Forcibly United
oOo
Chapter 7
oOo
Benny yawned as he woke up, stretching. That was odd, he noted to himself: He'd fallen asleep at his computer. He never did that anymore. What would have caused him to-
Then the hangover hit full force.
"What... the fuck?" The thirteen year old boy gasped, sitting up straight and wincing at the excessively bright sunlight coming in through the narrow gap between the blinds and his window sill. He glanced at the pile of beer cans on his desk.
His pile of four cans. His stomach churned at the sight of them.
"How the hell did five beers do this to me?" The poor boy groaned, getting up from his chair and wandering into the kitchen. He grabbed a burrito out of the freezer and tossed it into the microwave before chugging down a cup of orange juice in a bid to tame the migraine pounding the his head with every heartbeat.
He caught sight of his reflection in the stainless-steel side of his coffee maker, noting his adolescent features.
"Oh right. That's how five beers could do this to me," he grumbled. With a ding, the microwave announced that the greasy wrap filled with fried beans was done. He grabbed the meal as he walked to the hook he habitually left the car keys on, his free hand reaching out to grab them.
They weren't there. Then he remembered being pulled over by the police. Remembered Rock having to drive the car. Remembered Rock agreeing to take the car overnight so Benny wouldn't have to deal with the frustration of getting pulled over in the morning and possibly missing the auction which just might solve his problem.
He sighed, pulling his cellphone from the pocket of his jeans and dialed.
"Hey Rock? You want to come pick me up in half an hour so I can hit the bank before we go up to the church?"
oOo
Shenhua resisted the urge to bang her head on the steering wheel. This was not what she needed to start her day. This day was supposed to be simple, easy. In fact Chang had told her that, ferrying the boys to and from their meeting with Wong Fei Chin aside, she could have the entire day off.
It was supposed to be a fun day. An hour or two of driving the two idiots around, drop them off back at the Triad's compound, and then an afternoon at the spa before going to see the doctor and getting her wounds checked. She was eager to get rid of the stitches, but pissed off that she'd now have a quartet of round scars running down her back three inches to the left of her spine.
Whatever the day was supposed to have been, the annoyed boys returning after a moment of glancing at a note on the door was not a part of it. Learning that Wong Fei Chin had essentially wandered away from a meeting booked by the Triad Boss was easily the second worst news she'd heard all day.
The worst news, of course, was that the place she now had to go to was the Ripoff Church. Most people in Roanapur were rather pragmatic... Enemies one day, allies the next. Someone you exchanged gunfire with one day might be the person you trusted to watch your back the next. It went with the territory.
Still, the Taiwanese woman wasn't looking forward to running into the stupid blond nun again. She wasn't looking forward to that at all.
"So how far is this place, anyway?" Ranma pondered from the backseat, for the fifth time.
"I tell you before, we get there when we there!" Shenhua snapped, glaring at the annoying boy in the rear-view mirror. Not for the first time that morning, she prayed for the day her injuries were healed so that she could use her kukris against the pigtailed boy behind her.
"It's not too far, is it?"
No, today was not turning out pleasantly at all.
oOo
The area behind the chapel of the Church of Violence was a small outdoor gym, one which normally only saw use by one of the Church's residents. Sister Yolanda had never deigned to touch the equipment Eda had purchased, and the young men responsible for maintaining the grounds were all worked hard enough moving various items that the idea of spending their free time sweating was completely foreign to them.
That resident was there now, grunting as she worked with a small set of free weights. A smaller set than she usually used, to her disgruntlement. Another blond woman joined her, jogging around the corner and panting slightly as she rested against the stand holding the weights.
"That's still pretty fucking weird, Sister. I don't think I'm going to get used to that any time soon," Eda remarked, puffing as she lifted her arms parallel to the ground, the strain fueling the slow, steady burn she'd been working towards since she started.
"What's that, my dear?" Her slightly heavier-set doppleganger asked with a sly grin, wiping the sweat from her brow with a towel. "The fact I look quite a bit like you, or the fact that I'm jogging?"
"Both," The other blond grunted, setting down the dumbbells with a grunt. She caught the towel as Yolanda threw it to her. "I'm surprised you took to jogging at all, sister. You've been living a sedentary lifestyle for so long I assumed..."
"...that I had no interest whatsoever in losing a few pounds?" Yolanda asked with a smirk. She shook her head, taking a lighter set of dumbbells than Eda had been using from the rack. She started doing flies before continuing. "It's not so much that I had no interest, but that my age precluded it. I don't like this extra baggage any more than any other woman, Eda."
"At least people will be able to tell us apart until you fix that," Eda noted slyly, grinning at the scowl her superior shot her way. She picked up the dumbbells once more, curling the weights tight to her biceps before slowly lowering them again. "At least you got something out of this. All I've noticed is that I'm scrawnier and weaker than I'm used to."
"I'm sure that once you train yourself a bit, you'll find the advantages outweigh the disadvantages," The mentally older blond told her workout partner smugly, grunting with her latest repetition. Lost in the rhythm of the weights, neither woman spoke for long moments.
"So, you really think people are going to buy that story we've been feeding them?" Eda pondered, racking her weights and bouncing from foot to foot as she prepared for another jog. Yolanda flashed her a broad smile.
"My dear when they see Balalaika the bidding is going to get quite intense. They might have assumed that you and I were actors hired by our 'real' selves to promote some scam, but they'll show up out of interest if nothing else," the Church's head admitted, switching to bicep curls without stopping. "However, the Russian will be a different story: She'll be proof positive that those things really do work as advertised.
"Then we'll have them, Eda," the blond concluded, setting her weights down on the rack. She grinned. "Another lap around the church, then?"
"The sooner I'm not gasping for breath every time I've got to sprint, the better," Eda snorted, matching the other blond's pace as they left the workout area.
oOo
Balalaika glared at the offending item in her hand, trying her best not to retch. Across the limo from her, her Sergeant stared incredulously as she coughed. And coughed. And coughed some more.
"Capitan?" Boris ventured, sounding a touch nervous. "Are... Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Sergeant," the blond Russian snapped, a trifle harder than she intended. She reigned in her emotions, cursing the hormones which now flooded her body. "It seems that in addition to ruining my composure, this problem has also effected my ability to enjoy the simplest of pleasures."
"I see," the man said noncommittally, glancing out the window. After a moment he glanced back. "Capitan, are you sure that going to this auction is a good idea? What if it makes you younger? Or kills you? How do you know these things will work twice?"
"I've thought of that, Sergeant," the young woman replied with a nasty grin. "I'm sure that Dutch and his crew are going to show up to help that computer expert of theirs. His case is more severe than mine, according to our friends at the Lagoon Company. After I win the auction, Rock will no doubt try to convince me to part with one of the mushrooms.
"I'll make a show of rejecting the idea so that the silly boy knows his place, but in the end I'll allow him to convince me." Balalaika stubbed out the unsmokeable cigar in the ashtray at her side, folding her hands in her lap and leaning back. "I'll charge Benny for the mushroom I give him and allow him to be the first to try it out."
"So if it works and brings him closer to his original age, you'll know that the mushrooms are safe," Boris mused, nodding once. "And if it turns out that the mushrooms can only work one way, you're no worse than you are now."
"Everything will go according to plan, Sergeant. You'll see," Balalaika said with a small sigh. "I do feel bad about manipulating poor Rock like this, however."
"Really?" The huge man asked, a heavy look of skepticism plain on his face.
"A tiny bit," Balalaika admitted with a feral grin.
oOo
"Oh man... This is not good," Benny muttered to Rock as the car pulled up to the Ripoff Church. The Japanese man nodded glumly, noting all the other cars parked along the roadside. Well over a dozen cars of various makes lined both shoulders of the road, and a variety of prominent older men and women of Roanapur milled outside the church chapel.
"Hey, there's that bitch from above Bao's place," Revy noted, pointing from the backseat towards the crowd.
"This is insane. There's no fucking way I'm going to win this auction," the blond American noted glumly, clutching the bag with the money he'd withdrawn to his chest. He glanced over at Rock. "So, you really think if Balalaika wins this thing you'll be able to convince her to share the goods?"
"Are you kidding?" Revy snorted, elbowing Dutch. "Benny, Rock has my Sis wrapped around his pinky finger, don't you?"
"I wouldn't put it like that," Rock said, pausing for a moment as his hand touched the keys of the car. He looked into the rear-view mirror. "Especially not where Balalaika could ever hear it, Revy."
"What are you talking about? You talked her out of killing you, didn't you?" Revy snorted, crossing her arms and returning the level look. "Around here, talking Sis outta killing you when her blood's up like that after challenging her is winning the fucking Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sure you'll do fine, Rock."
"Your faith is overwhelming," Rock muttered, turning the ignition and shutting off the car.
Ten minutes later, the church hadn't yet opened.
"Benny. Worst case scenario, you don't win the auction and Rock fails to convince Balalaika," Dutch noted to his employee as they all finally piled out of the car. He patted the young teenager on the shoulder. "Besides, half these guys probably didn't bring nearly as much as you did. They probably figure it's some scam. They don't call this the Ripoff Church for nothing, you know?"
"Your faith in my clergy is overwhelming, Dutchy-boy," a voice noted from behind the group. They turned to see a young blond woman in a nun's habit. A woman who, save for a slightly thicker figure than normal, could have been Eda. Yet the nickname...
"Sister Yolanda?" Rock sputtered, finally connecting the dots.
"Now that's some fucked up shit," Dutch noted, eyeing the woman critically.
"Glad you boys could join us. You too, Rebecca," Yolanda said, nodding once. She cast her gaze over the assembled crowd, finally spotting a black limo down the street. "Oh, and the lovely Ms. Balalaika will be joining us in a moment! I suppose we should get everything ready to begin, then!"
Without another word, the young woman walked away.
"You were eyeing her pretty hard there, Dutch. Isn't she a little young for an old man like you?" Benny dug in, grinning at the glare his boss shot his way. If the black man wanted to make jokes about age, the computer expert was more than happy to pay him back in his own coin.
Across the street, Balalaika emerged from her limo, causing a lot of gasps.
"I see. Now I know why she waited for Balalaika," Rock mused, rubbing his chin.
"What do you mean?" Revy wondered, crossing her arms.
"Everybody knows the Church of Violence's reputation. It probably occured to everyone that these magical age-defying mushrooms were a scam of some sort. Trusting Yolanda and Eda about something like this wouldn't be the first inclination a lot of these people would have," Rock informed the group, nodding towards Benny. "Even you could be a lookalike hired by the Lagoon Company to help the Church with their scam. Everyone knows how friendly Revy and Eda are."
"Friendly's not the word," Revy interrupted darkly.
"However," Rock continued, ignoring his partner, "Balalaika is well known to be above these sort of petty scams if they are, in fact, petty scams. Furthermore, the scars she has on her face, shoulders, and chest are distinctive. Combined with the fact not even the Church would dare to impersonate her, and..."
"...and everyone who was a skeptic is convinced as soon as she steps out of her car," Dutch grunted, starting towards the chapel. "Well, that's just fucking great. Come on. We'd better get in there. The sooner we can get this auction over with, the better."
oOo
Eda glanced out over the assembled crowd in the church pews, many holding a fan hand-inked with numbers by Rico or one of the other altar boys. She turned as she heard a side door open, Sister Yolanda slipping inside with a whisper.
"Would you like to do the honors, Sister Eda?" Yolanda asked, gesturing grandly towards the altar at the front of the church. The young woman nodded to her doppleganger with a grin.
"Glad to," the other teenager admitted. Yolanda smiled.
"I'll have Rico bring the leftovers from the kitchen," the thicker woman said, patting the slimmer teen on the shoulder. "Remember to start the bidding low. This whole auction is really going to come down to Balalaika and Dutch's boy anyway, so let them drive the price up by themselves."
"Of course, Sister," Eda said respectfully, moving into the chapel itself. The whispers of the crowd died down as she approached the microphone, and she cleared her throat once to get everyone's attention. They all sat up a little straighter in anticipation, she noticed. "I'm sure you all know why you're here. The Church has come across a special dish which apparently reduces a person's age. As if Sister Yolanda and myself weren't enough proof... Benny, could you please stand up?"
The short blond teen blushed as everyone turned to face him, though he complied and stood. Eda didn't have to mention Balalaika, as she almost felt everyone in the room making a conscious effort not to turn and stare at the Russian woman. They all knew her temper.
"Now, we really don't have much of this stuff left. Unfortunately, by the time we figured out it was the soup which did it to us we'd served almost all of it out. Fortunately for all of you wonderful citizens of Roanapur, we do have one batch which the Church guarantees will change you back into a teenager or your money back!" Eda announced, getting a mild cheer from everyone present. "Alright, so without further ado, let's begin! We'll start the bidding at ten thousand dollars!"
"Ten thousand!" Benny yelled, the young teen's skinny arm shooting into the air.
"Fifteen," Balalaika said calmly, raising one hand.
"Twenty-five!" Bellowed Madame Flora. Eda grinned at that, wondering if the obese owner of the Sloppy Swing was looking to extend her own career.
"Thirty!" Benny countered, again waving his hand.
"Forty," the Russian gang mistress called lightly, relaxing into her chair.
Eda noted smugly that most of the crowd was looking pained. Clearly they hadn't thought competition for some silly mushrooms would be so fierce.
"Forty thousand is the bid," Eda noted, casting her gaze around the crowd. "Do I hear fifty?"
"Fifty!" Flora yelled, her voice a little desperate. Eda noted the way Benny winced at the development.
"Sixty," Balalaika noted, not a care in the world.
"Sevent-five," Benny cried miserably, holding his bag.
"The bid is seventy-five thousand United States dollars, people," Eda called out, getting a lot of dirty looks in return. "Do I hear eighty? Eighty thousand dollars? Anyone?"
"One hundred thousand dollars!" Flora yelled, standing up and heaving. Benny's face dropped to meet his hands as they rose, the young teen groaning loud enough for Eda to hear it at the front of the chapel. The fat woman cast a victorious sneer towards Balalaika.
"One hundred and fifty thousand dollars," the Russian teenager said with a nasty grin, raising one eyebrow challengingly. With a sob, Flora pushed her way past several men sharing the pew with her and fled the church.
"One hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Do I hear one hundred and sixty?" Eda asked, only hearing Benny groan out loud once more. "One hundred and fifty going once! Going twice! Sold, to Balalaika for one hundred and fifty thousand dollars!"
As she slammed a candlestick onto the altar, most of the crowd got up and left. Accepting the cash from Boris and nodding to Yolanda, who handed over the tupperware container to Balalaika, Eda wondered just what the Lagoon crew had up their sleeves to be hanging around.
She knew they weren't going to try to rob the Hotel Moscow leader, so what was their plan?
oOo
"You're up, buddy," Dutch noted as they stood at the entrance of the chapel, watching Balalaika speak with Sister Yolanda. Rock nodded to the man, flashing a small grin to Benny.
"Hey, trust me. I can handle this," Rock said, earning only another defeated groan before walking up the aisle towards Balalaika. She glanced up but didn't say anything as he approached, merely giving him a studied look of curiousity. Rock knew anyone trying that hard was acting, and a plan began to form. "I was wondering if I could take a look at their dish?"
"You're trustworthy enough, I suppose," Balalaika said lightly, lifting the lid on the container. Inside a thin beef broth, two full mushrooms floated amidst some ground beef and other vegetables. "Was there any particular reason you wanted to see this?"
"Naturally I was wondering if we could come to an arrangement. As I'm sure you can see, Benny has been afflicted by the same problem you have," Rock said lightly, forcing himself not to smile at the slight nod Balalaika gave. He wasn't yet sure why, but he could tell she wanted the conversation to head in the direction he was taking it. "As you know thanks to my phone call, it's the mushrooms which cause the change. You have two, yet you only need one."
"Indeed, I do believe you're right," Balalaika noted, as if it had just occured to her. Rock wanted to snort. Balalaika was a great thinker and a great strategist, but she was really playing against herself with this whole innocence act. "What was it Benny last bid? Seventy-five thousand? I suppose I could part with one of these two mushrooms for that much. Have him bring the cash to me and I'll give him one right here."
Which clinched it for Rock. He knew what she was up to. Thankfully, he was pretty sure he was a better actor than her at the studied innocence thing.
"Thank you, Balalaika. You're very kind," Rock noted. He bowed slightly. "If you'll excuse me, I'll let Benny know the good news and bring him here so we can make the exchange."
Rock hid his grin until he turned to face his friends, walking up to them.
"I don't like that look in your eye. You got that same fucking look when you came up with that plan to take out the helicopter when we first met," Dutch told him, crossing his arms. "I don't think I need to tell you that fucking with Balalaika is not a good idea."
"Trust me. Benny, she says it's a go. She's going to need the seventy-five thousand from you, though," Rock told him, grinning.
"I suppose I should be grateful I've even managed to get one," Benny said, grumbling as he picked up the heavy bag at his feet.
"Trust me. If you're lucky, you'll get that back before we leave," Rock noted, his grin not slipping in the least.
"Rock, what part of fucking with Balalaika is a bad idea didn't you get?" Dutch asked, crossing his arms. Rock turned his gaze to Dutch and smiled.
"No, that's the beautiful thing. If I do this right, she's going to think she's fucking with us."
"This can only end fucking badly," Revy hissed through a false smile, noting Balalaika glancing curiously in their direction.
"Trust me," Rock repeated, grabbing Benny's arm and leading him back to Balalaika.
oOo
"He's up to something," Boris noted quietly as Rock spoke with the trio on the other end of the chapel.
"Of course he is. That boy does have a lot of audacity to even think about trying anything... But I hold all the cards. He's probably figured out that I'm using Benny to test the effects of these things a second time, yet he knows that this is his friend's best hope," Balalaika noted, grinning. "Everything will be fine, Sergeant."
"Hm," he grunted as Rock returned, towing the young teenager along with him.
"Here's the money, Balalaika," Benny said nervously, handing over the bag in his hands. Boris took the bag with a nod.
"It's been a pleasure doing business with you," the Russian woman said, removing the lid of the container and holding out the beef and mushroom soup. Rock eyed the contents for a moment before plucking out a mushroom and handing it to his comrade. Benny accepted it, nervously glancing towards Rock.
The Japanese man nodded, and with a sigh the blond American popped the mushroom into his mouth as Balalaika and Rock both watched intently. After a moment's hesitation, he chewed and swallowed. He fell to the floor gasping, reaching for his belt. With a strangled cry he jerked it loose, then stood. He was older. Probably as much as eighteen.
"Perfect," Balalaika noted, pulling the other mushroom from the container. She loosened the belt on her skirt just a touch, then ate her mushroom. She was flashing Rock a victorious smirk as she felt the change sweep over her.
Then her skirt fell down to her ankles as she shrunk an inch, her waistline shrinking even more. Thankfully her shirt was long enough to spare her the ultimate indignity of flashing her underwear to everyone assembled, but it was a near thing. Boris quickly moved in front of Balalaika to shield her while she pulled her skirt up.
Barely noticing the growing confusion and rage on her face, Rock nodded to himself, muttering, "I see."
"You see what? Why didn't it work for me?" Balalaika demanded, glaring at the Japanese man.
"Excuse me for a moment, I'd just like to confirm something," Rock said, eyes lost in thought. Balalaika reigned in her growing anger at the whole situation as the dark-haired man crossed to doorway where Eda and Yolanda watched, speaking quietly with them for a moment. He returned to Balalaika, the smile on his face absolutely devious. "So, that's it."
"What. Is. It?" Balalaika asked.
"Balalaika, it's not the way the mushrooms were prepared which determines the age they switch someone to. It's another factor, one I've finally figured out," Rock informed her smugly, gesturing to Benny. "It was pretty obvious after seeing the change to Benny."
"You tricked me," Balalaika accused dangerously, feeling the familiar rage start to numb her extremities.
"No, you tricked yourself. Frankly I'm surprised, Balalaika. You usually plan better than this," the infuriating young man informed her. Boris very casually shifted his feet, preparing for violence. Behind Rock, Revy was now stalking towards the front, her stance mimicing Boris' own. Rock ignored it all, staring the Russian girl in the eyes. "You were using Benny as a testbed to see if the mushrooms had an adverse effect on him. For all I know, it could just be that it works as a cure for men and doesn't for women because you lack a Y chromosome. I might not have the answer."
"You do. I can see it in your face," Balalaika hissed.
"Perhaps," Rock said, grinning. "Now, the Lagoon Company is always happy to take Hotel Moscow on as a client. Isn't that right, Dutch?"
When Balalaika turned her glare on the man, he had the good sense to look like this church, right at this moment, was the last fucking place he ever wanted to be. Benny similarily looked thoroughly uncomfortable, and even Revy was glancing between the two Russians with caution. Turning her glare back on Rock, she noted that the impudent little bastard was unconcerned.
"Now, we have a small supply of the mushrooms. Our only guarantee is that they'll turn you a year younger than you are, just as the one you ate right now did. Obviously after today's problem, you're probably less than eager to try again without knowledge of what might happen. Am I right?" Rock wondered calmly.
"You are," Balalaika ground out.
"Well, I suppose if you'd like I could act as a consultant to you on the mushroom which might restore you to an age similar to Benny here," Rock noted, hands in his pockets. "Of course, I'm going to have to insist on a fee."
"Boris," Balalaika snapped, and the man glanced at her for a second before handing the bag to Rock.
"Benny, I owe you for something or another, don't I? This should just about cover it," Rock said, his eyes never leaving Balalaika's as he handed the tall American his cash.
Balalaika leaned forward.
"You played me, didn't you. Right from the moment you knew I'd be bidding, you've been using that twisted little mind of yours to observe everything around you," Balalaika said, her voice low. Rock's eyes didn't flinch, nor did he nod, but the slight quirking of his lips upward was all the confirmation Balalaika needed. "You're playing with fire, Rock."
"It seems to be a symptom of living in this city, Balalaika," Rock told her, allowing his face to blossom into a grin. An intense heat rose in her chest at the sight, curiously not accompanied by the desire to claw his face off.
"Time for you to earn your fee. I expect it back if you're wrong, of course," Balalaika said, leaning back and lightening her voice to a more conversational tone.
"As always, I won't disappoint," Rock told her simply, spinning on his heel and leading the way out of the church.
oOo
Shenhua wanted to scream. The only people at the church were the Sisters and their altar boys. That bastard Wong Fei Chin was nowhere to be found.
"I guess we just missed him," Ryouga noted from the passenger seat.
"Good job, lady. You drove so slow we missed him! Now we gotta go all the way back to Roanapur's downtown! Augh! We should have just waited!" Ranma complained.
"Shut fuck up, stupid boy! If wait for- then it-" Shenhua sputtered, her English skills rapidly abandoning her as her anger grew beyond its boiling point. She switched to Chinese. "I swear I'm going to gut you with my kukris and use your intestines as a skipping rope as soon as my wounds heal! I swear I will!"
"What? I didn't catch that," Ranma noted, cocking his ear. By the pale look on Ryouga's face, he'd understood. "Wanna try that in a language I understand, lady?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaugh!" Shenhua shrieked, slamming the steering wheel of her car over and over again.
The day had started out so promising, too.
oOo
Author's Notes:
So you'll notice I was talking about how Eda lost strength and endurance by getting younger. No doubt this confused a lot of people. Well here's the deal: People actually gain strength and endurance naturally as they age. Admittedly once people get past a certain point this goes away again, but between a person's mid-twenties to mid-thirties they're at their peak for those things. That's why a lot of athletes actually get better at certain sports as they get older and have to focus more on agility training than strength or endurance.
I screwed Balalaika over like that quite deliberately to give Rock a moment of utter Xanatos Badassedness. She's a great character but also a great manipulator. It doesn't come back and bite her in the ass nearly often enough for my tastes, so I decided to let her outsmart herself here and have Rock simply call her on it. I also wanted to highlight the fact that Rock is smarter than Balalaika despite the fact she's arrogant enough to believe the reverse: He puts together the drug and weapon smuggling she mentions once within minutes of knowing the Ripoff Church's existence, while Balalaika has had years of experience with them and never clues in. The only advantages she has over the boy are years of experience and ruthlessness.