'We don't give a fuck.' - Iggy Azalea feat Charli XCX, Fancy
"She's so fancy, you already know. She's in the fast lane, from LA to Tokyo. She's so fancy, can't you taste that gold? Remember her name, 'bout to blow."
Before dinner the next week, I am standing at the foot of the Entrance Hall stairs with Scor and Sander, people-watching.
We all look up when we hear the singing.
I suck in a breath when I spot the three girls on the steps above.
Emma's skirt is about two inches shorter than normal, her small heels and knee-high socks making her look taller and slimmer than usual. Her robes are missing, revealing a white fitted shirt with the top button undone and a Gryffindor tie loosely knotted around her neck. Her short honey-blonde hair is practically glowing and frames her face perfectly. Add to that some skilfully done make-up, and she looks very different from her usual self.
It's the kind of thing I usually lust over in other girls, but in Emma, I don't like it; she's just not like that.
But boys heading into dinner are stopping to stare at Emma like they've never seen her before. I can see drool forming at the corners of their mouths and Sander grabs my wand before I can hex them for daring to look at her that way.
She makes her way down the stairs towards us, flanked by Ria and Rose who are looking stupidly smug with their handiwork.
Emma stops when she sees us at the bottom of the steps, but Rose gives her a slight push, shooting a nervous glance towards Scor. Ria sees the glance and frowns, grabbing Scor's tie as they march past, and he pulls Sander and I along too.
This is how we are strutting into the Great Hall like we're on a catwalk, turning heads as we stride to the Gryffindor Table.
When we finally sit down, Emma droops immediately. "I feel like an idiot." She hisses at the girls.
Rose and Ria scowl as their work goes unappreciated by the subject.
"You may feel like an idiot, but you look fucking irrestistible." I cut in, knowing why the girls have made her up like this. "Hey, did you stuff some socks into your bra or something?"
Rose snorts. "A lot of effort went into this; not just accentuating her boobs. And for your information, it's only a push-up bra."
I raise an eyebrow, impressed.
"Urgh, can I take it off?" Emma moans.
Scor grins. "I bet all the guys would just love it if you started taking off your underwear here."
She blushes and sinks into her seat.
A tiny boy with ridiculously pink hair walks up to us and smirks at Emma. "Longbottom, right? Up for some rough and tumble tonight?"
"No!" She exclaims, staring at him, shocked. The midget shrugs and strolls away.
Godric, he reminds me of myself. Except for the hair, obviously. My raven locks are so much better than his fluorescent mop.
Emma starts to get up to escape back to her dorm, but Rose pulls her back down firmly.
"Look at all those guys drooling over you, Ems." She nods to the nearby Slytherin table, where too many dudes are staring at Em. I can even see one git jerking off under the table.
Fucking disgusting. We turn away quickly and Ria shoots a jinx at the horny dickhead.
Emma is crimson now with embarrassment.
Ria sighs. "Honey, we just want you to know how hot you are. If this is how you realise, then we're sitting here for a few more hours."
Emma shakes her head. "I feel like a slag."
Rose scowls darkly. "Ems, take a chill pill. Now you know you're gorgeous, you see that looks aren't all there is to life, right?"
I know Rose didn't mean it as an insult, but Emma hangs her head ashamedly.
Lysander, ever the peacemaker, reaches forward and takes her hand. "Emma, you always look beautiful. No need to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, like playing to the hormone-fuelled daydreams of pubescent teenagers focused on aesthetic appeal. If any of these guys didn't already notice you, then they're not worth your time anyway."
Aw.
She smiles slightly, buoyed by his pep talk. "You're right, Sander. Let's go back to the dorm."
Lysander and Scor grin and stand up, gallantly offering her an arm each, and they walk out of the Great Hall together, with Emma smiling in between them.
"That makeover fucking took us hours." Rose growls. She turns to Ria, her partner in crime, but stops when she sees the hard expression on Ria's face. "What?" She audibly gulps.
Ria clears her face of emotion and stands up smoothly. "Come on Rose, let's talk outside." They walk out of the Hall, Ria with her chin in the air like a snobbish aristocrat, and Rose shuffling by her side nervously.
I follow them, curious. Rose and Ria are so different, yet similar in many ways, and they've never found cause to argue in the six years they've been best friends.
Once we step into a shadowy corridor leading off the Entrance Hall, Ria turns swiftly and pushes Rose into the wall, a firm arm across Rose's collarbone.
Rose's eyes widen, but she is too surprised at Ria's rapid mood swing to make a sound.
I slowly step back into the shadows, my black hair hopefully blending into the darkness. If Ria's planning to kill my cousin, I don't want to be offed for being a witness.
"Al, I know you're there." Ria's eyes don't leave Rose's face.
I clench my teeth, steeling my nerve, and step into the light gingerly.
Ria now has her wand at Rose's throat. "If you break Scor's heart, I'll buy you a puppy."
…
Wait, isn't that a reward? Rose has always wanted a puppy. She's got a thing for animals.
But Ria continues, snarling. "I'll wait for you to fall in love with that puppy, to feel like you can't survive without that puppy, then I'll sneak into your room when you're sleeping…and punch you in the face."
… she does know she shares a dorm with Rose, right? No sneaking necessary?
There's a pause. "On second thoughts, I'll just kill the puppy."
Rose gasps. "Kill the puppy?" Her brown eyes fill with tears. "I'M BEST FRIENDS WITH A PUPPY MURDERER!" And my seventeen-year-old cousin dissolves into tears.
"Yes," Ria hisses, unimpressed by Rose's hysterics, "I'm killing innocent animals because of you."
Rose stops crying, her eyes large. "But why?"
Ria scowls. "Because you're breaking up with my best friend."
There's an awkward pause.
"No I'm not."
Ria's eyes flash and Rose winces as the wand at her throat is dug in deeper. "Don't lie to me, bitch. I saw the way you looked at him tonight."
Rose sighs and pushes Ria away, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. "I love him, Ri. I'm not the one who's doing the dumping."
The anger is suddenly gone, replaced by concern in Ria's eyes. She takes a seat next to my cousin, and I sit on the other side.
"Scor'd never break up with you, if that's what you're worried about. You know he loves you, Rosie." Ria says quietly.
Rose lays her head on Ria's shoulder. "Remember what you said to him in your fight last week? That I say I'm in love with every guy I see, so he shouldn't feel special because I said I love him?"
Ria's face is impassive but she leans her head on Rose's. "Hun, I was angry. I didn't mean it."
"Maybe, but I'm worried that he believed it. How do I show him that I'm serious about our relationship?"
Ria doesn't say anything, but I kneel down, grinning and poke Rose. "Call a Wotter meeting."
Godric, why did I suggest this? Was I high when the thought crossed my mind?
I strongly dislike my family and I strongly dislike meetings. Put them together and you get this: a hated Wotter meeting.
We're all sitting in the Room of Requirement, which has transformed into a large plain room, with a long polished wooden table in the middle, and ten chairs spaced around it.
"Hi, guys. You all know why I called you here." Rose, seated next to me, sounds nervous as she looks around at our family members.
"No, not really." A girl sitting near the end of the table shrugs. Her black hair, black lipstick and heavy black eyeliner set a stark contrast to her pale skin and the silver stud in her tongue clicks against her teeth as she scowls at Rose. Urgh. Meet my bitchy cousin Roxanne, queen of the Slytherin sixth year girls' dorms.
The older generation of our family is famous for being all Gryffindors, but that changed when Teddy and Molly got put in Hufflepuff and Vic was placed in Ravenclaw. But Uncle Ron still threatened to disown each of us if we got Sorted into Slytherin. Except for Roxanne. Everyone knew she'd be in the House of the cunts.
Rose's eyes narrow. No one likes Roxanne.
But James, at the head of the table, cuts in quickly. "Roxanne's right, Rose. We've never had a meeting for you before."
"Come on Jay, Roxanne," Fred rolls his eyes, "Isn't it obvious? She wants to introduce Scor to us."
5 points for Gryffindor.
"But we already know Scor, don't we?" Louis, our resident fifth-year Hufflepuff beams. He annoys the crap out of me because he's just way too happy. Pretty sure back when I was his age I was plotting someone's murder. "Hey Scor, hey Ria!" He waves at Scor and Ria and they wave back cheerily.
Technically, as they're not family they shouldn't be here, but considering Rose called this stupid meeting about Scor, he was invited, and wherever Scor goes, Ria'll be there too.
"I don't like him." Hugo says immediately.
There's a shocked silence.
I really don't know why they're so surprised at Hugo. He may be a geeky little fifth-year Ravenclaw who hardly ever says anything, but Uncle Ron's raised him to be fucking protective of his sister and hate on all her boyfriends.
"Hugo, shut up." James throws a cushion at him. Where the fuck did he get a cushion from? I want one; this wooden chair is killing my arse. "We've all known Scor for six years and we all like him. Except for Roxanne, but she doesn't like anyone."
We all scowl at Roxanne, who flips us off.
And James is right, for once in his life. Rose and I have been inviting Scor and Ria to family functions since we were 12 (Em and Sander are invited anyway as family friends), so they know our crazy family pretty well by now.
They know James and Fred are complete idiots, Roxanne's a bitch, Lucy's a stick-in-the-mud, Louis is constantly hyper, Hugo's too much of a wallflower, and Lily's the best. They've met our older cousins too, who left Hogwarts a few years ago: Teddy, the cool dragon tamer who always has epic stories to tell (technically not related to us, but mention that and we'll murder you), Molly, the wild card, who ran away to America after she graduated to join a lesbian community, and Vic, Teddy's one true love and (courtesy of a huge wedding last year) his doting wife.
Dom's the one who they've only met once, but then again I've only seen her at most twice in the last 5 years, as she goes to Beauxbatons, and usually stays at school during the holidays.
"So," Lily smiles at Rose, "If we all know and like Scor, then what're we here for?"
Meet my baby sister. Telling it like it is since 2008.
Rose frowns. "We always call a Wotter meeting when one of us girls gets a new boyfriend, don't we?"
That's the sexist rule that Uncle Percy made us promise to adhere to when we got accepted into Hogwarts. But Vic and Teddy were together from the start, Molly (as a lesbian) never got a boyfriend, Roxanne would rather shoot herself before she asked for our blessing, Lucy says she's 'too wrapped up in my studies to waste my time on boys', and I refuse to formally meet a boyfriend of my sister (I'd rather hex him in a corridor).
"Yes, but you're always too busy fornicating with boys to ever call a meeting for them." Lucy snarks. Lucy's the same age as Rose, Roxanne and I, but she's a prim-and-proper Ravenclaw. No fun at all.
"Don't be jealous that Rose gets more action in one month that you'll ever get in your life, Luce." I smirk at Lucy, who goes red.
Rose may be a slut, but I'll always stick up for her in front of our family. Mostly because I need her to defend me when James casually mentions to the elders how many girls I've shagged.
"Well this time I'm serious about my relationship." Rose ploughs on, "So I want you to know that even if you don't approve of Scor I'm still going to date him." She turns and smiles at the guy in question. "Hopefully for a long time."
Scor beams at her and I notice Ria dabbing her eyes next to me.
I poke her curiously. "Black, are you crying?"
"Yes," she gives me a watery smile, "It's just that he's liked her for so long and now they're finally together. It's so adorable."
"If that's all, then we're off." James gets up and beckons to Fred, "Places to go, people to see and all that. Catch you later, Ri." He looks down the table and blows a kiss to Ria.
Fuck him.
"Wait," Rose calls them back anxiously, "You're okay with this?"
Fred shrugs. "Yeah." And they walk out.
Rose turns to Hugo. "What about you, Hugh?"
He frowns. "I suppose if you're going to be serious about anyone, I'm glad it's Scorpius."
Rose squeals and pulls him into a hug, ruffling his hair happily.
He smiles and kisses her on the cheek, then leaves, with Louis bouncing after him.
"Hey Rose?" Lily leans forward, "Have you told Uncle Ron yet?"
Rose freezes.
"Thought not." My sister grins and leaves happily.
Sadistic angel.
There's a long silence.
"You know what?" Rose sets her jaw determinedly, "I'm going to write to dad tonight. And if he's not happy about it, then tough shit. He'll just have to deal with it."
Woah. Respect for Rose.
"You'd better buy a bullet-proof jacket." Roxanne pops her gum at Scor.
I throw Rose's Charms textbook at her. "Get out, bitch."
She pops her gum at me sassily, but leaves nonetheless.
"So you're serious about us?" Scor is grinning at Rose.
She nods firmly. "Yes I am."
"Fuck, I love you." He pulls her into a passionate kiss, and she responds equally as passionately.
I turn away quickly before I'm scarred for life.
Ria smirks. "That's a bit less adorable."
That night, I find a Hufflepuff chick to give me head to get my mind off Ria.