow being delivered.

Traviata used the Force to ease the weight of her weapon and to propel her upward; she blocked the attack with such power that it sent her practice partner careening across the room and into a wall with a thud.

"Are you okay, Bastilla?" Traviata asked, dropping her weapon she ran across the room to the Jedi, extending a hand to her.

"I am fine, Traviata," Bastilla replied, accepting her hand with as much dignity as she could manage.

"You must work on control," Master Zhar commented from across the sparring chamber.

"Yes, Master Zhar," Traviata acknowledged, crossing the room, Bastilla trailing behind her. "I'm spending more time in meditation as you suggested."

"Good. Your progress is amazing. What has taken you weeks, would have taken others years to master. The Force flows through you like no other I've seen," Zhar commented. "That makes control of supreme importance, you understand this. Yes?"

"Yes, Master Zhar," Traviata confirmed.

"Good. Again," Zhar ordered, gesturing with his head.

It was late into the night when Traviata finally made her way back to the Ebon Hawk.

"You did very well today," Bastilla commented, walking with her. "The Council feels that you are almost ready for the final test."

"Final test?" Traviata asked with a grimace. "I guess a test makes sense," Traviata added distractedly.

"You are troubled," Bastilla said.

"I want to ask you something," Traviata said pointedly. "Why did you see my vision? I mean why you and not another of the Jedi? Why did I even have the vision of Revan and Malak to begin with? Why now, why did I start feeling the Force now instead of when I was younger?"

These questions had been buzzing around in her mind since their conversation with the Council.

"Those are good questions, Traviata. I don't know why I saw it. Perhaps a bond formed between us on Taris, maybe when I healed you there. As to why it happened in the first place. Well, it could be because we wanted to see them or because it was the will of the Force. They were very powerful Jedi Masters and received their Jedi training here on Dantooine; whatever they did in that temple may have left an echo, a trace. I really don't know for certain," Bastilla offered, slowing her pace to a stop. "As far as why your powers chose to manifest themselves now, I can't say, but it may have been our close proximity that manifested your ability or the survival situation you found yourself in. I'm afraid I don't have the definitive answers that you seek Traviata."

Traviata's brow puckered, Carth would call that a typical Jedi-babble answer. An answer that was no answer and only left you with more questions and left you feeling like an idiot for having to ask it in the first place.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here at the enclave?" Bastilla added. "It's much more peaceful than that ship."

"No thank you, I'm fine there," Traviata replied.

Bastilla held Traviata's gaze, "The Commander, I can feel your thoughts focused on seeing him. You know attachment is discouraged in the Order. Feelings, especially as strong as yours are becoming for Carth, are very dangerous for a Jedi."

"My feelings are what they are, Bastilla. I cannot simply stop caring, not about Carth, not about anyone that I have affection for. Anyway, I'm not part of the order or a Jedi and have no intention of becoming either. The Council is very aware of that," Traviata defended.

"Yes. The Council said neither of you would give the other up. They were right; it's a shame," Bastilla's eyes held hers. "It will require great discipline and vigilance on your part. You must always be aware of these emotions, and do not let them have sway over your actions, or cloud your judgment."

"I will be careful, Bastilla. Carth keeps me sane, centered, and clear. I couldn't do this without him," Traviata replied. "He makes me better and stronger, not weaker."

"Yes, well it starts that way, doesn't it? Then before you know it you're using your power to do monstrous acts for your love. It all starts off with the best of intentions-" Bastilla said.

"You and Carth are so afraid I'm going to turn into some sort of fiend. He thinks using the Force will do it and you see love as my downfall. What does that say about me that you both seem so afraid I will fall?" Traviata wondered out loud.

"It is because we both see your power, your potential. We've also both seen people with great power fall from heights that most can only dream of achieving, leaving devastation in their wake," Bastilla explained, turning toward the dormitories. "Sleep well," she said gliding off silently into the warm night.

Sweet dreams to you too, Traviata thought sarcastically. Bastilla loved to drop bombs like that on her and then leave her to meditate on them. It was beginning to annoy Traviata, a lot. She let go a tired breath and picked up her pace toward the Ebon Hawk. She was exhausted mentally and physically and couldn't wait to be back on the ship with Carth and the rest of the group too.

The training had been intense and extensive for almost two months. When she wasn't practicing her saber skills, she was studying the writings of different Jedi scholars, and when she wasn't doing that, she was meditating. It had been a grueling schedule, still she managed to find some time everyday to be with Carth. It was usually at the end of the day; they'd sit together in the main hold on one of the half moon couches in the room, both sharing what they'd done during their time apart, the others would often join them.

"So, what went on today with you?" Traviata asked, sitting down on the couch beside Carth, who was absorbed in whatever was on the datapad he was studying. It appeared to be Republic fleet positions and enemy vessels as well.

"Hey there, Beautiful. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in- analyzing some data for Paul. Malak has forces deployed all over looking for Bastilla. Everywhere but here it seems. Strange," Carth greeted her, putting his arm around her shoulders, holding the datapad with his other hand.

Traviata leaned in closer to him, craning her head to get a view of the information. "Not really. The Council keeps her presence masked. They say he'll figure it out soon though."

"Yeah, well his forces are wreaking havoc everywhere else looking for her. We're starting to take some heavy losses. I think he's getting desperate, pissed, or both," Carth responded.

"Well Master Zhar seems impressed with my progress. Maybe I'll be finished soon and we can explore the ruins and get on with this," Traviata replied, her gaze turning from the datapad to Carth to find him watching her.

"What's wrong?" Carth asked, frowning. "You're not yourself. You seem restless, tense."

"Just tired. Tired of Bastilla's meddling and negativity. It seems she's as worried about me turning to the dark side as you are. Though for slightly different reasons," Traviata said dryly.

"Hey, don't put me in the same category as her. It's not you personally, it's just what I've seen happen," Carth replied, his face hardening.

The haughty Jedi had several conversations with Carth about his and Traviata's relationship, warning him of the dangers of stirring such strong emotion in a Jedi. He'd told her to frak off and mind her own business after he'd let her know exactly what he thought of the Jedi in general and how certain he was that she'd planned on recruiting Traviata into the Order from the very beginning.

"Hell Carth, that's what she said too," Traviata said, sitting up straighter. "You say not to put you in the same category, but I swear at times it's like you two are sharing the same script."

"Will you stop saying that, damn it? I'm nothing like her, and our motivations regarding you are not the same. I promise you that," Carth shot back, his voice rising. "Our only similarity is that we watched great and powerful Jedi fall. Then they brought others along with them. We experienced it from different vantage points granted, but still," he paused before continuing. "To see such heroes changed into monsters worse than the enemy we'd been fighting," he shook his head as he spoke. "You weren't around to see it, if you had been then you'd understand our fear better. They-"

"Enough! I'm not them!" Traviata shouted angrily. "Listen, I can't begin to understand what turned Revan, Malak, and Saul so evil. No one understands what really happened to lead Revan and Malak down the path they chose," she paused as Carth opened his mouth to speak. "Let me finish, Carth," she paused watching him close his mouth, his hesitation apparent, concern in his eyes.

"That's not going to happen to me. I'd never do that. I wish that you had a little faith in me. It hurts you know? I mean I just don't understand why the frak you're so worried about it," Traviata finished, her voice tense.

Carth bent over to her and took her chin in his hand and turned her head.

"That's why, Viata," Carth whispered. "It's not you I don't have faith in. It's the powers you're playing with."

Traviata gasped, her eyes finding the floating crushed chair. It dropped to the floor with a loud crash.

She moved to get up, embarrassed and feeling overwhelmed. Carth caught her by the hand, their eyes meeting. "Hey, hey, don't go."

"I have to-" Traviata whispered, her eyes darting to the demolished chair and back to Carth. She'd had no idea she had done that, she'd been irritated at him not the chair. What if she'd hurt him instead? The thought made her heart stop, causing her stomach to lurch.

"No, you don't. Don't shut me out, we discussed this," Carth reminded her, his brow furrowed.

"I was a fool. You and Bastilla were right. It would be so easy to fall. I don't want to end up like Revan, Malak-"

"I don't want that to happen, I won't let it-" Carth interrupted squeezing her hand tighter.

"How can you know that? Anyway, I have to deal with this now," Traviata explained, pulling her hand from Carth's, she rose to her feet.

This power she was discovering had to be managed, she had to focus. There was no way she was letting herself head down the path of the dark side. If her agitation could unknowingly destroy and make a chair float, what else was she capable of? This is what the Masters had been warning her about. This was the reason for Carth's and Bastilla's fears.

"I know," Carth agreed soberly, finding his feet as well. "I'm here for you. You don't have to close yourself off to me or leave."

The Jedi were pushing her too hard, he'd never heard of an adult being trained under any circumstances, much less this dummied up crash course they had her on. And all of it to chase a clue from a vision; it didn't make sense. He'd have intervened weeks ago, except that it did seem to be helping her some.

Yeah, but until now she hadn't attacked the furniture when she got a little mad, he thought ruefully.

Traviata gave Carth a sad smile, "You're wrong, I have to go, I'm sorry Carth but I need to be away from you. What if it's not a chair next time? You can't help me..." She wasn't going to allow him to be hurt because of her. Traviata used the Force and slipped away quickly, not giving him the chance to protest further.

"Damn it!" Carth shouted out angrily, his frustration at the situation and his inability to fix it filled him.

Carth walked over to the chair that had disrupted their normal evening time they'd spent together. He picked up the offensive piece of furniture, surveying the damage. It looked like it'd been in a trash compacter. What if his worst fears were starting to come true? What if this training was only making her more dangerous to herself and others, he wondered.

At this point, his hands were tied. If he took her away now, leaving her in the state she was currently in would not solve the problem. Staying here, continuing her training, hoping that she'd learn control seemed the only solution. That left her at the mercy of the Jedi Council, and he didn't trust their motives for a second. He hated feeling so helpless, and he wondered exactly how he'd ended up in this situation.

Here he was a Commander, sitting on a planet of Jedi while the Fleet was being pounded by the Sith. He belonged on the bridge of a ship, not sitting here trying to help strategize from a civilian vessel. The information, though, that they could glean from the vision had him a virtual hostage to the Council. He couldn't walk away from that, or her, he added mentally. How did he end up in a relationship to begin with, and with someone training to be a Jedi?

Feeling exasperated and discouraged, Carth threw the chair across the room, loudly stringing together a cloud of profanity as it sailed through the air.

"Whoa," Canderous said, entering the hold, dodging the chair flying in his direction. His eyes surveyed the furniture, now in pieces at his feet before looking to Carth. "Now you're acting like a warrior. There may be hope for you yet, Fleet."

"Shut up, Canderous. Or you'll end up like the chair," Carth said storming from the room, brushing against him as he left.

"Spoken like a Mandalorian," Canderous said appreciatively to the empty room.

He nudged the demolished furniture with the tip of his boot, wondering just how strong the Commander was. He'd made the right decision to stay with this group. It may take a while, but he was going to find battles with this band that would be worthy of his skill. Then he might be able to die in a fight with honor, instead of working as a petty mercenary.

The thought brightened his spirits and then it occurred to him that Traviata was no where to be seen. Carth and the woman were usually always together when she was on board the Hawk. He glanced at his chrono and then looked the direction where Carth had made his speedy exit, letting his eyes examine the room. He lit up as a smile broke across his face; the happy couple must have had a hell of a fight. There was no other explanation for Carth's mood and the busted up furniture.

"Things are looking up," Canderous said out loud, making his way to the engine room.

For the next several weeks, when Traviata wasn't training or studying she was meditating in the enclave. She didn't see Carth much during this time. She stopped going back to the ship, spending all her free time meditating, learning to focus her feelings. Traviata didn't want to chance a repeat of what had happened with the chair.

Carth came looking for her the first couple of days. Once he'd seen she was okay, he let her be. She could sense his confusion and anger, but Carth let her have her space. She could tell he was reaching the end of his patience though.

She knew she'd made the right decision; she'd gained a tremendous measure of control. Learning how to focus on the Force, pushing her emotions aside, or at least how to focus on managing them, had been the key in unlocking not only her control but the ability to allow the Force to flow through her even more, making her abilities extremely powerful.

Feeling that she was no longer a danger to others she found herself searching for Carth.

"Hey there," Traviata greeted Carth, squatting down beside his prone form lodged under a swoop bike in the cargo hold. Pieces of the bike were laid out neatly, tools surrounded the Commander.

"Hey. Can you hand me the power calibrator?" Carth asked evenly, not stopping his work, putting out a hand.

Traviata placed the article in his hand. "You're mad," she noted.

He used the tool, swearing softly under his breath. "Can you grab the fusion cutter?"

She quickly placed the cutter in his waiting palm. "Why would I be mad?" he asked.

There was silence, except for the sound of Carth working on the bike.

"Because you've been avoiding me you mean?" the Commander asked, loudly discarding a tool beside him.

"I haven't been avoiding you, I've been learning how not to demolish the furniture," she said lightly.

Silence met her attempt at humor, except for the sound of Carth ratcheting a bolt.

Traviata let go a long breath. "I had to deal with what I did and had the potential of doing, Carth," she explained, sitting on the floor. "I'm sorry, but I got scared that night and-"

"You got scared, freaked, and what? Ran away, shutting me out, breaking your promise to me," Carth put in.

Traviata hoped he'd forgive her; she could feel his anger and more than that his pain.

"I've hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was trying to protect you-" Traviata explained.

"I don't need your frakin protection," Carth stormed, sliding out from under the bike. His eyes surveyed Traviata, coming to rest on her new addition dangling from her waist.

"You're a Jedi?" Carth asked his face unreadable.

"No. Officially, I'm nothing I suppose," she answered, pondering the question. "They're calling me a Padawan now. Though I told them I wouldn't join the Order."

"You did?" Carth's relief plain in his tone and eyes. "Why?"

"Lots of reasons really, first it doesn't feel right to me. Second, I'm a Republic soldier; I want to serve in the military. The main reason," she paused, clearing her throat. "The main reason would be because of my relationship with you, which conflicts with their official tenets. While they're tolerant of my feelings for this mission, that lenience would come at an end with this assignment."

Traviata put it all out there, it didn't matter if he still felt the same, and her feelings had only grown deeper in her absence from him.

"I see," Carth said, betraying no emotion now, sitting up, wiping his grease laden hands on a nearby rag.

Traviata felt her stomach tighten, what if she'd lost him in her attempt to gain control of her power and emotion?

"You are the most stubborn, obstinate woman I've ever known," Carth said, his eyes tightening. "You make me crazy."

Traviata's stomach sank, her eyes drifted downward, she could feel his anger the most of all the emotions emanating from him now.

"You always have to do things your way. I get that you needed some space to do what you had to; you should have talked to me about it, let me know what was going on-" Carth placed his palm over her heart, "in here, and in here," he added, touching her head.

"I want to be the first to know what you're feeling and thinking, not the last. Also, I didn't want you to put yourself in such an exposed alienated position with the Jedi. I've told you that I don't trust them, especially regarding their motives and plans with you," Carth added.

"We need to get one thing straight right now," Carth paused. "I don't ever need your frakin' protection. I do the protecting, and you wouldn't let me. I can't do that, it's not who I am. You should know that."

Traviata nodded wordlessly.

"You thought of a future with me in it, after all this?" Carth asked guardedly.

Traviata shrugged slightly. "I mean, I didn't know what you thought, I didn't know how things would work out, but yes that's what I'd hoped-"

Carth pulled her over into his lap, his lips devouring hers hungrily, his hands pulling her head tightly against him. This was not a tender kiss, but one filled with all his pent up emotions.

Carth whispered into her ear, when he broke the kiss, holding her to him. "Don't ever do that to me again."

Traviata nodded, "I just- I won't, I'm sorry, Carth" she promised realizing that was what he needed to know and understanding that he meant his words. It would be over if she cut him out like that again, no matter how noble her intentions.

They were still sitting on the floor of the cargo bay, Traviata in Carth's lap when Bastilla entered the room.

"Well I suppose it shouldn't surprise me to find you here, like this. Your thoughts have been so loud regarding the Commander. I'm surprised the wild kinrath hounds didn't attack the Enclave at the shrieking noise," Bastilla said, her discomfort evident at the situation.

"You didn't forget our mission to the temple did you?" Bastilla asked.

"No, but I thought there was a test I had to pass first," Traviata noted, her body going stiff at the thought of entering the place of the shadows of her nightmares.

"The Council said the test would make itself known. We are to proceed to the ancient ruins," Bastilla said, looking away from the couple. "If you'll be so good as to let Traviata up, Commander."

"I'm going with you," Carth informed the Jedi, his gaze hardening.

"Of course you are," Bastilla said sarcastically. "Would you two please- the way you are seated-is most inappropriate when there is a guest present" she stammered, looking like she wanted to stomp her foot or run away. Traviata and Carth both rose.

"I'm ready, let's go find out what this vision was all about," Carth said, walking to a nearby workstation, he retrieved his weapons. The sooner they got this over with, the sooner they could bug out and get back to the fleet. For the first time in a long time, the Commander was looking for something more than revenge. He was beginning to think that there might be a possibility of a future beyond vengeance, a future with Traviata.