Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.
A/N: Hey again. Here's the next update. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks, as always to everyone reading, and all you reviewers. You rock!
Nathan took a deep breath, wishing for some way out of this current situation. Wishing Peyton wasn't standing there so close—close enough to touch. Wishing she wasn't looking at him in a way that demanded an answer.
He didn't have an answer. All he knew was he couldn't handle this right now. It was hard to even breathe; his heart beat so fast, let alone formulate a coherent sentence.
Why had she had to come? He couldn't bear to see her, especially in those crutches, knowing she only had to use them because of his screw up.
Not only had he failed to protect her, but he'd actually caused her to be alone in the boiler room. She'd been waiting there for him.
He hadn't told her about giving his phone away, causing him to miss her text and subsequently his failure to meet her on time .
While she'd been being raped, he'd been doing trivial things like talking to Chase, apologizing to Shelly, and even worse than those, picking a fight with Skills in the hallway, and harassing Haley in the tutor center.
The shame of it wrapped around him, squeezing hard and not letting go. He had to get away. He couldn't look in those gorgeous green eyes anymore.
But she wasn't budging, forcing him to walk around the other side of the car without a word.
She wouldn't have that and made to follow. "Nathan…"
"Peyton, don't," he warned, halting her steps.
"Don't what?" she asked him. "Don't ask questions? Don't follow you? Don't visit you? What?"
Again he didn't answer, frustrating her all the more.
"You know I've been coming, don't you?" she questioned accusingly. "The nurse said you didn't want to see me, but I knew that couldn't be true. I figured they just weren't telling you I was here," she said, tears flooding her eyes. "But it is true, isn't it?"
She was met with more silence so she shouted the question again. "Isn't it?"
He sighed, but nodded subtly. Yes, he knew she'd been there every day for two weeks straight. He'd refused to see her, knowing he couldn't handle it.
She loved him. He knew that. But he didn't deserve it. Not her love, her loyalty, her concern or her care. None of it.
But he wanted it. Damn, he wanted it.
That's why he couldn't see her. Because he knew he couldn't resist her for long and would wind up taking everything she had to offer. Just as he'd always done. Always taking, seldom giving. Those who said he didn't deserve her were right. He never had, but being the selfish guy he was, he'd held on to her anyway.
"Why?" Peyton wanted to know. "Do you blame me for what happened?" It really was the only thing she could think of that would keep him away from her this long.
"Blame you? No," he managed to croak, though his mouth went dry.
"Well then, why, Nathan? We're engaged. We're supposed to be able to get through anything, but I have to know what that something is."
"We can't get through this," he said quietly.
"Why not?" she persisted. "We're stronger now, remember? You said that not too long ago. This is exactly the kind of thing we should be sticking together through. This would be the truest test of all of how strong we've really become."
"Or haven't become," he countered.
"I don't buy that. You said it yourself, that you could feel it this time."
"Guess I was wrong," he said with a shrug.
"No," she denied. "Baby, you were right, and I have the engagement ring to prove it," she said, showing him the chain that still carried the ring clasped to it despite Damien having ripped it off her neck in the boiler room and tossing it aside angrily. Brooke had found the precious item on the floor during all the chaos and had picked it up and gone through the trouble of having it repaired for her. "Damien tried to taint it," she continued. "But it didn't work. What do you think that means?"
'That Damien had been in a position to taint it in the first place,' Nathan thought gloomily. "Who says it means anything?" he asked. "It's just some piece of jewelry on another piece of jewelry."
Her jaw dropped, unable to believe he'd just said that. "It means way more than that," she said. "And I know you think so too. Otherwise, you wouldn't have practically begged me to marry you. Well guess what, Nathan? Married people don't bail on each other. They don't push each other away. They stand by one another through thick and thin."
"Well then, I guess you were right," he said, his tone just as quiet as before. "When you said we shouldn't get married."
"I never said that," she denied. "I said we were young and maybe rushing it."
"And that we're always breaking up and weren't really solid."
"Yeah," she admitted. "That was the truth at the time," she said. "But then we talked and I realized I was wrong…"
"No, you were right," he countered with a shake of his head. "Like, what were we thinking? Marriage? Us? We'd be in way over our heads."
"Why are you saying this?" she asked, shaking her own head in disbelief. He'd been dead set that getting married was the right move for them and that it was what he wanted more than anything, but now he was suddenly against it?
"Because it's true."
"Ok, so now you don't want to get married?" she asked, confusion marring her beautiful features.
"Right, I don't," he replied, though it was so far from the truth. "So, if you want, you can just, I don't know, pawn the ring or something."
He knew by her face that that comment hurt her a lot. But he also knew that being an ass was the only way to make her angry enough at him to make her want to stay away from him.
"I would never do that," he whispered tearfully, holding the ring against her chest.
"Look, just do what you want with it, ok?"
"I will," she replied sadly. "I'll hold onto it until you come to your senses again."
"I've done that," he returned.
"Ok," she said agreeably, but her voice came out desperate. "So you want to hold off on a wedding until after college like I originally suggested? Because I'm totally cool with that so…"
He shook his head. "Pretty sure you know that's not what I mean," he came back with, averting his gaze.
Though tears still flooded her eyes, her features hardened and she glared at him furiously. "Well then you're gonna have to say what you do mean because, right now, you're not being very clear, and I don't understand."
Not clear? Fuck. And he really wished she'd stop crying. It was killing him. "Look, I'm trying to make this as simple as I can…"
"Really?" she snarled. "Well then, say what you mean," she ordered gruffly. "Damn it, Nathan!" she growled when he didn't reply. "As long as you don't say it, we are still engaged, so stop being a damn, fucking coward, and just tell me you don't want to marry me at all! Say it!"
He couldn't say it, but she heard so much from his silence. "You don't even want to be with me," she pushed further, but he still didn't answer. "Is that what all these weeks of you avoiding me has been about? Your way of breaking up with me? Is that what you want?"
More silence, just a sigh on his part.
"Because if it is," she continued. "It would have been kinda nice to know," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Are we over?"
"Peyton…"
"Are we over? Just tell me the truth!"
"Yeah," he finally replied. "I guess we are."
"You guess we are?" she cried. "No, we either are or we aren't. There's no guess work."
He closed his eyes for a second, fighting his own emotions. "We are," he spoke softly.
Choking back a sob, she retorted sarcastically. "Well, thanks a lot for letting me know. Do I, at least, get a reason, or is that too much to ask?"
He sighed deeply. Yes, she deserved an explanation, but he just couldn't be around her a second longer. Her tears and rage only served to increase the guilt he felt. He was always upsetting her. Everyone knew that. Even Damien had pointed it out in the boiler room. If a psychopath could even see it, how bad must it be? ""This for one thing," he said, indicating her broken state. "It's like you've always said, Peyton. We're horrible together."
She shook her head, hating that he threw back the words she'd used so very often in the past. He'd always shot those words down and said how good they were together. But now, all of a sudden, he was using them on her? "You don't think that," she said flatly. "You've never thought that. What's going on, Nathan?"
"Nothing. I've just had a lot of time to think lately and you're right. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be a constant struggle to be together."
"No, I don't buy that," she returned sharply. "We were happy before this thing with Damien. We had plans."
"Yeah, and look what happened," he pointed out.
"What happened was unforeseeable, but if we love each other enough, we can get past it. I know we can."
"Well maybe we don't love each other enough. Ever think of that?"
"No," she replied as she shook her head again. "Because there is nothing that you or anyone else can say or do that would ever make me stop loving you. Nathan," she continued, full on crying now. "I would literally walk through fire for you. I'd do anything. Why won't you let me?"
"I don't want your help, Peyton," he said glumly. "Don't you have enough on your plate without having to worry about me?" he asked, iterating her father's sentiments exactly.
And with those words Peyton thought she knew what was going on. "So, you feel guilty that I'd rather focus my energy on you instead of dwelling on my own problems? Is that it? Because Nate, if that's it, you don't have to worry about that. Okay? I'm completely fine, I promise. I just want to help you."
Damn it, the more she spoke, the less he felt he deserved her. "Well, like I said, I don't want your help. And I don't need it either since I'm fine too."
"You're fine too?" she exclaimed. "That's why you tried to kill yourself? What, you'd rather be dead than be with me?" she asked, knowing how hypocritical she was being, considering her own attempt. But she didn't care. Plus he didn't know about hers.
"I didn't try to kill myself," he muttered.
She stared at him long and hard, trying to decipher truth from lies before her gaze fell back to his arms.
He didn't like that—her seeing what he'd done to himself. He didn't like it at all. Yes, she'd seen him at his most vulnerable, but right now he felt lower than he ever had in his life, and that was something he didn't want her seeing. He'd taken enough from her already. She didn't need all this extra baggage on top of the heavy weights he'd always placed on her.
He lifted the car handle and opened the door. "I gotta go," he said.
"Do you still love me?" she asked him.
"Peyton…"
"Do you still love me?" she repeated. "Because if you can say you don't, I'll leave you alone."
"I don't love you," he answered a little too quickly. And to make sure she held to her word, he added, "I don't think I ever did."
He thought his last statement would be the nail in the coffin, but instead it had the opposite effect. She could maybe believe he'd stopped loving her somewhere along the way. Maybe.
But to say he'd never loved her? That she would never believe.
"You don't mean that," she said confidently, though it hurt that he said it at all. She didn't understand why he wanted her to believe that.
"I do mean it," he returned.
"Why are you doing this?" she wanted to know.
"Doing what? I'm trying to get home."
"Lying to me," she replied to his question.
"I'm not lying," he denied.
"I don't believe you," she argued, though her tears fell harder.
He swallowed hard. Seeing her like this was really getting to him. Knowing he was the one who caused it, like he always had, was even harder. "Just forget about me, Peyton. Ok? You can do so much better than me."
Before she could respond further, he slipped in the car and closed the door. She made to open it, but Dan put a hand out to stop her. "Just let it be for now," he said. "Give him some time."
She didn't want to but by then Larry was gently pulling her away.
"I'm so sorry, honey," Deb said as they passed her by. "He doesn't mean it," she added, her heart going out to the poor girl who loved her son more than life itself.
Larry smiled his thanks to both Scott parents as he led his overwrought daughter away, toward his own vehicle.
…..
"Why is he doing this?" Peyton cried as they reached Larry's car, not even caring, or seeming to notice, that she spoke to her father, the one guy who disapproved of Nathan above all others.
"I don't know, sweetheart," he replied soothingly, at odds with himself with how he should be feeling right now. As much as it pained him to see his beautiful daughter so distraught, it was such a far cry from the distant, cold girl she'd been for weeks that he wasn't sure which was worse. At least this way he could see her reacting to her emotions rather than keeping them all bottled up as she had been. Or at least, he assumed that's what she'd been doing. He'd never believe his usually emotional daughter felt nothing about what had happened in the boiler room. Even if she didn't remember the rape, she surely recalled the attack.
As for Nathan, Larry wanted to both hit him and hug him. Hug him for being the one to bring on this drastic change in Peyton. Hit him for making that change a tearful one.
Damn Scott kid, always making her cry.
And yet, he hadn't been able to say that for weeks.
"He wasn't even going to tell me," she went on with a sniffle. "What was he gonna do? Just avoid me till I got the picture?"
Larry kissed the top of her head. "I don't know, honey," he repeated. "Let's go home, ok?"
She nodded and got in the car as he walked around to the driver's side. He couldn't help asking himself the same question she just had. Had Nathan honestly planned to use avoidance as a breakup method? Apparently so. It was, indeed, the coward's way out, just as Peyton had said.
Another character flaw to add to the kid's long list, Larry thought sourly. Another reason to resent him.
….
He wasn't the only one to think along those lines. Nathan's own parents disapproved of the way he had handled things with Peyton and they would tell him so once they were home and settled.
They, however, didn't think him a coward, and naturally, they could never hate or resent him. He'd been through a lot recently and was just looking for ways to cope. They understood that.
But that didn't make the way he'd just treated Peyton right.
He sat on his bed now, in awe that what his mom had said about the removal of the doors and everything else was actually true. The car ride home had been silent but now, as he figured they would, they were making their feelings about what had just transpired outside the hospital known.
They didn't scream it out or point fingers, or criticize. Just simply offered their sincere, parental advice.
"Avoiding her was the wrong way to go," Deb chided gently. "If you wanted to end things, the decent thing to do would have been to let her know, face to face."
It was a reprimand, to be sure, and yet spoken almost too softly to be considered one.
He knew she was right. He should have been upfront with Peyton from the start. It was just that he couldn't do it.
"Your biggest mistake though," Dan began, his tone quite a bit harder than Deb's, but not harsh either, "is pushing her away in the first place. I don't know why you're doing it but, trust me, one day you'll wish you hadn't."
His dad was right too. In fact, that day was here now. He already regretted it. Sort of. Peyton had always been everything right in his life. He needed her. He knew that.
But this was for her sake, not his. For once he was doing what Peyton needed instead of what he needed. At least that's the way he saw it.
His parents didn't understand that, and he was too distressed to try to explain it to them.
Besides, he knew they would shoot down his feelings of guilt and shame, and tell him he wasn't to blame, and he didn't want that. He'd heard it before, from everyone else, and he just couldn't bring himself to believe it. He couldn't see himself as entirely innocent as they wanted him to.
He finally managed to convince his parents to give him some time alone. He didn't feel much like being around anyone right now.
"One more thing," Deb said as they reached the doorway. "You mentioned to Peyton that relationships shouldn't be this hard," she started. "But sweetie, if they were easy, they wouldn't really be worth it."
They left the room with those words, but they didn't go far. They didn't even go downstairs, actually. Just hung out in their own bedroom with their door wide open.
If he didn't feel so bad, he'd have to laugh at their concern. Except he knew it was his own doing and it would probably take a while before they took their eyes off of him.
He figured the unusual hovering would last until they could be sure he meant what he said about not wanting to die.
And he supposed he was okay with that. For now.
Once they left, he buried his head in his hands and sat as such for a long time.
In his mind, he'd done the right thing, letting Peyton go. It just didn't feel so right at the moment.
…..